Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
My grandmother made dying her life's work. - Hugh Leonard

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. - Vince Lombardi

Life is "trying things to see if they work". - Ray Bradbury

It can't be epic if there's no challenge to it. - Jennifer E Smith

It is only when I am doing my work that I am truly alive. - Federico Fellini

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. - Richard Bach

When you play, play hard; when you work, don't play at all. - Theodore Roosevelt

Work is the easiest activity man has invented to escape boredom. - Unknown

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me. - Unknown

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. - C S Lewis

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

I have no ambition to govern men; it is a painful and thankless office. - Thomas Jefferson

The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well. - William Osler

Science becomes dangerous only when it imagines that it has reached its goal. - George Bernard Shaw

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. - Albert Giacometti

Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day. - Thornton Wilder

No one has the right to sit down and feel hopeless. There's too much work to do. - Dorothy Day

Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work. - Rita Mae Brown

If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist's office would be full of luminous ideas. - Mason Cooley

If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson

Strength of character may be learned at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. - Henry Drummond

My favorite puzzle is trying to work out the parts myself, after all it is a solo effort. - Adrian Belew

The richest people in the world look for and build networks. Everyone else looks for work. - Robert Kiyosaki

Copy nature and you infringe on the work of our Lord. Interpret nature and you are an artist. - Jacques Lipchitz

Preservation of our environment is not a liberal or conservative challenge, it's common sense. - Ronald Reagan

Which is probably the reason why I work exclusively in black and white... to highlight that contrast. - Leonard Nimoy

As skateboarding evolved, it evolved away from competition. Having a best-trick contest doesn't work. - Rob Dyrdek

Too often, sales reps simply regurgitate their presentations and expect to land the sale. It doesn't work. - Harvey Mackay

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. - Milton Berle

The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score. - Bill Copeland

My goal as a puzzle designer is to create a meaningful experience for the player, not just 'I solved it.' - Scott Kim

If you start by promising what you don't even have yet, you'll lose your desire to work towards getting it. - Paulo Coelho

What politicians want to create is irreversible change because when you leave office someone changes it back again. - Estelle Morris

I do not see how a man can work on the frontiers of physics and write poetry at the same time. They are in opposition. - Paul Dirac

The Brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost

Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work. - Stephen King

Three rules of work: Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. - Albert Einstein

I'd rather work with someone who's good at their job but doesn't like me, than someone who likes me but is a ninny. - Sam Donaldson

Instead of thinking about where you are, think about where you want to be. It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success. - Diana Rankin

If it's green, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it has numbers, it's math. If it doesn't work, it's technology. - Unknown


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22-May-2019