Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Take my wife - please! - Henny Youngman
Mother is a verb, not a noun. - Shonda Rhimes
Fearlessness is the mother of reinvention. - Arianna Huffington
Necessity, who is the mother of our invention. - Plato
A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. - Emily Dickinson
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. - Abraham Lincoln
A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
Blaming mother is just a negative way of clinging to her still. - Nancy Friday
Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. - Groucho Marx
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. - Shelley Winters
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx
There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - English Proverb
My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. - Mark Twain
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde
Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson
Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - Marion C. Garretty
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. - Milton Berle
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher
My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. - Amy Sedaris
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen
Middle Age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. - Harold Coffin
I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor
In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. - Rodney Dangerfield
If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from my mother. - Booker T. Washington
My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice. - Michael Gurnow
My mother was a reader, and she read to us. She read us Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when I was six and my brother was eight. I never forgot it. - Stephen King
The rhythm of the footsteps, the sound of whatever is coming down the ladder is driving both me and my mom steadily toward peeing our pants. - Kendare Blake
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx
This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house. - Jim Lemon
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