Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
Tests of love always end badly. - Melanie Thernstrom

Architecture begins where engineering ends. - Walter Gropius

I go to school the youth to learn the future. - Robert Frost

I graduated first in my class from alibi school. - Jeffrey McDaniel

Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live. - Conte Vittorio Afieri

I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test. - Fritz Hollings

A college education shows a man how little other people know. - T.C. Hailburton

Study in the course of your life to do the greatest amount of good. - John McDonough

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. - Sigfried Hulzer

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. - George W. Bush

The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching. - John Wooden

Descartes commanded the future from his study more than Napoleon from the throne. - Oliver Holmes

When I was in high school, I earned the pimple award and every other gross-out award. - Jack Nicholson

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen

I study myself more than any other subject. That is my metaphysics, that is my physics, - Michel de Montaigne

Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

It is a fine thing to have ability, but the ability to discover ability in others is the true test. - Elbert Hubbard

This is the first test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible value to him. - William Lyon Phelps

If we are made of atoms, then a scientist studying atoms is actually a group of atoms studying themselves. - Unknown

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. - Mark Twain

I played basketball in high school, and I love watching sports - I'll watch everything except maybe hockey. - Andy Roddick

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

We study the glory of God, and the honour and liberty of parliament, for which we fight, without seeking our own interests. - Oliver Cromwell

This, then, is the test we must set for ourselves; not to march alone but to march in such a way that others will wish to join us. - Hubert H. Humphrey

That is the exploration that awaits you! Not mapping stars and studying nebula, but charting the unknown possibilities of existence. - Leonard Nimoy

Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing. - William Arthur Ward

When I finished school, I took one of those career-aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh

Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find his right road. - Dag Hammarskjold

I tell them that if they will occupy themselves with the study of mathematics they will find it the best remedy against the lusts of the flesh. - Thomas Mann

Whenever you are embarrassed, just remember that in 1999 NASA destroyed a $655 Million project because the engineers mistook kilograms and pounds. - Unknown

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college. - Bill Vaughan

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. - George Carlin

If you want to succeed, worry less about what college you get into and more about doing your homework, taking care of your chores and being nice to other people. - Jay Mathews

As an adult and a parent, when I'm not acting, I'm not acting. I'm being a parent, and I'm on the school run, and I'm sewing labels onto socks. - Kate Winslet

To teach how to live without certainty and yet without being paralysed by hesitation is perhaps the chief thing that philosophy, in our age, can do for those who study it. - Bertrand Russell

The best narrative is one of infinite love. A spiritual affair - one not of the material world. Intermingled, with no beginning nor end - it will always stand the test of time. - Terry A. O'Neal

I used to collect hockey cards. It was like Vegas at my school. You'd go to school with your box of cards, and at recess and lunchtime there were all these games we'd play. - Steve Nash

A motorcycle functions entirely in accordance with the laws of reason, and a study of the art of motorcycle maintenance is really a miniature study of the art of rationality itself. - Robert M. Pirsig


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15-Oct-2018