Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. - WC Fields
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir. - Thomas Fuller
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea. - Walter Bagehot
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. - Erma Bombeck
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
In the sick room, ten cents' worth of human understanding equals ten dollars' worth of medical science. - Martin H. Fischer
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - WC Fields
Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
There are two ways you can get through pain. You can let it destroy you, or you can use it as fuel to drive you: to dream bigger, to work harder. - Taylor Swift
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
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