Noteable Bartender

High-strung, lazy guitarists make idle frets



Speaking music terminology to a bartender

QuotaBills
I'm Liberace without a piano. - Paul Lynde

Puns are a form of humor with words. - Guillermo C. Infante

Country music is three chords and the truth. - Harlan Howard

Rock and roll: music for the neck downwards. - Keith Richards

You're a bartender, y'aint a mortrician. - Archie Bunker

Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music. - Ronald Reagan

You can't touch music, but music can touch you. - Mordecai

Get up from that piano. You hurtin' its feelings. - Jelly Roll Morton

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best. - Oscar Wilde

Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory. - Oscar Wilde

The music is all around us. All you have to do is listen. - August Rush

You just pick a chord, go twang, and you've got music. - Sid Vicious

Every day a piano doesn't fall on my head is good luck. - Meg Rosoff

Music can be made anywhere, is invisible and does not smell. - W H Auden

Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one. - Duke Ellington

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns. - Groucho Marx

Yoga is almost like music in a way; there's no end to it. - Sting

I don't put boundaries on myself when I sit at the piano. - Vanessa Carlton

No one can whistle a symphony. It takes an orchestra to play it. - H.E. Luccock

If in the afterlife there is not music, we will have to import it. - Domenico Cieri Estrada

Nothing is capable of being well set to music that is not nonsense. - Joseph Addison

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself. - Doug Larson

Music is the divine way to tell beautiful, poetic things to the heart. - Pablo Casals

The trouble with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does. - Unknown

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try. - Mary Kay Ash

There, standing at the piano, was the original good time who had been had by all. - Kenneth Tynan

Music has charms to sooth a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak. - William Congreve

Great music is as much about the space between the notes as it is about the notes themselves. - Sting

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought. - E Y Harburg

The guitar is a small orchestra. It is polyphonic. Every string is a different color, a different voice. - Andres Segovia

What's the earth with all its art, verse, music, worth -
Compared with love, found, gained, and kept? - Robert Browning

Melody is the essence of music. I compare a good melodist to a fine racer, and counterpoints to hack post-horses. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays. - Oscar Wilde

Morals are an acquirement - like music, like a foreign language, like piety, poker, paralysis - no man is born with them. - Mark Twain

There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't. - Lemony Snicket

The twelve notes in each octave and the variety of rhythm offer me opportunities that all of human genius will never exhaust. - Igor Stravinsky

The piano is a universal instrument. If you start there, learn your theory and how to read, you can go on to any other instrument. - Eddie Van Halen

I see history as really cyclical in terms of the intense idealism, and the desire to create a better life outside of societal norms. - Lauren Groff

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of twenty-two, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation. - Tom Stoppard


Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out, now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - he doesn’t have the staff for it, and closes the bar.

Well, that was off-key, but how clef-er! I think I’ve found a snare in his plan. It’s too bad that these joe-ks always fall flat. Didn’t you get my note? I’ve had to scale back - it’ll just take a minuet. This is just a prelude to a repeat offense - the puns are not really my forte. It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute. Can’t you reed? Don’t use that tone with me... I didn’t mean to harp on you about it... pitch the idea to me tomorrow: I like how you conduct your business. This ring cymbalizes so much - we’ll be working in concert with other professionals, but we’ve really got to guitar act together. U have a s-Mahler music knowledge then me, but don’t worry - I’ll be right Bach!

The bartender thought the soprano was a great girl - you should meter some time. Life without music would B flat. Throw a piano down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you a flat minor. The timpani player got hit on the head with a mallet - I think he might have a percussion.

When the bartender turned Forte he had to accept he was no longer a minor. I’d like to C him again, it would B nice to know he’s OK. Don’t worry - he’ll come waltzing back at some irregular time.

Guitarists are high-strung, but lazy guitarists make idle frets. When sidewalks get icy in winter, if you don’t C sharp, you’ll B flat.

Could you repeat that? I can’t Handel it any longer... Do you want to play Haydn seek? It’s time to drum up a new topic - I’m leaving this conversation at a low note...


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23-Jan-2018