A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A leopard can’t change his spots any more than a Z-car its racing stripes.
About as hard as tryin’ to herd chickens.
About as much fun as a warm bucket of calf slobber.
About as sexy as socks on a billy goat.
About as useful as buttons on a dishrag.
Ain’t no point in beatin’ a dead horse - ’course, can’t hurt none either.
Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing.
Anyone can fly. It’s the landing that will get you.
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
As scarce as hens’ teeth.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
Beatin’ a dead horse don’t make it taste better.
Big hat, no cattle.
Boy, I’ll smack you so hard your kids’ll come out behavin’.
Busier than a cat tryin’ to cover crap on a marble floor.
Busier than a one-armed man in a fistfight.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral.
Busier than a stump full of ants.
Busier than a tick on a cat’s back.
Busier than ants at a picnic.
Colder than a mother-in-law’s love.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory.
Cute as a sackful o’ puppies.
Cuter than a little ol’ ball of cotton rollin’ under a barbed-wire fence.
Does a fat dog fart?
Don’t corner somethin’ that you know is meaner than you.
Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Don’t make me open up a can o’ whup ass!
Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.
Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.
Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Drivin’ a Dodge truck is like doin’ a fat gal: ya ain’t real proud of it, but it works.
Dubmer than a bag of hammers.
Dubmer than a box of dirt.
Dubmer than a box of rocks.
Even a dog knows the difference between being stumbled over and kicked.
Every path has a few puddles.
Faster than a jackrabbit on moonshine.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Finer than a frog’s hair.
Flashy as a rat with a gold tooth.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Go for the ugly early and you’ll never go home alone.
Good Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.
Gooder than snuff and ain’t half as dusty.
Happier than a june bug on a tomato plant.
Happier than a pig in shit.
Happier than a possum in the corncrib with the dog tied up.
Happier than a puppy with two peters.
Hard sayin’ not knowin’.
He ain’t exactly settin’ the woods on fire.
He ain’t got the sense to lead a blind goose to shit.
He ain’t the brightest crayon in the box.
He ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.
He couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.
He couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bucket of rice.
He couldn’t hit a ten-point buck with a twelve-gauge one yard in front of him.
He couldn’t hit his own ass with directions and a map.
He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.
He couldn’t hit water if he was standin’ on a boat.
He don’t know “come here” from “sic ’em.”
He let his alligator mouth get ahead of his hummingbird ass.
He looks like the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.
He looks like three pounds of ugly in a two-pound sack.
He ran like a scalded dog.
He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin’.
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.
He was so confused he didn’t know his ass from his elbow.
He went through that like Sherman went through Georgia.
He’d steal the bridle off a nightmare.
Her ass looked like two pigs in a gunnysack.
Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.
Her cookin’s so bad you couldn’t poke a fork through the gravy.
Her teeth are like stars - they come out at night.
He’s a beer short of a six-pack.
He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
He’s all hat and no cattle.
He’s as country as cornflakes.
He’s as happy as a fat guy at the buffet.
He’s as useful as a tit on a boar hog.
He’s crazier than a shithouse fly.
He’s deaf in one ear and can’t hear out of the other.
He’s duller than a three-watt light bulb in a power outage.
He’s got all the smarts God gave a duck’s ass.
He’s got the furniture disease: his chest done fell into his drawers.
He’s just like a catfish: all mouth and no ass.
He’s madder than a puffed toad.
He’s shiverin’ like a dog tyrin’ to shit a peach seed.
He’s so dubm he couldn’t find his ass with both hands.
He’s so dubm he couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.
He’s so lazy he calls the dog in to see if it’s rainin’.
He’s the kind of guy who’ll put a rattlesnake in your pocket and ask you for a light.
He’s kind of like a billy goat: hard head and stinkin’ ass.
He’s more confused than a turtle on the center stripe.
He’s ridin’ a gravy train on biscuit wheels.
He’s scratched up worse than a blind berry picker.
He’s so bucktoothed he could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
He’s so cross-eyed he can stand on the front porch and count chickens in the backyard.
He’s so dubm he couldn’t get into college with a crowbar.
He’s so dubm he couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the C and the T.
He’s so dubm he thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.
He’s so dubm they had to burn down the school just to get him out of third grade.
He’s uglier than my granddaddy’s beer belly at a redneck wedding.
Hiss ass must be hungry - it’s tryin’ to eat his pants.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hotter than a road lizard walking up a hill backwards carryin’ a bucket of feed.
Hotter than a three-balled tomcat.
How’s business - good enough for cork wine?
I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m better once than I ever was.
I ain’t goin’ no higher than corn and no lower than taters.
I ain’t no Barbie, but I ain’t big enough to eat hay.
I ain’t scared of nothin’ but spiders and dry counties.
I can tell you a thing or two ’bout a thing or two.
I couldn’t get nailed in a wood workshop.
I don’t play - I quit school ’cause of recess.
I feel like I got eat by a bear and shit off a cliff.
I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.
I got a bad case of the zacklies: my mouth tastes zackly like my butt smells.
I got more things to do than a dog with fleas.
I smell what you’re steppin’ in.
I was as mad as a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy pond.
If at first you don’t succeed, use duct tape.
If brains was cotton you wouldn’t have enough to Kotex a flea.
If brains was lard you couldn’t grease too big a wheel.
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn’t have enough to blow her nose.
If I was any better, I’d have to be twins.
If you buy that, you might as well shove your money up a wolf’s ass and watch him run over the hill.
If you can’t hang with the big dogs, stay your puppy ass on the porch.
If you can’t race it or take it to bed, you don’t need it.
If you keep stealin’ our farmland, we’ll all be eatin’ Chinese.
I’ll skin you like a Georgia catfish.
I’m busier than a borrowed mule.
I’m gonna get it done if it harelips every cow in Texas.
I’m happy as a jackass in a briar patch.
I’m just a squirrel in the world trying to get a nut.
I’m out like a fat kid in dodgeball.
I’m prouder of that than a hound pup is his first flea.
I’m sorry, but my tongue got in front of my eyetooth and I couldn’t see what I was saying.
Is that your head or did your neck throw up?
It ain’t braggin’ if you can back it up.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
If he ran up your ass with track shoes on, you’d know where he’s at.
If you fell into a pond, you could skim off ugly for a week.
If you’re gonna be stupid you better be tough.
I’ll hit you so hard your whole family will hurt!
I’ll knock a knot on your head so tall you’ll have to climb a ladder to comb your hair.
I’m as dry as a nun’s nasty.
I’m as hungry as a tick on a turnip.
I’m doing as little as possible and the easy ones twice.
I’m gonna put a knot in your head the Boy Scouts can’t get out.
I’m gonna slap you like a red-headed stepchild.
I’m just hangin’ out like a hair in a biscuit.
I’m madder than a deaf person trying to play bingo, get bingo, and holler out bingo.
I’m so hungry I could eat the north end of a cow going’ south.
I’m so hungry my backbone is snappin’ at my belt buckle.
I’m so mad I could just fall out of my pants.
I’m so poor I can’t pay attention.
Is a frog’s ass watertight?
It must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake like that.
It smelled worse than a dead skunk that just crawled out of another dead skunk’s ass.
It takes a whole lotta liquor to like ’er.
It’s colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.
It’s colder than a well digger’s ass in Idaho.
It’s colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra doin’ push-ups in the snow.
It’s colder than a witch’s titty on a winter day on the shady side of the mountain.
It’s gonna be a frog choker.
It’s hard to fly with the eagles when you run around with the turkeys.
It’s harder than trying to stick a wet noodle in a wildcat’s ass.
It’s hotter than a goat’s ass in a pepper patch.
It’s hotter than a two-dollar pistol.
It’s hotter than a Wal-Mart parking lot in August.
It’s hotter than forty acres of burnin’ stumps.
It’s hotter than Georgia asphalt.
It’s hotter than hell and half of Georgia.
It’s hotter than the Devil’s underarm.
It’s kind a like puttin’ gas in a car that you’ve already wrecked.
It’s not what it’s worth, it’s what it’ll bring.
It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
It’s so hot I seen a coyote chasin’ a jackrabbit, and they’s both walkin’.
It’s so hot you could sweat 150 pounds of fat off a 125-pound hog.
It’s wipe-your-ass-with-a-snow-cone hot.
Just because a chicken has wings doesn’t mean it can fly.
Just call me butter ’cause I’m on a roll.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a bit in it.
Let’s be off like a herd of turtles.
Let’s put some lipstick on this pig!
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
Like a garlic milkshake: smooth, yet strong.
Like findin’ a feather on a frog.
Loopy as a cross-eyed cowpoke’s lariat.
Lower than an ankle bracelet on a flat-footed pigmy.
Mad as a box of frogs.
Madder than a legless Ethiopian watchin’ a donut roll down a hill.
Madder than a long-tail cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.
Madder than an Amish electrician.
Marriage is an expensive way for a man to get his laundry done for free.
Mean as the alligator when the pond went dry.
Meaner than an old wet hen.
Meanness don’t just happen overnight.
More fun than a sackful of kittens and a lump hammer.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.
Nervous as a bear caught with his head in the hive.
Never get into a wrestlin’ match with a pig. You’re both gonna get muddy, and chances are, the pig likes it.
Never get into an argument with an idiot - you’ll just lower yourself to their level and they’ll beat you with experience.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal. It just ain’t helpful.
Never try to teach a pig how to dance. You’ll waste your time and just annoy the pig.
No matter what you do to a skunk, it still stinks.
Nuttier than a five-pound fruitcake.
Nuttier than a port-o-potty at a peanut festival.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd.
Only thing alive at that house with all its teeth is the termites.
Plumb eat up with the dubm-ass.
Prettier than a speckled pup under a wagon with his tongue hangin’ out.
Prettier than a wall full of boogers in the men’s bathroom.
Puttin’ her brain in a matchbox would be like a BB rollin’ around in a boxcar.
Quick as a politician’s promise.
Quieter than a mouse peeing on cotton.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Richer than three feet up a bull’s ass.
Runs just like a candle.
Sadder than a fat girl with no boobs.
Sex with her is like throwin’ a hot dog down a hallway.
She didn’t get a round mouth by eatin’ square meals.
She had a butt like a forty-dollar mule.
She looks like her face caught fire and somebody put it out with an ice pick.
She looks like she got hit in the face with a sackful of bent nickels.
She looks like she got hit in the face with rock salt.
She looks like she was rode rough and put away wet.
She was so dubm that she thought GrapeNuts was a venereal disease and Peter Pan was a hospital utensil.
She’d sooner climb a tree to tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
She’s a carpenter’s dream: flat as a board and ain’t never been nailed.
She’s a taco shy of a combination plate.
She’s about as pretty as a speckled pup’s butt.
She’s as pretty as a new set of snow tires.
She’s as wild as a peach orchard boar.
She’s been takin’ them “noassatall pills.”
She’s built like a brick shithouse.
She’s cuter than pig nipples.
She’s dubm as a brick.
She’s got her nose stuck up so high in the air she’d drown if it rained.
She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth.
She’s like a twelve-pound bass: you don’t know whether to eat her or mount her.
She’s limber as a dishrag.
She’s purtier than a mess of fried catfish.
She’s so fat, if somebody told her to “haul ass,” she’d have to make two trips.
She’s uglier than a mud fence.
She’s so ugly she could stop a bucket of snot in mid-air.
She’s so ugly she could scare a rat off a chessecake.
She’s so ugly she could stop a clock.
She’s so ugly she’d knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
She’s so ugly she looks like she plays goalie for a dart team.
She’s so ugly she looks like she ran a forty-yard dash in a thirty-yard gym.
She’s so ugly we had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
She was so ugly she looked like her face caught fire and someone beat it out with a track shoe.
She’s wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister’s wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
Slower than a herd of turtles stampedin’ through peanut butter.
Smaller than a skeeter peter.
Smilin’ like a possum eatin’ fish.
So good it’ll make your tongue jump out and lick the eyebrows right off your head.
Sober as a judge.
Sometimes I think that girl is as dubm as a cat tryin’ to look pretty in the middle of a dog festival.
Son, you’re so low that when you die you’re gonna have to rise up to find hell.
Spit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster.
Strong as bear’s breath.
Strong as train smoke.
Stronger than ten acres of garlic.
Subtle as an unflushed toilet.
Swat my hind with a melon rind.
Tall enough to stand flat-footed and kiss a giraffe.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
That adhesive’s so good, it’d hold a bad marriage together.
That ain’t worth the powder to blow it to hell.
That boy ain’t got the sense to wipe hisself when he’s done.
That boy ain’t smart enough to pound sand in a rat hole.
That boy don’t know sheep shit from arbuckly coffee.
That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.
That boy is nine dimes short of a dollar.
That boy smells so bad, he could drive a hungry dog off a meat wagon.
That boy’s dumber than a stick of wood.
That boy’s so dubm he took a duck to a chicken fight.
That dog won’t hunt.
That fella is thick in the middle and poor on both ends.
That fits tighter than socks on a rooster.
That food is so good it makes your tongue beat a hole in the roof of your mouth and slap your brain.
That food tastes so good it makes you wanna slap your grandma.
That girl is as ugly as homemade soap.
That goes through more batteries than a lonely fat girl on a Saturday night.
That guy’s got more guts than a man can hang on a fence.
That guy’s harder to catch than my wife’s boyfriend.
That kid is nuttier than a pecan pie.
That makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
That man don’t have the brains God graced a bale of hay.
That piano player’s fingers are slipperier than sausage on a griddle.
That room’s so small you can’t cuss a cat without getting’ a mouthful of fur.
That tastes so good, if you put it on your head, your tongue would slap your face tryin’ to get to it.
That’ll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.
That’s about as ugly as Uncle Bubba’s divorce.
That’s about as much fun as a bad case of scours.
That’s how the cow ate the cabbage.
That’s like findin’ a diamond in a billy goat’s ass.
That’s like wipin’ before ya poop. It don’t make no sense.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
The cheese done slid off’n that boy’s cracker!
The engine’s runnin’ but ain’t nobody driving.
The only thing fair is the hair on a Norwegian albino’s butt.
The only thing we got to fear is a public toilet seat.
Their trailer was so bad, there was roaches big enough to stand flat-footed and screw a turkey buzzard.
There’s more ways to choke a dog than feeding him peanut butter.
They ate supper before they said grace.
Thicker than the hair on a rabbit’s back.
Thinner than a gnat’s scrotum stretched over a fifty-five-gallon drum.
This ain’t my first rodeo.
This knife is so dull it wouldn’t cut hot butter.
This stuff will put a freeze on your face that won’t quit.
Tighter than a bull’s ass during fly season.
Tighter than a rat’s ass in a keyhole.
Tighter than a skeeter’s ass in a nosedive.
Tighter than bark on a tree.
Tighter than a tick.
Tighter than Dick’s hatband.
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Tougher than a two-dollar steak.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won’t stay milked.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don’t eat.
Uglier than a bucket full of armpits.
Ugly as three miles of mud road.
We service what we sell, ’cause what we sell needs service.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
Well, don’t that just beat all ya ever stepped in.
Well, throw me between an axle housing and frame and call me shocked!
We’re tradin’ daylight for dark.
We’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet.
When you find yourself in a hole - quit diggin’.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Whiter than a hound dog’s tooth.
Women are like tiles: you lay ’em right the first time, they let you walk all over ’em for life.
Women have to be more beautiful than smart, ’cause men see better than they think.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered - not yelled.
Wound up tighter than a two-dollar watch.
You can catch more flies with honey, but who wants flies?
You can put a coat and tie on a turd but it’s still gonna be a turd.
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn’t make them biscuits.
You can’t polish a turd.
You can’t unsay a cruel word.
You catch more flies with jam than you do with vinegar.
You don’t know your ass from apple butter.
You got a can o’ whup ass? Bring it over ’cause I have the can opener.
You got to be 10 percent smarter than the equipment you’re runnin’.
You lie like a cheap rug.
You lie like a tombstone.
You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
You must have fell from an ugly tree and hit every branch coming down.
You plant a tater, you get a tater.
You’d mess up a wet dream.
You’re as handy as a cow on crutches.
You’re as smart as you are good lookin’, and that ain’t sayin’ much.
You’re as useful as a ball in a square dance.
You’re finer ’n frog hair split eight ways.
You’re gonna catch nine shades of hell.
You’re slower than molasses on a cold day.
You’re worse that a pet raccoon - can’t keep your hands off anything.
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