[Engineering
is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is
greatly overused. If there's somebody who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, (1)
review the "ENGINEER TRAITS" section; then (2) give him/her the "ENGINEER
IDENTIFICATION TEST" to discern the truth…]
1. ENGINEER TRAITS
A. SOCIAL
SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social
interaction:
* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation;
* Important social contacts;
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans.
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social
interactions:
* Get it over with as soon as possible;
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant;
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
B. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
* things that need to be fixed; and
* things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few
minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will
create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that
if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to
turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of
Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To engineers, the world is a toy box full
of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
C. FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for
temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking
together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then
the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
D. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and
duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are
incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the
hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal
people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children
who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming
irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about
thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
E. HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why
it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other
people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but
technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of
engineer lies is as follows:
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
F. FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is
simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is,
"How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
G. POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on
one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This
sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in
high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a
degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in
the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
H. RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable,
given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a
big deal or something. Examples of bad press for engineers as follows:
* Hindenberg;
* Space Shuttle Challenger;
* Hubble space telescope;
* Apollo 13;
* Titanic;
* Ford Pinto;
* Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide
that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity
is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that
approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the engineer will fall back to a
second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
I. EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are; and
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is
unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No
illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of
challenges quickly become personal-a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just
because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an
ego rush that is better than sex.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more
technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more
work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase
that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines:
"I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical
problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between
the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved
Chihuahua on a pork chop.
Now you're ready to give that suspected Engineer the test…
2. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk
into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it;
B. Ignore it;
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid
thing on "Marketing."