Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans… another vegetable! It’s the best feel good food around!
[I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie… flour is a veggie! One more thing - when life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt...]
The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Medicine is the best medicine. - Doctors Anonymous
No doctor is better than three. - German Proverb
Pain is temporary; quitting is forever. - Lance Armstrong
God is a concept by which we measure our pain. - John Lennon
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. - Groucho Marx
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
How much pain have cost us the evils that have never happened. - Thomas Jefferson
Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story. - Margiad Evans
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. - Bob Marley
Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits
A smart mother makes often a better diagnosis than a poor doctor. - August Bier
Sleep, riches, and health to be truly enjoyed must be interrupted. - Johann Paul Friedrich Richter
A nurse will always give us hope,
an angel with a stethoscope. - Terri Guillemets
Out of suffering comes creativity. You cannot spell painting without pain. - John Lithgow
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell
Health is like money - we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it. - Josh Billings
The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. - Jonathan Swift
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. - Phyllis Diller
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. - Betsy Salkind
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
The only medicine for suffering, crime, and all the other woes of mankind, is wisdom. - Thomas Huxley
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Having insurance doesn't guarantee good health outcomes, but it is a critical factor. - Irwin Redlener
If you're not paying for it through the health plan, you pay for it in the emergency room. - David Lehman
You might be a nurse if you firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis. - Unknown
A life coach does for the rest of your life what a personal trainer does for your health and fitness. - Elaine MacDonald
Kindness and a generous spirit go a long way. And a sense of humor. It's like medicine - very healing. - Max Irons
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. - George Bernard Shaw
Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. - Julia Child
Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. - Ben Hecht
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth. - Unknown
A doctor who cannot take a good history and a patient who cannot give one are in danger of giving and receiving bad treatment. - Unknown
You end up as you deserve. In old age you must put up with the face, the friends, the health, and the children you have earned. - Fay Weldon
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Do something everyday that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. - Mark Twain
A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine... Soap and water and common sense are the best disinfectants. - William Osler
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