Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken
The greatest wealth is health. - Virgil
Laughter is the best medicine. - the Joe-kster
Time is generally the best doctor. - Ovid
Pain will leave you, when you let go. - Jeremy Aldana
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
Through pain I've learned to comfort suffering men. - Virgil
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
A nurse will always give us hope,
an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Suicide doesn't end the pain. It just passes it on to someone else. - James Kirkup
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. - Joan Welsh
You purchase pain with all that joy can give and die of nothing but a rage to live. - Alexander Pope
No, Doctor, I don't want to grow young again. I just want to keep on growing old. - Madame de Rothschild
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
What can be added to the happiness of man who is in health, out of debt, and has a clear conscience? - Adam Smith
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden
The doctor may also learn more about the illness from the way the patient tells the story than from the story itself. - James B. Herrick
The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth. - Unknown
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
A doctor must work eighteen hours a day and seven days a week. If you cannot console yourself to this, get out of the profession. - Martin H. Fischer
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
Help For Dead Children
Miss Beautiful Spine
Breathe in the Ocean
Half Price Car
Chinese Music School
iPhone Nose Charger
Grown Up Yet?
How To Improve New Orleans
Alberta Hood Ornament
Florida Golf Hazard
'Cover Girl' Magazine
Smooth Leaning Shoes
One Glass Per Day