Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mother is a verb, not a noun. - Shonda Rhimes
Leisure is the Mother of Philosophy. - Thomas Hobbes
Who has a bad wife, his hell begins on earth. - Dutch Proverb
Me and your mother ain't no duke or duke-ess. - Archie Bunker
No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe. - Old Saying
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side. - Archie Bunker
Nothing is really lost until your Mom can't find it. - Unknown
My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse. - Unknown
I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman
My mom always said normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. - Wynonna Judd
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Ogden Nash
I know enough to know that when you're in a pickle... call Mom. - Jennifer Garner
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign. - Woody Allen
My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she's coming with me. - Jon Bon Jovi
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. - Unknown
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Henry Ward Beecher
I want to stay curled and cosied and chocolated... forever in my mother's arms. - Sanober Khan
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. - Les Dawson
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby
One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to love their mother. - Ray Chenoweth
In Las Vegas, a man said to his wife, "Give me the money I told you not to give me." - Henny Youngman
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. - Jay Leno
I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. - Monty Python Anb The Holy Grail
Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall. A mother's secret hope outlives them all. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
They want people like your mother down there because they know they ain't got no pre-conscrewed ideas. - Archie Bunker
If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from my mother. - Booker T. Washington
Drunk Man: "I can't bear fools."
Dorothy Parker: "Apparently your mother could." - Dorothy Parker
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
A little House well fill'd, a little Field well till'd, and a little Wife well will'd, are great Riches. - Benjamin Franklin
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. - Sophia Loren
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Insect Food Fight
Living At C Level
Little Johnny Bath
Emergency Stops Only
Portable Balance Beam
Fried Eggs - Military Style
Teenage Mutant Ninja Hay Bail
Got Them All
Air Force Pilots
See You Later
Cell Phone Booth