Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets



Speaking music terminology to a bartender

QuotaBills
Jazz is democracy in music. - Wynton Marsalis

Hell is full of musical amateurs. - George Bernard Shaw

Music is the shorthand of emotion. - Leo Tolstoy

Puns are a form of humor with words. - Guillermo C. Infante

Music is what our soul sounds like when it sings. - Xila Toro

Without music, life is a journey through a desert. - Pat Conroy

Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music. - Ronald Reagan

You can't touch music, but music can touch you. - Mordecai

Get up from that piano. You hurtin' its feelings. - Jelly Roll Morton

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Dancing can reveal all the mystery that music conceals. - Charles Baudelaire

The music is all around us. All you have to do is listen. - August Rush

After Rossini dies, who will there be to promote his music? - Richard Wagner

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. - Groucho Marx

A poet never takes notes. You never take notes in a love affair. - Robert Frost

People haven't always been there for me, but music always has. - Taylor Swift

Nothing is capable of being well set to music that is not nonsense. - Joseph Addison

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself. - Doug Larson

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. - Louis Armstrong

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. - William Stafford

In terms of being late or not starting at all, then it's never too late. - Alison Headley

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing. - John Erskine

Sometimes I can only groan, and suffer, and pour out my despair at the piano. - Frederic Chopin

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. - Alfred A. Knopf

Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have hear below. - Joseph Addison

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't. - Simon Cowell

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

My father had a piano that was a nickelodeon - put a nickel, and the roller would play. - Frank Sinatra

I dreamt of you last night, as if I was playing the piano and you were turning the pages for me. - Vladimir Nabokov

If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk. - Oscar Wilde

The guitar is a small orchestra. It is polyphonic. Every string is a different color, a different voice. - Andres Segovia

I think Paul McGuinness and U2 created the Irish music industry. It certainly wasn't there before that. - Van Morrison

There are only three colors, ten digits, and seven notes; it's what we do with them that's important. - Ruth Ross

Melody is the essence of music. I compare a good melodist to a fine racer, and counterpoints to hack post-horses. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays. - Oscar Wilde

You write to become immortal, or because the piano happens to be open, or you've looked into a pair of beautiful eyes. - Robert Schumann

Piano playing is more difficult than statesmanship. It is harder to awake emotions in ivory keys than it is in human beings. - Ignace Jan Paderewski

Music embodies feeling without forcing it to contend and combine with thought, as it is forced in most arts and especially in the art of words. - Franz Liszt

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down. - Bob Newhart


Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn’t have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I’ve found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn’t you get my note? I’ve had to scale back - it’ll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can’t you reed? Don’t use that tone with me... I didn’t mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we’ll be working in concert with other professionals, but we’ve really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don’t worry - I’ll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I’d like to C him again, it would B nice to know he’s OK. Don’t worry - he’ll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don’t C sharp, you’ll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can’t Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It’s time to drum up a new topic - I’m leaving this conversation at a low note...


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24-Sep-2017