A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A fellow once sat up all night wondering where the sunshine comes from. ... finally, it dawned on him.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over, there's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” she said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A group of people were having a picnic on a rather cloudy day . The chef was sitting next to the firepace so that he could watch the progress of the hot dogs and hamburgers. Just about the time it started to rain a little, his shirt caught on fire because he was sitting too close to the fireplace. A friend noticed his plight and said to him. “What are you doing?” The man answered, “I'm singeing in the rain.”

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, “I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.”

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
 

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, “But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.”

Alimony is the high cost of leaving.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

California smog test: Can UCLA?

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Is the nose the scenter of the face?

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of da feet.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina.
Their children were called Tsardines.

The guy who invented the doorknocker got a No-bell prize.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

There once was a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I'll go on a head.”

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.