A day without sunshine is like night.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I don’t get even, I get odder.
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can’t it get us out?
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Words of Wisdom From Children
Redneck Repair Kit
Redneck Wine Rack
Domino Telephone Booths
With Or Without The Beatles
How To Improve Your Car's Radio Reception
Stop And Smell The Flowers
Laws Of Physics For Goats