404… Someone who’s clueless - quite possibly a moroff. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not
Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
Accordionated... Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.
Adminisphere… The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Administratium… Another of the heaviest elements known to man (see also Governmentium.
Afrophobia... Fear of the return of 1970s hairstyles.
Anality... The act of being anal retentive over something.
Archive… Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard.
Altar Ego… Obnoxious, conceited personality that is revealed by the seemingly
modest groom when taking his wedding vows.
Aquadextrous... Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
with your toes.
Aqualibrium... The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect
height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle; or (B)
squirting himself in the eye.
Arbitrator... A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.
Arson… Our daughter’s brother.
Assmosis… The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Avoidable... What a bullfighter tried to do.
Axis… Cabs without ires, runks, and ransmissions.
Badify... To make something worse.
Bakinmyday... A law passed in the early 1900’s that made it mandatory to build
all schools at least 15 miles from all future grandfathers.
Beautimus... Beautiful and gorgeous.
Bernadette... The act of torching a mortgage.
Bigamy… Little Amy’s mom.
Blamestorming… Sitting around in a group, discussing why a dealine was missed or
a project failed, and who was responsible.
Blinky-Eyed... How you get when you’re trying to ignore the bed’s call.
Blowtensil... A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used
during the meal... no point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in
the silverware drawer.
Bozone… The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating; The thin layer of clowns just above the stratosphere.
Burgacide... When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself
through the grill into the coals.
Burglarize... What a crook sees with.
Buzzacks... People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and
listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
Carperpetuation... The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece
of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Chid... A young person who does not wish to be referred to as a child or a kid.
Clamburger... Burger made out of clam butts.
Cliffier... One who reads Cliff Notes instead of real books.
Concubine... machine that Canadian farmers use to harvest wheat.
Confiction... A belief held in contradiction to the truth.
Confushion... A chaotic dissarray where everyone feels very safe and secure.
Conscience… Biology and chemistry classes for prisoners.
Constipation... To have and to hold.
Control... A short, ugly, inmate.
Coronary… Canary that dropped dead.
Counterfeiters... Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Crapostiniezatio... When one is afraid of making a splashing sound in the toilet
when people are in adjacent cubicals.
Craptacular... Being of the bad gas persuasion.
Crop Dusting… Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then
enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to Prairie Dogging.
Cube Farm… An office filled with cubicles.
Cutiful... Cute and beautiful.
Deja Flu... The feeling that you’ve had this cold before.
Demagogue... A politician who can rock the boat and persuade everyone else that
they’re in a terrible storm.
Derflartahide... The act of coughing or sneezing loudly to hide the sound of
Dexteropath... A person who actually believes conservatism is an intelligent and
thoughtful way of thinking.
Diatribial... Pertaining to doing office work well below your capability.
Dimp... A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you
Disconfect... To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by
blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
Disgrossting... Worse than gross or disgusting.
Disinvited... You were invited but are now not invited.
Disnasterous... Nasty and disastrous - often with embarrassing moments.
Divorce... From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his
Dopeler Effect… The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
Eclipse... What an English barber does for a living.
ECNALUBMA... A rescue vehicle which can only be seen properly in the rearview
Eiffelites... Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter
which direction you lean in, follow suit.
Elbonics... The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie
Elecelleration... The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button
the faster it will arrive.
Elephino... Cross between an Elephant and a Rhinoceros.
Explain… Now beautiful.
Exsocialate... To distance oneself from others under the belief that they are
pretty much all untrustworthy moroffs.
Eyedropper... A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Flufferize... To take a word or sentence that is bland or common, and expand
upon it or make it personal.
Frisbeetarianism... The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Frust... The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and
keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and
sweep it under the rug.
Garbage… Period after the Ice Age when everyone put on clothes.
Garbotuous... Big Bot search engine finder of diatribe data.
Generica… Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter
where on is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
Gihugeous... Really REALLY big.
Giraffiti… Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Glibido… All talk and no action.
Governmentium... The heaviest element yet known to science (see also Administratium.
Grocerise... To sell off non-perishable food articles through
Gruesome… Got slightly taller.
Gruntled... A satisfied (non-disgruntled) employee.
Handicrapper... The largest stall in the office bathroom - the one with the most
move-ment room that is reserved for handicapped people but is never available
when you need it.
Heroes... What a guy in a boat does.
Hipatitis… Terminal coolness.
HonkoSecond... The time between the light turning green and the sound from the
car horn behind you.
Hypothescience... The intuition that a solution to an intractable problem could
be found, if people would just take time to work on it.
Iceomaniac... One who has to go out of their way to step on thin ice to hear a
satisfying crunching sound.
Iconomic... Making do with fewer icons on your computer desktop.
Ignoranus… A person who’s both stupid and DUBM.
Incunebula... A late 15th-century book about astronomy.
Inoculatte… To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Intaxication… Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.
Investiquire... The act of investigating non-common knowledge.
Irritainment… Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find
yourself unable to stop watching them.
Karmageddon… It’s like, when everybody is sending off al these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Lactomangulation... Manhandling the "open here" spout on a mile container so
badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
Leftbank... What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
Liability… A talent for telling untruths.
Magaseen... The ancient reading material in your doctor’s office.
Malenutrition... The practice of depriving a man from food for more than a
couple of hours - or during a football game.
Mentally… Counting male patients at the asylum.
Misty... How golfers create divots.
Moral… When Al visits for the second time.
Mouse Potato… The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
Nasolactaspew... The result of laughing while drinking milk.
Neonphancy... A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
Obsessionerds... Joe-ksters who just cannot keep themselves from submitting
stupid words that might be funny if people knew just what the heck they were
Obviosity... Something that is clearly obvious.
OhNo Second… 1 nanosecond after you’ve sent your "Take your job & stuff it"
email to your boss.
Osteopornosis… A degenerate disease.
Paradox... Two physicians.
Parasites... What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Peppier... The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Percussive Maintenance… The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic
device to get it to work again.
Pertyful... Pretty and cute.
Petrophobic... One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
Pharmacist... A helper on the farm.
Phonesia... The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you
were calling just as they answer.
Pickup artist… An artist whose specialty is painting pictures of trucks.
Pickupnoxious... Having attitudes particular to the ill-bred,
testosterone-poisoned male, characterized by poor driving habits, rudeness, and
inordinate pride in owning a pickup truck.
PITA... Pain in the ass, as in "she is such a pita."
Plastodon... A person whose face is 51% or more plastic from reconstructive
Polarize... What penguins see with.
Prairie Dogging… When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
Primate... Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Proctocol... One who is a practical rectum digger - short form of ‘proctological’.
Pseudonymphomania... The compulsive desire to have sex under an assumed name.
Pupkus... The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Radialyricterial... A person who knows all the words to all the 50s, 60s & 70s
Reintarnation… Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief... What trees do in the spring.
Reverend… Paul’s sore backside after spreading the word that the British were coming.
Rubberneck... What you do to relax your wife.
Sacapupu... Japanese dirty diaper.
Salmon Day… The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed and die in the end.
Sarchasm… The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn’t get it.
Seagull Manager… A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
Selfish... What the owner of a seafood store does.
Sitcoms… Single income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the
Snipocrite... A person who silently scrutinizes the hairdressers’ hair before
deciding whether or not to turn their own head over to this person.
Snishwools... French bread.
Snost... past tense of snooze ("you snooze, you loose"... "You Snost, you
lost!"). An implication that it is too late to change anything. Short form: "Snost!"
Squez... Past tense of squeeze.
Stress Puppy… A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
Subordinate clauses… Santa’s helpers.
Sudafed... Brought litigation against a government official.
Supermarket… Grocery store with special powers and a clever disguise that fights
for truth, justice, and the American way.
Swipeout… An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Taxidermists… Someone who buffs, waxes, and paints the exteriors of cabs.
Techspian... A poser who is a techie just so he/she can be an actor.
Telecrastination... The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice
before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
Terminal Illness… Getting sick at train depots, bus stations, and airports.
Toesmearish... The annoying occurrence of the toe nail polish smearing under
your other toes during the drying process.
Toupee… A teepee made of synthetic hair.
Traficious... A place with too much traffic (i.e. Vancouver in 2010 will exhibit
Unaware… The last thing you take off before getting into the bath.
Unison… Lad with an androgynous look.
Usurped... Something you put on your pancakes.
Vervacious... Having to do with verve during an inter-college social event.
Violent… Paint colour that makes brutal men see red.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch... The taxing hand position required to reach all the
appropriate keys for some computer commands.
Woker... A dolt (or moroff
who frequently does something so idiotic you laugh about it ’till it hurts.
Woofys… Well Off Older Folks.
Woppajoppies... Oversized headphones.
Xerox Subsidy… Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
Aptonyms & Aptronyms
2019 Hooters Owl & Birds of Prey Calendars (3)
Bad Hair Day
Word Puzzle Clock
Redneck Wave Runner
Smoked Fish Poacher
Birding Skills 101
Redneck Riding Lawnmower
Two Feet Of Snow