A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
A dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
A plumber’s idea of Cleopatra. (Mae West)
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
All my available funds are completely tied up in ready cash.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
All women are crazy, it’s only a question of degree.
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen.
Don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?
Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
Happiness means quiet nerves.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’s Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
I cook with wine - sometimes I even add it to the food.
I could juggle anything in my day: balls, cigar boxes, knives. But I could never juggle my income tax.
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
I drink therefore I am.
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I love children if they’re cooked properly.
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
I now touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.
I was married once - in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
It’s headed for the brambles and we are all in our bare feet.
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
I’ll be down in the front row with a basket of last month’s eggs.
I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
Marriage is better than leprosy because it’s easier to get rid of.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.
My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
Never give a sucker an even break.
Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
Never try to impress a woman because if you do, you’ll have to keep up that standard the rest of your life.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Room service - don’t send up any more ice.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best thing to break is a contract.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place… a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
There’s no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Thou shalt not steal - only from other comedians.
Water rusts pipes. (His reasoning for not drinking water)
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
Who took the cork out of my lunch?
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his
deathbed. “I’m looking for a loop-hole,” he explained.
Man: “I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.”
WC Fields: “A man who’s intoxicated all the time doesn’t need sympathy.”
Secretary: “It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.”
WC Fields: “Yes it is, very hard. It’s almost impossible.”
Charlie McCarthy: “Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What
would your father think about that?”
WC Fields: “He’d think I was a sissy.”
Hangman: “Have you any last wish?”
WC Fields: “Yes, I’d like to see Paris before I die.” (pause) “Philadelphia will do.”
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