[I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. Also, I never have figured out how sexual desire gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, “I do”…]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and then she says, “I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT?!”
So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I'm thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realized that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say, “OK.” And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. She was so excited! She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her bubbly face when she said, “I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don't feel like it.”

You should have seen her face then - it went completely blank.

I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after the Spring thaw of 2010...