Carpe Diem! Seize the day!
Carpe per diem - seize the check.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you’re making too much money.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Eat what? There’s nothing here! Gandhi ate more than this!
Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.
I was the equivalent of a 98 pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would throw copies of Byron in my face!
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?
If we were interested in making money, we wouldn’t have become teachers.
If you don’t keep pushing the limits, you wake up one day and you’re the “center square to block.”
I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
I’m looking for Miss Right, or at least Miss Right Now.
It never fails - you get in the bath and there’s a rub at the lamp.
It’s hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.
Just now when I said, “I have a crush on you,” you didn’t say, “no way loser”.
I’d rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don’t respond to strong drugs.
My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
Never pick a fight with ugly people – they’ve got nothing to lose.
No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.
Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
Reality – what a concept!
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Sometimes you’ve got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let's party!”
Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.
That’s the formaldehyde. That’s why Granny’s so well-preserved.
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don’t get in to Harvard.
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, “Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?”
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them.
They should have little disclaimer that says, “Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show!”
Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We’re not laughing at you - we’re laughing near you.
What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees?
When I find out a hotel doesn’t have a DSL, it’s like “What? There’s no toilet?” Once you get used to high speed you ain’t going back.
When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, “Can I use a lifeline?”
You’d think all of these “atypical” somethings would add up to a typical something.
You’re going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
You’re still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.
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