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Red Skelton Quotes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language? One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
Somewhere I haven't been in a long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I take my wife everywhere - but she keeps finding her way back.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me,
In the lake.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said,
There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down! So I bought her an electric chair.

She ran after the garbage truck yelling,
Am I too late for the garbage? The driver said, No, jump in!

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked,
What's on the TV? I said, Dust!

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.