Red Skelton Quotes
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I take my wife everywhere - but she keeps finding her way back.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

see also   Language,  Phrase,  Quote  &  Television   Sections

Doing his best to clean up the neighbourhood
Painted Fence
Bubba's playground ingredients: 2 lawn chairs, 1 board, 1 bucket
Redneck Teeter Totter
Sage advice from Indian Chief 'Two Eagles'
Where White Man Went Wrong
Latest Word Search Puzzle: Retro Cross #14
Word Search Puzzles
Anakin Skywalker has more than a Dark Side
Darth Vader Models
Luxury is complementary in this dog shelter
Now That's A Dog House
How to beat a speeding ticket in Australia
Speeding Excuse
Obama sends water filtration system to New Orleans
Waterfall Windows
Passenger installation that is SWMBO compatible
New Car GPS
24 days in the life of a hummingbird
Hummingbird Nest - From Nest to Flyaway
Closing out Shark Week with a final catch of the week
Shark Week Theme Song
Spawn weird product warnings
Outrageous Lawsuits
Who'll clean up this mess?
Aisle Cleanup
Next time someone complains about their standard of living...
African Flip Flops
Frustration with learning German
Why Germans Don't Play Scrabble
When time goes out the window
Window Sundial
Let the summer games begin in Finland
Beer Floating
Full list of creditsFacebookTwitterDiggStumbleUponDelicious

Voted #1 Humor Site

26-Jul-2014

QR Code

G'Oldies

Dream Houses from Aroun ...
Power Line Road
Cohan Bird
Star Wars Day
Segway Stroller
Pillsbury Doughboy Dead ...
What's That Smell?
The Honey Truck
Useless Statistics
Duct Tape Wall Bed
Titanic's Non-Romantic ...
Mother's Day Gift - Not
State Mental Choir
Leaping Lizards!
Computer Barbecue
Juvenile Storage
Pool Painters
Surround Sound for Babi ...
Monk's Fish And Chip St ...
Amish Mechanical Proble ...
Driveway With A View
New Airforce One Plane
Best Bike Lock
Norvegian Humour
Chinese Dog
Cheap House Siding
Present Grief
Tongue Twister
Extension Cord Lamp
Death By Chocolate
'First' Class Puns
StripTeas
Church Squirrels
Back-To-Work Mondays
PMS
How To Spot A Rich Guy
Engagement Rings for En ...
Cat Got Your Tongue?
Aussie Toilet Paper
Fast Closure
Spiderman's Car
Obama's Stimulus Progra ...
PARfect Golf
Denmark Traffic Signals
President Bills
Blonde Pole Dancer
Prayer Request for Bob
A Woman Named Five Hors ...