Redneck Engineering Exam

Cheat Sheet from a smart Redneck college student


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A) ’66 Ford Fairlane B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle C) ’64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?
* For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

11. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

How Rednecks succeed at College

QuotaBills
See if he passed the literaracy test. - Archie Bunker

College is a refuge from hasty judgment. - Robert Frost

Architecture begins where engineering ends. - Walter Gropius

I go to school the youth to learn the future. - Robert Frost

Death and taxes are unsolved engineering problems. - Romana Machado

The first test of a truly great man is his humility. - John Ruskin

The tests of life are not meant to break you but make you. - Norman Vincent Peale

If a man's wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics. - Francis Bacon

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. - Benjamin Franklin

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. - Mark Twain

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal. - Sigfried Hulzer

Success can test one's mettle as surely as the strongest adversary. - Unknown

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage. - George Gobel

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. - Woody Allen

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first and the lesson after. - Vernon Law

When I was in high school, I earned the pimple award and every other gross-out award. - Jack Nicholson

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen

It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. - Bill Vaughan

If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society. - Jaden Smith

I must study politics and war that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. - John Adams

One has to look out for engineers - they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb. - Marcel Pagnol

This is the first test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible value to him. - William Lyon Phelps

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. - Jay Leno

You learn how to be book smart in school, but you better not forget that you also need to be street smart. - Harvey Mackay

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. - Jeff Foxworthy

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. - Mark Twain

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. - Steven Wright

I played basketball in high school, and I love watching sports - I'll watch everything except maybe hockey. - Andy Roddick

Physics is about questioning, studying, probing nature. You probe, and, if you're lucky, you get strange clues. - Lene Hau

The chief reason for going to school is to get the impression fixed for life that there is a book side for everything. - Robert Frost

Not every puzzle is intended to be solved. Some are in place to test your limits. Others are, in fact, not puzzles at all. - Vera Nazarian

NASA scientists have been studying giraffe skin so they can apply what they learn from it to the construction of spacesuits. - Joanna Lumley

I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at four in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today. - George Foreman

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. - Unknown

You need the kind of objectivity that makes you forget everything you've heard, clear the table, and do a factual study like a scientist would. - Steve Wozniak

Success is no accident. It is hard work, perseverance, learning, studying, sacrifice and most of all, love of what you are doing or learning to do. - Pele

Blind faith, no matter how passionately expressed, will not suffice. Science for its part will test relentlessly every assumption about the human condition. - E.O. Wilson

I used to collect hockey cards. It was like Vegas at my school. You'd go to school with your box of cards, and at recess and lunchtime there were all these games we'd play. - Steve Nash

I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him. - Donald Trump

There is nothing, Sir, too little for so little a creature as man. It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having a little misery and as much happiness as possible. - Samuel Johnson


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21-Jul-2018