Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Anatomy is destiny. - Sigmund Freud
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman - Christopher Walken
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
The best doctor gives the least medicines. - Benjamin Franklin
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. - Robert Burton
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. - Kenji Miyazawa
It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch. - Chang Ch'ao
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. - Phyllis Bottome
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea. - Walter Bagehot
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain. - John Lithgow
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. - Henry Ward Beecher
A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents. - Peter Mere Latham
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben
The practice of medicine occurs even in primitive society, but law accompanies civilization. - Saying
My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass. - Leslie Grimutter
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves. - Prince Philip
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood, I'd just type a little faster. - Isaac Asimov
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
There are two ways you can get through pain. You can let it destroy you, or you can use it as fuel to drive you: to dream bigger, to work harder. - Taylor Swift
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You Never Call
Columbia Street Party
Fly By Meal
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