[You all know about the Darwin Awards. It’s an annual honor given to the
person who did the “gene pool” the most service by killing themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over onto him as he was attempting to tip
a free soda out of it… And the nominees this year are…]
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a cheap way to get drunk, because he was
short of money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, upon
ingesting this concoction it made him ill, and he immediately vomited into an
open fireplace in his house, which had a small wood fire burning in it. The
resulting explosion burned his house down, killing both him and his sister;
8. Police report that a 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home had died of suffocation. He was approximately 6’ 2“ tall and weighed 225
pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes,
and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to dress up in a schoolgirl’s
uniform. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister
removed, and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approximately 12“ long and 3“ in diameter.
For reasons not determined the other end of the tube had been inserted into his
rectum. This was found to be the direct cause of his suffocation. Police found
the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very
awkward;
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to “moon” the occupants
of the other plane, but they lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles;
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. Details provided was that
someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon entry the officer
found the man lying naked, face down on the couch. When she rolled him over to
check for a pulse, and to start CPR, she noticed he had burn marks around his
genitals. After the ambulance removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival
at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch. They noted
that the man had made a space between the cushions and he a small hole in the
base of the couch. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused
his death. Apparently, the man had put his penis down through the hole and
between two electrical oscillating sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for
obvious reasons). Their report stated that after his orgasm the discharge sperm
had shorted out one of the sanders and electrocuted him;
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing
herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not normal qualify for a
Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver’s attention had been
distracted by her electronic “Tamagotchi” key ring, which had started urgently
beeping for food while she drove along the highway. In an attempt to press the
correct buttons to save the “Tamagotchi’s” life, the woman lost her own;
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to
use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle
at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators believe Barcia was alone, because his car was
found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was appreciably
greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground.” Police say the
apparent cause of death was as a result of “Major trauma”;
3. A man in Alabama died from a rattlesnake bite. It seems that he and a friend
were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no
doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was also hospitalized, but recovered;
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
natural gas. Sensibly, the management promptly evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, 2 technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found that they were having difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses, from a building overlooking the 2 technicians, later described that
they had seen one of the technicians reaching into his pocket to retrieve an
object which resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of the building up to
a mile away. Nothing was found of the technicians. The lighter was found
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the
blast was described as “not too bright” by his peers;
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried
to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once
again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix. Sanchez managed to straddle the
ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of
his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine while Sanchez’s
scrotum was in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed beyond his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his
perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a
foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and it
turned out that the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped
open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever, remaining
in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened beyond
recovery as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating
machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that
he had just purchased from the pro shop, and he was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, and the remaining
threesome were asked to leave the course.
[NB: This last one wouldn’t normally count for a Darwin award, because the
idiot didn’t die. But because he is no longer able to reproduce, as a result of
his qualifying act of stupidity, this incident has been allowed…]
POST-NOTE Correction - False List
... click here for the complete list of Darwin Awards
see also
Dubm & Emergency Sections
2004 Darwin Awards
2005 Darwin Awards
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