Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta.
Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it - you vill like it.
“If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re
all in da same boat on Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.
There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.
Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget
Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety
system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I’m only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill
Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I
vouldn’t bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You’re gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back
up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence
vhich, to be honest with you, ve’re going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet,
sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying the Lord’s
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about “forgive us our sins as ve forgive
those who sin against us, vich some people
say trespass against us,” vich isn’t right, but vat can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may
interfere vith the plane’s navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all
the way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant
you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.
Ve’re going to start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style vith the
coffee pot up front.
Then ve’ll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don’t
take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not
Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to
us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close.
Original post on “A Prairie Home Companion”, December 6, 2003
by Garrison Keillor
Mothers are angels that lift us when we cannot fly. - Unknown
Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly? - Frida Kahlo
Luck is like having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth. - Japanese Proverb
As the velocity of air increases, its pressure decreases. - Daniel Bernoulli
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us air tickets. - Mel Brooks
The sky is the limit only for those who aren't afraid to fly. - Bob Bello
Live in the sunshine
Swim in the sea
Drink the wild air - Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air. - Curt Gowdy
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Steven Wright
If God had intended us to fly, He would never have given us railways. - Michael Flanders
The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm. - Alexander Woollcott
If ever a chef were to cook a fly, he would keep the breast for himself. - Poland Proverb
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. - Robin Williams
Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth. - Henry David Thoreau
If women can be railroad workers in Russia, why can't they fly in space? - Valentina Tereshkova
I love Halloween: the cold air, the spooky dangers lurking around the corner. - Evan Peters
Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo. - Al Gore
The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it. - J.M. Barrie
It's OK to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation. - Rob Gilbert
Now that I've found the way to fly, which direction should I go into the night? - Ally Condie
There are two kind of air travel in the United States, first class and third world. - Bobby Slayton
Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. - Lanston Hughes
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do. - Golda Meir
We breathe air, trees make air, homework kills trees, therefore homework is going to kill us all. - Unknown
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny
Nothing can move a man who is paid by the hour; how sweet the flight of time seems to his calm mind. - Charles D Warner
I want the pilot flying me up in the air at 30,000 feet to make more than a guy working at Taco Bell. - Michael Moore
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell
I am the astronaut of boxing. Joe Louis and Jack Dempsey were just jet pilots. I'm in a world of my own. - Muhammad Ali
When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. - Henry Ford
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
So just what are time flies, and why do they fly like an arrow? - Groucho Marx
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded, "Take me to the Canaries." - Bob Monkhouse
Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know so it goes flying anyway. - Mary Kay Ash
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. - Robert Orben
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. - Rodney Dangerfield
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them. - Henry David Thoreau
It's better to swim in the sea below
Than to swing in the air and feed the crow,
Says jolly Ned Teach of Bristol. - Benjamin Franklin
Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. - Henry David Thoreau
A nation that destroys its soils destroys itself. Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people. - Franklin D Roosevelt
From lessening negativity to boosting creativity, hiking in fresh air actually boosts brain power and can help certain parts of the brain grow. - Meredith Carey
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