Costco Doctor

Where to check your family’s medical symptoms


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!


Clues that can help to determine the most likely diagnosis
when illness is present

QuotaBills
I told you I was sick. - B.P. Roberts

The cure for grief is motion. - Elbert Hubbard

Laughter is the best medicine. - the Joe-kster

I speak two languages, English and Body. - Mae West

Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine. - Martin H. Fischer

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin

I've tried body surfing. It's nice. - Ziggy Marley

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns

Sickness comes on horseback but departs on foot. - Dutch Proverb

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. - Ben Franklin

I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying - dead. - Oscar Wilde

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington

Be strong in body, clean in mind, lofty in ideals. - James Naismith

A room without books is like a body without a soul. - Marcus Tullius Cicero

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Milligan

Life without liberty is like a body without spirit. - Khalil Gibran

Four wheels move the body. Two wheels move the soul. - Unknown

There is no physician who can cure the disease of love. - African Proverb

A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement. - Jess C. Scott

I have friends struggling with autism, juvenile diabetes. - Nicole A. Parker

I'm never sick. Why get sick? It's a waste of time. - Martha Stewart

There is no cure for birth and death, save to enjoy the interval. - George Santayana

There is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - Jack E. Leonard

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. - Rodney Dangerfield

Would you take all these pains about your looks if every body was blind? - Charles Finney

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. - Steven Wright

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick - not wounded - dead. - Woody Allen

Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley

To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher

The doctors can cure all sorts of ills, except the shock of doctors' bills. - Unknown

Diabetes is all about insulin levels and sugar levels and what you put in your body. - Jay Cutler

To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukemia with leeches. - Margaret Thatcher

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright

The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying

My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter

Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce

I've always been independent. I've always had courage. But I didn't always own my diabetes. - Mary Tyler Moore

If you would perfect your body, guard your mind.
If you would renew your body, beautify your mind. - James Allen

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull

One in four kids have either pre-diabetes or diabetes - what I like to call diabesity. How did this happen? - Mark Hyman

You know when you eat too many sweets and get diabetes? Paparazzi are the diabetes of materialistic culture. - Shirley MacLaine

Our memories are card indexes consulted, and then put back in disorder, by authorities whom we do not control. - Cyril Connolly

The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle

One of the greatest things about the sport of surfing is that you need only three things: your body, a surfboard, and a wave. - Naima Green

I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

When you are called to a sick man, be sure you know what the matter is — if you do not know, nature can do a great deal better than you can guess. - Nicholas de Belleville


see also   Family,  Medical  &  Shopping  Sections
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18-Jun-2019