Ode To The New Year

Going on a munchie break for the New Year?


‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvellous meals I’d prepared -
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt;
I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip;
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
’Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie - not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick;
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie -
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot...
Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet!


QuotaBills
A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands. - Unknown

Tears at times have all the weight of speech. - Ovid

New Year's Day is every man's birthday. - Charles Lamb

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies. - Unknown

Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Unknown

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet. - Unknown

When I go I'll take New Year's Eve with me. - Guy Lombardo

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. - Tommy Cooper

The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. - Unknown

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. - Oprah Winfrey

It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets. - William Thomas

Whatsoever was the father of a disease, an ill diet was the mother. - George Herbert

Every man regards his own life as the New Year’s Eve of time. - Jean Paul Richter

And now we welcome the new year. Full of things that have never been. - Rainer M. Rilke

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! - Joey Adams

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits. - Unknown

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. - Totie Fields

No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated by any other means. - Maimonides

I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese. - Archie Bunker

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. - Unknown

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie. - Jim Davis

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E Lewis

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. - G K Chesterton

Nobody can fail to lose weight in the jungle, unless they've got a secret stash of pork pies somewhere. - Colin Baker

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. - Benjamin Franklin

I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. - John Updike

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughan

Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since. - Dave Beard

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. - Unknown

A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else... even the fact that I'm on a diet. - Barbara Brooke

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned now to cook. - Andy Rooney

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. - Leonard Bernstein

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it. - Edward I Kock


see also   Diet  &  New Years  Sections

 

Sorry Tree

Air Meal

Jet Ski Transport

Sock Anatomy

Table Head Wireless

Dates For Everyone

Different Drugs

Clear View

Dog Hates Junk E-Mail

When You Gotta Go

Grillin' Down South

Balled Up

Blind (Braille) Sudoku Puzzles

Glassman

Family Picture

Plane Pushers

Food For Thought

Construction SNAFU Awards

Last Selfie

Cat Brush
Submissions by Marian RenstromFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

Voted #1 Humor Site

25-May-2017