Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller Money can’t buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) The cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers see also   Phrase  Section Daffynition: Definition for a Humourist Inspirational Quotes It's A Boy! Tombs Of The Prophets BoreRing Person Birth Control Kit Shopping Cart Shelves Crooked Pub Virgin Budget Airlines Lottery Chances Note Flasher No Shorts Holy Day Inn Detroit Discovery Merry Go Motorbike Angry Birds Stuffed Owl Mud Pie Starbucks Bethlehem

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