A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a
boy forever.
A fool and her money are soon courted.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A good many women are good tempered simply because it saves the wrinkles
coming too soon.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
A man’s got to do what a man’s go to do; a woman must do what he can’t.
A man has to be called Attila The Hun to be called ruthless; all a woman has to
do is put you on hold.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
A man’s home may seem to be his castle on the outside; on the inside, it’s more
often his nursery.
A sense of humour does not mean you tell him joe-ks; it means you laugh at his.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend; a
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A successful parent is one who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay
for her or his own psychoanalysis.
A woman can look both moral and exciting – if she also looks as if it was
quite a struggle.
A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far.
A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her
in hot water.
A woman past forty should make up her mind to be young, not her face.
A woman who will tell her age will tell anything.
A woman’s place is in the House and in the Senate.
A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl
makes everybody sick.
After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose
your rest home.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have… the older she gets, the
more interested he is in her.
As you climb the ladder of success, don’t let the boys look up your dress.
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.
Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you
said; after marriage he will fall asleep before you have finished saying it.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Behind every successful woman is a basket of dirty laundry.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he’s too old for it.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.
Boys will be boys, but girls will be women.
Brevity – the soul of lingerie.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical
times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk
before it stops snowing.
The cock may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the eggs.
Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.
Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.
The difference between government bonds and men is that government bonds
mature.
Don’t be afraid that your life will end. Be afraid that it will never begin.
Don’t be humble – you’re not that great.
Don’t get your knickers in a knot; nothing is solved and it just makes you
walk funny.
Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.
Don’t let ol’ folks tell you about the good ol’ days. I was there. Where was
they at?
The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during
dinner parties.
The English think of an opinion as something which a decent person, if he has
the misfortune to have one, does all he can to hide.
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like
expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards
and in high heels.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day; Teach him how to fish and you get
rid of him for the whole weekend.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
God will protect us, but to make sure, carry a heavy club.
Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
He talked and talked because he didn’t know what to say.
He who laughs, lasts.
How could I possibly overthrow the government when I can’t even keep my dog
down?
Husbands are awkward things to deal with… even keeping them in hot water will
not make them tender.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.
I believe in loyalty: when a woman reaches a certain age she likes, she
should stick with it.
I buried a lot of ironing in the backyard.
I can sometimes deal with men as equals and therefore can afford to like
them.
I can’t mate in captivity.
I do not refer to myself as a ‘housewife’ for the reason that I did not marry a
house.
I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.
I don’t have the time every day to put on makeup – I need that time to clean
my rifle.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
I go for two kinds of men: the kind with muscles, and the kind without.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later
you have to start all over again.
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch
where it itches.
I have often relied on the blindness of strangers.
I like men to behave like men – strong and childish.
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
I love the male body – it’s better designed than the male mind.
I never go out unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want
to see the girl next door, go next door. Joan Crawford
I never know how much of what I say is true.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to
complain.
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs - I think of them as stray eyebrows.
I rely on my personality for birth control.
I require 3 things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.
I think being a woman is like being Irish… everyone says you’re important and
nice but you take second place all the time.
I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget.
I think, therefore I’m single.
I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all
the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don’t want to
do them.
I want to find myself before somebody bigger does.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me
she was in labour for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good
for 36 hours.
I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.
The idea of strictly minding our own business is rubbish – who could be so
selfish?
I’d like to grow very old as slowly as possible.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him chequebooks.
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
If I had learned to type, I never would have made brigadier general.
If it wasn’t for women, men would still be hanging from trees.
If men run the world, why do they wear neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.
If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they put all of them there?
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us we’d be millionaires.
If you can keep your head about you when all about you are losing theirs, it’s
just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.
If you don’t act as if your name were on the door, it never will be.
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
I’m a marvelous housekeeper – every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
I’m extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.
I’m furious about Women’s Libbers. They keep getting up on soapboxes and
proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That’s true, but it should be kept
very quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
I’m having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife.
I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body.
I’m like old wine… they don’t bring me out very often, but I’m well
preserved.
I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde joe-ks because I know I’m not dumb… and
I also know that I’m not blonde. Dolly Parton
I’m the foe of moderation, the champion of excess… I’d rather be strongly
wrong than weakly right.
I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep – what’s
deep enough? What do you want – an adorable pancreas?
It’s interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most
anti-feminist institutions (the Church and the Law Court), the men are wearing
the dresses.
The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to
cry, I think of my sex life; If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life.
In love with her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done,
ask a woman.
In times of great stress, such as a four-day vacation, the thin veneer of
family unity wears off almost at once, and we are revealed in our true
personalities.
Instant gratification takes too long.
Is sexual harassment at work a problem for the self-employed?
It’s a man’s world, and you men can have it.
It’s like magic… when you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are
gone!
It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
It’s not easy being a mother… if it were easy, fathers would do it.
It’s not how old you are, but how you are old.
It’s not the having, it’s the getting.
It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.
It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another – it’s one damn thing
over and over.
It’s the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time.
I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 876
pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better.
I’ve often wished I’d had time to cultivate modesty… but I’m too busy thinking
about myself.
Just being in a room with myself is almost more stimulation than I can bear.
Just remember – we’re all in this alone.
Lead me not into temptation… I can find the way myself.
Life is easier than you think… all that is necessary is to accept the
impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.
Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.
Life’s a rash, and then there’s death and the itching’s over.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a
higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Toronto.
Love is a fire… you can never tell whether it is going to warm your hearth or
burn down your house.
Love never dies of starvation, but often of indigestion.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can
be trained to do most things.
Macho does not prove mucho.
Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.
Marriage: the beginning and the end are wonderful… but the middle part is
hell.
Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of a bargain.
Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution…
Marriage is the only thing that affords a woman the pleasure of company and
the prefect sensation of solitude at the same time.
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in
a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go
with everything else in the house.
Meeting: A place where you take minutes but waste lots of hours.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them
apart.
Men are creatures with eight hands.
Men are not opposed to women working, just against their being paid for it.
Men weren’t really the enemy – they were fellow victims suffering from an
outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when
there were no bears to kill.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Money isn’t everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen.
The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my
kids.
Moses dragged us for 40 years through the desert to bring us to the one place in
the Middle East where there was no oil.
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in
biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s 97
now and we don’t know where she is.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child… we can’t
decide whether to ruin the carpet or ruin our lives.
My husband and I have figured out a really god system about the housework:
neither one of us does it.
My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors.
My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I
procrastinate. I said, “Just wait.”
My mother said it was simple to keep a man: you must be a maid in the living
room; a cook in the kitchen; and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the
other two and take care of the bedroom bit.
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip – there’s no end to the
game.
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working,
honest Canadians. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity.
But then… we elected them.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.
Not all women give most of their waking thoughts to the problem of pleasing
men… some are married.
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
Old age is life’s parody.
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm… once you are aboard there is
nothing you can do.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
One reason I don’t drink is I want to know when I’m having a good time.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
The only thing I like about rich people is their money.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
The opposite of talking isn’t listening; the opposite of talking is waiting.
People who are always making allowances for themselves soon go bankrupt.
People would have more leisure time if it weren’t for all the leisure-time
activities that use it up.
Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns how to be amused rather than
shocked.
Personally, I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married.
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.
Powerful men often succeed through the help of their wives. Powerful women only
succeed in spite of their husbands.
The real menace in dealing with a 5-year-old is that in no time at all you
begin to sound like a 5-year-old.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll
grow out of it.
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble
to put makeup on two faces.
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you
will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
Salary is no object… I want only enough to keep body and soul apart.
Science may carry us to Mars, but it will leave the earth populated as ever
by the inept.
Self-esteem isn’t everything; it’s just that there’s nothing without it.
Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
She didn’t know it couldn’t be done so she went ahead and did it.
She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.
Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man.
Some minds remain open long enough for the truth not only to enter but to
pass on through by way of a ready exit without pausing anywhere along the route.
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
Speak up for yourself, or you’ll end up a rug.
Success didn’t spoil me – I’ve always been insufferable.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If
they are okay, then it’s you.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to buy them a
drink.
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each
other.
The surest way to be alone is to get married.
There are far too many men in politics and not enough elsewhere.
There are no old people nowadays – they are either “wonderful for their age”
or dead.
There are three ways to get something done: (1) do it yourself; (2) employ
someone; or (3) forbid your children to do it.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do
and not doing it.
There is so little difference between husbands, you might as well keep the
first.
They say getting thin is the best revenge… Success is much better.
They say women talk too much. If you have worked with politicians you know
that the filibuster was invented by men.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly… it should be thrown with
great force.
To be satisfied with little is hard; to be satisfied with a lot, impossible.
To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
The tombstone is the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at
the same time.
The trouble with most English women is that they will dress as if they had
been a mouse in a previous incarnation.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and
then marry him.
Trust your husband – adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your
name.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Unfortunately, sometimes people don’t hear you until you scream.
Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or
what freedom really is.
Violet will be a good colour for hair at just about the same time that
brunette becomes a good colour for flowers.
We had a lot in common – I loved him and he loved him.
We thought we were running away from the grown-ups, and now we are the
grown-ups.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.
What you think is the heart may well be another organ.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good…
luckily, this is not difficult.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the
inattention of one.
When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn’t she behave like a nice man?
When faced with a decision, I always ask, “What would be the most fun?”
When fate’s got it in for you, there’s no limit to what you may have to put
up with.
When he’s late for dinner, I know he must be either having an affair or lying
dead in the street. I always hope it’s the street.
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping; Men invade another
country.
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
When you have no problems, you’re dead.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, “Is this the man I want my children to spend
their weekends with?”
Whenever one of us falls in love, our friends watch as they would the
progress of a disease.
Whenever you see food beautifully arranged on a plate, you know someone’s
fingers have been all over it.
While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster.
Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
Who ever thought up the word mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think
I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and mail it to someone.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same
enemy – the mother.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you
thirty cents?
Woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have
trouble with it.
Women and elephants never forget.
Women are in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines – they don’t
think we can fight. I think we can – all the general has to do is walk over to
the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms.”
Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort,
independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t
run.
Women who aspire to be as good as men lack ambition.
The women who do the most work get the least money, and the women who have
the most money do the least work.
Years ago, fairy tales began with “Once upon a time…” Now they all begin
with “If I am elected.”
You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.
You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
see also
Feminist & New Years Sections
 Double Rainbow |
 Sunday Paper |
 Nahtzee |
 I Can Still Kiss You |
Church Dinner |
 59 Chev Boat |
 Urgent World War I Message |
 An Iceberg Floated Into Town |
 Walk Sign Timing |
 Family Hands |
 Chocolate Bed |
 Crocodile Floor |
 Texas 911 |
 Walk Sign Ending |
 Mower Handle Extender |
 Dentist Waiting Room |
 Ice Bell |
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