Revised Company Policy
Cutbacks required during tough economic times
Updated message to all existing employees

Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Company Policy

Dress Code
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary:
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a Doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Surgery
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Restroom Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with “B” will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After yoursecond offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Paycheck Guide
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.

Example: Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 5.00
Past your time 1.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01

Net Pay $0.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed

see also   Business,  Finance,  Office  &  Work  Sections
Employee Happiness Kit
Master Reference Binder
New Company Policy - What this looked like in 2000
New Manager’s Crisis Envelopes

 

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20-Oct-2019