Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

Tests of love always end badly. - Melanie Thernstrom

Pedestrian: a man whose son is home from college. - Unknown

Most every dental school has discount dental services. - Matthew Lesko

I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings

The tests of life are not meant to break you but make you. - Norman Vincent Peale

A college education shows a man how little other people know. - T.C. Hailburton

Everyone makes fun of the Redneck until the Zombie Apocalypse. - Unknown

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

Texas is now a cornerstone of the electoral college for Republicans. - Ed Gillespie

Test yourself with the impossible, and you will know your capability. - Unknown

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

A pretty good test of a man's religion is how it affects his pocketbook. - Francis James Grimke

We look harder for flaws in a study when we don't agree with its conclusions. - Sharon Begley

I don't love studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful. - Natalie Portman

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after. - Vernon Law

I can get motivated seeing a kid at my son's school overcome a learning disability. - Jason Alexander

I study myself more than any other subject. That is my metaphysics, that is my physics, - Michel de Montaigne

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. - E. Joseph Cossman

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

The real test of your character is your treatment of those who can be of no possible service to you. - Unknown

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr

You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

If we are made of atoms, then a scientist studying atoms is actually a group of atoms studying themselves. - Unknown

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy

Physics is about questioning, studying, probing nature. You probe, and, if you're lucky, you get strange clues. - Lene Hau

Not every puzzle is intended to be solved. Some are in place to test your limits. Others are, in fact, not puzzles at all. - Vera Nazarian

The Swedish engineer who invented the zip fastener made a greater intellectual leap than many scientists do in a lifetime. - Martin Rees

This, then, is the test we must set for ourselves; not to march alone but to march in such a way that others will wish to join us. - Hubert H. Humphrey

If you study a subject every day, for one hour a day, for five days a week - in five years you will become an expert in that area. - Earl Nightingale

Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing. - William Arthur Ward

When I finished school, I took one of those career-aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh

Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find his right road. - Dag Hammarskjold

You need the kind of objectivity that makes you forget everything you've heard, clear the table, and do a factual study like a scientist would. - Steve Wozniak

Blind faith, no matter how passionately expressed, will not suffice. Science for its part will test relentlessly every assumption about the human condition. - E.O. Wilson

If Moses had gone to Harvard Law School and spent three years working on the Hill, he would have written the Ten Commandments with three exceptions and a saving clause. - Charles Morgan

If you want to surf, move to Hawaii. If you like to shop, move to New York. If you like acting and Hollywood, move to California. But if you like college football, move to Texas. - Ricky Williams

President Obama smoked so much pot in college he never learned to spell. Which is why he's confusing the word "ruining" the country with "running" the country. - Kilburn Hall

see also   College,  Engineering  &  Redneck  Sections
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