Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Work to ride and ride to work. - Unknown

Work is much more fun than fun. - Noel Coward

Be true to your work, your word, and your friend. - Henry David Thoreau

Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair. - Edmund Burke

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. - Steve Jobs

Britain's goal is not to survive, but to prevail. - Winston Churchill

Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work. - Bette Davis

It can't be epic if there's no challenge to it. - Jennifer E Smith

A work of art which did not begin in emotion is not art. - Paul Cezanne

Get in touch with your passion and put it to work at work. - Marilyn Suttle

If Plan A didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters! - Unknown

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. - Richard Bach

Exhibit pride in your work and humility in your accomplishments. - Unknown

Fools take to themselves the respect that is given to their office. - Aesop

Amateurs wait for inspiration. The real pros get up and go to work. - Harvey Mackay

It doesn't work to leap a twenty-foot chasm in two ten-foot jumps. - Proverb

Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives. - Viktor Frankl

The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well. - William Osler

The way to make a film is to begin with an earthquake and work up to a climax. - Cecil B. DeMille

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. - Albert Giacometti

Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day. - Thornton Wilder

Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment. - Dale Carnegie

Personally, I'm against political jokes. Too often they get elected to office. - Henny Youngman

When you work the buttons here, see, it develops what ya call the digitalis skills. - Archie Bunker

I have been all things unholy; if God can work through me, He can work through anyone. - St Francis of Assisi

Work hard. Rock hard. Eat hard. Sleep hard. Grow big. Wear glasses if you need 'em. - Webb Wilder

The highest reward for your work is not what you get for it, but what you become by it. - John C Maxwell

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. - Robert Frost

Strength of character may be learned at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. - Henry Drummond

Get a good idea and stay with it. Dog it, and work at it until it's done, and done right. - Walt Disney

I don't like work - no man does - but I like what is in the work - the chance to find yourself. - Joseph Conrad

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. - Zig Ziglar

Decide what you want, what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work. - HL Hunt

Work like you don't need the money, dance like no one is watching, and love like you've never been hurt. - Mark Twain

I don't get off on romantic parts. But I often think if I had had my dental work done early on, well, maybe. - Morgan Freeman

Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work. - Stephen King

The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are right. - Mark Twain

If you're interested in 'balancing' work and pleasure, stop trying to balance them. Instead make your work more pleasurable. - Donald Trump

Instead of thinking about where you are, think about where you want to be. It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success. - Diana Rankin

When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal. - Napoleon Hill


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22-Oct-2019