Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work
Work Poop is inevitable...
[We've all kicked back in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...]
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential ‘TURD BURGLAR’s that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a
stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential ‘TURD
BURGLAR’s Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces
the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the ‘WALK OF SHAME’
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an ESCAPEE do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making joe-ks or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
FREQUENT FLYER
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other
pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a ‘FREQUENT FLYER.’ People may become suspicious if they
catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using CAMO-COUGH an ASTAIRE.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
OUT OF THE CLOSET
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an ‘OUT
OF THE CLOSET’ pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his
or her arm. Always look around the office for the ‘OUT OF THE CLOSET’ pooer
before entering the bathroom.
POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of ‘OUT OF
THE CLOSET’ pooers, and identify ‘SAFE HAVENS’.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can
occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
‘TURD BURGLAR’ leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it’s best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of the ‘COURTESY FLUSH’.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion.
See CAMO-COUGH.