1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption and that you don’t “HAVE” them - you “PITCH” them.
2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc. make up “a mess” (as in “a mess” of greens).
3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is - as in: “Going
to town, be back directly.” (generally pronounced dreckly)
5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl on the middle of the table.
6. All true Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl
of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also
know to add a large banana puddin’).
8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and
“a right far
(pronounced “fur”) piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1
mile or 20.
9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a
redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
11. A true Southerner knows that “fixin’” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb. (As in, I was fixin to go over to BettyLou’s. Or, we had a huge
Christmas dinner with all the fixins. Or, are you fixin my car next?).
12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term “booger” can be a resident of the
nose, a descriptive, as in “that ol’ booger,” a first name, or something that
jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don’t do
“queues”, we do “lines,” and when we’re IN, not ON, line we talk to everybody!
14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re
related, even if only by marriage.
15. True Southerners never refer to only one person as “y’all”... more than
three is way more than one, it’s “all y’all”.
16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food We recognize milk gravy when we see it,
know what to do with it and wonder what the heck you other people eat on your
18. When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19. Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates
it contains sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened “Sweet
milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
20. And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart” and go
your own way.
Let 'Er Rip
Redneck In Training
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