St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
No man is an Ireland. - Richard Daley

My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds

I am very proud to be Irish. - Philip Treacy

I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan

The gun is not out of Irish politics. - Ian Paisley

When Irish eyes are smiling, watch your step. - Gerald Kersh

I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn

Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart. - Maria Edgeworth

The Irish are a very popular race - with themselves. - Brendan Behan

I have a thing for red-haired Irish boys, as we know. - Sandra Bullock

Yelling Irish, you can sound like an angry Leprechaun. - Norman Reedus

I am Irish as a person, but I feel Jewish as an actor. - Harrison Ford

An Irishman's heart is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw

Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan

The Irish seem to have more fire about them than the Scots. - Sean Connery

I'm an Irish Catholic and I have a long iceberg of guilt. - Edna O'Brien

I'm walking backwards for Christmas Across the Irish Sea. - Spike Milligan

There is no language like the Irish for soothing and quieting. - John Millington Synge

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying

I'm from durable stock. I'm made to work. I'm Irish. - Mary McCormack

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish. - Unknown

It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce

I had an Irish Catholic education. Horrible nuns, vindictive and cruel. - John Lydon

Politics is the chloroform of the Irish people, or, rather the hashish. - Oliver St. John Gogarty

Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis. - Brendan Behan

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

The Irish and British, they love satire, it's a large part of the culture. - Ben Nicholson

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead

If you're Irish, it doesn't matter where you go - you'll find family. - Victoria Smurfit

Wherever you go and whatever you do, may the luck of the Irish be there with you. - Irish Blessings

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights. - Will Rogers

My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey

An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley

I'm not Irish. Just because I have red hair doesn't mean I'm a lucky charm. - Rebecca Mader

At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono

There are only two kinds of people in the world: the Irish and those who wish they were. - Irish Saying

The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it. - Sidney Littlewood

I had a very happy childhood, which is unsuitable if you're going to be an Irish writer. - Maeve Binchy

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: "Put it back in the horse!" - Unknown

Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner

I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon

What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland

I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd

Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy. - William Butler Yeats

I'm Irish on St. Patrick's Day. I'm Italian on Columbus Day. I'm a New Yorker every day. - Tamara Tunie

That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke. - Sean O'Casey

I was freelancing for years in Cork and around. I also wrote freelance pieces for 'The Irish Times.' - Kevin Barry

I'm a big fan of the Irish accent. After a couple of drinks, I start to get a bit of an Irish lilt, too. - Emily Ratajkowski

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde

Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats

For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor

Isn't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas. - Frank McCourt

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

Just Like Grandpa

High Heel Diver

Leading Edge Climber

Garden Gnome Soccer

Florence Time

Bird Trio

Chess Sudoku Puzzles C

I Want My Own Room

Fish Flops

Lip Gloss

Beer Pong

Canadian High Five

Kodak Moment

Third Fiddle

Clown Down

African Car Wash

Pointless

Hebrew Sudoku Puzzles A

Fowl Soccer Coach

Atrophy Cure
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20-Jun-2018