A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Aim high and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk
before it stops snowing.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present
remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a
job the next day.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we
Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
Fang says he eats a lot to settle his nerves. I said, “Have you seen where
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids
enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, “What do you have in lingerie?” She
says, “More than you’ll ever have!”
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told
me: “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.”
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move
in with them.
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked
If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with,
“Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People
thought I was wearing anchovies.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of
I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year
we were up for three months.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A
chinese man threw up on me.
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing
that keeps some parents going.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, “There’s a dead bird.” He looked up.
My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get
down on the floor and say, “If you love me, blink your eyes.”
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Some people might say, “Who would want to be 90?” And I say, “Anyone who is 89.”
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So
what’s the problem?
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk
and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so
will his eyesight.
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort,
independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won’t run.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller Quotes (Database)
What Goes Round Comes Round
Leave Toes Outside
Poor Fishing Day
Is Your Diaper Full?
Lunch Break on a Hot Day
Moving Level Pro
Plain Plane School
Wireless Doorbells Sitting On Their Chargers