Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali
Where a man feels pain he lays his hand. - Dutch Proverb
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers
Health insurance should be a given for every citizen. - Jesse Ventura
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - WC Fields
The doctor is often more to be feared than the disease. - French Proverb
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea. - Walter Bagehot
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Being in a good frame of mind helps one keep in the picture of health. - Unknown
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles
Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased - thus do we refute entropy. - Spider Robinson
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
A woman doctor is only good for women's problems - like your groinocology - Archie Bunker
This is a sharp medicine, but it is a physician for all diseases and miseries. - Sir Walter Raleigh
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. - Voltaire
You purchase pain with all that joy can give and die of nothing but a rage to live. - Alexander Pope
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. - Pearl S. Buck
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
Medicine, the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. - James Bryce
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind, the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity. - Arthur Schopenhauer
When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When health is lost, something is lost. When character is lost, all is lost. - Rev. Billy Graham
Just like a shoe, if someone is meant for you, they will fit just perfectly. No forcing, no struggling, and no pain. - Unknown
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
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