Cash Cow Companies
Fortune 500 American Corporations for Rednecks

An American Corporation
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. The other sues sheepherders, claiming that the immigrant Belgian Sheep are carrying Mad Cow Disease (even though no sheep have ever caught it) and that they should be detained and destroyed by a Secret Dairy Tribunal set up by the FDA.

A French Corporation
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. The cows go on strike to keep out American hormone-fed milk and launch a stampede through a McDonalds franchise at Euro-Disney. The French Cow Liberation Front hacks into the Cheddar website with images of Roquefort and WAV files declaring “Vive la France!”

A Japanese Corporation
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A German Corporation
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Extropian Corporation
You have two cows. You read their DNA and figure out a way to create lean beef directly in a vat. You upload your cows. You debate endlessly on what to do with the originals cows, which are still alive and well, and are demanding bovine rights.

A British Corporation
You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Italian Corporation
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

An Indian Corporation
You have two cows. You worship them.

A Chinese Corporation
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

An Israeli Corporation
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become Doctors. So, who needs people?

An Arkansas Corporation
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Ah, you left out that one got elected Senator and the other likes to wear Berets, play hide the cigar, and came out with her own line of handbags.

Enron
You have two cows. You form 24 subsidiaries to manage the cows 24 hours a day, with options to buy rights to the other cow-hours. One subsidiary buys out all the others, increasing its herd by 24 times. You then sell cow stock based on the business model of doing this every day for a year. At the end of the year, you have sold accounting rights to 24^365 cows. Then you shred the original two cows.

A Polish Corporation
You have two cows. Each one is worried that the other one might get a better milk output, so she keeps kicking the other one’s milk pail. All milk goes to waste. And then the farmer asks them to screw in lightbulbs, ’cause he doesn’t know how.

An Australian Corporation
You have one cow that swam ashore. You can’t be certain that it is not infected with plague, so you place it in a razor-wire-fenced detention center. Another cow swims ashore but you are starting to suspect that these are not cows but rabbits, so you send it to a distant Pacific island. The number of cows (or possibly rabbits) arriving at shore drops drastically and your board gets reappointed with a bonus.

A Senegalese Corporation
You have 5 cows, they’re healthy and produce x amounts of milk/month. Soon there are 10 cows, then 20, then 30. When the number reaches 40, suddenly 38 cows literally disappear. Some Senegalese breeders accuse Mauritanians. The Mauritanians say they’re innocent. Some fight starts, and someone dies. The story gets told and retold by the press. People’s fears and angers are being played with. A few hundreds Mauritanians get slaughtered in broad daylight (decapitations and emasculations and the whole shabang...), their shops and businesses are vandalized, burned. State of emergency is declared in Senegal. In the meantime, everybody forgets about the cows....

A Swedish Corporation
You have two cows, so you demand government support for struggling small farmers. While struggling against all the other small farmers for the government support (arguing that not only is your company providing at least two jobs for cows in a rural area, but also that since they are female you are also promoting equality) you don’t have the time to get the massive EU grant for corporations with two cows.

A Canadian Corporation
You have two cows, but only need the milk from one. So you sell one cow to an American company, who markets its product as being “pure Canadian milk.”That American corporation prospers thanks to its “pure Canadian” marketing campaign. Meanwhile, you continue to sell the milk from your one cow at the same price in the same way. Canadian media finds out about the original “cow to America” transaction and creates a major story throughout Canada about how the big, greedy, successful American corporations prey on the ma and pa corporations North of the border. Influenced by the media, you file an unsuccessful lawsuit towards the American corporation. Upon the failure of the lawsuit, the Canadian media once again complains about the big, greedy American corporations.Three months later, you decide you don’t like the cow farming business anyhow, so you sell your remaining cow to the same American corporation that bought the first cow, and go into the ping-pong ball manufacturing business.

Cows.com
You own two cows, so you send a business plan to 20 venture capital firms about how you can make money by giving away milk and selling ad space on the cartons. As the venture capital runs out, you issue an IPO based on your projections that your research team will develop new milking technology any day now. When your milking engineers tell you that they can’t get any more milk from a cow by working 60-hour weeks, you offer them more stock options if they’ll work 80-hour weeks solving the problem. The good engineers, who might actually have solved the problem, all work until their options vest, then retire, leaving you with junior engineers whose options all become wallpaper in another year when the company collapses and liquidates all its cows to a traditional dairy farm started by one of the old engineers.


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Two Cow Capitalism
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19-Apr-2019