Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Logic is the anatomy of thought. - Albert Einstein
Pain will leave you, when you let go. - Jeremy Aldana
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. - Lord Byron
A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay. - Marcia Carrington
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain. - John Lithgow
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero
If you are too smart to pay the doctor, you had better be too smart to get ill. - African Proverb
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you
known it is healed. - Lyanla Vanzant
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
The public blabbers about preventive medicine, but will neither appreciate nor pay for it. You get paid for what you cure. - Martin H. Fischer
The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth. - Unknown
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain. - Rick Baker
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not. - Mark Twain
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" - Steven Wright
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