Aunt From Desert Storm

End of story morals


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?”

“Stay the heck away from Aunt Judy when she’s been drinking.





QuotaBills
By ancestry, I was born to rule. - Nelson Mandela

Ancestry is a hereditary condition. - Unknown

My family tree could use some pruning. - Unknown

Besmooch the family name in the eyes of the community. - Archie Bunker

The presidency is temporary, but the family is permanent. - Yvonne de Gaulle

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. - Erma Bombeck

Acting is just a way of making a living; the family is life. - Denzel Washington

Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion. - Miguel de Unamuno

There is never a problem child; there is only a problem parent. - A.S. Neill

Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents. - Shannon Fife

I come from an Irish Catholic family, and hell-raising is part of the DNA. - Brian Dennehy

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations. - Oscar Wilde

The meek shall inherit the world, but they'll never increase market share. - William G McGowan

No Chinese Catholics are allowed to worship ancestors in their familial temples. - Pope Clement XI

I believe in moderation. I work on genealogy only on days that end in 'y'. - Richard Thiesen

Southerners are so devoted to genealogy that we see a family tree under every bush. - Florence King

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. - Thomas Paine

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what farmers have been doing all along. - Unknown

Character is better than ancestry, and personal conduct is of more importance than the highest. - Thomas J. Barnardo

There's a lot of baggage that comes along with our family, but it's Louis Vuitton baggage. - Kim Kardashian

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, and I think they force you to watch every James Cagney movie. - Jimmy Fallon

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a family all wrapped up in each other. - Bill Vaughan

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future. - Gail L. Buckley

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf. - Bertrand Russell

Every family story has 1,000 other stories contained within it, like an unending series of nesting dolls. - Alison Pick

Any living cell carries within it the experiences of a billion years of experimentation by its ancestors. - Max Delbrook

If a child, a spouse, a life partner, or a parent depends on you and your income, you need life insurance. - Suze Orman

Family, religion, friendship... these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. - Mr. Burns

There's no environment I can think of that would have remained constant enough to preserve dinosaur DNA. - Hendrik Poinar

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. - Ogden Nash

The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry is like the potato - the best part under ground. - Thomas Overbury

In 1953 there were two ways for an Irish Catholic boy to impress his parents: become a priest or attend Notre Dame. - Phil Donahue

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. - Steven Wright

The practical importance of the preservation of our forests is augmented by their relations to climate, soil and streams. - John Muir

We split from our common ancestor with the octopus half a billion years ago. And yet, you can make friends with an octopus. - Sy Montgomery

Children despise their parents until the age of forty, when they suddenly become just like them, thus preserving the system. - Quentin Crewe

A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell

How shall a man escape from his ancestors, or draw off from his veins the black drop which he drew from his father’s or mother's life? - Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you think that nobility consists of having sixteen ancestors rather than merit, great Prince, then you may - and you may also praise or condemn me. - Franz Grillparzer

Blind dates are treacherous. You don't know who this person is. You wonder, "Should I call my grandma during coffee to get out of this?" - Alan Alda


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22-Aug-2019