Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

Engineering with fabric. - Jean Muir

See if he passed the literaracy test. - Archie Bunker

College is a refuge from hasty judgment. - Robert Frost

The first test of a truly great man is his humility. - John Ruskin

Most every dental school has discount dental services. - Matthew Lesko

The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure. - Laurence J. Peter

The tests of life are not meant to break you but make you. - Norman Vincent Peale

Study history. In history lies all the secrets of statecraft. - Winston Churchill

Everyone makes fun of the Redneck until the Zombie Apocalypse. - Unknown

Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other. - Edmund Burke

Study in the course of your life to do the greatest amount of good. - John McDonough

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. - Sigfried Hulzer

I will study and prepare myself… and someday my chance will come. - Abraham Lincoln

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it's good it's lousy. - Unknown

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now. - Groucho Marx

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. - John Wooden

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after. - Vernon Law

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness. - Robert M. Hutchins

I study myself more than any other subject. That is my metaphysics, that is my physics, - Michel de Montaigne

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

The test and the use of man's education is that he finds pleasure in the exercise of his mind. - Jacques Martin Barzun

One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency. - Arnold H. Glasow

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

This is the first test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible value to him. - William Lyon Phelps

Here is a test to find out whether your mission on earth is finished: If you are alive, it isn't. - Richard Bach

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy

Physics is about questioning, studying, probing nature. You probe, and, if you're lucky, you get strange clues. - Lene Hau

There are advantages to being President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret. - Ronald Reagan

This, then, is the test we must set for ourselves; not to march alone but to march in such a way that others will wish to join us. - Hubert H. Humphrey

If you study a subject every day, for one hour a day, for five days a week - in five years you will become an expert in that area. - Earl Nightingale

That is the exploration that awaits you! Not mapping stars and studying nebula, but charting the unknown possibilities of existence. - Leonard Nimoy

I tell them that if they will occupy themselves with the study of mathematics they will find it the best remedy against the lusts of the flesh. - Thomas Mann

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen

There is not better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giraudoux

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. - George Carlin

I suppose it is because nearly all children go to school nowadays and have things arranged for them that they seem so forlornly unable to produce their own ideas. - Agatha Christie

If Moses had gone to Harvard Law School and spent three years working on the Hill, he would have written the Ten Commandments with three exceptions and a saving clause. - Charles Morgan

To teach how to live without certainty and yet without being paralysed by hesitation is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can do for those who study it. - Bertrand Russell

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