Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Leisure is the Mother of Philosophy. - Thomas Hobbes
Necessity is the mother of taking chances. - Mark Twain
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. - Spanish Proverb
The best place to cry is on a mother's arms. - Jodi Picoult
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante
A rich child often sits in a poor mother's lap. - Danish Proverb
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen
No one else, ever, will think you're great the way your mother does. - Mary Matalin
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. - Mark Twain
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology. - Ray Romano
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle. - Phyllis Diller
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. - WC Fields
Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! - Homer Simpson
The only mothers it is safe to forget on Mother's Day are the good ones. - Mignon McLaughlin
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman
My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
Middle Age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature. - Harold Coffin
I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad. - P.J. O'Rourke
You don't have to deserve your mother's love. You have to deserve your father's. - Robert Frost
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. - Milton Berle
Psychiatrist: a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Unknown
I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along. - Groucho Marx
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. - Erma Bombeck
You really don't need to study how to change a diaper. As a new mom, you learn pretty darn quickly! - Ivanka Trump
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta
What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you. - Nora Ephron
A man with a career can have no time to waste upon his wife and friends; he has to devote it wholly to his enemies. - John Hobbes
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson
Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."
WC Fields: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible." - WC Fields
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Never play cards with a man called Doc, never eat at a place called Mom's, and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. - Nelson Algren
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. - Groucho Marx
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
2019 Hooters Owl & Birds of Prey Calendars (3)
Bad Hair Day
Word Puzzle Clock
Redneck Wave Runner
Smoked Fish Poacher
Birding Skills 101
Redneck Riding Lawnmower
Two Feet Of Snow