I Love Her, But...
(A collection
of men's thoughts on their women - certainly not the opinions of the joe-kster!)
... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded,
two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her
butt.
... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me
controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?
... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold
she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones
are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what
she'd do.
... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on the list,
it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it
has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone
until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on
vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty
intense.
... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they
can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their
dogs.
... every so often boom! She's a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have
no idea what her natural colour is.
... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of
the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to
be a dentist.
... She's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural
blonde.
... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark
holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that
creature is next to you?
... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on
the mouth, she'd suffocate.
... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open
and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the
chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning..."
... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad
boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be
me.
... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my
newspaper, tried to kill the darn things. Scared me half to death.
... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some
character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and
plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my
mother.
... it annoys her that our children look like me.
... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS.
... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to
notice her.