Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
I work until beer o'clock. - Stephen King

The days you work are the best days. - Georgia O'Keeffe

It is awfully hard work doing nothing. - Oscar Wilde

A challenge only becomes an obstacle when you bow to it. - Ray Davis

With his work, as with a glove, a man feels the universe. - Tomas Transtromer

Great work is done by people who are not afraid to be great. - Fernando Flores

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me. - Unknown

Talent is no match for hard work, determination, and perseverance. - Unknown

Fools take to themselves the respect that is given to their office. - Aesop

Careful thinking and hard work will solve nearly all your problems. - Ullery

People with goals succeed because they know where they're going. - Earl Nightingale

The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today. - Elbert Hubbard

No good work is ever done while the heart is hot and anxious and fretted. - Olive Schreiner

I love to just work with new people in general. It's always really fun. - Emma Roberts

Forget all the reasons it won't work and believe the one reason that it will. - Unknown

Blessed is he who has found his life's work; let him ask no other blessedness. - Thomas Carlyle

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal. - Henry Ford

A professional is one who does his best work when he feels the least like working. - Frank Lloyd Wright

The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure. - Francoise de Motteville

If you love your job and the people you are working with, you never have to go to work. - Chris Johnson

All of us are guinea pigs in the laboratory of God. Humanity is just a work in progress. - Tennessee Williams

Strength of character may be learned at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. - Henry Drummond

Children are not a distraction for more important work. They are the most important work. - C S Lewis

Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you can be fierce and original in your work. - Gustave Flaubert

There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. - Gen. Colin L. Powell

Reporter: "How many people work at the Vatican?"
Pope John XXIII: "About half." - Pope John XXIII

All dentists talk while they work. They have inherited this from their professional ancestors, the barbers. - Mark Twain

I do not see how a man can work on the frontiers of physics and write poetry at the same time. They are in opposition. - Paul Dirac

To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living. - Frederic Amiel

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. - George Carlin

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers! - Homer Simpson

For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work. - Doug Larson

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you want to accomplish something in the world, idealism is not enough - you need to choose a method that works to achieve the goal. - Richard Stallman

The joy of surfing is so many things combined, from the physical exertion of it, to the challenge of it, to the mental side of the sport. - Kelly Slater

A sense of duty is useful in work but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not to be endured with patient resignation. - Bertrand Russell

The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit. - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Ego stops you from getting things done and getting people to work with you. That's why I firmly believe that ego and success are not compatible. - Harvey Mackay

Good intentions aren't enough. People have good intentions when they set a goal to do something, but then they miss a deadline or other milestone. - Harvey Mackay


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23-Apr-2018