Office Sarcasm or Rules For My Boss?

Re-learning the challenge of a deadline


To all of my fellow office workers...

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay such high taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money, anyway.


QuotaBills
Nothing will work unless you do. - Maya Angelou

One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb

The modern work of art is a symbol. - Herbert Read

When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. - Unknown

It is only when I am doing my work that I am truly alive. - Federico Fellini

Deliberation is the work of many men. Action, of one alone. - Charles de Gaulle

Work is the easiest activity man has invented to escape boredom. - Unknown

Amateurs wait for inspiration. The real pros get up and go to work. - Harvey Mackay

People with goals succeed because they know where they're going. - Earl Nightingale

There is one higher office than president and I would call that patriot. - Gary Hart

Failures do what is tension relieving, while winners do what is goal achieving. - Dennis Waitley

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh

Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work. - Peter F Drucker

Housework is work directly opposed to the possibility of human self-actualization. - Ann Oakley

A professional is one who does his best work when he feels the least like working. - Frank Lloyd Wright

If you want to have more, you have to become more. You have to grow into your goals. - Jim Rohn

Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work. - Rita Mae Brown

I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers

Strength of character may be learned at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. - Henry Drummond

Never work just for money or power. They won't save your soul or help you sleep at night. - Marian Wright Edelman

Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal. - Pamela Vaull Starr

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. - Zig Ziglar

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play and to look up at the stars. - Henry van Dyke

It's useless to hold a person to anything he says when he's in love, drunk or running for office. - Shirley Maclaine

All dentists talk while they work. They have inherited this from their professional ancestors, the barbers. - Mark Twain

My goal as a puzzle designer is to create a meaningful experience for the player, not just 'I solved it.' - Scott Kim

One of the endearing things about mathematicians is the extent to which they will go to avoid doing any real work. - Matthew Pordage

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben

When you're following your energy and doing what you want all the time, the distinction between work and play dissolves. - Shakti Gawain

Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you’ll find is that you can overcome anything. - Unknown

People who work in an environment where doing their best is recognized have a better chance of feeling good about their work. - Marilyn Suttle

Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; and third, common sense. - Thomas Edison

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you're interested in 'balancing' work and pleasure, stop trying to balance them. Instead make your work more pleasurable. - Donald Trump

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate. - Graham Greene

If Obama resigns from office NOW, thereby doing a great service to the country, I will give him free lifetime golf at any one of my courses. - Donald Trump

Each one must learn for himself the highest wisdom. It cannot be taught in words. Men who work cannot dream, and wisdom comes to us in dreams. - Smohalla

Lincolnshire is the Idaho of England. You were either going to drive a tractor for the rest of your life or head for the city to work in a factory. - Bernie Taupin

Fraud in business is no different from infidelity in marriage or plagiarism in scholarly work. Even people committed to high moral standards succumb. - Miroslav Volf


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20-Jan-2018