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Milton Berle Quotes
Laughter is an instant vacation
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name
Milton Berle (born Milton Berlinger July 12, 1908 - March 27, 2002)


A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street.
A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?"
The man answers, "I make a nice living."

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?"
He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are;
Because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star.
I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far;
For a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

The best ears of our lives. (... to Clarke Gable)

The company accountant is shy and retiring.
He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison. If it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? (... to Howard Cosell)

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.


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17-Oct-2019