Thanksgiving During Biblical Times

Kumquat Dip, Kentucky Fried Dove & Roasted Camel Hump - yum, yum!

[Ways Thanksgiving might have gone down during Biblical Times...]

7. Terrible chariot jams on the way to Grandma’s house;

6. Young Israelite boys with slingshots shooting at the giant inflatable Caesar balloons which highlight every Phatama’s Thanksgiving day parade (Phatama, a holiday tradition for 60 years);

5. You think 4 days of turkey leftovers get old? Imagine roasting a camel... “Would you like the hump or a leg?”

4. No meal would be complete without an appetizer tray consisting of kumquat dip, those little round sausages that everybody likes but don’t know what they’re called, and Kentucky fried dove;

3. Ahkmed Seltzer, helping heartburn sufferers for 3 score and 7 years;

2. Men bonding after dinner while watching rip roaring gladiator games on TV; and

1. Women suddenly having the urge to go to the Jerusalem manufacturers’ marketplace the next day.


QuotaBills
Religion is the opiate of the masses. - Karl Marx

That Meathead calls me a religious phonetic. - Archie Bunker

Superstition is the religion of feeble minds. - Edmund Burke

The atheist religion don't believe in the bible. - Archie Bunker

No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks. - St. Ambrose

True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess. - Louis Nizer

There is nothing more important than appearing to be religious. - Niccolo Machiavelli

For the man who prays in his heart, the whole world is a church. - Sylvain of Athos

We take for granted the things that we should be giving thanks for. - Unknown

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. - Albert Einstein

Science is a differential equation. Religion is a boundary condition. - Alan Turing

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. - George Bernard Shaw

Give me a couple of pages of the Bible, and I'll give you a picture. - Cecil B. DeMille

Thanks to this man I've gone from over-the-counter to over-the-barrel. - Unknown

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. - Unknown

There is a world of practical religion in simply being considerate of others. - Roger Babson

Italy is the home of art and swindling; home of religion and moral rottenness. - Mark Twain

My favourite characters in the Bible are King David, Delilah and Charlton Heston. - Milton Berle

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. - Phyllis Diller

In this religious order has flourished and is revitalized the order of Knighthood. - Knights Templar

I'm a Catholic deer hunter. I am happy to be clinging to my guns and my religion. - Paul Ryan

I built my church on Easter services, Christmas Eve services, and Norman Vincent Peale. - Robert H. Schuller

The church is close, but the road is icey. The tavern is far, but I will walk carefully. - Russian Proverb

I definitely want my son Brooklyn christened, but I don't know into what religion yet. - David Beckham

I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants. - Carrie Prejean

Religion is like a map. The route isn't important. It's the destination that matters. - Marianne Williamson

I am the indoctrinated child of two lapsed Irish Catholics. Which is to say: I am not religious. - Meghan O'Rourke

Men will wrangle for religion; write for it; fight for it; die for it; anything but live for it. - Charles Caleb Colton

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. - W.T. Purkiser

He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic. - Kingsley Amis

The Bible, if ya read it you'd know. It's right in the beginning there, in the Book of Generous. - Archie Bunker

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the Bible. - Homer Simpson

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain

An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church. - Leo Rosten

The Muslim world is threatened by religious fanaticism. The Western world is threatened by secular fanaticism. - Dennis Prager

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. - Mark Twain

I went to a Catholic boys' school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me. - Keanu Reeves

I find that the nicest and best people generally profess no religion at all, but are ready to like the best men of all religions. - Samuel Butler

Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines. - Bertrand Russell

Every sort of energy and endurance, of courage and capacity for handling life's evils, is set free in those who have religious faith. - William James


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22-Sep-2019