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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, go compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Two termites walk into a bar.
One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lett'n the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin it back.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "Beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms."

I went to a seafood disco rave last week, and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this crap before...

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