St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley

The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley

Yes, I am an Irish lass through and through. - Erin Andrews

Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce

When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh

Being Irish, I always had this love of words. - Kenneth Branagh

I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson

My dad's Irish music was such a huge influence. - Dido Armstrong

You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb

The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock

I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part. - Irish Blessings

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown

I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge

I miss Irish milk. Probably not as much as Superquinn sausages. - Tristan MacManus

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

Irish Alzheimer's - you forget everything except the grudges. - Unknown

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown

The Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Samuel Johnson

Irish people are educated not only about artistry but local history. - Fiona Shaw

I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon

Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead

If you're Irish, it doesn't matter where you go - you'll find family. - Victoria Smurfit

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him. - George Bernard Shaw

An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley

We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde

At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono

The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood

I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson

Ireland is a small but insuppressible island half an hour nearer the sunset than Great Britain. - Thomas Kettle

An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown

I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing. - Michael Flatley

Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown

Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner

I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie

I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison

The Irish Catholic side was married to the life of an actor and I found out acting could be a form of prayer. - Liam Neeson

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde

We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same. - Iris Murdoch

When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan

That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle

Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch. - Unknown

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?",
New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

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23-Apr-2017