[The year would not be complete without the Darwin
Awards - awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner,
thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year’s nine Darwin Award
Nominees are…]
Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An
unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend’s
windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing
a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James
Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to
repair what police describe as a “farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive
the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain
the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however,
and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft.”
Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken
Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton,
NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for
the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when
he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always
seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)
Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a
lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper
crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A
police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of
the building’s windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted
demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson,
managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy
was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association.. (Nice
to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes
always have been heavily involved.)
Nominee No. 5 [Bloomberg News Service]: A
terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a
man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There were no marks on his body,
and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was
just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep
from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been
outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man
was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, “He was a
big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas.” Three of the
rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6 [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent
several years awaiting South Carolina’s electric chair on a murder conviction
before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal
toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and
was electrocuted. (North Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)
Nominee No. 7 [The Indianapolis Star]: A
cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay
County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader,
was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk
home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber
muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look
into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 8 [Reuters, Mississauga,
Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium
apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death.
Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred,
said Inspector D’Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. “It appears that the
chair moved, and he went over the balcony,” Honer said. (Another Ontario
entry... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER! [North Carolina
Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the
road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight
Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a “frog gigging trip” on an overcast
Sunday night when Poole’s pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men
concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a
replacement fuse was not avail able, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet
from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel
column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate
properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the
bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The
vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole
suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require
extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never
operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.. “Thank God we
weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be
dead,” stated Wallis. “I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the
world, but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit
how this accident happened,” said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck,
Lavinia (Poole’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone
get them from the truck?
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as
normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole
DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
... click here for the complete list of Darwin Awards
see also
Dubm & Emergency Sections
2003 Darwin Awards
2004 Darwin Awards
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