Employee Benefits - Guidelines
DRESS
CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you
wearing $350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn
to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to
the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time, these days are Jan 1, July 4,
& Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done
enough.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is
your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
Employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable
to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker.
Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing and in advance of the
need. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management