[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The best way to make children is to make them happy. - Oscar Wilde
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
Our greatest natural resource is the minds of our children. - Walt Disney
As a child, the only clear thought I had was "Get candy." - Jerry Seinfeld
England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw
Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be. - Unknown
All kids are gifted: some just open their packages earlier than others. - Michael Carr
If we don't stand up for children, then we don't stand for much. - Marian W. Edelman
Too many of today's children have straight teeth and crooked morals. - Unknown
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. - Robert Orben
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou
Four very powerful words to say to your child: "I believe in you." - Kevin Heath
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child. - Ron Wild
All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them. - Earvin "Magic" Johnson
A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty. - Unknown
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up. - Pablo Picasso
Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. - Robert Gallagher
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller
Language is our meeting place, the sea we live in…it is the common ground of our humanity. - Toby Wolfe
I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. - Eoin Colfer
Every boy needs a role model that he can be proud of and talk about to the other kids in the playground. - Athol Fugard
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. - Jim Gaffigan
Parents should leave books lying around marked "forbidden" if they want their children to read. - Doris Lessing
I've enjoyed many camping holidays with my sister and her children, but we're pretty posh campers. - Erin O'Connor
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash
I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner
The only way we can ever teach a child to say "I'm sorry" is for him to hear it from our lips first. - Kevin Leman
The vivacity of children is always charming, because it is always sincere. A grave child is a rose without fragrance. - Unknown
Imagine if you succeeded in making the world perfect for your children what a shock the rest of life would be for them. - Joyce Maynard
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet. - Randy Pausch
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are,
"I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be. - Horace Bushnell
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. - Nelson Mandela
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language?
One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton
I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. - Anna Quindlen
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. - Phyllis Diller
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
 Escher Stairs |  Dog Hair Coffee |  Round Table |  Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian Side |  WinDoor |
 Welcome Doorknob |  Trillion Dollar Man |  Rabbit Boost |  Engine-eering |  Mustang Limo |
 Eye've Been To The Beach |  Found The Apple Maps Car |  Husband Frosted Cupcakes |  Pantastic Crop |  Log Haulers |
 Caffeine Boosters |  Where I Live |  hAir Force One |  Sad Truth About The Oscars |  Happy Hour Bike Club |
24-Jun-2019 |