Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken
Pain will leave you, when you let go. - Jeremy Aldana
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
If you ignore your health for long enough, it'll go away. - Unknown
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. - Henri Amiel
A nurse will always give us hope,
an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
The worst thing about medicine is that one kind makes another necessary. - Elbert Hubbard
Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies. - P.J. O'Rourke
The great art of life is sensation; to feel that we exist, even in pain. - Lord Byron
In nothing do men more nearly approach the gods than in giving health to men. - Cicero
A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh
Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. - P.J. O'Rourke
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
People don't trust private health insurance companies for all the right reasons. - Bernie Sanders
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what's in it. - Nancy Pelosi
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Cheerfulness is the best promoter of health and is as friendly to the mind as to the body. - Joseph Addison
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship. - Buddha
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient, whilst Mother Nature takes care of the cure. - Voltaire
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
I figure if I have my health, can pay the rent and I have my friends, I call it "content." - Lauren Bacall
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
Even if the doctor does not give you a year ... make one brave push and see what can be accomplished in a week. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown
Sea spaghetti looks like dark fettuccine and has a similar texture - you can get it in health food stores or online. - Yotam Ottolenghi
There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. - O.S. Marden
Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say; sanctity is the state about which theology has nothing to say. - W H Auden
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
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