A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?”
The guy says, “I make a good living.”

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I wanted to be an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.
Post Note:  U.S. court case sets new Atheist Holiday!

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I’ve kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him.

My grandfather is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.