Wife Consumption

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Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. - W H Auden

Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb

As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a man. - Saint John Chrysostom

We consume our tomorrows fretting about our yesterdays. - Aulus Persius Flaccus

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill. - Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare

The secret to a happy marriage? Do what your wife tells you. - Denzel Washington

A husband's conjungal and a wife's convivial obligation - Archie Bunker

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire. - William Butler Yeats

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Henny Youngman

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. - Cathy Carlyle

My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi

We're all just ghosts on a wire seeking the prick of an electric thought. - Robert Fanney

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. - Phyllis Diller

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. - Rodney Dangerfield

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter. - WC Fields

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! - Rodney Dangerfield

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed. - Unknown

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle

If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. - Kim Kardashian

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. - Unknown


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23-Jan-2018