Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
The work praises the man. - Irish Proverb

Work is much more fun than fun. - Noel Coward

Work hard, play hard, change the world. - Amazon.com Motto

Problems are only opportunities in work clothes. - Henry J Kaiser

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. - Vince Lombardi

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. - Steven Wright

If God can work through me, he can work through anyone. - Saint Francis of Assisi

When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt. - Henry J. Kaiser

Hard work is the best remedy for all of life's trials. - Unknown

Deliberation is the work of many men. Action, of one alone. - Charles de Gaulle

The key to success? Work hard, stay focused and marry a Kennedy. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

From each according to his ability, to each according to his work - Claude de Rouvroy

Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. - Will Rogers

Communism is like prohibition - it's a good idea but it won't work. - Will Rogers

After I make a lot of money, I'll be able to afford running for office. - Christy Romano

Science becomes dangerous only when it imagines that it has reached its goal. - George Bernard Shaw

One of my goals in life is to have the biggest residential pool on the planet. - Drake

A goal casually set and lightly taken is freely abandoned at the first obstacle. - Zig Ziglar

Mail your packages early, so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas. - Johnny Carson

Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions. - Mark Twain

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. - Jay Leno

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not. - Elias Root Beadle

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost

To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable. - Edgar Bronfman

Life, in all ranks and situations, is an outward occupation, an actual and active work. - W. Humboldt

The best work that anybody ever writes is the work that is on the verge of embarrassing him, always. - Arthur Miller

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day. - Mickey Rooney

Nighttime is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep. - Catherine O'Hara

Becoming a star may not be in your destiny, but being the best that you can be is a goal you can set for yourselves. - Bryan Lindsay

It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work. - Frank Zappa

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them. - Henry David Thoreau

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

Here's good advice for practice: go into partnership with nature; she does more than half the work and asks none of the fee. - Martin H. Fischer

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. - George Carlin

The road to success is not easy to navigate, but with hard work, drive and passion, it's possible to achieve the American dream. - Tommy Hilfiger

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene

Ego stops you from getting things done and getting people to work with you. That's why I firmly believe that ego and success are not compatible. - Harvey Mackay

I'm always tinkering with something - suddenly I'll think I can work with wood, but then I'll realize I can't, so I go back to sewing. - Melissa McCarthy


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19-Jul-2018