The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Community (EU) - rather than German (the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5 year plan to phase in new rules that would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish. The agreed plan is as follows:

In the first year, the soft “c” would be replaced by “s”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be replased by “k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” is replased by “f”. This will reduse “fotograf” by 20%.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgrasful, and they should eliminat them.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v” (saving mor keyboard spas).

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords containing “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!