[Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes
including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year…]
1. Alan Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20-inch long
vibrator. Mrs. Mijtus had had enough of her husband’s strange sex practices and
one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches
of the vibrator into Alan’s anus until it ruptured several internal organs and
caused severe bleeding;
2. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road.
She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go
to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her
birthday cake;
3. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, whom he
had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha. Stone felt that if she
couldn’t have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison
tablets into her father’s coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip
and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the
judge felt she didn’t realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her
mother using the same method one month later;
4. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted
to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with double-barreled
shotgun. Charla’s (the girlfriends’) father had given it to her an hour before
the date started, just in case;
5. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his
rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a
toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr. Halos paid his
rent;
6. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly
down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The
troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40
of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one
of the troopers stated in his report;
7. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she
talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial;
8. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period
of 3 months Harold substituted Helena’s eye shadow with a Uranium composite that
was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she
suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a
doctor’s surgery or hospital for a check up;
9. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her
car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was
driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful
as the Oklahoma Bombing. Several persons heard the explosion some up to 14
kilometers away. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a
55-meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road;
10. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of
a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F4 phantom
jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty
block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the
local sheriff’s officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr.
Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this
he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole
situation. What Winter didn’t know was that he had changed the position of the
engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of
5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the
driveway;
11. Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a
Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost
catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read
Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis
then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later
Berry was deceased;
12. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a
disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents’ passed
away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument
Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas
taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a
lighter and a note saying, “Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian.”
Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.
see also
Police & Prison
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