St. Patrick’s Day Joe-ks

One of the girls must be quite ill

Tall Irish tales


“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.


Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”


The Reunion

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” says the second. Curious, the first asks: “Where in Ireland?” “Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”
“Of course” The second man can’t help himself so he asks, “What school did you attend?”
“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in unison. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s up?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replied the bartender.
“The O’Malley twins are drunk again!”


The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation.”
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill.”


Lost At Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

QuotaBills
My soul is still Irish. - Ciaran Hinds

I'm Irish. We think sideways. - Spike Milligan

I come from a long line of staunch Irish Catholics. - Robert Vaughn

You never miss the water till the well has run dry. - Irish Proverb

I had that stubborn streak, the Irish in me I guess. - Gregory Peck

An Irish wedding is a tame thing to an Irish funeral. - Mary Deasy

I'm Irish and Cherokee Indian. I can't faint. - Lynn Collins

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch. - James Boswell

Where would the Irish be without someone to be Irish at? - Elizabeth Bowen

The heart of an Irishman is nothing but his imagination. - George Bernard Shaw

I've had Irish skin from the time I was a young girl. - Lara Flynn Boyle

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part. - Irish Blessings

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. - Brendan Behan

You think the Welsh are friendly, but the Irish are fabulous. - Bonnie Tyler

You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer. - Hal Roach

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish from ruling the world. - Irish Saying

Irish Alzheimer's - you forget everything except the grudges. - Unknown

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. - Samuel Beckett

In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist. - Unknown

It is a symbol of Irish art. The cracked looking-glass of a servant. - James Joyce

Irish Americans are no more Irish than Black Americans are Africans. - Bob Geldof

Yancy is actually a Native-American name, but I'm Irish. Go figure. - Yancy Butler

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another. - Unknown

Like an Irishman's obligation, all on the one side, and always yours. - English saying

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

What's the use of being Irish if the world doesn't break your heart? - Unknown

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. - Ted Whitehead

Let everyone leave all the guns - British guns and Irish guns - outside the door. - Martin McGuinness

I think of myself as being Jewish and Irish, despite the fact that I'm English. - Daniel Radcliffe

An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about. - Austin O'Malley

We Irish will never achieve anything; but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks. - Oscar Wilde

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big. - Bill O'Reilly

At the heart of the Irish economy has always been the philosophy of tax competitiveness. - Bono

The Irish are the only men who know how to cry for the dirty polluted blood of all the world. - Norman Mailer

The Irish do not want anyone to wish them well; they want everyone to wish their enemies ill. - Harold Nicolson

The trouble with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard

Irish boomerang: It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to. - Unknown

I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish. - Robin Williams

I think the genetics of being Irish are that you sort of prefer when it's rainy and cloudy. - Kate Flannery

I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke

Definition of an Irish fact: That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear. - Hugh Kenner

I had to have some balls to be Irish Catholic in South London. Most of that time I spent fighting. - Pierce Brosnan

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon

What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in. - Patrick Ireland

I think I'm going to keep my Irish accent forever now in any movie I make, because chicks dig it. - Chris O'Dowd

The problem with being Irish is having 'Riverdance' on your back. It's a burden at times. - Roddy Doyle

"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all. - Susan Dooley

I have drawn inspiration from the Marine Corps, the Jewish struggle in Palestine and Israel, and the Irish. - Leon Uris

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. - Oscar Wilde

As I told Piers Morgan, 'Catholics have confession, whereas Northern Irish Protestants only have interviews.' - James Nesbitt

Irish poets, learn your trade, sing whatever is well made, scorn the sort now growing up all out of shape from toe to top. - William Butler Yeats

If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain. - William Howard Taft

For my last meal, I'd want an Irish breakfast with soda bread and one of my dad's omelettes with three or four eggs. - Erin O'Connor

When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious. - Unknown

That's what the holidays are for - for one person to tell the stories and another to dispute them. Isn't that the Irish way? - Lara Flynn Boyle

Our ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that up as 'Irish politics'. - Flann O'Brien


see also   Irish  &  St. Patrick’s Day   Sections
Going Green for Ireland
Green Beards
Habby Sin Pad-Riggs Dey!
Irish Alzheimers
Irish Bar
Irish Birth Control
Irish Blessings and Sayings
Irish Drink
Irish Exam
Irish Flood
Irish Sky Garden Crater
Irish Virgin
Irish Weather Forecasting
Little Leprechaun
St. Patrick’s Day Riddles
St. Patrick’s Dog
Swimming Buddies
What’s Under The Kilt?

 

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25-Apr-2018