Flight Conversations
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got
on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"
Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, was not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and
I'll have enough parts for another one."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for priority landing because
his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control (ATC) told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked," the dreaded seven-engine approach."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to
locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off".
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned
to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight
attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
A man telephoned the United Airlines office at Denver International Airport and
asked, "How long does it take to fly to Colorado Springs?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the man said, and hung up.
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If
you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do
not leave children or spouses."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a
Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware,
our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like
to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the
overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so
called "touch down."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude
now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so
I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
other adults acting like children."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on
this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I
know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants 'fault...it
was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA
and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
Pilot: This is the shortest @*#$!! runway I have ever seen!
Co-pilot: Yeah, but look how wide it is.
Pilot: This is ZEBRA 1, I have the IRS building locked on - over!
Ground: Roger Zebra 1. Fire at will!
Captain: Ok, FO, what's the last item on the checklist?
FO: #24 - Make sure pointy end of plane is aimed down runway before applying
full power.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY
GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"