Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mother is a verb, not a noun. - Shonda Rhimes
Ignorance is the mother of admiration. - George Chapman
The best place to cry is on a mother's arms. - Jodi Picoult
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker
Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. - Robert A. Heinlein
Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face. - George Eliot
I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse. - Spike Milligan
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - WC Fields
I know enough to know that when you're in a pickle... call Mom. - Jennifer Garner
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx
New mother - they get a sense of waddya call, "the maternals." - Archie Bunker
The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - John Wooden
Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father. - Roger von Oech
Symptoms are the body's mother tongue; signs are in a foreign language. - John Brown
A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. - Dorothy Fisher
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip
I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke
One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Ray Chenoweth
Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. - Bob Monkhouse
You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's. - Robert Frost
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. - Florida Scott-Maxwell
My mother had this amazing attitude in the face of everything, including when she got cancer. - Bill Clinton
In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman
Sayin' grace - it's just thankin' Mother Nature, whose 1st name just happens to be Grace. - Archie Bunker
You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. - Henny Youngman
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. - Robert Frost
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow. - Maya Angelou
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry
The rhythm of the footsteps, the sound of whatever is coming down the ladder is driving both me and my mom steadily toward peeing our pants. - Kendare Blake
Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."
WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible." - WC Fields
Education commences on the mother's knee, and every word spoken within hearsay of little children tends toward the formation of character. - Hosea Ballou
I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Nothing Can Compete With A Good Book
How To Prevent Cheating
Worst Job in the Army
Is Lunch Ready?
Food Bank Closure
Breakfast In Bed
'Turn Me Over' Pickup
Ice Cream Thief