Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
Tests of love always end badly. - Melanie Thernstrom

See if he passed the literaracy test. - Archie Bunker

Truth is simple, requiring neither study nor art. - Ammian

Pedestrian: a man whose son is home from college. - Unknown

Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problems. - Romana Machado

The first test of a truly great man is his humility. - John Ruskin

I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - Mark Twain

Study history. In history lies all the secrets of statecraft. - Winston Churchill

Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other. - Edmund Burke

Texas is now a cornerstone of the electoral college for Republicans. - Ed Gillespie

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. - Sigfried Hulzer

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it's good it's lousy. - Unknown

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now. - Groucho Marx

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. - John Wooden

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after. - Vernon Law

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness. - Robert M. Hutchins

The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary study of man. - Cicero

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. - Unknown

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln

I must study politics and war that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. - John Adams

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

This is the first test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible value to him. - William Lyon Phelps

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan

I played basketball in high school, and I love watching sports - I'll watch everything except maybe hockey. - Andy Roddick

The chief reason for going to school is to get the impression fixed for life that there is a book side for everything. - Robert Frost

The Swedish engineer who invented the zip fastener made a greater intellectual leap than many scientists do in a lifetime. - Martin Rees

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing. - William Arthur Ward

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad. - Theodore Roosevelt

Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find his right road. - Dag Hammarskjold

I tell them that if they will occupy themselves with the study of mathematics they will find it the best remedy against the lusts of the flesh. - Thomas Mann

Whenever you are embarrassed, just remember that in 1999 NASA destroyed a $655 Million project because the engineers mistook kilograms and pounds. - Unknown

You need the kind of objectivity that makes you forget everything you've heard, clear the table, and do a factual study like a scientist would. - Steve Wozniak

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated. - Garry Trudeau

I suppose it is because nearly all children go to school nowadays and have things arranged for them that they seem so forlornly unable to produce their own ideas. - Agatha Christie


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15-Dec-2017