[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Adults are just obsolete children. - Dr. Seuss
All children are essentially criminal. - Denis Diderot
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once. - Charles Lamb
It takes a whole village to raise a child. - African Proverb
Inspiration and genius - one and the same. - Victor Hugo
It is a wise father that knows his own child. - William Shakespeare
I preferred sewing to bossing little children. - Martha Jones
The best thing to spend on your children is your time. - Louise Hart
Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again. - WC Fields
Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno
When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it. - Sigmund Freud
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass
As a child, the only clear thought I had was "Get candy." - Jerry Seinfeld
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw
Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance. - Ruth E. Renkel
Four very powerful words to say to your child: "I believe in you." - Kevin Heath
The most beautiful words in the English language are "cheque enclosed". - Dorothy Parker
You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. - John J Plomp
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect. - Owens L. Pomeroy
Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too. - Lionel Kauffman
Hopefully, kids realize you can do anything you want. Skateboarding can be that gateway. - Ryan Sheckler
If you're going to write a book on how to raise children, do it before you have them. - Bob McLaren
Children are not a distraction for more important work. They are the most important work. - C S Lewis
One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Ray Chenoweth
People always ask me, "Were you funny as a child?" Well, no, I was an accountant. - Ellen DeGeneres
What is so real as the cry of a child? A rabbit's cry may be wilder but it has no soul. - Sylvia Plath
The first man to use abusive language instead of his fists was the founder of civilization. - Sigmund Freud
It's not that age brings childhood back again. Age merely shows what children we remain. - Goethe
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
It's triple the Trump this season... I invited my children, Don Jr. and Ivanka into the boardroom. - Donald Trump
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson
Imagine if you succeeded in making the world perfect for your children what a shock the rest of life would be for them. - Joyce Maynard
You can be childlike without being childish. A child always wants to have fun. Ask yourself, 'Am I having fun?' - Christopher Meloni
Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements. - Napoleon Hill
Every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies," there is a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead. - Sir James M. Barrie
If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of them would reach for goals that have meaning for them as individuals. - Lillian Carter
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor
We've got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it. - Dorothy Height
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23-Feb-2019 |