[The
following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Some of the best humour is in the misspelling…]
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
I preferred sewing to bossing little children. - Martha Jones
With kids, the days are long, but the years are short. - John Leguizamo
Adolescence is the conjugator of childhood and adulthood. - Louise J. Kaplan
Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them. - Lady Bird Johnson
Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno
If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all. - Pearl S. Buck
Children are one third of our population and all of our future. - Unknown
Too many of today's children have straight teeth and crooked morals. - Unknown
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too. - Lionel Kauffman
Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment. - Doug Larson
The most effective kind of education is that a child should play amongst lovely things. - Plato
Children are not a distraction for more important work. They are the most important work. - C S Lewis
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. - Dave Barry
No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses - one vaccine at a time, over time. - Donald Trump
I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring. - Liz Armbruster
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. - Willy Rushton
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
A man who gives his children habits of industry provides for them better than by giving them a fortune. - Richard Whately
No matter how long we've been together Edith, you still, as the kids say, "turn me over." - Archie Bunker
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
I've enjoyed many camping holidays with my sister and her children, but we're pretty posh campers. - Erin O'Connor
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, employ someone, or forbid your children to do it. - Mona Crane
Here lies my past.
Good-bye I have kissed it;
Thank you, kids.
I wouldn’t have missed it. - Ogden Nash
I love to go to a movie, get a Diet Coke and a barrel of popcorn, and sit there with my kids and watch a film. - William Shatner
Whatever happened to a sense of idealism and embracing an idea that will help people and, in this case, children? - Rod Blagojevich
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson
Already, companies that speak in the language of the pitch, the dog-and-pony show, are no longer speaking to anyone. - Unknown
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. - Erma Bombeck
Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals. - Robert Orben
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet. - Randy Pausch
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor
We've got to work to save our children and do it with full respect for the fact that if we do not, no one else is going to do it. - Dorothy Height
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. - Nelson Mandela
It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings. - Ann Landers
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language?
One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton
see also Aging, History & Trivia Sections
Attention Span
Babysitting Kids
Eat Your Vegetables
Falling Picture
Help For Dead Children
OCD Ball Pit
Redneck Time Out
Unattended Children
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 Selena Stopmez |  AirHeads |  Redneck Power Windows |  Race Break |  Mirror Fence |
 Look Both Ways |  No-iPhone Kids |  Dog Haircut |  Loose Lips Sink Ships |  Donkey Refill |
 Self Portrait for Squirrels |  Coin Stacking |  Hooking Penalty |  Zebra Bus Stop |  Best Friend Theft |
21-Oct-2019 |