Finker Lickin’ Good
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar, da Newfie doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.”
Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”
“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Good Lord! It’s 2006! I’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brin da finkers?”
Ole replies, “And how da %#$& vas I supposed to pick dem up?”
It’s a good day for Ole and Lena. Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?”
“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.
“Vell,” said Lena, “if it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, “Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!”
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.”
“Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.”
Lars asked Ole, “Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?”
“No, I don’t,” said Ole.
“A canoe will sometimes tip,” explained Lars.
Lars: “Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working.”
Ole: “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No…”
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. Giggling, Lena said, “Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.”
So Ole drove to Duluth.
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, “You yust put “Ole died.”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just “Ole died?” Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, “O.K. You put “Ole died. Boat for sale.” ”
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
“Have you eaten your banana yet?” Ole asked excitedly.
“No,” replied Lars.
“Vell, don’t touch it den,” Ole exclaimed. “I yust took vun bite and vent blind!”
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
“Oh,” said Ole,“I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.”
“How come,” asked Lars?
“Vell,” Ole answered, “because vith a clarinet she can’t sing.”
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
Ole said, “No, I’m Norvegian and my name isn’t Valter.”
Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Wisconsin recently leaving a lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish. As it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
Ole replied, “No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?” the warden replied.
“Ya sure, you betcha.” answered Ole. “Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while.
Den I vhistle and dey yump back into deir buckets and I take dem home.”
“That’s a bunch of hooey. Fish can’t do that” said the game warden.
Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt, and then said, “Yumpin
Yimminy! Vell den, I’ll just show you den. It really does vork, don’tcha know?”
“O.K. I’ve got to see this!” The game warden was really curious now.
So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting. After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, “Well?”
“Vell what?” responded Ole.
“When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?” asked Ole.
Ve Couldn’t Afford More
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish.
“The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400,” said the first Norwegian.
“Vell,” said the other one, “at dat price it’s a good ting ve didn’t catch any more.”
To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, “Who are you and what are you doing?”
Ole shouted back, “OLE... BIN LOGGIN’!”
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena’s good friend Lars.
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, “I’m not going down dere yust for 50 cents.”
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, “Yep, dat’s her!”
A Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Norwegian reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, “I don’t vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used deir arms.”
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.
A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner. “Look,” he said, “let’s have a little game. I’ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll buy YOU a drink. If you can’t, then you buy ME one. Okay?”
“Ya, dat sounds purty good,” said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, “My father and mother had one child. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my sister. Who was it?”
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, “I give up. Who vas it?”
“It was ME,” chortled the Indian. So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into a bar and spotted one of his cronies, Sven, he said, “I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion, I buy you a drink. If you can’t, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?”
“Fair enough,” said Sven.
“Okay... my fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn’t my brudder. It vasn’t my sister. Who vas it?”
“Search me,” said Sven. “I give up. Who vas it?”
“It vas some Indian up in Fargo, Nort Dakoda.”
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. “Good gracious, said Hilda, How did yew ever dew that?”
“It vas really simple, was Lena’s reply. I yust hid his false teeth.”
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. “Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?”
he asked. “Vell, Ole, I yust don’t know,” replied Lena. “I don’t tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.”
The Phone Call
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. “Vell how da heck should I know, dats two tousand miles from here,” he says and hangs up. “Who vas dat?” asks Lena.
“I donno, some darn fool wanting to know if da coast was clear.”
And dot’s enough, eh!
Language & Nationality Sections
Redneck Neighborhood Watch
Time To Hang Up The Thong
Our Grate Lord
Vertical Roller Coaster Ride
Portuguese Airport Runway
Nintendo Wedding Cake
Going Nowhere Mall
Montreal Canadian Fan
Canadian Man Cave
Wine Gum Lamp
Prison Escapee's Not-Quite-Clean Escape
Heh - That's My Ball!
Revenue Canada's Simplified Tax Form