Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets



Speaking music terminology to a bartender

QuotaBills
Hell is full of musical amateurs. - George Bernard Shaw

Music is the shorthand of emotion. - Leo Tolstoy

The piano has been drinking, not me. - Tom Waits

Music is the soundtrack of your life. - Dick Clark

Music describes what words can't. - Unknown

Canned music is like audible wallpaper. - Alistair Cooke

The piano ain't got no wrong notes. - Thelonious Monk

Extraordinary how potent cheap music is. - Noel Coward

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain

Music is well said to be the speech of angels. - Thomas Carlyle

Music is what our soul sounds like when it sings. - Xila Toro

Without music, life is a journey through a desert. - Pat Conroy

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. - Groucho Marx

I like your opera. I think I will set it to music. - Ludwig van Beethoven

Making music should not be left to the professionals. - Michelle Shocked

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. - Elvis Costello

You just pick a chord, go twang, and you've got music. - Sid Vicious

Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail. - Luciano Pavarotti

The sweetest music in the world to every person is his own name. - Unknown

May my last breath be drawn through a pipe and exhaled in a pun. - Charles Lamb

Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy. - Dierks Bentley

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. - Louis Armstrong

My metabolism stinks. I can gain weight just listening to dinner music. - Ron Dentinger

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. - Vladimir Nabokov

There are eighty-eight keys on a piano and within that, an entire universe. - James Rhodes

In terms of being late or not starting at all, then it's never too late. - Alison Headley

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing. - John Erskine

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try. - Mary Kay Ash

I dreamt of you last night, as if I was playing the piano and you were turning the pages for me. - Vladimir Nabokov

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk. - Oscar Wilde

Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. - Ani DiFranco

Whatever music sounds like, I am glad to say that it does not sound in the smallest degree like German. - Oscar Wilde

There are only three colors, ten digits, and seven notes; it's what we do with them that's important. - Ruth Ross

What sounds to you like a big load of trashy noise... is in fact... the brilliant music of a genius... myself. - Iggy Pop

I alone of English writers have consciously set myself to make music out of what I may call the sound of sense. - Robert Frost

If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of 100 years, teach the people. - Confucius

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. - Oscar Wilde

Music is the great uniter. An incredible force. Something that people who differ on everything and anything else can have in common. - Sarah Dessen

Music embodies feeling without forcing it to contend and combine with thought, as it is forced in most arts and especially in the art of words. - Franz Liszt

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. - Bob Newhart


Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn’t have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I’ve found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn’t you get my note? I’ve had to scale back - it’ll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can’t you reed? Don’t use that tone with me... I didn’t mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we’ll be working in concert with other professionals, but we’ve really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don’t worry - I’ll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I’d like to C him again, it would B nice to know he’s OK. Don’t worry - he’ll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don’t C sharp, you’ll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can’t Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It’s time to drum up a new topic - I’m leaving this conversation at a low note...


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27-Jul-2017