A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, nobody’s home.” I went
over. Nobody was home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
I find there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I tell ya, I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, “There goes the neighbourhood!”
I tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?”
He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I’m so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born.
I’m so ugly my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they’ve done themselves.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t of had anything to play with.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years… then we met.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, “We did everything we could… but he pulled through.”
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?”
He told me to run off a cliff.
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to “the best
woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me.
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