[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
It's never too late for a happy childhood. - Gloria Steinem
My music is best understood by children and animals. - Igor Stravinsky
The man who has a full set of tools has no children. - Unknown
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children. - Sam Levenson
Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad. - WC Fields
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children. - George Burns
If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all. - Pearl S. Buck
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to. - Robert Brault
You should never have more children than you have car windows. - Erma Bombeck
I look in the mirror through the eyes of the child that was me. - Judy Collins
No one was ever great without some portion of divine inspiration. - Cicero
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. - Phyllis Diller
The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - John Wooden
Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious. - Unknown
Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. - Maya Angelou
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. - Kin Hubbard
The most important question in the world is, "Why is the child crying?" - Alice Walker
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller
The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things. - Plato
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby
One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Ray Chenoweth
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave
when they think that their children are naive. - Ogden Nash
When I was a child, I wanted to raise horses in Wyoming or be a cabin boy on a pirate ship. - Sadie Jones
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. - Franklin P. Jones
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr
Parents should leave books lying around marked "forbidden" if they want their children to read. - Doris Lessing
The best thing I've ever done? Well, I've created four beautiful children. You mean, other than that? - Donald Trump
Violence of language leads to violence of action. Angry men seldom fight if their tongues do not lead the fray. - Charles V Roman
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. - WC Fields
Spare the rod and spoil the child - that is true. But, beside the rod, keep an apple to give him when he has done well. - Martin Luther
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space. - Evan Esar
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
Play is the highest expression of human development in childhood for it alone is the free expression of what is in a child's soul. - Friedrich Frobel
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies. - Johnny Depp
It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings. - Ann Landers
I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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 Water Short |  Post Research |  Motorcycle Taxi |  Columbia Street Party |  Fly By Meal |
 Down Day |  Hanging Out With Friends |  You Want Me To Do What? |  Mirror Lake |  Kitchen Thing |
21-Aug-2019 |