Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Work is much more fun than fun. - Noel Coward

Give me a man who sings at his work. - Thomas Carlyle

If you want peace, you must work for justice. - Pope Paul VI

Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair. - Edmund Burke

It can't be epic if there's no challenge to it. - Jennifer E Smith

It is only when I am doing my work that I am truly alive. - Federico Fellini

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. - Pearl Bailey

Work before pleasure - for there is no real pleasure without work. - Unknown

Careful thinking and hard work will solve nearly all your problems. - Ullery

There is no prejudice that the work of art does not finally overcome. - Andre Gide

Man - a creature created at the end of a work week when God was tired. - Mark Twain

The way to make a film is to begin with an earthquake and work up to a climax. - Cecil B. DeMille

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working. - Albert Giacometti

A goal casually set and lightly taken is freely abandoned at the first obstacle. - Zig Ziglar

Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work. - Peter F Drucker

Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day. - Thornton Wilder

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy. - Jay Leno

I have been all things unholy; if God can work through me, He can work through anyone. - St Francis of Assisi

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. - Steven Wright

I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

A first-rate laboratory is one in which mediocre scientists can produce outstanding work. - Patrick M.S. Blackett

Children are not a distraction for more important work. They are the most important work. - C S Lewis

A work is perfectly finished only when nothing can be added to it and nothing taken away. - Joseph Joubert

I believe that visualization is one of the most powerful means of achieving personal goals. - Harvey Mackay

Stop setting goals. Goals are pure fantasy unless you have a specific plan to achieve them. - Stephen Covey

The surest way to establish your credit is to work yourself into the position of not needing any. - Maurice Switzer

In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia. - Unknown

Sometimes you have to work hard for what you want. Sometimes, hard work is what makes it precious. - Ute Carbone

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work. - Geoffrey Norman

Decide what you want, what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work. - HL Hunt

One machine can do the work of a hundred ordinary men, but no machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard

Every person I work with knows something better than me. My job is to listen long enough to find it and use it. - Jack Nichols

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. - George Carlin

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you are bored with life, if you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don't have enough goals. - Lou Holtz

Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year. I have a strict rule: I don't work on Halloween and I won't travel on Halloween. - Simon Sinek

Give your subconscious a chance to work by turning your brain off from time to time. Don't focus on work or solving problems constantly. - Harvey Mackay

When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal. - Napoleon Hill


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26-Mar-2019