Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string I
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s Moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
3. Whether he made more than $800 per year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What’s the difference between Moms and Dad?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power ‘cause that’s
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
Mother's Day greetings from the Joe-kster
I miss you, Mom...
Mother Superiority - Archie Bunker
My wife gives good headache. - Rodney Dangerfield
The titular head... that's the mother, ain't it? - Archie Bunker
Air pollution is turning Mother Nature prematurely gray. - Irv Kupcinet
Food, love, mother and career: the four basic guilt groups. - Cathy Guisewite
All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. - Abraham Lincoln
I give unto my wife my second best bed, with the furniture. - William Shakespeare
A man's home is his castle, and his wife is the janitor. - Lucille Kallen
The antiques my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque. - Peter De Vries
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. - Rodney Dangerfield
Blaming mother is just a negative way of clinging to her still. - Nancy Friday
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born. - Rodney Dangerfield
Behind every successful man is a woman.
Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? - George Carlin
No one else, ever, will think you're great the way your mother does. - Mary Matalin
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. - Tony Curtis
The only mothers it is safe to forget on Mother's Day are the good ones. - Mignon McLaughlin
My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him. - Henny Youngman
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night. - Rodney Dangerfield
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse. - Milton Berle
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman
My wife and I have a tradition of popcorn and videos with our kids on Friday evenings. - Ozwald Boateng
My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. - Les Dawson
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby
I'm a very committed wife. I should be committed, too, for being married so many times. - Elizabeth Taylor
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter DeVries
Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall. A mother's secret hope outlives them all. - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible. - Homer Simpson
They want people like your mother down there because they know they ain't got no pre-conscrewed ideas. - Archie Bunker
My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana." - Betty White
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, Just wait. - Judy Tenuta
The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!" - Red Skelton
I love those hockey moms. You know what they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull is? Lipstick. - Sarah Palin
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. - Milton Berle
If another one of my Whole Food friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt
By embracing your mother wound as your yoga, you transform what has been a hindrance in your life into a teacher of the heart. - Phillip Moffitt
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop. - Winston Churchill
One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. - J.B. Morton
A Mother’s Day Special
A Mother’s Love
A Woman’s Mind
Looking For Your Wife?
Mother’s Day Gift - Not
Real Man’s Point System
Swimming Without Getting Your Hair Wet
Duct Tape - for a Prettier World
Don't Get Your Head In A Knot
Highest Human Position In The World
You Never Call
Columbia Street Party
Fly By Meal