Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Rejection is a challenge. - Veronica Purcell

Work to ride and ride to work. - Unknown

Work is the curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde

Incentives are what get people to work harder. - Nikita Khruschev

Spring work is going on with joyful enthusiasm. - John Muir

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. - Aristotle

It's a poor rule that won't work both ways. - Frederick Douglass

Arriving at one goal is the starting point to another. - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it. - Mark Twain

When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. - Unknown

Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job. - Jim Rohn

Cessation of work is not accompanied by cessation of expenses. - Cato the Elder

I know love at first sight can work. It happened to my parents. - George Clooney

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. - Will Rogers

People with goals succeed because they know where they're going. - Earl Nightingale

It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed. - Sid Caesar

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan

Housework is work directly opposed to the possibility of human self-actualization. - Ann Oakley

I believe in moderation. I work on genealogy only on days that end in 'y'. - Richard Thiesen

Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it. - Henry David Thoreau

To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable. - Edgar Bronfman

All of us are guinea pigs in the laboratory of God. Humanity is just a work in progress. - Tennessee Williams

Your goals are the road maps that guide you and show you what is possible for your life. - Les Brown

You need a plan to build a house. To build a life, it is even more important to have a plan or goal. - Zig Ziglar

There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. - Gen. Colin L. Powell

I have far too many skeletons in my closet to think about any sort of serious mention of public office. - David Cone

My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all. - Stephen Hawking

I'm a farm boy. If we need five people to haul in hay, we don't take one and just work them to death. - Lincoln Davis

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. - Emo Philips

What's a good investment? Go home from work early and spend the afternoon throwing a ball around with your son. - Ben Stein

Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work. - Stephen King

The worst disease which can afflict executives in their work is not, as popularly supposed, alcoholism; it's egotism. - Robert Frost

The biggest thing separating people from their artistic ambitions is not a lack of talent. It's the lack of a deadline. - Chris Baty

If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of them would reach for goals that have meaning for them as individuals. - Lillian Carter

Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing. - William Arthur Ward

The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste or eaten within twenty-four hours. - Lady Hasluck

If you want to accomplish something in the world, idealism is not enough - you need to choose a method that works to achieve the goal. - Richard Stallman

If you're interested in 'balancing' work and pleasure, stop trying to balance them. Instead make your work more pleasurable. - Donald Trump


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16-Jul-2019