Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mother Superiority - Archie Bunker
I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. - Unknown
You trust your mother, but you cut the cards. - Unknown
Necessity, who is the mother of our invention. - Plato
The best place to cry is on a mother's arms. - Jodi Picoult
A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap. - Danish Proverb
Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. - Oprah Winfrey
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Adam was the luckiest man in the world - he had no mother-in-law. - Sholom Aleichem
Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother. - Unknown
The story of a mother's life: trapped between a scream and a hug. - Cathy Guisewite
My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - E. Joseph Cossman
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip. - Groucho Marx
My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. - Groucho Marx
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde
Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - Marion C. Garretty
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip
A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. - Unknown
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed - I never knew they worked. - Les Dawson
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter
My mother is Irish, my father is black and Venezuelan, and me - I'm tan, I guess. - Mariah Carey
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. - Les Dawson
The Iron Curtain may be a thing of the past, but Mother Russia is as mysterious as ever. - Robert Gottlieb
In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman
Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall. A mother's secret hope outlives them all. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible. - Homer Simpson
If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from my mother. - Booker T. Washington
Drunk Man: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy Parker: "Apparently your mother could." - Dorothy Parker
The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. - Rodney Dangerfield
So long as the mother, ignorance, lives, it is not safe for science, the offspring, to divulge the hidden cause of things. - Johannes Kepler
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill
I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity. - Eleanor Roosevelt
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