St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy

Everyone is wise until he speaks. - Irish Drinking Toast

Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow. - James Joyce

There are not many Irish people playing tennis. - Goran Ivanisevic

I'm Irish. I think about death all the time. - Jack Nicholson

I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn

Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth

I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins

Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery

You think the Welsh are friendly, but the Irish are fabulous. - Bonnie Tyler

There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge

You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried. - Unknown

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. - Winston Churchill

Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof

I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon

I've heard some duff Irish accents. The worst must be Mickey Rourke. - James Nesbitt

Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me. - Colin Farrell

What's the use of being Irish if the world doesn't break your heart? - Unknown

The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde

I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly

At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono

There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying

I'm Irish. That means I'm Catholic. But, truth is, now I'm a retired Christian. - Peter O'Toole

The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

Let's just say, I'm Irish. I grew up in the 1950s. Religion had a very tight iron fist. - Liam Neeson

An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown

Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. - Unknown

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford

I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd

The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle

I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie

"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison

I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I'll probably waste. - Tug McGraw

As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt

We've never been cool, we're hot. Irish people are Italians who can't dress, Jamaicans who can't dance. - Bono

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft

With such riches as I have in life, you're always nervous. Being Irish, you're waiting for something to knock it sideways. - Pierce Brosnan

It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness. - Kenneth Tynan

That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle

I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner. - Liam Neeson

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?",
New York Mayor Al Smith: "Do we now?" - Franklin D Roosevelt


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

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27-May-2017