Annoying Little Bars Of Soap

Please don’t leave them - I have my own


The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item - I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman




QuotaBills
Ya don't have to soft soap me. - Archie Bunker

Love is a kind of military service. - Ovid

Room service? Send up a larger room. - Groucho Marx

Is there no manners left among maids? - William Shakespeare

Room service - don't send up any more ice. - WC Fields

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. - Rodney Dangerfield

Pressed into service means pressed out of shape. - Robert Frost

I would rather sleep in a bathroom than in another hotel. - Billy Wilder

Service to others is the rent you pay for living on this planet. - Marian Wright Edelman

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? - George Carlin

Memorial Service: Farewell party for someone who has already left. - Robert Byrne

When all you've got is a hammer, bad service looks like a nail. - Doc Searls

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. - Bill Cosby

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P Jones

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. - Mahatma Gandhi

When in doubt as to the applicability of a disinfectant, use soap and water. - Martin H. Fischer

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. - Jonathan Katz

The service we render to others is really the rent we pay for our room on this earth. - Wilfred Grenfell

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old. - Groucho Marx

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman

The problem of improving literary taste is one for the schools. Soap operas sell lots of soap. - Neil McElroy

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

Beware of those who would pay you lip service but refuse to put their money where their mouths are. - Faydra D. Fields

The real test of your character is your treatment of those who can be of no possible service to you. - Unknown

Not everybody can be famous. But everybody can be great, because greatness is determined by service. - Martin Luther King Jr.

In this age, the man who dares to think for himself and to act independently does a service to his race. - John Stuart Mill

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth". - Groucho Marx

An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten

Service is the rent we pay for being. It is the very purpose of life, and not something you do in your spare time. - Marion Wright Edelman

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge. - Jerry Seinfeld

Taxpayer - someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination. - Ronald Reagan

The aim of marketing is to know and understand the customer so well the product or service fits him and sells itself. - Peter F Drucker

Maybe the answer to Selective Service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed. - Bill Vaughan

Psychiatrists say it's not good for man to keep too much to himself. The Internal Revenue Service says the same thing. - Harold Smith

When you inhale, you are taking the strength from God. When you exhale, it represents the service you are giving to the world. - B.K. Iyengar

In soap, fatty acids made from boiling pork bone fat are used as a hardening agent, but also for giving it a pearl-like effect. - Christien Meindertsma

Southwest Airlines is successful because the company understands it's a customer service company. It also happens to be an airline. - Harvey Mackay

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language?
One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton

If Obama resigns from office NOW, thereby doing a great service to the country, I will give him free lifetime golf at any one of my courses. - Donald Trump

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler


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21-May-2018