As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree” – probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody’s.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, and you travel a lot.

I was thrown out of college during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final - I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick – not wounded – dead.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to be a hundred.