Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
Engineering with fabric. - Jean Muir

Tests of love always end badly. - Melanie Thernstrom

See if he passed the literaracy test. - Archie Bunker

I graduated first in my class from alibi school. - Jeffrey McDaniel

Truth is simple, requiring neither study nor art. - Ammian

Pedestrian: a man whose son is home from college. - Unknown

Only time will tell if we stand the test of time. - Van Halen

The first test of a truly great man is his humility. - John Ruskin

Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live. - Conte Vittorio Afieri

Most every dental school has discount dental services. - Matthew Lesko

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. - Mark Twain

A college education shows a man how little other people know. - T.C. Hailburton

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

I was a great student at a great school, Wharton School of Finance. - Donald Trump

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. - John Wooden

We look harder for flaws in a study when we don't agree with its conclusions. - Sharon Begley

Descartes commanded the future from his study more than Napoleon from the throne. - Oliver Holmes

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after. - Vernon Law

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen

I can get motivated seeing a kid at my son's school overcome a learning disability. - Jason Alexander

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

The cost of praising someone is nil - but every psychological study shows the payoff is huge. - Harvey Mackay

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

The test and the use of man's education is that he finds pleasure in the exercise of his mind. - Jacques Martin Barzun

The real test of your character is your treatment of those who can be of no possible service to you. - Unknown

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. - Bill Vaughan

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. - Mark Twain

Physics is about questioning, studying, probing nature. You probe, and, if you're lucky, you get strange clues. - Lene Hau

The chief reason for going to school is to get the impression fixed for life that there is a book side for everything. - Robert Frost

You can imagine me as a kid growing up in redneck Texas with ballet shoes, tucking the violin under my arm. I had to fight my way up. - Patrick Swayze

I tell them that if they will occupy themselves with the study of mathematics they will find it the best remedy against the lusts of the flesh. - Thomas Mann

You need the kind of objectivity that makes you forget everything you've heard, clear the table, and do a factual study like a scientist would. - Steve Wozniak

The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much, it is whether we provide enough for those who have little. - Franklin D Roosevelt

There is not better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giraudoux

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. - Bill Vaughan

If Moses had gone to Harvard Law School and spent three years working on the Hill, he would have written the Ten Commandments with three exceptions and a saving clause. - Charles Morgan

Left to ourselves, we might pick the wrong health insurance, the wrong mortgage, the wrong school for our kids; why, unless they stop us, we might pick the wrong light bulb. - Mitch Daniels

I used to collect hockey cards. It was like Vegas at my school. You'd go to school with your box of cards, and at recess and lunchtime there were all these games we'd play. - Steve Nash

There is nothing, Sir, too little for so little a creature as man. It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having a little misery and as much happiness as possible. - Samuel Johnson


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24-Jun-2019