Bright Redneck

Who Says All Rednecks Are Dubm?


“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”

“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Bubba.”


QuotaBills
A light heart lives long. - William Shakespeare

Always speak politely to an enraged Dragon. - Steven Brust

Put the light out, and all women are alike. - German Proverb

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin

You don't have to be perfect to be brilliant. - Mark Eyre

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley

He who knows does not speak; he who speaks does not know. - Lao-tzu

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. - Arthur C. Clarke

England and America are two countries separated by a common language. - George Bernard Shaw

I only sound intelligent when there's a good scriptwriter around. - Christian Bale

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain

If people did not do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown

If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills? - Steven Wright

Three problems we have: lack of boundaries, insufficient language, incompletions. - Thomas Leonard

Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. - L.J. Peter

For those who seek it, there is inexhaustible evidence of an all-pervading intelligence. - Richard E Byrd

The same hot lightning that burns your blood with passion–– cools your fears with peace. - Aberjhani

Language is our meeting place, the sea we live in…it is the common ground of our humanity. - Toby Wolfe

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. - Franklin P. Jones

If there's a bright centre to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from. - Luke Skywalker

Free trade is terrible. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we have stupid people. - Donald Trump

The next woman who gets hold of me is gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars. - Jack Nicholson

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. - John Quinton

Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract. - Oliver Wendell Homes, Jr.

Conquer the world by intelligence, and not merely by being slavishly subdued by the terror that comes from it. - Bertrand Russell

Violence of language leads to violence of action. Angry men seldom fight if their tongues do not lead the fray. - Charles V Roman

No bum that can't speak poifect English oughta stay in this country - oughta be de-exported the hell outta here! - Archie Bunker

If the English language made any sense, 'lackadaisical' would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. - Doug Larson

Is marijuana addictive? Yes, in the sense that most of the really pleasant things in life are worth endlessly repeating. - Richard Neville

The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. - Mark Twain

Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends. - Mary Catherwood

We are faced with the paradoxical fact that education has become one of the chief obstacles to intelligence and freedom of thought. - Bertrand Russell

If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. - Nelson Mandela

A rooster crows only when it sees the light. Put him in the dark and he'll never crow. I have seen the light and I'm crowing. - Muhammad Ali

There is a plan to this universe. There is a high intelligence, maybe even a purpose, but it's given to us on the installment plan. - Isaac Bashevis Singer

You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms. - Terence McKenna

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language?
One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap. - Red Skelton

The light of a new day always chases the shadows of the night away, and shows us that the shape of our fears is only the ghost of our own minds. - Terry Goodkind


see also   Redneck  Section
Bright People
Conservative Plant
Cow Return
Cowcycle
First Shipment
Ottawa White Smoke
Pipe Talk
Puntastic
Seattle After Pot Was Legalized
Stay Off The Grass
Tearable Puns
Tridgeridoo

 

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29-Jun-2017