Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets



Speaking music terminology to a bartender

QuotaBills
Jazz is democracy in music. - Wynton Marsalis

Where words fail, music speaks. - Hans Christian Anderson

A pun is the lowest form of wit. - John Dennis

Hell is full of musical amateurs. - George Bernard Shaw

I'm Liberace without a piano. - Paul Lynde

Music is the shorthand of emotion. - Leo Tolstoy

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Puns are a form of humor with words. - Guillermo C. Infante

Music is the soundtrack of your life. - Dick Clark

My puns are not trivial. They are quadrivial. - James Joyce

Music is spiritual. The music business is not. - Van Morrison

I hate music - especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

You're a bartender, y'aint a mortrician. - Archie Bunker

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky

The music is all around us. All you have to do is listen. - August Rush

Conservatives define themselves in terms of what they oppose. - George Will

Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail. - Luciano Pavarotti

The symphony must be like the world. It must embrace everything. - Gustav Mahler

Life is a rich strain of music, suggesting a realm too fair to be. - George William Curtis

If in the afterlife there is not music, we will have to import it. - Domenico Cieri Estrada

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. - Kin Hubbard

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. - Tom Lehrer

The power of music feels like taking a a nice brake from this busy world. - Millie DeWitt

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

Sometimes I can only groan, and suffer, and pour out my despair at the piano. - Frederic Chopin

Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have hear below. - Joseph Addison

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf. - Walter Lippmann

The guitar is a small orchestra. It is polyphonic. Every string is a different color, a different voice. - Andres Segovia

I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison

In a weird kind of way, music has afforded me an idealism and perfectionism that I could never attain as me. - Billy Corgan

What sounds to you like a big load of trashy noise... is in fact... the brilliant music of a genius... myself. - Iggy Pop

Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. - Charlie Parker

You write to become immortal, or because the piano happens to be open, or you've looked into a pair of beautiful eyes. - Robert Schumann

There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't. - Lemony Snicket

The twelve notes in each octave and the variety of rhythm offer me opportunities that all of human genius will never exhaust. - Igor Stravinsky

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - Oscar Wilde

Music embodies feeling without forcing it to contend and combine with thought, as it is forced in most arts and especially in the art of words. - Franz Liszt


Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn’t have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I’ve found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn’t you get my note? I’ve had to scale back - it’ll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can’t you reed? Don’t use that tone with me... I didn’t mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we’ll be working in concert with other professionals, but we’ve really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don’t worry - I’ll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I’d like to C him again, it would B nice to know he’s OK. Don’t worry - he’ll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don’t C sharp, you’ll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can’t Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It’s time to drum up a new topic - I’m leaving this conversation at a low note...


see also   Music  &  pun-e  Sections
Island Music
Making Music Together
Mennonites Don’t Like Symphony Music
Music Note Chairlift
Music Sudoku
Pianist’s Challenge
Shark Week Theme Song
Stop, You’re Under A Rest!
Tom Lee Music Franchise Opportunities
Staff Meeting
Water Music
 

Vintage Campers

Cliff Side Camping

Tree Removal

Blake Lively

Cheers!

Da Vinci Code Revealed

What An Earfull

Fowl Play

Squirrel Feeder Trap

Inside Out Cat

Summer Speeding Ticket

Property Boundary

Fireman Mouth

Somalia Pirate Souvenir

Jigsaw Sudoku Puzzles

Kick Out Boxing

Sorry Tree

Air Meal

Jet Ski Transport

Sock Anatomy
Submissions by Wayne NowazekFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

Voted #1 Humor Site

26-May-2017