25% of the time, doctors cannot identify overweight patients simply by looking
at them.
40% of women smokers smoke to help them diet.
5 studies by the National Institutes on Health failed to prove that eating fat
caused heart disease.
50% of women are on a diet at any one time – strike a blow for independence!
50,000 women who went on a low-fat diet for 3 years lost, on average, just 2
pounds… so put some cream cheese on that bagel.
95% of dieters never lose weight.
95% of dieters who do lose some weight end up putting it – and more – back on.
A ballet class burns 376 calories an hour.
A chocolate bar with almonds will give you the energy to whiz through your day.
A handful of dark chocolate chips can help fight cardiovascular disease and
stroke – each hand full.
A plus-size modeling agency wants you.
A long walk with a good friend is good; a big dessert with a good friend is
better.
A turkey burger will never, ever be as good as a real hamburger.
A whole piece of angel food cake is only 124 calories.
All happy husbands of plumpish wives will tell you, “Thin women are nags.”
Almond croissants!
An order of bouillabaisse at a French restaurant is diet food – compared to
their quiche.
An order of dumplings at a Chinese restaurant is diet food – compared to the
spareribs.
An order of fajitas at a Mexican restaurant is diet food – compared to the
chimichangas.
An order of mussels at an Italian restaurant is diet food – compared to the
fried mozzarella sticks.
Attend an anger management class and you’ll no longer have to eat when you get
mad at your spouse.
Banana bread with lots of butter cries out, “Stop dieting!”
Beauty, health and fitness come in all sizes.
“Beauty is as beauty does” – not “Beauty is as beauty weighs.”
Belgian waffles with real maple syrup!
Bicycle and burn 450 calories an hour = two pieces of coffee cake.
Boston cream pie and “Sleepless In Seattle” go together… like bacon and eggs.
Brushing your teeth uses up 30 calories a day – enough for a couple of cookies.
Can you really enjoy Easter without a chocolate bunny and lots of jellybeans?
Cereal is not an acceptable lunch food. Neither is tomato juice.
Cherry pie cures backaches and headaches.
Chewing gum when you get the munchies will help you lose 12 pounds a year
without dieting.
Children love to sit on your lap!
Chocolate amaretto almond gelato!
Chocolate éclair!
Chocolate fudge cake!
Chocolate gives you the same feeling you have when you’re in love.
Chocolate raises serotonin levels in your brain, which creates a natural
euphoria.
Chocolate syrup only has 50 calories per tablespoon, so put it on everything –
you cereal, your raw carrots, your rice cakes – or just pour it directly into
your mouth.
Clothes in your actual size are always more comfy than the ones you’re trying to
squeeze into by dieting.
Comfort food like macaroni and cheese makes you feel safe, happy and loved.
Comfort foods are comforting because they’re full of good stuff, like butter and
cream. What’s comforting about skim milk?
Cooking for a dinner party uses up 120 calories an hour, which cancels out all
the tasting.
Creamy, sugary cappuccinos are much tastier than black coffee.
Cruella De Vil kills puppies… figures – she looks like she eats only lettuce
leaves.
Deviled eggs with lobster stuffing!
Diet drinks are like Chinese food: one hour later you’re hungry again.
Diet gurus keep saying, “There are no bad foods.” Take them at their word.
Diet programs make over 40 billion dollars a year – keep your share for
yourself.
Diets don’t work.
Dieting brings out your wrinkles.
Dieting can be hazardous to your happiness.
Dieting makes your breath stinky.
Diets are expensive.
Diets don’t work.
Dig out your old hula hoop and slim down your hips without giving up a morsel of
food.
Do you really want to look like Joan Rivers?
Does anyone actually like rice cakes?
Does anyone really think that half a cup of anything is enough?
Dolly Parton eats lots of little meals the size of her fist every day instead of
dieting, and she certainly look healthy.
Don’t you want to support your company’s vending machines?
Double-dip mint chocolate ice cream cones take the sting out of back-to-school
shopping.
Doughnuts have fewer calories than some of those high-fiber cereals they keep
telling you to eat.
Drinking tea helps you lose 6 ½ pounds a year, so fire up the kettle!
Early-bird dinners of prime rib and baked potatoes with butter and sour cream
are a great way to fuel up for an evening on the town.
Eating cheddar cheese after a rich dessert can reduce tooth decay according to
one enlightened dental study.
Eating cheese on crusty French bread with your best friend will help you solve
all your relationship problems.
Eating is definitely an aerobic exercise. Think of all that chewing.
Eating with one chopstick is just as effective for losing weight as any diet.
Eggplant Parmesan.
Emaciated frames on women are out.
Even fidgeting uses up some calories.
Even if you diet until you are the same weight you were when you were 16, your
stomach will stick out and your waist will still be thick – that’s life.
Everyone loves whales and they’ve got a whole layer of blubber.
Everyone says you look tired.
Experts say to eat peanut butter because it fills you up.
Extra weight is good for extra traction in winter driving conditions.
Fat floats, and what with that whitewater rafting trip approaching…
Fat-free cottage cheese tastes like old towels.
Find a beach and watch the ocean roll in and your stress roll out… you won’t
even feel like eating.
Fish curbs your appetite better than other foods – so fish and chips is a diet
aid.
Flea markets are more fun with funnel cake.
Food is an important part of your personal reward system when you’ve done
something sensational – like get out of bed.
Food is pleasure as diets are to deprivation.
Food tastes so good!
Forget raw carrots and cauliflower – you know what a really good onion dip cries
out for.
French pastries whisper, “Bon appetite.”
Fried clams!
Get a dog instead and you’ll walk off the weight.
Get a jogging stroller for your child, and enjoy walks to the store while
burning more calories than you’d diet away.
Getting a makeover will make everyone think you lost weight.
Gingerbread with whipped cream!
Go Latin. Learn the meringue, salsa, tango and mambo – and work off 353 calories
in an hour… it’ll be a lot more fun than dieting.
Go to Hawaii, where the state attitude is “Hang loose.” You’ll fit right in.
Green apple-flavoured candy and red hots improve your disposition.
Grilled cheese sandwiches bring back memories of your childhood.
Gwyneth Paltrow has to drink bancha twig tea to stay thin – yuck.
Gym class is way behind you, and you’ll never, ever have to climb a rope again.
Have you noticed how great-looking plus-size dresses are now?
Holidays are exempt from dieting – and every day’s a holiday somewhere.
Hors d’oeuvres were invented to keep you from getting drunk – load up on
bacon-wrapped scallops!
How are you going to belly dance if you don’t have a belly?
How else will you explain making sarongs a staple of your wardrobe?
How many salads can you eat in one lifetime?
Hypnosis helps you diet, but your arm keeps jerking up whenever you hear the
word, “freezer.”
If a friend brings you a homemade loaf of cinnamon brea, what are you supposed
to do – throw it out?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, doesn’t it follow that fried
eggs, bacon, a muffin and hot chocolate with whipped cream are more important
than an egg-white omelet?
If God meant for us to be thin, he wouldn’t have given us hot fudge sundaes.
If yoga uses up 200 calories an hour, doesn’t stretching in bed use up the same
number?
If you do ab-firming tummy tucks while driving, you can eat all the tiramisu you
want.
If you don’t eat a pizza, how will you have energy to walk all those trails in
your backyard?
If you don’t have enough carbohydrates in your diet, you can suffer from
fatigue, lack of energy, short-term memory loss and vitamin & mineral
deficiencies… linguine with clam sauce, anyone?
If you drink eight glasses of water a day instead of dieting, you won’t have
time to eat – you’ll be in the bathroom all day.
If you go on a cabbage diet, no one will want to sit next to you.
If you look at a mirror from the front (not the side), you’ll notice your waist
comes in at the sides – thin girls don’t have that!
If you must eliminate something from your regular diet, choose broccoli.
If you play video games while your children are in school, you’ll occupy both
eating hands, and the adrenalin rush will burn calories.
If you’re bored and tempted to eat, take a class in Vietnamese. At the very
least, you’ll know what you’re really ordering the next time you eat out.
If you’re born with fat cells, why fight it?
I’m going to die fat and happy.
Invite only heavier people for a party – they’ll tell you how thin you are.
Italian and Brazilian men will love the way you look.
It’s a disorder to look in the mirror and think you’re fat when you look fine.
It’s all the fast-food places’ fault that you’re fat – blame it on them and
forget your diet.
It’s not you – it’s those defective 3-way mirrors in department store fitting
rooms.
It’s said that TV adds 10 pounds. By not being on TV, you lose 10 pounds!
Jamie Lee Curtis says it takes 13 people working for 3 hours to get her to look
skinny and toned… So either hire 13 people to get you ready every day, or relax
and enjoy your life.
Julia Child isn’t exactly skin and bones, but think of all the fun she had
adding those pounds to her wonderful self.
Just moving from the couch to the refrigerator several times a day uses up
calories.
Keep your hands busy making quilts for Christmas gifts and you won’t have time
to eat.
Let’s not even think about how Dracula stays thin.
Life is a banquet – why should you starve?
Life is no fun without homemade sugar cookies, slathered in frosting.
Life is too short to deprive yourself of all that good food.
Life is too short to give up snacking.
Life is too short to go without chocolate.
Life is too short to make a note of every calorie you take in.
Life is too short to restrict your lunches to celery sticks.
Life is too short to spend your time on a scale.
Life wasn’t meant to be lived without pastries.
Look up “happy” in the dictionary – the word “thin” is never used in its
definition.
Lots of doctors say, “As long as you feel fine, don’t diet.”
Low-fat diets make people gain weight because they end up eating more calories.
Making love burns 300 calories an hour.
Making love in the afternoon makes you too hungry to diet.
May 6: No Diet Day.
Meditation will never lead you to the answer, “I should be thinner.”
Milkshakes are an important part of a liquid diet.
Most French people never diet, eat the best food in the world and are still
thin.
Museums offer surroundings of beautiful, round women in sculptures and
paintings.
My stomach sticks out. I’m over 50. Get used to it.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Nutritionists say your daily meals should include at least two of the colours
green, orange, purple, red and yellow. Hmmmmm – strawberry shortcake, key lime
pie, crème brulee and a slice of cheesecake should do the job…
Nobody remembers the musical genius of Slims Domino.
One of the main rules of dieting: “Never Shop When You’re Hungry.” A girl has to
shop!
One size does not fit all.
Only 5% of the population has the genes to look like a model anyway.
Oprah Winfrey looks fantastic fat or thin.
Other women will like you more.
Pecan pralines!
People have died taking diet aids to increase their metabolism.
People will say, “You have such a beautiful face,” all the time.
Personal trainers recommend eating a handful of macadamia nuts half an hour
before running a marathon… Doesn’t your life feel like a marathon?
Piano lessons will keep your hands so busy you won’t have time to fill a bowl
with ice cream.
Picketing weight loss clinics will make you feel enlightened.
Plant some flowers, pull some weeds and burn 300 calories an hour.
Play tennis for an hour and use up 450 calories = a bowl of ice cream.
Pretzels and hot chocolate belong with ski holidays.
Procrastination causes stress, which causes overeating – don’t put off trips to
the fridge!
Puff pastry in all its wonderful forms!
Rake your lawn and burn 300 calories an hour = one strawberry daiquiri.
Read joe-ks.com groaners and you’ll laugh yourself thin.
Reading the hardback edition of “Gone With The Wind” counts as a weight-lifting
exercise.
Rich, dense, delicious mud pie!
Romance novels now feature large, beautiful women as heroines.
Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t make you laugh half as much if she were thin.
Run and burn 700 calories an hour = 1/3 pound of prime rib.
Running your errands with a child on each hip burns enough calories for one day.
Santa Claus makes millions of children happy, and he never diets.
Scale smashing is fun!
Scrooge is a good example of a person who doesn’t eat enough.
Self-hypnosis is much easier than dieting – just tell yourself you won’t be
hungry every night at midnight.
Shopping – 200 calories an hour.
Shrimp cocktail has only 28 calories.
Size 12 is the latest trend for women.
Skipping meals makes it harder to lose weight.
Snacking makes life worthwhile.
So much chocolate, so little time…
Soap operas often feature plus-size temptresses.
Some men and women are “chubby chasers.” Find one of them.
Somebody has to eat all those bake-sale goodies.
Spaghetti and meatballs is must while watching “The Godfather.”
Strawberry shortcake is an absolute necessity when you’re under stress – like
when you break a fingernail.
Subliminal message diet tapes keep you up at night.
Take a yoga class for instant serenity instead of eating away your stress.
Tap dancing is more fun than dieting and burns more calories.
Tasting is essential for good cooking.
The average woman is 5’4” and weighs 140 pounds. Don’t you want to be above
average?
The big game is boring without a frosty, foamy mug of beer and some yummy
munchies.
The Institute of Medicine at the National Academy of Science recommends more
sugar and fat in our diets.
The reason fat people are happy is that the nerves are well protected.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first – by the second day,
you’re off it.
The smell of peppermint is a natural energizer. Better candy canes than coffee.
The very act of eating uses up 90 calories per hour.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach – and you can’t cook Fettucine
Alfredo and make him eat by himself.
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you start. Today I finished a
bag of potato chips, a chocolate pie, three sodas, a quart of ice cream and a
small box of candy – I feel better already!
The Wicked Witch in “The Wizard of Oz” might have been quite nice if she had
eaten a little more.
The word “snack” was never intended to mean vegetable sticks.
The Zone (the latest diet fad in Hollywood) will cost you $5,000 a year.
There are a lot of men out there who actually prefer women with a little meat on
their bones.
There are better things to do than thinking about food and diets all the time.
There’s a reason why it’s not over until the fat lady sings.
There’s only so much time in one day for onerous tasks – why spend it counting
calories?
They say you are what you eat. Do you want to be a bowl of bran flakes with skim
milk?
Thin and cranky? Like that’s attractive!
Think of all the foods you’ve never tried! How can you start dieting now?
Too many young girls put too much emphasis on being thin – show them the error
of their ways.
Vacuum and dust a little: 200 calories an hour.
Valentines Day is no fun without a lacy box of chocolates.
Veggies will never replace nachos as a satisfactory snack.
Volunteer at a soup kitchen, and you’ll realize how wasteful it is not to clear
your plate.
Walk an hour a day and use up 280 calories = 2 hot dogs.
Walking 15 minutes a day will help you lose 12 pounds a year; walking through
the “sale” aisle at your favourite store counts double.
Warm, rich mocha – full of milk and whipped cream!
Washing the car uses up 300 calories an hour.
Watch old Monty Python skits and you’ll laugh yourself thin.
Water flushes the fat cells out of your body – there’s water in Popsicles.
What about the thousands of workers in the plus-size garment industry who’ll
lose their jobs?
What fun is Halloween if you can’t eat all the leftover treats?
What if you won a lifetime supply of curly french fries and had to turn them
down because you were on a diet?
What is tofu, anyway, and why would you deliberately choose to eat it?
What’s a summer picnic without barbecued ribs and corn on the cob with lots of
butter?
When you were young, you were supposed to clean your plate because of the
starving people in Africa. What’s changed?
When you’re feeling sad, you need comfort food like rice pudding – raw carrots
just don’t cut it.
When you’re stressed out, a grapefruit just won’t cut it.
Who but a nutritionist would consider fat-free cheeses fit to eat?
Who can eat movie popcorn without butter?
Who can watch “An Affair to Remember” without a pint of butter pecan?
Who cares if you can’t still fit into your wedding dress – you’re not going to
wear it again, are you?
Who needs to diet when there are plenty of 2-minute exercises you can do during
commercials?
Who would consider Rubens’ paintings masterpieces if they were full of skinny
women?
Whoever heard of a jolly thin person?
Whoever heard of passing a whole summer without any hot dogs?
Whoever thought up the idea of “good” and “bad” foods clearly got their lists
confused.
Why would someone go to all the trouble of honey roasting individual nuts if
we’re not supposed to eat each and every one?
Winston Churchill was pretty successful.
With the money you save by not going to a diet center, you’ll be able to buy a
beautiful new bike to explore the back roads.
Without the calcium in all that cream cheese, ice cream and butter, your bones
will get weak.
Women living in wealthy neighbourhoods are more likely to be unhappy with their
bodies. Your neighbourhood isn’t wealthy enough to warrant rice cakes!
Would Aretha Franklin get any “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” if she was a twig?
Would “My Little Skinny Greek Wedding” have been a blockbuster?
You are beautiful just the way you are and I like myself a lot.
You can be a stand-in for perky and plump Mrs. Claus on Christmas.
You can become a Sumo wrestler if you can put on a little weight.
You can buy a bunch of romantic peasant blouses that will make you look gorgeous
and feminine while hiding your tummy.
You can buy more CDs to play on your walks every morning if you’re not forking
over your money to a diet program.
You can completely cover a huge, rich scone in clotted cream.
You can count carrot cake as a vegetable.
You can donate your too-tight clothes to charity and feel philanthropic.
You can eat 15 delicious little oyster crackers for a snack – they’ll cost you
just 60 calories.
You can finish all the leftovers on your dieting friends’ plates.
You can have an ice cream cake for your birthday and get your recommended
dietary allowance of calcium.
You can hire a cute personal trainer and concentrate on his buns instead of
sticky buns.
You can indulge in a facial, manicure and pedicure with the money you’ll save.
You can invest in cozy cotton sweatsuits, which are comfortable and hide arm
jiggles.
You can join the Padded Lilies – a fat women’s synchronized swimming group.
You can model in fat fashion shows.
You can splurge on sexy exercise clothes for your aerobics class if you’re not
buying prepared food from a diet center.
You can tell people your extra weight is from the muscles you grew lifting
weights at the gym.
You can wear flat-front pants instead of pleated pants – and look thin and
stylish.
You can’t afford to buy all new thin clothes.
You can’t knit and eat at the same time. Keep churning out sweaters & you won’t
be able to overeat.
You can’t lose weight in just one lumpy, dumpy place.
You deserve those muffins, cupcakes and pies because you’re a good person.
You don’t need a diet – just more sleep. Sleep deprivation affects the hormones
that control your eating, making you more apt to stuff yourself.
You don’t want to be one of those mean, skinny women who change the subject when
someone joins them at a restaurant.
You eat when you’re happy – what could be wrong with that?
You expect o lose 10 pounds on your next vacation thanks to Montezuma’s revenge.
You gave up smoking, and you’re hungry.
You get rid of calories every night by turning your husband over when he snores.
You got rid of all your obnoxious friends who made you want to eat all the time.
You have food in your kitchen that’s approaching its expiration date.
You have important things to obsess about – like that annoying static cling.
You just need a nap – not a diet… You won’t be eating, and you’ll get rid of
some of the stress that makes you eat.
You look glamorous in long, loose scarves which detract detention from hanging
fat.
You meet fabulous people in restaurants with delicious fattening foods.
You need some fat in your life to make your complexion smooth and luscious.
You need those marshmallows when you have PMS.
You realized you were spending 1 hour a day (365 hours a year) thinking about
dieting, and now you have 15 extra days a year to enjoy yourself.
You want to help all the people who invested in fast-food stock.
You were too thin 30 years ago anyway.
You won’t eat out of loneliness anymore if you make a bunch of new friends at
the pastry shop.
You won’t need to weigh yourself every morning and hate yourself because you
gained an ounce.
You would burn calories for two hours after lifting weights – so buy some
dumbbells, work out for 5 minutes, then chow down.
You’ll be able to accept an invitation to join that club in France whose purpose
is to taste the world’ finest chocolate in candies and cakes.
You’ll discover how much fun it is to be a bad example.
You’ll gain it all back, plus at least 20 more pounds.
You’ll have a better chance of being hired as the pastry chef in a French
restaurant.
You’ll have more money to spend on a great-looking bathing suit if you stop
going to a weight-loss program.
You’ll improve your chances of being cast as Queen Victoria in your community
theatre.
You’ll lose weight just by giving up nibbling while you fix the kids’ dinners.
You’ll never have to let the dessert trolley go by you again.
You’ll ruin holiday dinner for everyone if you don’t have a second helping of
stuffing.
You’ve come to love your ‘before’ photo.
You’re boring everyone to death talking about it.
You’re cranky when you diet.
You’re eating for two – you and your inner child.
You’re healthy, you feel terrific and you love the way you look. End of story.
You’re not fat – you’re lovable.
You’re not fat – you’re womanly.
You’re sick of making fried chicken and mashed potatoes for your husband and
children and a stupid salad for yourself.
You’re sick of people discriminating against you because of your weight.
You’re supposed to eat more in the winter – it’s one of nature’s laws.
You’re the only one who thinks you’re fat.
Your boss keeps leaving oatmeal raisin cookies on your desk as a hint – because
you’re so crabby on your diet.
Your boyfriend thinks your beautiful.
Your brain is 70% fat. Fatty food = brain food.
Your breasts will be bigger.
Your cat doesn’t care if you’re fat or thin.
Your friends cross the street to avoid you.
Your friends give wonderful dinner parties specializing in cream sauces.
Your grandmother always says, “Eat, eat – you’re too thin!”
Your hair is falling out, your skin is flaking, and you have no energy. Eat!
Eat!
Your husband is threatening to leave you if you don’t stop snapping at him.
Your mother is fat. Your grandmother is fat. Your sister and brother are fat.
All your cousins are fat. Do you really think you can beat those odds?
Your mother won’t look hurt anymore when you refuse her banana cream pie.
Your hi-tech home entertainment system needs to have a pantry stocked with movie
theatre goodies.
Your sex life is much better than your skinny, stressed-out cousin’s.
Your stomach won’t growl during the quiet parts of movies.
You’ve just had a fantastic week and you deserve to eat anything you want.
You’ve just had a horrible week and you deserve to eat anything you want.
You’ve yo-yo dieted so much that you’ve run out of string.
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