Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
My only career goal is to be a Halloween icon. - Nuno Roque

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. - Aristotle

Goals are the fuel in the furnace of achievement. - Brian Tracy

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. - Vince Lombardi

Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness. - Sigmund Freud

Britain's goal is not to survive, but to prevail. - Winston Churchill

No goal is unattainable with individual determination. - Unknown

It is only when I am doing my work that I am truly alive. - Federico Fellini

Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise. - Ted Turner

Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. - Cyril Northcote Parkinson

Great work is done by people who are not afraid to be great. - Fernando Flores

Your goal should be just out of reach, but not out of sight. - Denis Waitley

Work is the easiest activity man has invented to escape boredom. - Unknown

Hard work has made it easy. That is my secret. That is why I win. - Nadia Comaneci

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. - Will Rogers

Amateurs wait for inspiration. The real pros get up and go to work. - Harvey Mackay

The most important political office is that of the private citizen. - Louis D. Brandeis

The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today. - Elbert Hubbard

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - Confucius

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. - Mark Twain

Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving. - Dennis Waitley

In our progress towards the goal, we ever see more and more enchanting scenery. - Mahatma Gandhi

The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you. - Oscar Wilde

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. - Oscar Wilde

Work hard. Rock hard. Eat hard. Sleep hard. Grow big. Wear glasses if you need 'em. - Webb Wilder

Work for the Lord. The pay isn't much, but the retirement plan is out of this world. - Unknown

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman

I have far too many skeletons in my closet to think about any sort of serious mention of public office. - David Cone

All dentists talk while they work. They have inherited this from their professional ancestors, the barbers. - Mark Twain

Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work in hand. The Sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus. - Alexander Graham Bell

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell

When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal. You do not change your decision to get there. - Zig Ziglar

One of the endearing things about mathematicians is the extent to which they will go to avoid doing any real work. - Matthew Pordage

You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet. - Hal Borland

When you're following your energy and doing what you want all the time, the distinction between work and play dissolves. - Shakti Gawain

I'd rather work with someone who's good at their job but doesn't like me, than someone who likes me but is a ninny. - Sam Donaldson

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer

In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it. - Robert Heinlein

A man who cannot work without his hypodermic needle is a poor doctor. The amount of narcotic you use is inversely proportional to your skill. - Martin H. Fischer

Each one must learn for himself the highest wisdom. It cannot be taught in words. Men who work cannot dream, and wisdom comes to us in dreams. - Smohalla


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23-Oct-2018