Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
One doctor makes work for another. - English Proverb
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. - Benjamin Franklin
Nurses are the hospitality of the hospital. - Carrie Latet
Panic plays no part in the training of a nurse. - Elizabeth Kenny
Never invest emergency savings in the stock market. - Suze Orman
Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor. - Graffito
No man is a good doctor who has never been sick himself. - Chinese Proverb
A doctor whose breath smells has no right to medical opinion. - Martin H. Fischer
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett
Confucius say: "Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient." - Unknown
Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. - Natalie Goldberg
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the Doctor's book. - Irish Proverb
Financial ruin from medical bills is almost exclusively an American disease. - Roul Turley
A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier's office. - Francis O'Walsh
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. - Rodney Dangerfield
First the Doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin
People pay the doctor for his trouble; for his kindness they still remain in his debt. - Seneca
The practice of medicine is a thinker's job, the practice of surgery a plumber's. - Martin H. Fischer
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn't go to medical school and I'll show you a lawyer. - Milton Berle
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
I wonder why you can always read a Doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription. - Finley Peter Dunne
Constant attention by a good nurse may be just as important as a major operation by a surgeon. - Dag Hammarskjold
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription. - Finley Peter Dunne
When you’re a nurse you know that every day you will touch a life or a life will touch yours. - Unknown
One of the tests of leadership is the ability to recognize a problem before it becomes an emergency. - Arnold H. Glasow
The only equipment lack in the modern hospital? Somebody to meet you at the entrance with a handshake! - Martin H. Fischer
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. - Mark Twain
The road to medical knowledge is through the pathological museum and not through an apothecary's shop. - William Withey Gull
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. - Bob Hope
The trained nurse has become one of the great blessings of humanity, taking a place beside the physician and the priest. - William Osler
The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to know. - Will Rogers
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. - Milton Berle
Only one rule in medical ethics need concern you: that action on your part which best conserves the interest of your patient. - Martin H. Fischer
I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. They couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Let no one suppose that the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact that they are employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - George Carlin
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic. - Bill Maher
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