Memo To: All
Subject: New Company Policy
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary:
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a Doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go
to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of employment.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough
to keep the job going in your absence.
Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks
advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all
employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those
whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with “B”
will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies,
employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors
must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After yoursecond offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.
Example: Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 5.00
Past your time 1.00
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Net Pay $0.12
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be
directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Pass this on to all who are employed
Business, Finance, Office & Work Sections
Employee Happiness Kit
Master Reference Binder
New Company Policy - What this looked like in 2000
New Manager’s Crisis Envelopes
Take Away Van
Holy Day Inn
Rising To The Occasion
High Wire Act
Sunday Drive in the Country
Playground Child Eliminator
The Joe-kster Working Out
Redneck Auto Mechanic
What Goes Round Comes Round