Q: Why can't the England football team own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?
A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: Why do English make better lovers than Portugese/Germans?
A: Because English are the only ones who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second.

Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?
A: They are both useless in Europe.

Q: What's the difference between OJ Simpson and England?
A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence.

Q. What's the difference between the English and a jet engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy Hill. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.
[Jimmy Hill is an ex-Coventry player, ex-Coventry manager, ex-referee, ex-players union leader, current and very long standing commentator - ugly as sin with a pointed chin who drives everyone mad with his points of view…]

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead English football fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What do English football fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. If you see an English football fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.


Did you hear about the UK politician who was found dead in an English football jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.


Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.


Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA. A spokesman stated: “I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to, or at anyone.”


Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered.”
The second surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
Third surgeon says, “Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded.”
The fourth one says, “I prefer English football fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable.”