Take That!

Personal Insults du Jour


[One of the oldest forms of personal insult is the kind that turns on the word ‘that’…]

He was so cheap that he ate beans to save money on bubble bath.

He was so cheap that he died of oneberculosis.

He was so cheap that he wouldn’t even tip in a canoe.

He was so crooked that he could stand in the shadow of a corkscrew.

He was so crooked that when he pulled the wool over your eyes it was 50 percent polyester.

He was so cross-eyed that when he cried, the tears from his left eye landed on his right cheek.

He was so dubm that he couldn’t tell you which way an elevator was going if you gave him three guesses.

He was so dull that his dog got bored and left him.

He was so dubm he thought a Band-Aid was a charitable organization for musicians.

He was so dubm that he had to ask his wife to take her sweater off to count to two.

He was so dubm that he thought Einstein was one beer.

He was so dubm that the fortune teller read his mind for half price.

He was so dubm that when he rented a room the landlady left the VACANT sign up.

He was so fat that he could only play seek.

He was so fat that he had to make two trips when he left the house.

He was so lazy that he married a pregnant woman.

He was so nervous that he kept coffee awake.

He was so rich that the Joneses try to keep up with him.

He was so self-conscious that when he went to a football game and the players went into a huddle, he thought they were talking about him.

He was so slow that they had to show him how the wastebasket worked the first day on his new job.

He was so thin that when he closed one eye he could pass for a needle.

He was so vain that he had his X-Rrays retouched.

Her life was so dull that she looked forward to dental appointments.

Her luck was so bad that her contacts got cataracts.

Her nose was so upturned that every time she sneezed, she blew her hat off.

His feet were so big that he had to put his pants on over his head.

His nose was so big that he could smoke a cigar in the shower.

She had been married so many times that she had rice marks on her face.

She had such bony legs that when she sat down, her knees made a fist.

She had so many double chins that she could wear a string of pearls without the string.

She spent so much time in parked cars that they are now showing her on some road maps.

She was so bowlegged and he was so knock-kneed that when they stood together they spelled OX.

She was so cheap that she only did crossword puzzles vertically so that she wouldn’t have to come across.

She was so cheap that she used only one ice cube when she had a headache.

She was so cross-eyed that she thought the sun set in the east.

She was so dubm that she thought a buttress was a female goat.

She was so dubm that she thought the Pied Piper was a drunken plumber.

She was so dubm that she thought Eartha Kitt was an Italian gardening set.

She was so dubm that she thought you had to take music lessons to fiddle around.

She was so dubm that when she saw a sign that said “MURDERER WANTED” she applied for the job.

She was so rich that she sent her dishes out to be dry-cleaned.

She was so thin that when she swallowed an olive three men left town.

She was so thin that when she wore a fur coat she looked like a pipe cleaner.

She was so ugly that when she walked into a room the mice jumped on a chair.

She was so ugly that when she was a child her parents always took her along so that they wouldn’t have to say good-bye.

She was so unattractive that she had to get BO to attract attention.

She was such a prude that she blushed when someone said “intersection.”


see also   Dubm  Section

 

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27-Mar-2017