Credits & Honourable  Mention - Part 2 ...
Credits & Honourable  Mention - Part 1

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”   Einstein
“The secret to creativity is knowing how to appreciate your sources.”   Joe-kster

joe-ks.com

License Plate Submissions

 

Math Puzzle Submissions
from those who have solved the Math Puzzle

1. Tommy Rose, Broadway, North Carolina, U.S.A.
2. Steve Doppler, Evergreen, Colorado, U.S.A.
3. Michael Doppler, Evergreen, Colorado, U.S.A.
4. John Blair, Kentucky, U.S.A.
5. Kirk Lowry, Hurst, Texas, U.S.A.
6. Daan Beijer, Ottawa, Canada
7. Irvin Kauffman, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.
8. Beverley Jenkinson, Simcoe, Ontario, Canada
9. James W. West, Manchester, Tennessee, U.S.A.
10. Michael Nass, Thun, Switzerland
11. Phil 'Bruiser' Bullock, U.S.A.
12. Jim Spurlock, Frisco, Texas, U.S.A.
13. Erika Schlebusch, Thun, Switzerland
14. Stephanie Bowen, Scituate, Massachusetts, U.S.A.
15. Andrew Pirie, Black Point, Nova Scotia, Canada
16. Jim Serritella, Laytonsville, Maryland, U.S.A.
17. Marion Waggener, Hermiston, Oregon, U.S.A.
18. Leonard Genova, Scottsdale, Arizona, U.S.A.
19. Gilberto Charpentier, Prague, Czech Republic
20. Paulette Roth, Alberta, Canada
21. Ivannia Charpentier, Cartago, Costa Rica
22. Alan King, Gravesend, United Kingdom
23. Katie Hodges, Akron, Ohio, U.S.A.
24. Mike Kings, Monticello, Florida, U.S.A.
25. Cory Huber, Alliance, Nebraska, U.S.A.
26. Branko Petreski, Skopje, Macedonia
27. Andrew Banner, Telford, United Kingdom
28. Jeff Brown, Indiana, U.S.A.
29. David W. Gray, Norwalk, Iowa, U.S.A.
30. Ginger Velazquez, Fate, Texas, U.S.A.
31. Wynne Phillips, Kidwelly, Wales, United Kingdom
32. Steve Radford, Billericay, Essex, England
33. Tim Johnson, Rushden, United Kingdom
34. Gareth Adams, Glasgow, United Kingdom
35. Wyatt Earp, Kent, England
36. JC Norton, Nelson, B.C., Canada
37. Mike Sageloff, Wichita Falls, Texas, U.S.A.
38. Ernie Gera, Virginia, U.S.A.
39. Ingi Björnsson, Stockholm, Sweden
40. Mike Thompson, Trenton, Tennessee, U.S.A.
41. Vern Wall, Yuma, Arizona, U.S.A.
42. Donnie Hazle, Arlington, Texas, U.S.A.
43. Jake Plugers, Welland, Ontario, Canada
44. Robert Moore, Canton, North Carolina, U.S.A.
45. William Malcolm Thomas, Summerland, B.C., Canada
46. Roger Myers, Larned, Kansas, U.S.A.
47. Mary Broughton, Yonkers, New York, U.S.A.
48. Jean Moore, Canton, North Carolina, U.S.A.
49. Jess Sullivan, New Iberia, Louisiana, U.S.A.
50. Robert J. Zahradnik, Wharton, Texas, U.S.A.
51. Jerry Davis, Peachland, B.C., Canada
52. Joe Felix, Cincinnati, Ohio, U.S.A.
53. Dan Guenter, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
54. Andre Fabri, Richmond, B.C., Canada
55. Mike Swihart, Westland, Michigan, U.S.A.
56. Judy Fruth, Coon Rapids, Minnesota, U.S.A.
57. Nathan Hall, Saginaw, Michigan, U.S.A.
58. Rachel Stockton, Nether Langwith, England
59. Alex Barbu, Columbus, Ohio, U.S.A.
60. Sajjan Sureka, Bhubaneswar, India
61. Earl A. Lemings, Haysville, Kansas, U.S.A.
62. Viktor Kostic, Srbija
63. Paul Wilson, New Zealand
64. Rose Hall, Texas, U.S.A.
65. Thomas Boucher, Alpharetta, Georgia, U.S.A.
66. Mohamed Ayman Mohamed, Cairo, Egypt
67. Val Vasilev, Woburn, Massachusetts, U.S.A.
68. Joel Finnell, Etowah, Tennessee, U.S.A.
69. Amr Idrees, Khartoum, Sudan
70. Huzefa Reshamwala, Dubai, United Arab Emirates
71. John Mathews, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
72. Bob Bash, Lesotho
73. Guyot Jean-Maxime, Paris, France
74. Gunnar M. Kennedy, Terrigal, NSW Australia
75. Victor Ubando, Marikina City, Philippines
76. James Smith, New York, U.S.A.
77. Dan Nagle, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.
78. Nic Mertes, Rochester, New York, U.S.A.
79. Maria Holt, Belleville, Illinois, U.S.A.
80. Peter Kirchgessner, Mainz, Germany
81. Lava Raj Timsina, Biratnagar, Nepal
82. Jim McNamara, Hatfield, Massachusetts, U.S.A.
83. Ashley Phillips, Cape St. George, Newfoundland, Canada
84. Jason “Phaux” Ness, Escanaba, Michigan, U.S.A.
85. Stephen Ness, Bozeman, Montana, U.S.A.
86. Freeman Wattam, Deseronto, Ontario, Canada
87. Tina Braeuer, Berlin, Germany
88. Ricardo Flores, Houston, Texas, U.S.A.
89. Thomas Aho, Dubendorf, Switzerland
90. Vesela Popova, Sofia, Bulgaria
91. Donald C. Doute, Lima, Ohio, U.S.A.
92. Benny Jonsson, Sweden
93. Michael Emmerik, Holland
94. Paschal Mutegaya, Bukoba, Tanzania
95. Ding Pangan, Manila, Philippines
96. Anmol Sharma, Jalandhar, Punjab, India
97. Abhinav Sood, Jalandhar, Punjab, India
98. Chandni Verma, Jalandhar, Punjab, India
99. Milanjot Singh, Jalandhar, Punjab, India
100. Al Hunt, Prince Albert, Saskatchewan
101. John Smith, Leavenworth, Washington, U.S.A.
102. Mark Hurwit, Santa Cruz, California, U.S.A.
103. Tammera Gunning, Irving, Texas, U.S.A.
104. Jumal Khan, San Jose, California, U.S.A.
105. Tobey Maningat, Manila, Philippines
106. Truong Khang Phuc, Vietnam
107. Carsten Eiberg, Horsholm, Denmark
108. Noemi Colonia, Manila, Philippines
109. Vladimir Pinjuh, Vienna, Austria
110. Sam McClellan, Monroe, Louisiana, U.S.A.
111. John Curry, Reno, Nevada, U.S.A.
112. Scott Kim, Paramus, New Jersey, U.S.A.
113. Wayne Tulli, Grantville, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.
114. Sergio Emir Wiguna, Jakarta, Indonesia
115. Pablo Quintana, Buenos Aires, Argentina
116. Liwei Chen, Tampa, Florida, U.S.A.
117. Izmir Tolga, Istanbul, Turkey
118. Melek Sirin Tolga, Istanbul, Turkey
119. Devin Murphy, Houston, Texas, U.S.A.
120. Arif H. Khan, Dhaka, Bangladesh
121. Indrajit Ganguly, Kolkata, India
122. Ajith Kumar, Kerala, India
123. Dave Hoyland, Nottingham, United Kingdom
124. Elsa Carpenter-Frank, South Africa
125. Jack (John) Mozena, Kentucky, United States
126. Sendthilvel Balakrishnan, Pune, India
127. Andrew Harman, Saanichton, B.C., Canada
128. Ari Rylief, Semarang, Indonesia
129. John Whiting, Rindge, New Hampshire, U.S.A.
130. Mohammad Khasawneh, Jordan
131. Marg Jones, River John, Nova Scotia, Canada
132. Ian Ward, Adelaide, Australia


Phrase, Cliché & Expression Additions/Corrections

1. "Jig Is Up, the":  Thanks to Wilbur R. Johnson, Redwood City, California, for an alternative origin.

2. "Cock and Bull Story":  Thanks to Dave Evans, Nanjing, Jiangsu Province, China for a much better "Cock and Bull" alternative origin - goes well with all the bull around this site!

3
.
"On cloud 9":  Thanks to Phil Sawyer for his detailed background for someone who is 'On cloud 9', without a care in the world - sounds like the Joe-kster going on another 'Too Weak' Promo Tour!

4
.
"In the doghouse"Jim Younger sends us a brakeman's explanation for this familiar expression!

5A
.
"Sleep tight"Brian Morrill questions the origin of "Sleep tight" as referring to beds in children's stories - a misleading metaphor - in excellent detail!

5B. "Sleep tight":  Thanks to Patrick Thrush's alternative, derived from the Settlement Era of the Westward Expansion - also in excellent detail!

6
.
"Wrong end of the stick"Robert Day sends the Roman origin for this phrase, dating from the days of communal toilets... visions of someone deep in conversation not looking at the stick being passed to them - a real bum deal!

7
.
"Pot calling the kettle black"Elli Coates brings to our attention this phrase - used to to criticize someone even though you do it, like being a hypocrite!

8
.
"Zigged when he should have zagged" Sarit Segal sends us his idea of the origin of this phrase: "Origin: 'catch 22' - military airplane accident: they flew in a structure and he crashed because he zigged when he should have zagged."

9
.
"A little bird told me" "'I am a grade 9 music teacher and one of my students suggested the following: The phrase "a little bird told me" could have come from Pope Gregory's alleged dictation of the chant melodies from a dove that landed on his shoulder." - from Ed Adams (teacher) & Nicholas Patterson, Newfield High School, Selden, New York.

10
.
"By hook or by crook" "Origin: Relating to old forest laws of England, the sole right of common people to enter the forests without permission was for the removal of dead
wood from the ground or dead branches of the trees, in other words, as could be brought down by the use of the reaper's hook or a shepherd's crook.
" - from
Katie Cutie.
Other phrases from Katie:
"Achilles' heel", "In the bag", "Kangaroo court", "To feather one's nest", & "To knock (or beat) the tar out of".

11
.
"To know beans" "Meaning: Usually used in the negative: one who doesn't know beans is appallingly ignorant or is wholly unacquainted with the subject under discussion.

Origin: Perhaps arose from some dispute over the cowpea, which, despite the name, is more nearly related to the bean than to the pea and which is often called either the black-eyed bean or the black-eyed pea. Perhaps came from Boston, where it would be a mark of the sheerest ignorance not to know that Boston baked beans, to be fit to eat, must be made of that variety of small white bean known as "pea bean." Perhaps arose from the British phrase, "to know how many beans make five" - a silly saying that probably got started several centuries ago by having children learn to count using beans. When a child got far enough advanced to know how many beans made five, he was very intelligent and well informed.
" - from
Katie Cutie.

12
.
"Full as a tick" "Full of food, stuffed, ready to pop." - from Barry Barnes.

13
.
"Get your dander up" "Donder op!" in Dutch means: Get out of here! or Hop it! Of course we only say this after we burst into a sudden rage." - from Idske Mulder.

14
.
"Happy as a clam" "A hand-held clam rake at the end of a pole is used to rake up clams from the mud and sand. They look something like a heavy-duty garden rake. I am an old clam digger from the south shore of Long Island, New York." - from Tom Romalewski.

15A
.
"Scape goat" "This expression is based on a genetic defect that has now been purposely bred into some goats that we now call "fainting goats." The ones today are "collectible" pets for people who enjoy seeing them fall over when they are frightened. The genetic defect is in their fight or flight gene, which causes them to stiffen when they need to run. But shepherds and farmers, who recognized this as a defect, would keep one per herd for this purpose: When a predator like a wolf would threaten the flock, the rest would run off while the defective goat would fall over and get eaten, allowing the others a chance to Escape. Thus the Escape Goat or Scape Goat takes the fall." - from Di Oakley.

15B. "Scape goat" "Scape goat is a Biblical reference from Leviticus 16:8-10 and refers to taking the blame for someone else; the scape goat symbolically bearing the sins of Israel and sent into the wilderness. And Aaron shall cast lots upon the two goats; one lot for the LORD, and the other lot for the scapegoat. And Aaron shall bring the goat upon which the LORD's lot fell, and offer him for a sin offering. But the goat, on which the lot fell to be the scapegoat, shall be presented alive before the LORD, to make an atonement with him, and to let him go for a scapegoat into the wilderness." - from Jeff Paynter.

16
.
"Well you're not missing much" "Nothing to look at, nothing to really know, nothing great, kind of worthless." - from Gloria Knee.

17
.
"The Fifth Beatle" "The Fifth Beatle moniker was not given to Brian Epstein by Murray the K, though Epstein is always in the list of deserving honorees (along with Pete Best, George Martin, and even Billy Preston, the only musician ever given individual credit on a Beatles disk). It was Murray who was dubbed the Fifth Beatle by George Harrison on the train ride from New York to the band's first concert in Washington D.C. Murray was the last in line as the group made its way through the train cars, and a cop tried to stop him from following. Harrison turned as said, "It's alright. He's the fifth Beatle." - from Peter Altschuler.

18
.
"In like Flynn" "It's much more likely the origin comes from the 1888 poem by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, "Casey at the Bat." Flynn, as the poem goes, was hugging third when Casey came to bat. It was a sure thing that he would be in - although the poem ends with Casey striking out." - from Eric Ode.

1
9.
"Axe To Grind" "Axes were a commonplace weapon for soldiers, many centuries ago, and a man seen to be grinding the blade of his axe, demonstrated in the most visible way possible that he was cruising for some aggro....If a man had an axe to grind, it meant he had a resentment he was intending to manifest quite openly....he was spoiling - and preparing - for a fight, in no uncertain terms!" - from Alex Parker.

20
.
"Watched Pot Never Boils" "While living in England, it was explained to me that tea should always be made with hot, but not boiling, water. One needed to pay close attention to the pot in order to heat it without boiling. This of course makes the meaning closer to "a stitch in time saves nine," a warning to take particular care with something." - from Carla Laureano.


21
.
"In A Nutshell" "The Iliad in a nutshell. Pliny tells us that Cicero asserts that the whole Iliad was written on a piece of parchment which might be put into a nutshell. Lalanne describes, in his Curiosités Bibliographiques, an edition of Rochefoucault's Maxims, published by Didot in 1829, on pages one inch square, each page containing 26 lines, and each line 44 letters. Charles Toppan, of New York, engraved on a plate one-eighth of an inch square 12,000 letters. The Iliad contains 501,930 letters, and would therefore occupy 42 such plates engraved on both sides. Huet has proved by experiment that a parchment 27 by 21 centimčtres would contain the entire Iliad, and such a parchment would go into a common-sized nut; but Mr. Toppan's engraving would get the whole Iliad into half that size. George P. Marsh says, in his Lectures, he has seen the entire Arabic Koran in a parchment roll four inches wide and half an inch in diameter. (See ILIAD.)  To lie in a nutshell. To be explained in a few words; to be capable of easy solution." - from From E. Cobham Brewer 1810–1897. Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. 1898, as requested by Norma Phillips.

22. "Pot Calling The Kettle Black" "The pot calling the kettle black: Said of someone accusing another of faults similar to those committed by the accuser. The allusion is to the old household in which the copper kettle would be kept polished, while the iron pot would remain black. The kettle's bright side would reflect the pot. The pot, seeing its reflection, would thus see black, which would appear to be on the side of the kettle. The pot could then accuse the kettle of a fault it did not have." - Source: Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, 1870, revised by Adrian Room (Millennium Edition). - thanks to Jan Heirtzler.

23. "Bull Terrier vs. Porcupine: Quill He Make It?" "Really funny but this is NOT a pitbull. We are dealing with misrepresentation in Breed Specific legislation all the time, and while I totally value the humour of your site (if we can't laugh we may as well be dead) the Bull Terrier owners of the
world would really appreciate it if you could re-label your picture?
"Bull Terrier vs Porcupine: Quill he make it?"
Bull Terrier is the name of this breed.... it is very far removed from the pitbulls. I actually know the person that owns this poor dog (bitch) and am happy to say with the help of a LOT of antibiotics - she made it through OK.
"
- Source: How Bull Terriers Look Like In New Zealand. - thanks to Heidi Holland.

24. "It's a long road without a turn" "Be kind to others or before too long they will have an opportunity to pay you back for your injustice." - thanks to Fred Pepper, Hamilton, Ontario.

25. "Don't poke the bear" "Don't annoy someone who's already irritated; try not to aggravate someone who's easily angered."  "Man up" "To accept responsibility; to take ownership; to gather your courage." - from Pamela Walker, Head Keeper of The Zoo Crew, Matthews, NC, USA

26. "Tilting at windmills" "The phrase "Tilting at windmills" or "battling windmills" comes from the book "Don Quixote de la Mancha" and refers to a scene where Don Quixote attacks windmills, mistaking them for giants." - thanks to Anna Platt, Portland, Oregon.

27. "Saved by the Bell" "Regarding the phrases, "Saved by the Bell" , It came into use as a boxing term in the late 19th century, but had earlier origins from the 17th century. The term described being saved by ringing a bell attached to a coffin to help with the very real problem of people being buried alive (due to lack of medical understanding of unconsciousness, comas, seizures and other death-like states therefore people were erroneously pronounced dead). There were several patents in England and the USA for 'safety coffins' with the bells incorporated into the designs registered in the 19th century and up to as late as 1955. There was even a society to help with this problem, Society for the Recovery of Persons Apparently Dead. The term "Dead Ringer" is also associated with this idea." - thanks to Teresa Kappers-Wright.

28. "Ducks in a Row" "I believe your origin for Ducks in a Row to be all out of whack. Contrary to popular belief this phrase has nothing to do with little yellow ducklings following their Mother duck all in a straight line. Landlubbers use the phrase to mean "get your business organized", but sailors know that this expression comes from the boatbuilding trade. Unbeknownst to a lot of people, a "duck" is a great big thing, bigger than your car that is so heavy that it has to be moved with a crane, and has jaws that open to make it a giant vise. The U.S. Navy (when building a new ship) lines up a number of ducks with a laser bean so that they are absolutely straight in a line; then the beginning piece of the new boat (the keel) is clamped in. The ducks hold the keel perfectly straight so the ship will be absolutely square athwart and fore-an-aft when it is being constructed. And so the first thing that is done in shipbuilding is to "get your ducks in a row". We have given the phrase a broader meaning, but its origins are nautical (Ref http://members.fortunecity.com/max233/)." - thanks to Byron Burson, Michigan.

29. "Burn The Candle At Both Ends" "The expression "burning the candle at both ends" never made sense to me. How could you burn a candle at both ends? Always had an image of a candle kinda floating, while burning at both ends. Then I was reading an historical novel, set in pre-electricity times and they referred to a person working hard, burning the candle at both ends of the day. Meaning obviously up before dawn and to bed after sunset." - thanks to Roger Brown, Atascadero, California.

30. "Lord willin' and the Creek don't rise" "Possible correction to your Cliches page. The phrase "Lord willin' and the Creek don't rise" doesn't refer to the Cree Indians, but to the Creek Indians. Cree is something of a misnomer for several tribes in the northern US and parts of Canada. Creek, however, is one of the Five Civilized Tribes, which includes Cherokee, Creek, Chickasaw, Choctaw, and Seminole." - thanks to Nelson Butterworth, Tennessee.

31. "All of a sudden" ""Sudden" came to us from Old French (OED), and its ultimate source is the Latin subire, meaning to come or go stealthily. It entered English in about 1300 as an adjective (spelled soden, sodeyne, sodein, swdan - the spelling wasn't established until after 1700). Beginning in the 1400s (OED) "sudden" was also used as an adverb, the way we use "suddenly" today. In the 1500s people began using "sudden" as a noun. A "sudden" was an unexpected occurrence. So people spoke of events that happened at, in, of, or upon "the sudden" or "a sudden." The historical progression of this phrase was "of the sudden" ... "of a sudden" ... "all of a sudden."
- "at the sodeyne" (1559) vs. "at a sudden" (1560)
- "in the Sodeyne" (1559) vs. "in a sodaine" (1560)
- "of the suddeyne" (1570) vs. "of a sodaine" (1596)
- "upon the soden" (1558) vs. "vpon a sodayne" (1565)
The use of "sudden" was extended to phrases that required the indefinite article "a," like these: "upon suche a sodeyn" (1572); "upon a very great sudden" (1575); and "with such a sodaine" (1582). "All of a sudden" first appeared in 1681.
"
- thanks to Thanks to the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), grammarphobia.com & Marie Glover.

32. "Swing the lead" "To "Swing the lead" is correct as far as being lazy, however the phrase actually comes from the days of horse drawn wagons. The "lazy" horses would slow down just enough for the load to be carried by the adjacent horse. You can tell when a horse "swings lead" by the angle of the pull bar swings back when the lazy horse slows." - thanks to Matt McNeice, Saskatchewan, Canada.

33. Ship shape"You list 'ship shape' and give an accurate definition of the origin, but did you know that the full phrase is more commonly, in England, 'ship-shape and Bristol-fashion' " - thanks to Lee Goddard, London, England.

34
.
"Room to swing a cat""Your explanation of "Room to swing a cat" is incorrect. The phrase has been traced back to the century before the cat o'nine tails was invented. The correct explanation appears to be in some doubt, but most likely DOES refer to an actual cat. Icky!" - thanks to Carolyn Grinberg.

35. "Zigged when he should have zagged" "You cite "Catch 22" as the origin of the phrase "zigged when he should have zagged". Permit me to call your attention to the last four lines of Act I, Scene 2 of "The Desert Song", a hugely popular musical from 1926. (I have read that, but for a contract dispute, it--and not "The Jazz Singer"--would have been Warner Brothers' first "talkie" motion picture.) For information on the musical, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Desert_Song
Susan : Bennie, why didn't you zigzag and avoid the bullets?
Benjamin: I did zigzag--
Susan : Then how were you shot?
Benjamin: I must have zigged when I should have zagged!

I won't claim that this is the origin of the phrase, but it beats Joseph Heller (who published Catch 22 in 1961) by thirty-five years.
"
- thanks to Chip Buckner, Overland Park, Kansas.  


36. "Spaghetti on the wall" "I was hoping I would find: "spaghetti on the wall" in your wonderful list! Hope you can add it soon." - from Anne Patteet.

37. "Spaghetti on the wall" "When I was a little girl and my Mother taught me how to make spaghetti I was told by her, and later reminded in my home economics class that "throwing spaghetti on the wall" is how you know spaghetti is fully cooked. If it sticks to the wall, you have cooked it long enough. If it does not stick, you need to cook it more. The real problem with this technique is that overcooked spaghetti sticks to the walls too! While I have only been taught this, and never read it in a book, I have seen numerous chefs reference this spaghetti trick." - from Tarean West.

38.  Put the hammer down"Freight haulers have most always been paid based on how much freight they carried and how far they transported it; hence, speed became a priority. In the early days of using trucks, they would often run at full throttle in rural areas. Since those early trucks didn't have 'luxuries' such as cruise control, drivers would literally place the head of a large hammer atop the accelerator so they could rest their leg during the long drive."
Additions to Apple Of Your Eye, Bees Knees, Brownie Points, Burn The Candle At Both Ends, Cook One's Goose, Hell Bent For Leather, Keep It Under Your Hat, Keep Your Shirt On, Mind Your Ps And Qs, Sleep Tight - thanks to Shelia Clark, Colorado and Missouri.


39. On the wagon“It in fact dates to Victorian times when prisoners where transported to the Old Bailey on a wagon. The officers guarding them would stop for a drink but the prisoners would have to stay on the wagon.” - thanks to Barry Maginn.

40. (Now the) “Cat's out of the bag”:  “Old time sailor expression meaning the 'cat o' nine tails' is out of its velvet bag and someone is going to be lasted to the mast and flogged.” - thanks to Russell Nilson.

41. “Snake Oil”:  “ 'Snake oil' came from Western imitations of Chinese arthritis medicine that was made from the rendered fat of certain types of sea snake. Modern tests indicate the Chinese stuff works but the western imitations of course were all bogus so Snake Oil came to meant any quack medicine.” - thanks to Steve Pitt, Canada.

42. “Break A Leg”:  “ The origin of the phrase “Break a Leg” came from the theater, as a wish of a good performance. The curtains would be lowered to signal the end of the show - this was the opportunity for the audience to clap. If the show was really good, the audience would want to see the actors again. This would result in the curtains being raised and lowered many times. The round wood pieces used in the bottom of the curtain were called “Legs” Hence if you performed well enough, you could “Break a Leg”. - thanks to Ken Friedkin, Junction City, Oregon.

43. “Sitting On The Throne”:  “The throne of the pope opened and stored his chamber pot in the Palazzo Piccolomini, Pienza, Italy. The pope was Pius II (no kidding, we saw this dual purpose throne last month...)”. - thanks to Jim Knoke, Valley Center, California.

44. “Straight And Narrow”:  This was formerly “strait and narrow”. “Strait” means narrow or confining, as in “strait jacket”, or a “Strait of Gibralter”. - thanks to David Wheat.

45. “To Have One's Cake and Eat It Too”:  Meaning: You can’t have it both ways - you must make a difficult choice between two options. Origin: From the fact that you can enjoy a cake by possessing it and not eating it, or by eating it and therefore no longer possessing it. One excludes the other.” - thanks to Colin Hedges, E. Wenatchee, Washington.

46. “Chew The Fat”:  This phrase refers to the processing and softening of hides by native Americans. This was the job of old women. Toothless old women would literally “chew the fat” off the inside of animal skins to make the hides soft and pliable. And, as the old women worked the hides, old did what old women will do - TALK, and “chew the fat”. - thanks to Sterling McCosh, Ephraim, Utah.

47. “Put English On It”:  Snooker was based on billiards, and does not pre-date it. It is thought to have been invented by British Army officers serving in India in the 19th Century. The game of snooker is played on a table with pockets (as is English Billiards). See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cue_sports and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snooker”. - thanks to Jonathan Hartshorn, London, England.

48. Dead Ringer:  “Regarding your cliche page and the cliche Dead Ringer, although the origins you have are true they are not the true origin of this saying. Before we knew what a coma even was people that were thought to be dead were buried and then sometimes awakened. So when they buried them they put a rod into the ground with a string attached to a bell at the top of the rod. If the person awakened they rang they pulled the string and the bell rang at the top of the rod. There were always men on duty in the graveyard with shovels in case they ever heard a "Dead Ringer". They would shout out, "We have a Dead Ringer!" and dig them back up.” - thanks to Kurtis L. Bubier, Cedar Pines Park, California.

49. To Skylark:  “In the 18th and 19th centuries young boys were employed by the Royal Navy, like all boys they loved “larking about” often in the uppermost parts of the rigging of a sailing ship. The very highest sails were called “sky-sails” so by extension (and because of the coincidence of the bird’s name) they were said to “sky-lark”.” - thanks to Eric Petrie, Somerset, United Kingdom.

50. The Whole Nine Yards:  “The expression The Whole Nine Yards originated in the 2nd World War. The .50 caliber machine gun, that was fired by the door gunners, the tail gunners and the belly gunners on the big bomber planes, used ammunition that was linked together on 27 foot belts. Twenty seven feet = 9 yards, hence “I gave ’em the whole nine yards.” - thanks to Bill Tilley, Tallahassee, Florida, U.S.A.

51. Show A Leg:  “It is correct that civilian women, mostly wives of the sailors were allowed to take berth on sailing vessels. When the roving watch came around to wake up those that were to go on the next watch, he would say, "Show a leg." If the woman was in the bunk she would show a leg so the watch would not further rouse her. If the man was in the bunk, the watch would continue to rouse the sailor. - thanks to James Banks, St. Louis, Missouri, U.S.A.

52. Counting Dukes:  “A way to choose a person for a game. Children place their fist outward to be counted by way of touching each fist in succession to a rhyme. The last fist touched is the one chosen to lead the game, or rather “it.” The term “dukes” comes from the slang for fist, as in “put up your dukes.” - thanks to John Stout, U.S.A.

53. Son Of A Gun:  “If the father was unknown... This is a very common error, and somewhat contested by “new grammarians,” but I’m still old school, and this is a clear case of the subjunctive mood. If, sets off the condition, so it should read, ‘If the father were unknown...’ ” - thanks to Kathryn Groobin, Santa Monica, California, U.S.A.

54. To Skin A Cat:  “This refers to the phrase, “There is more than one way to skin a cat”. When I was a young fellow, 60 years ago, I learned the meaning of this saying from some old timers who were once mule drivers. They were called “Mule Skinners”. When bulldozers came along (ie Caterpillar), the operators were called “Cat Skinners”. The dozer could be operated either by use of foot pedals or hand levers. Therefore there was “More than one way to skin a cat” (ie Caterpillar) ” - thanks to Gary Weston, Yakima, Washington, U.S.A.

55. Hog Wash:  “My understanding was always that when one washed up after dinner, the plates were rinsed into a bucket and that “wash” was fed to the hogs.” - thanks to Ron Wright, Tucson, Arizona, U.S.A.

56. The Proof Is In The Pudding:  “ “To the British, pudding means the same as dessert in the US.” Actually a pudding is a sub class of deserts. A pudding must contain fruit. A desert does not need to.” - thanks to Steve Isherwood, Derby, United Kingdom.

 

Daffynitions:  Words Not Found in the Dictionary

1. "Snost"Thanks to "kantTYPEworthKRAPP" Pat and Melinda.

2. "Blinky-Eyed", "Disgrossting" & "Gihugeous"Thanks to Laurel Forbus.

3. "Incunebula" "The word "incunabula" refers to books published with movable type from the time of Gutenberg [~1450] to 1500."   Thanks to Chuck Robinove.

4. Altar-Boy,  Chortle,  Chortling,  Eczema,  Euthanasia,  Altar-Boy,  Geriatric,  Ignoranus,  Invention,  Lackadaisical,  Mendacity,  Perspicacity,  Platitude,  Pompeii,  Portend,  Poverty,  Specimen,  Support Hose  &  Truculent.    Thanks to Barry Nelson, USA.

5. "AUSSIE KISS, BEER COAT, BEER COMPASS, BREAKING THE SEAL, GREYHOUND, JOHNNY-NO-STARS, MILLENNIUM DOMES, MONKEY BATH, MYSTERY BUS, MYSTERY TAXI, OH NO SECOND, PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE, PICASSO BUM, SINBAD, SWAMP-DONKEY, TART FUEL, TESTICULATING, TRAMP STAMP"Thanks to David Bailey.

6. "BEAR MARKET, BROKER, BULL MARKET, 'BUY, BUY', CALL OPTION, CASH FLOW,
CEO, CFO, FINANCIAL PLANNER, INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR, MARKET CORRECTION, MOMENTUM INVESTING, P/E RATIO, PROFIT, (S&P) STANDARD & POOR, STOCK ANALYST, STOCK SPLIT, VALUE INVESTING, WINDOWS,YA HOO
"Thanks to Irvin Kauffman.


 

Homerisms

1. “Marge, you know it's rude to talk when my mouth is full.”  Thanks to Kelsey McIntyre.

2. “Donuts! Outta my way jerkass!”  &  “Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?  Thanks to Mike Libb.


 

 

1. "Damon Albarn"Thanks to Frans Karlsson, Lund, Sweden, for his submission of the Damon Albarn anagram... Damon is a 'singer in blur'...

 
2.  Paleface She Rides Hard = Fair Heads Scalped Here   Thanks to John Hall, Lund, Sweden, for his 'frontier days' submission...

3.  George Herbert Walker Bush - Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog   Thanks to Bob Ries.

4. "The Last Supper = Streuth! Apples?", "The United States Postal Service = It dispatches letters to avenues", "Sustainable energy = Sane, suitably green.", "Public relations = Crap, built on lies!" "Is There Life on Mars? = Aliens? Mothers' rife!", & "The American First Lady, Laura Bush = I am after a cuter husband - Hillary's!", "Nose narcotic? = Snort cocaine!", "President' Hillary Clinton? = Her intern policy: "I'll stand!";   President' Hillary Clinton? = Hi! try dollar\cent spin line.;   President' Hillary Clinton? = Notice thrill, lady spinner?;   President' Hillary Clinton? = Rich lady, in internet polls.;   President' Hillary Clinton? = Richly pliant, tender loins.",  "The Republican Party = Prat Cheney: "April? Tub!",  "The Republican Party"->"Elephant-crap? Bury it!"" Thanks to Mick Tully...


5. I note The Queen has reigned over us for sixty years. = “She is quite extraordinary”, everyone often gushes. - Thanks to Chris Sturdy.


1. "Hell its 1991 still, eh?"Thanks to David Flynn Huerta, Austin, Texas...


2. "Wow"Thanks to David Worden, Austin, Texas.

 

3. "God & Dog"Thanks to Martine Froget, Lyon, France.

 

4. "2 corrections ...
Sex often: I met foxes. -- should read: Sex often: I net foxes.
What! So he is hanged, is he? So what? -- not even remotely a palindrome
Additions to your list ...
No sir, poo prison!
past encina grow organic net sap
Nam regrets young gnu oyster german
No Stetson
Pop
Poop
no, lemme toot em, melon
Gollem aced ode camel log
Thanks to Paul Holmes.

5. "A rat sees Tara, Across orca, Deer as a reed, Nat sees tan, Rat sees tar, Tara sees a rat, Ron, I'm a minor, Today, a dot,  Emma, I am me, No, man! Nick: cinnamon!, No Omaha moon, Stop, stupid, I put spots!, Track cart ,  Smart rams, Pat, won't it now tap? & Wolf, won't it now flow?, I have tennis in net, Eva; Hi! ,  Not nil? Clinton!  & Spoon snoops

and many others:  Sudan? An ad, U.S.
;  Loot a tool;  Draw a ward; Nab a ban;  Danielle in ad;  Lie, veer fast! It's a free veil!;  Space caps;  Red rums murder;  Evian, I saw Nissan as sin. Was I naive?; Emit: Noah? Ha! On time?; Walter et Law; Yo! Jazz. A Joy!; Ah, Tabatha!; A global lab Olga; Work row; Nathan: ah, tan!; Eroded ore; Pirates set a R.I.P.; Pirates did set a R.I.P.; Trap a rodent, Ned, or a part; Busy sub; Not so bad, a "Boston"!; Is saga A. Agassi?; Warhol? Oh, raw!; Kramer's remark; Nap at a pan; "Snap-on Tools" loot no pans;  Ah, tramp Martha!; Mask carton, not rack, Sam; Panda dad, nap; Step One: No Pets; Daniela Coleman, name locale in ad; Not L.A., Dalton?; Topeka, take pot; Topeka, bake pot; Topeka, make pot; Topeka, wake! Pot!; Nab, rub US Navy van (Suburban); Not a baton?; Muse nine, sum; A rod naps, Pandora; See, Smith, Tim sees; A lone Enola; Lee has a tuba, but as a heel
Thanks to Hernan Montfort, Monterrey, Mexico...

6. "SATOR
AREPO
TENET
OPERA
ROTAS
" It's supposed to be the ultimate palindrome in that it's three-dimensional - it reads the same backward, forward, up and down. I didn't originate it and I'm not a Latin scholar so I'm not sure it means anything.
Thanks to William Lovern, Hawaii

 

Murphy's Laws
www.Murphyisms.com

1. " Murphy is overly optimistic":  Thanks to Berry Anderson for his Murphy-ism... Berry loves joe-ks.com but says it takes up too much time... That's what we're here for!



 

Corrections as submitted by joe-ks.com readers

1. "Power Out? Look For A Deer Crossing":  As per L. Storie of Winnipeg, Manitoba, this "Deer" article has nothing to do with Baltimore Gas and Electric (as originally reported): credit should go to Manitoba Hydro (as per a March 17, 2004 article in the Winnipeg Free Press, quoting CN Rail spokesman Jim Feeny). This happened in December 2002...

2. "World's Tallest Woman":  As per Richard Thiessen, this article is a "Tall Tale" hoax - showing real pictures but inaccurate information. Heather Greene (the woman shown in the article) is a real person, but she's NOT from Holland, nor is she the tallest person in the world. Heather lives in Las Vegas, and she is 6' 5 1/2" in bare feet (7'2" in heels) - well short of the real tallest person in the world (Sandy Allen of Shelbyville, Indiana who reached 7' 7 1/4" as a teenager before undergoing pituitary surgery to control her growth)...

3A. " Chocolate Math":  Thanks to Lisa Grayson from Buffoonco for her corrections for Step #5 - to add 1754 if you had your birthday this year; or to add 1753 if you haven't... (post note: Lisa's submission to us was in 2004 and her #s are year-dependent and for 2004 only): updated in 2011 by the Joe-kster

3B. "Chocolate Math"Thanks to David L. Worden, Austin, Texas, for bringing to our attention that Lisa's numbers (in Step 3A above) don't work for 2006:  Looks like the #s you use for Step #5 are dependent on the year you're in:  for 2006 Step #5 - add 1756 if you had your birthday this year; or to add 1755 if you haven't...
FYI - June 2007: Chocolate Math updated for 2007 thanks to a reminder from David!
 

4. "Bush Quotes":  Thanks to Ed Hurtley for his correction to the "Bush Quotes". Ed mentions that "With as often as Bush has mis-spoken, I could see a wonderful list appearing. Unfortunately, these are not them. All of those quotes are by former Vice President Dan Quayle. The quote 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared' should actually read '... responsibility of any Vice President..." - the real quote." As a post-note, Ed mentions, "Not that it makes them any less funny!"

5. "I Am Canadian":  Thanks to Richard Thiessen for pointing out that in the War of 1812, the leader was George Cockburn because (A) it wasn't William Lyon Mackenzie (since he didn't arrive in Canada from Scotland until 1820); and (B) it wasn't William Lyon Mackenzie King (who was the grandson of William Lyon Mackenzie and who was the Prime Minister of Canada). Richard can't find anything to substantiate that Cockburn was "hammered" when he led the troops though...

6. "2003 Darwin Awards":  Brian Suddeth points out that the original posting for the 2003 Darwin Awards is a false list. For the REAL Darwin Awards go to darwinawards.com...

7A. " Wired Moose: Post Note":  Famed Biologist Specialist Dr. Bob Bradley notes that this is definitely a hoax, as per the following: (A) the body is that of a caribou while the antlers are moose antlers; and (B) the colour of the body is mantled grey, and not black as would be for that of a moose... guess this was only a Moosestake after all!

7B. " Wired Moose: Post-Post Note":  "I thought you should know that it's true, except for two points - it was in Anchorage, AK, not Fairbanks, AK, and the antlers have not gone missing, to my knowledge. As a lifelong resident of Alaska, I have seen (and on several occasions, skiied or biked into) many moose. All of them were brown or grey. I have never seen a black moose (The moose in the picture is brown, by the way). Also, he [Dr. Bob Bradley] said that the body of the moose was a caribou's body. If you look closely, you'll find that the moose in the picture has a distinctive hump on its back, just behind the head. This is a distinctive characteristic of moose. You can confirm this information with a biology textbook and/or a search on Anchorage's newspaper web site, www.adn.com." Thanks to Eli Conway, Anchorage, Alaska.

7C. " Wired Moose: Post-Post-Post Note":  "This is not a hoax - as it appeared in this month's edition of Alaska Magazine (Feb 2005 issue, P14). This happened in Delta Jct, about 90 miles out east of Fairbanks. Golden Valley Electric confirmed that they were stringing a powerline for Pogo Goldmine by a private Contractor." Thanks to Bob & Hollie Carroll, Fairbanks, Alaska.

8. "Bald Rabbits":  Thanks to Brett BearClan for pointing out a now-corrected broken link to the "Bald Rabbits" groaners!

9. "2004 Darwin Awards":  Wilfried Knoth points out that not only is the 'Winner Story' false, but it's 6 years old!  For the REAL Darwin Awards go to darwinawards.com...

10. "Irish Dock Overboard Oh-Nos":   "The last (bottom) picture is a fake. Start on picture number 1 and look at the parked cars in the background, and take notice of the angle of the camera taking the picture. Compare picture number 2 to picture number 9. The last one is a fake." Thanks to Keith Anderson, Springville, Utah.

11. "Minesweeper - Afghanistan Version":   "The Iraq minesweeper game shows a map of Afganistan. Why isn't the game called the Afganistan minesweeper game?" Oops! Our proof-reader (me!) must have been napping again... it's now corrected, thanks to David Meyer.

12. "Kangaroo On Ice? Must be cold Down Under":  Thanks to Anna Bidgood for pointing out to us "that ain't a kangaroo 'cause the back feet are cloven - not 'toed'. And its front legs are just curled up underneath it - and not short with expressive little hands like the roos. Looks veeeeery much like a roo - but if that was a roo - he'd be pretty pissed off & would give the photographer a look of 'whatddya think YOU'RE lookin' at buster???'" There you go - Anna 'toed' you so!

13A. "Weird Lincoln and Kennedy Similarities" "Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Iffy at best - JFK did nothing in his lifetime to further civil rights. It was LBJ who actually accomplished something. Lincoln's contribution was in starting the war that ultimately freed the slaves, but gave them few, if any, civil rights. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Booth was born and raised in Bel Air (near Baltimore), Maryland. This hardly makes him a southerner save for his politics. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.' Kennedy was shot in a car called a 'Lincoln.'  Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theater. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth was cornered an killed in a barn on the Garrett farm."  Thanks to Chas. Rabas.

13B. "Weird Lincoln and Kennedy Similarities" "John Wilkes Booth was apprehended and shot in the burning barn on Dr. Samuel Mudd's property, not in a warehouse. Also, there is no such city of Monroe, Maryland."  Thanks to Steve Morton, West Bloomfield, MI.

14. "The original answer for the 'Mountain Illusion' picture is incorrect - there is no Ox on the mountain picture. The scenario is animals you would find in the mountains. Here's the pic with the correct answers!"  Thanks to Richard Bandy.

15. Re "Hand Signing Puzzle":  "Those aren't called 'hand signs'". It is indeed a 'hand' and it is 'signing' but It's the 'Manual Alphabet' from American Sign Language. More specifically, it's the Spanish Manual Alphabet and it was adopted by the deaf in most European countries and in the Americas. Russia even uses it. The British manual alphabet employs two hands for each letter. When it's actually put into use we deaf people call it 'finger spelling' but I've never known any deaf people to call it hand signing. That's what the animation shows - finger spelling."  Thanks to Ray Foster, Cathedral City, California.

16. "Satellite View of North America Aug 2003 Power Outage":  "This picture is a hoax. All you need to see to realize that is to look in northern Canada or the ocean where there are no lights. It appears blue while the supposed blackout in the US appears black. Someone has doctored the image."   Thanks to Heath Countryman.

17. "Don't give away the Punch Line in your joe-ks!"   You know which one we're referring to, Lee... won't happen again!  Thanks to Lee McIntyre.

18. "1954 Vision of the 2005 Home Computer":  "The February 2005 edition of Popular Mechanics addressed this picture and indicated it was a Hoax, publishing along with it the original, unaltered picture (a submarine mock-up)."   Thanks to Mark Bulthaup.

19. "Time For a Trade-In?":  "This article is based on my essay entitled 'Trade-In Wanted' as published in the November 2003 edition of 'Ozark Senior Living'."   Thanks to Linda S. Amstutz.


20. "
Robin William's Peace Plan":  "This has been proven a hoax. Robin Williams didn't (and wouldn't) say that. Refer to Article #1 & Article #2. Robin Williams is one of the funniest, no doubt, but he's also adheres strongly to liberal political views, favoring world government, amnesty for immigrants, open borders, humanitarian aid, anti-oil and pro-environment. Therefore, he wouldn't be saying many of the things in that list, and which is why I doubted its veracity. Thanks for all of the effort you go through to make our lives out here a bit better!"   Thanks to Keith Anderson.

21A. "Hurricane Katrina":  "The photos you have posted as being Hurricane Katrina approaches are not from that storm. I checked out www.snopes.com (a leading hoax-busting site), and the webmasters had this to say:
"Indeed, these pictures are apparently all-purpose storm photos, trotted out on a
near monthly basis and retitled to correspond to the latest large weather
phenomenon. These photographs have now been circulated as depicting:
a. Australian tornadoes, May 2005
b. Severe storms in southern Alberta, July 2005
c. Severe storms and tornadoes in Ontario, August 2005
d. Hurricane Katrina in the Gulf Coast, August 2005
These images are actually photographs of tornadoes taken by storm chaser Mike Hollingshead in southwest Iowa in late spring 2004. Most of them are viewable on the 2004 Digital Photos section of his web site (scroll about halfway down the page)."
 They are still some wicked pictures, though, aren't they?"   Thanks to Fred Jerant.

22B. "Hurricane Katrina":  "Yes, Joe these are a hoax. Those pictures are actually photographs of tornadoes taken by storm chaser Mike Hollingshead in southwest Iowa in late spring 2004. This link will give you the rest of the story..."     Thanks to Darwin Mckee.

23. "Tofu is made of soybeans, water, and magnesium chloride":  "Your "Engrish translation" section has a statement that is 100% true. Tofu really *is* made from soybeans, water and magnesium chloride. Soaked soybeans are ground with water to make soybean "milk;" magnesium chloride added to the "milk" serves to solidify the stuff into the final cheese-like substance."     Thanks to Fred Jerant Post Note: we suspected the Japanese had a yen for this!

24. "In your joke about Prince Charles Marriage and Warning the Pope you have erred. The joke says the Pope died in 1981 and that is NOT so. The Pope died in 1978 and the new Pope John Paul II was SHOT in 1981. He did not die."     Thanks to K Braunzyk.

25. "The big snake on this link is not a Carpet Python, it's an African Rock Python (often confused for the Burmese Python which is real similar). It's not native to Australia which is why it made the news. I've owned Burmese, Afrcian Rock and Carpet Pythons. While Carpet Pythons can, but rarely do get that big, they don't have the girth of that snake. They are a much more slender snake and the color patterns are wrong for a Carpet. African Rocks are mean as hell and get huge, especially their heads, if they keep eating larger prey their heads grow to accommodate it.  Here's a link to the picture of the "Carpet Python" on your website that is also on a website for South African Animals. I think the guy who claims to have sent you that picture is pulling one on ya..."     Thanks to Ed Knebel.

26A. "First Man On The Moon - a Hoax?" "My dad was the head NCO of the crash boats at Langley AFB and used to retrieve space capsules from the ocean while stationed at Langley. Scott Carpenters son attended my younger brothers birthday party. The Mercury astronauts all trained at Langley, and I saw them all at one time or another." More info on this hoax...     Thanks to Darwin McKee.

26B. "First Man On The Moon - a Hoax?" "The "logic" used to arrive at the conclusion is pretty much like some of the English used to describe it. For example, near the lower right hand corner of the piece, we find, "PS. Even if the American's...." Two punctuation errors in a snippet that short? Pretty much describes the scholarly level of the whole piece. Makes me think the piece was written by a child. Possibly even by someone whose PARENTS had not yet been born, on that historic occasion. All you need is a little bit of memory, or slightly more research, to know that one bit of "evidence" is the product of a deliberate attempt to create, rather than unveil, a hoax -- or the product of ignorance. It's an easy answer to the incorrectly punctuated question, "Then how is it that the U.S. flag is clearly waving in both these pictures." IT IS NOT WAVING! A waving flag would never have its top edge ruler straight, as shown in the pictures. NASA's people, knowing a flag hanging limply from a pole is not so easily recognized, and knowing there is no breeze on the moon, crafted a rod, perpendicular to the pole, to support the top edge of the flag and give it the appearance of waving. If the genius who created the hoax had actually sought the truth, the unnaturally straight top edge of the flag would have given a clue. Moreover, in two pictures, the top stripe of the flag is darker, which suggests the object supporting it. In a photo of better quality, it's likely that the actual shape can be seen.

I can't help wondering if the hoax creating "analyst" has ever actually taken a photograph with anything but the most basic, rudimentary equipment. Or if the mere notion of taking a physics course ever passed through that analytical mind. (Let alone actual attendance in such a course.) For example, what one phrase really means is, "I have no clue!" The phrase in question, ". . . there are no air molecules; which would mean that anything in a shadow would be pitch black." You've gotta be really confused to imagine there's any relationship between air molecules and photography, which involves light.

A key component of successful photography is contrast. Another is the intent, or goal, of the photographer. The photos our hoaxer cites as not having stars in them were not intended to show stars. They were, however, intended to show the moon, the people on the moon, and other such things with which the author takes issue. Even on the moon, the exposure necessary to capture stars against a dark background is significantly different from the exposure necessary to capture images of a footprint, flag, or reflection. Because of the contrast limitations of the film available at the time, it was impossible to get an image of something on the surface, and of a star in the sky, at the same time.

Ancient man developed myths to explain natural events. Apparently, this hoaxer is one of those who still imagines planets are eaten, the earth rests on someone's shoulders, etc. Otherwise, it would occur to them that, even on earth, stars become completely invisible during daylight hours. And, at night, if you take a picture of someone on high ground surrounded by sky, you'll either get a good picture of the subject with no stars, or a good picture of stars, with the subject as a mere outline, where the model's body obscures stars. The laws of physics and photography don't change, just because one is on a distant orb.

Even though the latitude of film cannot handle such massive extremes of contrast, shadow is another thing confusing the analyst. The first picture, with a bunch of red arrows on it, makes no sense. Maybe in a larger, or in the original, version, it would be easy to recognize the flawed logic. As presented on your site, it's not even possible to recognize any logic.

As for the shoe print shadows, all are consistent with light from a single source. You don't have to have spent time in the military analyzing photos all day long to develop the skills needed to recognize this simple fact. Nor does it take a lot of time in a studio, under controlled (Not to mention, controllable and infinitely variable.) lighting conditions, to develop an understanding of the interplay between light and shadow or the effects of reflection and of uneven surfaces.

Shadow and photography are, for this dupe, a hopeless mix. It does not appear, to anyone who understands the two, that "Armstrong's body is receiving (sic) light from his right side as well." (sic) The same issue arises in the picture of the astronaut on the ladder. High quality film, properly exposed and developed, has significant latitude. Therefore, it's possible for one area to be brightly lit with another area in shadow, and the image of both areas to be recognizable. A term photographers use to describe this phenomenon is "shadow detail." The reality is that many, if not most, good natural light photographs are taken in shadow or some other form of indirect light, rather than in the harsh glare of sun. Flash pictures are, of course, a different thing.

Simply put, it's a lie to say that merely being in shadow makes something "barely visible." While it's entirely possible to use a combination of film, exposure, and development in such a way as to render even color photos in a virtually featureless two tone manner, it's also possible to take photos such as the ones in question, without manipulation or multiple light sources.

In a court of law, if a witness is shown to have lied about anything, it's reasonable to assume everything from that witness is a lie. By the same token, if a witness has offered two mutually exclusive statements, it's not necessary to determine which is true or which is false. If it's impossible for both to be true, then the witness has lied.

Whether grossly ignorant or greedily grasping for some Internet fame by coming up with a hoax, the result is the same. A hoax. Not NASA's. Yours.

I don't recall everything about that event with 100% clarity, so I could be wrong about one thing. I suspect, however, it's your story which, again, has it wrong. The assumptions of "heat," a crater, and a fried flag seem to come from some old space movies, and a lack of understanding about how the lunar lander worked. Again, I could be wrong. However, I believe it's the case that the thrust which brought the lander down softly, and raised it back from the lunar surface, had nothing to do with heat. I believe it was a compressed gas, sort of like the duster cans now sold in office and computer supply stores. Nothing fried or melted results from using them. Maybe the figure of 25,000 pounds was the number of pounds pressure per square inch of the compressed gas, or of the escaping gas at the nozzles. I question whether the entire package, as it landed on the moon, weighed anywhere near 25,000 pounds. Maybe it did, but there are so many other things grossly, obviously, and inexplicably wrong in the piece that I don't see any reason to think this one factoid might be accurate.

The photograph with the reflection was probably NOT taken by the astronaut being reflected. I suspect the camera, with wide angle lens, was in the left hand of the astronaut in the picture. The assumption that there were only two cameras, fastened to the astronauts' chests, is wrong. I think I read about several cameras -- thousands of dollars' worth -- which were left on the moon. I know there was at least one camera affixed to the lander. And, there's even a photo in the spread which gives evidence at least one fixed camera was used.

Being so caught up in the bogus theory of a hoax, I guess it was easy to overlook the picture with two astronauts in it; the one purporting to show two different length shadows. Who took that picture? Another reason that shot is significant is what it illustrates about the problem with contrast. Shadows, dead black. Astronauts, brilliant white; almost featureless. The ground? Very nicely exposed. Happens a lot, with averaging light meter systems.

Unfortunately for the conspiracy notion, the same photo illustrates distortions utilized to arrive at that phony notion. If there were multiple light sources, there would be MULTIPLE SHADOWS of each individual. Any night, on a street with street lights, this can be illustrated. As you walk along the sidewalk, you will have multiple shadows, some darker than others, from the multiple lights.

In the photo, the explanation for the longer shadow is obvious to anyone who seeks the truth. The astronaut on the right is on higher ground than the one on the left, so even though they may be the same height, his effective height for purposes of shadow casting is greater. We know this is true because of the dark ground between them, compared to the well lit space in the left part of the photo, where the shadows are found. If they were on even ground, it would be evenly lit. What a twit.

Even though it's not funny, but pathetic, I guess the exercise in hoaxery served the purpose of your site. It provided me with a pointless exercise to while away some time. Keep up the good work, but ditch the trash!
"  More info on this hoax... 
   Thanks to Courtney Wood.

27. "Diatribe Du Jour: Donald Duck" "There is a stupid error in your site - in the Diatribe du Jour your #14 states that Donald Duck is banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. This statement is false and has no truth in it. I know the background for this urban legend - in the seventies the city of Helsinki was about to drop Donald Duck comics from the public health care systems reading - the papers that are provided for customers waiting for doctor's appointment. The reason for this was to save money - but the citizens opposed the city's decision, and the city continued its subscription. One reason might have been political, if I remember right (I was a teenager back then), the proposal for cancellation was made by communist party - which had a small minority in the city council - because of the political reasons. This piece of information came out later when the subscription was renewed. Somehow this episode got out of hands and has lived its own life after that. So, my recommendation is that you change the #14 to show how things may get out of hands if no-one is actually interested about the truth."     Thanks to Antti-Heikki Suoninen.

28. "Chinese Puzzle Car" "The 'Chinese Puzzle Car' on your mage_files page might look like an offer in a style matching with that cliche - but the car itself can be easily identified as an elder Volkswagen Golf model (most probably, 1980s - edgy
shape, but already non-chromed synthetic bumpers). So, you rather might call it 'German car, offered as Chinese do-it-yourself puzzle'
".   
 Thanks to Josef Dittrich.

29. "Oxymorons" "A lot of the phrases listed as oxymorons do not really fulfill the stated definition: "A figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction":  Weekday is an oxymoron. Safe sex is not.  Many of the listed phrases might qualify as sarcastic comments, but not true oxymorons, i.e., a random sampling:
Brief survey
Commercial art
Canadian bacon (???)
Cafeteria food
Constructive criticism
Designer jeans
Easy payments
Extremely bland
Fairly obvious (whereas fairly explicit IS an oxymoron, see the difference?)
Final conclusion (???)
Half dead - Half empty - Half full - Half naked - Half true - Halfway done - Happy
demise
Jump start
Just war
Lite beer
Male compassion
Nuclear defense
Precision bombing
Rap music
Salacious wife
".   
 Thanks to Jacqui Graham, Burns Lake, B.C.

30. " The Longest Word Using Chemical Symbols":  The longest word that can be spelt entirely using chemical symbols without reusing any element is:
NoNRePReSeNTaTiONaLiSmS (there are actually four different "spellings");
The longest non-dictionary (purely scientific, not in the ENABLE dictionary) word is:
HYPOThAlAmICoHYPoPHYSeAl (there are actually eight different "spellings").
There is a tie for longest words that can be spelled using unique chemical symbols:
"HYPErCoAgULaBiLiTiEs" and "HYPErCoNScIOUSnEsSeS". 
Thanks to  Mark Nandor, Upper School Math Chair, The Wellington School, Columbus, Ohio.  More such useless chemical symbol word trivia can be found at  Mark Nandor's website...

31. "Farm Machine Music" "This video of a fabulous Rube Goldberg-like contraption that produces catchy, mellow music by continuously shooting balls at various percussion instruments is a Hoax. The device depicted in this video does not exist, at the University of Iowa or anywhere else. It's an example of a computer-animated music video, this one entitled 'Pipe Dream', produced by Animusic. For more information, go to this Urban Legends site link."     Thanks to Sheila Roddy.

32. "Reindeer Strike" "The Santas on strike photo was taken in New York City, not London."     Thanks to Shawn Rosvold.

33. "The Amazing Un-Bridge" "Your picture of the "Amazing Un-Bridge" is lacking an accurate description. I recognized it as one of 3 bridge-tunnels near me. The "Amazing Un-Bridge" is about 15 miles from where I live, and I have driven it on numerous occasions. I'm enclosing a link with the correct information on this bridge. It is actually the Monitor Merrimac Bridge Tunnel (MMMBT) located in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia. It connects the cities of Chesapeake and Newport News."     Thanks to Cynthia Craft, Virginia.

34. "How Well Do You Know Canada Quiz" "Heyya, your "How well do you know Canada" quiz has a bit of an erroneous question. Question 18: Mile 0 of the Trans-Canada Highway is situated in which Atlantic city? A: St. John's, Newfoundland... It's here, in Victoria, B.C.!"
"So how come there's a Mile One Stadium in St John's me bye?"
Reference Links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans-Canada_Highway
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trans-Canada_Highway#The_.22mile_zero.22_concept
Thanks to Craig Hughes & Brian- the Joe-kster stands corrected!

35. "How Well Do You Know Canada Quiz" "Your answer putting Churchill, Manitoba on the Arctic Ocean has me confused. Is Churchill NOT on Hudson Bay? I myself do not consider Hudson Bay being the Arctic Ocean."
Thanks to James L. Scott. - the Joe-kster stands corrected on his Canadian geography... again!

Reference Link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Churchill,_Manitoba


36. "Logging Moose" "The "story" that goes along with the moose logging is wonderful. It has been going around for about a month now (at least here in Florida, where I live). I didn't know whether you had seen it or not, so touching and so untrue, but sweet none the less. I've attached the snopes link for you..."
Thanks to Toni Schultz.

Reference Link:  'Logging The Northern Way'
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/workmoose.asp


37. "How Well Do You Know Canada Quiz" "Regarding your definition of the significance of a 1947 oil find in Leduc, AB, the denizens of Petrolia, ON may wish to challenge the point. Their claim to being first & hence the founders of Canada's Oil Industry predates the Leduc claim by about 100 years. To further the point Imperial Oil's Sarnia refinery was commissioned in 1897."
Thanks to David Jarman. - the Joe-kster says, "Well, oil be darned!" As a result of David's enlightenment, we've added Question #20 to inform site browsers of the TRUE founder of Canada's Oil Industry...

Reference Link:
http://www.imperialoil.ca/Canada-English/Thisis/Operations/TI_O_SarniaRefinery.asp

 

38. "Skoda Limousine" "Hey Joe, I was looking through the site and came upon the "Skoda Limousine" page, and noticed that you were saying that this limousine was Russian. Upon closer inspection, I realized that according to the flags located in the front of the vehicle, this limo was most likely from the Czech Republic, not Russia.
I used this flag page for reference: http://www.photius.com/flags/alphabetic_list.html
"
Thanks to Toly. - the Joe-kster confused the Skoda with the Lada - must have been 'Russian' to conclusions again! Looks like Skoda is indeed a car with Czech origins, although it's now owned by Volkswagen (since 1991)...

Reference Link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/1501452.stm

 

39. "Big Dog!" "The picture you have is not correct for the story. the dog in the picture is a Neapolitan Mastiff (I have one). English Mastiff's are much larger than Neo's. On average 50 pounds. the average weight for a Neo is 150.Thanks to Susan Slish.

 

40. "Spot the Mistake" "There are no mistakes because one or two little posts (perhaps all the posts) can be pulled out to permit the access in case of necessity (ambulance f.e.) as is usual in all the countries that I have visited. The posts that can be pulled out have a lock in the base. In any case is a nice non-joke.Thanks to Stefano Renzi, Panama.
Pictures taken by Stefano in Panama City showing removable posts (click on the thumbnail images to expand to full size):


 


41. "Sunbathing on a Chinese Korean Beach" "I didn't check all the "Chinese beach" photos, but in the first one, the letters on the parasols are in Korean, not Chinese. Not the same people! Unless "Canadians are Americans, too." You wouldn't believe, or maybe you would, the assumptions made by many French people and other "continental" Europeans - calling the Scots, Irish and Welsh "English", etc. Ah well."
Thanks to Jim Munn, France.

42. "Benefits of High Gas Prices" "I thought you would want to know the pictures of the so called Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan palace is not a palace at all, but a hotel!"
Reference Link:
Emirates Palace Abu Dhabi  hotel
Thanks to Erwin Uhl, Abbotsford, B.C.

43. "Something Sounds Fishy" "Really should be attributed to Kip Addotta "Wet Dream". Beginning should be: "It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year" and a couple typos for the ocean puns: muscles should be mussels and Aaa bologna should be A-balonel!"
Reference Link: Wet Dream lyrics
Thanks to Willard Smith, Kendallville, Indiana.
Post-note: agreed - credits revised to Kip Addotta 'Wet Dream' ringtone, and yes, mussels and abalone make more sense! But we'll stick with our version of the leap year...

44. "Retired Boat Captain" "Just letting you know that the video you have listed on your site called "Retired New Orleans Boat Captain" is really not from New Orleans. The ship was called the Windoc, enroute from Thunder Bay to Montreal. This accident happened in the Welland Canal (between Lake Erie and Lake Ontario) on the night of August 11, 2001. The Allenburg Bridge operator was impaired. No one was badly hurt. Two crew members reported minor injuries."
Reference Link: www.boatnerd.com
Thanks to Georgie Baptiste, Peterborough, Ontario.


45. "How Well Do You Know Canada Quiz" "Where did Canada's Oil Industry Start? Your answer is incorrect. The first Commercial Oil Well was discovered Oil Springs Ontario in 1858 and was discovered by James Miller Williams. Oil Springs is the birth place of the Modern Oil Industry. Petrolia came after the Oil Springs event."
Thanks to Gordon Perry, Oil Springs, Ontario
Post-note: Well, oil be!

Reference Links:
www.oilsprings.ca/
  &
www.lclmg.org/lclmg/Museums/OilMuseumofCanada/tabid/114/Default.aspx

46. "Middle East Airlines":  "This is a link to the picture story of the Airbus crash!"
Reference Link
www.snopes.com

Thanks to
Erwin Uhl, Abbotsford, B.C.

47. Motorcycle Enforcement in Japan  “Your caption 'Motorcycle Enforcement in Japan' is incorrect. That is Hong Kong. We all know the Asians look alike.  :-)”
Thanks to George Niles
.


48. Piranha on Steroids  “I'd just like to point out that this is a tiger fish, not a pirahna. I recognized it as my folks live on the Zambezi River and Tigers are a very popular fish for sport fishing.”   Thanks to Debb Rooken-Smith, Buckinghamshire, England.

49. Spot The Clock Answer  “If you want to see a more unusual clock, look at the picture (see 'Florence Time') of the clock in the Duomo in Florence, Italy. It is a 24 hour clock and only has an hour hand. Minute hands only came into regular use around 1690. Also note that it runs in a direction that we consider to be counter clockwise. Also, the numbers for 4, 9, 14, 19, and 24 are not what we consider correct for Roman numerals. The position of 1 is at the bottom, not the top. Interesting.”   Thanks to John Mathews, Mississauga, Ontario.

50. New Italian Police Car  “Look at the plates - it looks like they have a number of such machines. People who hope that Italians have damaged their ONLY Lambo should rather control their mirrors more often :)”   Thanks to Waldemar Rafalski.

51. Katoomba Railway  “The Katoomba Railway is NOT the steepest incline railway in the world at 52 degrees. The Lookout Mountain, Tennessee Incline Railway at 72.7 degrees is the steepest. It was built in 1895 and is still operating. www.ridetheincline.com”   Thanks to Jay A. Morgan, Fort Payne, Alabama.

52. August 2010 Trivia  “It definitely happens more often than every 823 years. The last month that had 5 Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays was March 2009. The next one is May 2011. The last time it happened in August was in 2004 and will happen in August again in 2021. And since there are 7 months that have 31 days, and 7 possible starting days for the month, you can actually expect that a month beginning on a Sunday and containing 31 days would happen, on average, once per year. And it will happen on average every 7 years in August, depending on how the days fall on a leap year.”  Thanks to Heath Countryman.

53. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.   FALSE! “In live film and a show that aired on the National Geographic Channel (The Whale That Ate Jaws), it's shown that orcas will kill a shark by holding them upside down, producing a state called tonic immobility that causes the shark to cease all struggles and go completely still. Since sharks need to continuously swim in order to move water through their gills and breathe, the orca essentially suffocates the shark to death. In any event, it's more likely that a dolphin, such as an Atlantic bottlenose, would employ a torpedoing tactic, most likely to protect its podmates.”
Thanks to Emily. See also http://video.tiscali.it/canali/truveo/2258968856.html


54. Florida Golf Hazard  Snopes has an article about this...”  Thanks to Heath Countryman.

55. Katoomba Railway  “I noticed an error in your Post Note about the Lookout Mountain, Tennessee Incline Railway. Its steepest incline is given as 72.7 degrees, but it’s actually 72.7% grade, which is arctan(72.7/100) = 36 degrees. So Katoomba Railway has a steeper maximum incline at 52 degrees.”  Thanks to David Hines, Phoenix, Arizona.

56. Cheap Electric Car?  “This (Cheap Electric Car article) would be alarming if it were true, but it’s way off base (not unsurprising, since FoxNews is the source). Here’s a debunk.”  Thanks to Michael Sirois, Spring, Texas.


 

Recommended Humour Sites

1. Chris Johnson, "Dr. Laugh" - in demand as an MC for corporate and non-corporate functions. and much sought after as a public speaker. The Joe-kster highly recommends Chris and his hilarious stand-up comedy... laughter, humour and coaching at its best - bringing back  laughter in the workplace!

2
. Canadian Aptonym Centre (CAC): David Chapman, Dartmouth, Nova Scotia maintains a great site on aptonyms!

3
. Subscribe to receive joe-ks by email & receive the rest of our recommended humour (and humor!) sites...

 

CRAPPy Idea Submissions

1. "Changing Really Annoying Phrases - Permanently", "Canadians Really Are Pathetic Politicians",  "Can Residents Accept Phrase Phase",  "Changing Rules - Adjusting Pathetic Phrases":  thanks to ImmobileLobster

2. "Certified, Ratified and Patent Protected":  thanks to Deborah Evans

3. "Cynical Rhetorical Authentic Pontificated Promises":  thanks to Roy Nielsen


4. "Criminals Rarely Appreciate Police Protection":  thanks to George Davey

5. "Clerics Ranters Antagonists Prophets & Pyromaniac's":  thanks to Roy Nielsen

6. "Clichéd, Repetetive and Positively Platitudinous!":  thanks to Shane Donnelly

 

 


 

Signs of the Times Submissions
How to attract customers with attention-getting signs...

1. Septic Tank Truck #1: "Get flush with us.", Lawyer #1: "We do trials for errors." & Car Mechanic #1: "Come see us if you need a brake."  Thanks to Byron Eldridge.

2. Septic Tank Truck #5: "
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels. Thanks to Shawn Kennedy.


3. Exterminator's Truck: "We make money the old-fashioned way. We kill for it.", Countryside Fence: "The bull can cross the field in 4.7 seconds. Can you?" & Men's Restroom #8: "You can squeeze it, you can shake it, you can bang it on the wall, but it's always in your pants that the final drop will fall. Thanks to Kirk Lowry.

4. Dry Cleaner's Shop #3: "
We'll clean for you. We'll press for you. We'll even dye for you.", "
'We Offer Pizza and Quiet" & "Would you like syrup on your pancreas? Thanks to Phoebe Moll.

5. Apartment laundry room sign: "
Please be courteous and remove your clothes promptly.Thanks to Jim Sutton, Mount Morris. New York.


6. Apartment stairwell sign: "
No urinating or defecating in stairwells by human or animal is not permitted.Thanks to Kevan Brownson, Peterborough, Ontario


7. Funeral Home: "
When business is good, we can't brag. When business is bad, we can't complain!Thanks to Mike & Pam Dulin.

 

Tongue Twister Submissions

1. "How much ground would a groundhog grind if a groundhog could grind ground. A groundhog would grind all the ground a groundhog could if a groundhog could grind ground".  Thanks to Mark Burnand.

2. "Shook's snapshot studio shall show some sharp snapshots soon" & "Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick".  Thanks to Wayne Nowazek.

3. "i split a sheet   a sheet i split   upon the splitted   sheet i sit".  Thanks to Kyle Burke.

4. "Someone who doesn't know anything but knows he doesn't know anything, knows more than someone who doesn't know anything and doesn't know he doesn't know anything".  Thanks to Idske Mulder.

5. "Strict strong Steven Stringer snared slickly six sickly silky snakes".  Thanks to Roy Jones, Bendigo Australia.

 

Knock Knock  Submissions

1. Knock, Knock...   Who's There?   I'm A Pileup   I'm A Pileup Who?   You are? What a bum deal...  Thanks to Rod Ewert, Abbotsford, B.C.


2. Knock, Knock...   Who's There?   Glad   Glad Who?   Glad you're my Dad!
Knock, Knock...
   Who's There?   Fun   Fun Who?   Fun you're my son!
Knock, Knock...
   Who's There?   Rad   Rad Who?   It's Rad that you're my Dad!
Thanks to Brent Hale, Orem, Utah.
 

3. Knock, Knock...   Who's There?   Kandice   Kandice Who?   Kandice dog do any tricks?  Thanks to Elisha Doss.


4. Knock, Knock...   Who's There?   Oscar   Oscar Who?   What Oscar? Did you cut yourself?
Knock, Knock...
   Who's There?   Andrea   Andrea Who?   I had Andrea-m about you! Let me  in!
Knock, Knock...
   Who's There?   Drew   Drew Who?   Look - I Drew you a picture!
Knock, Knock...   Who's There?   I C A Q.T.   I C A Q.T. Who?   I C A Q.T. through the window.
Knock, Knock...
   Who's There?   I.C.   I.C. Who?   You tell me!
Knock, Knock...
   Who's There?   Q.T.   Q.T.?   You're my one and only Q.T.
Knock, Knock...
   Who's There?   Y.R.U.   Y.R.U. Who?   Y.R.U. asking all those questions?
Thanks to Andrea Jónsdóttir, Reykjavik, Iceland.

 

Pangram  Submissions

1. Two Perfect Pangrams:   "B, C, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, O, P, Q, S, T, V, W, X, Y, and Z rule!" & "Jew Zack Fox bumps DQ RV nightly"  Thanks to Allen Schoessler.

2. Three Perfect Pangrams:   "Bronx TV JFK quiz aged cwm sylph", "TV quiz J.K. McGaw fed Bronx sylph" & "Fly, vex whiz: jam struck bong PDQ"  "Bronx TV JFK quiz aged cwm sylphMeaning: A set of questions about the thirty-fifth President of the United States broadcast in images from New York City's northernmost borough made a valley-dwelling slender woman get older;   TV quiz J.K. McGaw fed Bronx sylphMeaning: Cross-dressing eccentric person John Kenneth McGaw provided food to a slender woman from New York City's northernmost borough;   Fly, vex whiz: jam struck bong PDQMeaning: Urging a winged insect to annoy an expert because some fruit spread rapidly collided onto a marijuana smoking device.   Pretty convoluted, I know - but fun all the same!"  Thanks to Adam Stolfi.
 

Aptonym  Submissions

1.  "Dr. John E, Foote (Ret.) - Podiatrist"  Thanks to Kevan Brownson, Peterborough, Ontario.

2.  
"Martine Froget - French woman teaching English"  "Since the beginning of my career my students have nicknamed me Froggy or with a pun: 'Froget me not'."  Thanks to Martine Froget, Lyon, France.

3.  
"Dr. Ake, Dr. Bonebreak, Mr. Wilt"  "Dr. Ake - Internal Medicine; Dr. Bonebreak - Orthopedic Surgeon; Mr. Wilt - Florist"  Thanks to Norma Biesecker.

4.  
"Dr. Keith Bever"  "Dr. Keith Bever, Orthodontist, Alma, MI"  Thanks to Wynne Noble Potter.

5.  
"Leslie Kern"  "Typographical expert, or typographer, or font expert"  Thanks to Bill Wilt.

6.  
"Dr. Sherwood B. Fein, Seattle ob/gyn
Kingston Ferry: Puget Sound boat pilot
Rocky Rhodes: Soda jerk
Howdy Pipples: Maitre D'Hotel
Imogene Stitely: Fashion model
Joshua Bunch: Comedian
Michael Juster: Audio technician
Wanda Knowit: Librarian
Frank D. Tails: Hospice worker
Phil Piper: Plumber
Phil Pager: Journalist
Phil Bouquets: Fire marshal
Bill Weiner: Collection agent
Morey Duzzit: Personal trainer
Neil Downs: Altar-boy
Howie Astor: Jewelry salesman
Scott Free: Defense attorney
Kathy Terpel: Hospital orderly
Don Todeschi: Day laborer
Skip Dietz: Weight trainer
Bob Shallow: Swim coach
Al Panista: Mountain guide
Duncan Swallow: Doughnut chef
Jody Kammul: Tobacconist
Gayle Fervor: Storm chaser
Opie Shaw: Fact checker
Ira Peet: Audiologist
Bea Muse: Psychologist
Paul Bering: Mortician
Polly Morphic: Biologist
Lotta Handel: Wedding planner
M.N. Thralled: Novelist
Nick Wallace: Pickpocket
Sam and Janet Evening: Broadway singers
Drew P. Lidz: Night driver
Moe Demarier: Party planner
Rhonda Way: Truant officer
Shanda Lear: Interior decorator
Axel Turner: Truck driver
Shelby Comerford: Drainage engineer
Ishmael Bow: Tennis player
Liz Turene: Dental hygenist
Evan Jellick: TV preacher
Asa Feller: Timberjack
Claude Knightly: Lion tamer
Sandy Schortz: Beach patrol
Justin Tyme: Safety officer
Jack B. Nemble: Firefighter
Jimmy Locke: Burglar
Ray Cleeves: Gardener
Amy Skyward: Astronaut
Hugh Matches: Interior decorator
Lon Moore: Gardener
Mariah Kuppel: Justice of the Peace
Evan Keilor: Psychoanalyst
Rick Shaw: Taxi driver
Rob U. Blind: Accountant
Stu Belcher: Camp cook
Teddy Fields: Farm worker
Milo Betz: Bookie
Cher Alike: Philanthropist
Yuri Lated: Genealogist
Richard and Fanny Tanner: Nudists
Portia Driver: Car sales
Aloiscious Gumtroo: Department-store Santa
Don Weenauer: Gay apparel
Howie Dewitt: Shop teacher
Cindy Jour: Call girl
Hiram Ketchum: Security guard

A 1960s MAD Magazine featured dozens of these, many with illustrations, including:
Lois D. Nominator: Math teacher
Mark Cards: Poker player
Philmore Seatz: Theater usher
Steve Adore: Dock worker
Lance Boyle: Dermatologist
Curt Manners: Private investigator
Marion Etz: Puppeteer
Frezia Asimov: Arctic Explorer
Andy Walker: Peruvian guide
Phelan McCracken: Proctologist
Elwin Deprise: Carnival shill
There is also a commercial sign, Harvard Square, Cambridge, MA, second floor window:
Dewey, Cheatham and Howe, Attorneys at Law
"  Thanks to Barry Nelson.

7.  "Sue Yoo"  "Lawyer - refer to http://www.sullcrom.com/yoosueh/"  Thanks to Drew Gilbertson.


8. “There is a magazine editor named Paige Dunn. I am not kidding.” refer to paigedunn.com Thanks to Stephen Stickel.

9. “How about an accountant named Rob D. Coffers. Thanks to John Mankos.



Books Never Written  Submissions

1.  "Forestry for Dummies" by B. E. Aver, "White House Ethics" by Bill Clinton, "My Two Terms as President" by Hillary Clinton, & "The Wild Years" by Al Gore.  Thanks to Kirk Lowry.

2.  "Training the Tiger" - By Claud Balls.  Thanks to Edward Presley.

3.  "Testing 1, 2 3." - By Mike Czech.  Thanks to Don Holleman.

4.  "Brown Stains on the Wall" - By Who Fung Pooh
.  Thanks to Tim Settlemyre.


5. “Alive or Dead” by Diddy Die. Thanks to Casey Steven.

6. “ “Yellow Streams” by I.P. Freely is one my mom always told me that is similar to some you have posted. Some from our church bulletin that set me looking for more: “Walking to School” by Misty Bus. “How to Check a Pulse” by Izzy Dead. “Where Have All the Animals Gone?” by Darin Dabarn as well as another by Hugo First: “Into the Lion's Den”. Another I recall vaguely from highschool was something like “Bridges of the World” by Sue E. Sidle. There are a lot of possibilities for books that she could write: “The History of Guns” or “A Guide To Pharmeceuticals” are two other inappropriate titles that come to mind.” Thanks to Stephanie Quinn.

7. “Hannibal Lecter in Russia” by Tudor Titov. Thanks to John Jones.

8. “Open Kimono” by Seymour Hair. Thanks to Robert St-Laurent.

 

Daffynition  Submissions

A. Germlish: "Last week I went to a training about Network Marketing, given by a very bright German man. He appeared to be a great speaker with an incredible sense of humour. Someone you could easily listen to for a whole evening, even if the subject wouldn't interest you. He started the evening saying: " I think it said in the announcement this training would be in English. I have to appologize there! I will do my best but since I'm German, I'm afraid this training will be in "Germlish"! Actually, his English wasn't all that bad..." Thanks to Idske Mulder.

B. Goat Roper and Goat-Rope  & Lexdysia: "The term 'Goat Rope'  is a derogatory term for a cowboy to infer that he is immature. Cowboys do not let their little boys rope cows; they let them practice on goats. Now can you imagine a half dozen little boys out trying to rope a goat? Kind of chaotic; ergo "a goat-rope.  'Lexdysia'  is "dyslexia" with the first two syllables reversed as a dyslexic person might read the word." Thanks to Newton G. Talley.

C. Age: "The time when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work." Thanks to Dave Longworth.

 

mondegreen  Submissions

A. "Bacon Soda" & "Mairzy Dotes": "'Bacon soda' for 'baking soda.' & 'Mairzy Dotes' - Words & Music by Milton Drake, Al Hoffman & Jerry Livingston, 1943; Recorded by The Pied Pipers, 1944. The lyric and guitar chord transcriptions on this site are the work of The Guitarguy and are intended for private study, research, or educational purposes only. Individual transcriptions are inspired by and and based upon the recorded versions cited, but are not necessarily exact replications of those recorded versions..." Thanks to Phil Lelle.


B. "Under Toad": "The word undertoad comes from the phrase Under Toad which was coined by John Irving in his book The World According to Garp." Thanks to Phil Lelle.


C. "I led the pigeons to the flag":  [of the United States of America] Thanks to Martha Henderson.

Bumper Sticker  Submissions

1. "'Tis better to remain silent...":   "Incorrect Bumper Sticker -  'It's better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.' This is a quotation by Samuel Johnson. The original reads: 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.' The meaning is much clearer with the addition of the words 'remain silent'."  Thanks to Jacqui Graham.

2. "Bumper Stickers":  "Doubt not your wife's wisdom. Look who she married!"   Thanks to Eddy Joyce.

3. "Fight for Peace" - Thanks to Christine Hoffman.

4. "I've got the time. I haven't got a watch!" "During an extremely heavy snowfall in Holland in November 2005, the traffic in Apeldoorn got completely stuck. That Friday Bert was going somewhere by car, and ended up standing still for a long time. Being bored, he started to look around and noticed the bumper sticker on the car in front of him: "I've got the time. I haven't got a watch!" Being a very relaxed person himself, he liked that bumper sticker very much. Then, after a while the car in front of him turned around and went back. Then he thought, "Yes, that's what I should do too! Let's enjoy this beautiful Friday and go home to the wife again and have a cup of coffee with her, instead of standing still all the time." And so he did..." - Thanks to Idske Mulder.

5.
"Happiness is loving a dog" (on upper Bumper Sticker) & "I love cats" (on ;ower Bumper Sticker) - Thanks to Lance E. Mulligan.

 

Oxymoron  Submissions

1. "Salacious Wife" "I have what I think is an original oxymoron for you.'  Thanks to Newton G. Talley.

2. "Help (as in from a Computer)" "My favourite Oxymoron stares at me every time I open a computer program and I was very surprised not to find it. It is the "help" function. Obviously the most contradictory of all when one calls for it.'  Thanks to Jack Russell.

3. "Exciting Cricket Match" "An Exciting Cricket Match?"   Thanks to Michael Robinson.

 

Mennonite Movie  Submissions

1. “A Reimer Runs Through It   Abe   Boyz in the Field   Charlotte's Wiebe   I Know What You Did Last Sunday   Indiana Johns and the Rempel of Doom   Missing in Auction   Pie-tanic   Revenge of the Herds   The Bad News Fehrs   The Bergens of Madison County   The Littlest Hairbraid   Top Bun   Young Guenthers”   Thanks to Abe Wall, Ontario, Canada.

2. “As Good as it Gets, Yet  Chariots of Kielke  Driving Miss Driedger  Friesen Willy  Gone with the Kielke  Klassen vs. Klassen  Lord of the Reimers  On Goosen Pond  Pulp Friesen  Quest for Zwiebach  Rempels of the Lost Ark  Saving Private Ryan Rempel  Steinbach Redemption  The Prince of Toews  Wiens World”   Thanks to Tara Rempel, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

3. “The Astronaut Farmer Sausage”   thanks to Phil Wiebe, Selkirk, Manitoba, Canada.

4.  Moby Dueck - “One day you'll smell ham where there be no ham ... aaaarr”   The Good, The Bad And The Ungers - “When you drash, drash, don't talk!"   Shinda's List - “I could shaved more...”   Gone with the Kielke - “Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a ham”   Thanks to David Elias, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

5. “RedeCop...  Fleisch...  Don’t Be Afraid of the Darp...  How to Eat Frieda Wiens”   Thanks to Kate Robinson (nee Elias), Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

6. “A Streetcar Named Yanka”,   “About Schmitke”,   “Bowling for Carmen”,   “Dances with Wolgemuth”,   “Groening in the Rain”,   “Rempel Without a Cause”,   “Some Like it Holy”,   “The Grapes of Voth”,   “Twelve Angry Mennos”,  “Unger Games”,  “Fleisch Gordon”  &  “Froesen”   Thanks to Chris Toews (Originator of the first Menno Movie List), Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.

7. “Fehr & Buhler’s Day Off” - thanks to Lou Reimer, Steinbach, Manitoba.


 

Newfie Term Feedback  Submissions
Do you believe the term "Newfie" is demeaning and derogatory to the people of Newfoundland, Canada?

 

1.  "The French from the old continent make up the same sort of jokes about the Belgians and the Belgians, of course return the compliment :
Q: Why do the French tell Belgian jokes?
A: Because they are the only ones the French can understand!

The English make up jokes about the Irish and vice versa The French-speaking Cameroonians make fun of English-speaking ones and so on.

The Newfie I am sure make similar jokes as the French from Quebec about those from New Brunswick, but who believes that the shortcomings of men are different from one region of the world to the other? It's simply funnier to tease your neighbour or your brother as you know there will be a reaction!

Q:Why does a wall collapse when a Belgian leans against it?
A: The cleverer yields first.
Alternatives to Belgians: A Frenchman/ Joe Defries / Martine Froget / an Irishman / a Newfie

Just change the name of nationality and many of those jokes work!!! Newfie/ French/ Irish You can even make it a family joke with the name of one member of the family! We never tease people we hate or despise or are indifferent to."
   Thanks to Martine Froget, France.


2.  "Read the article attached http://newfoundlandincanada.blogspot.com/2006/03/canadas-n-word-with-readings-from-book.html"   Thanks to Dean Maonder.

 


Fortune Cookie  Submissions

1.  "Trust him, but still keep your eyes open in bed." &  "You are a bundle of energy, always on the go in bed."  Thanks to Gail Mayo.

2.  "You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes in bed.",  "A girlfriend is like a bottle of wine, and a wife is like a wine bottle in bed.",  "Confucius say, "Virgin like balloon one prick, all gone," in bed.",  "You have an ambitious nature and will make a name for yourself in bed.",  "Now is the time to try something new in bed.",  "Everything takes longer than you think in bed.",  "Speed is no substitute for accuracy in bed.",  "Love is the triumph of "horny" over "smart" in bed.",  Everyone agrees you are the best in bed.; Life is not a struggle, it's a wiggle in bed.; Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs in bed.; If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic in bed.; Don't steal, the government hates competition in bed.; You would be wise not to seek too much from others at this time in bed.; Good things come in small packages in bed.

Thanks to Tsukasa Pham.


3.  "Behind every able man there are other able men in bed." (from my friend Dave),  "Traveling down south will lead you to unexpected happiness in bed.",  "You always know when to be kind and when to be assertive" in bed.Thanks to Travis H.

4. Be generous, and the favor will be returned within the week. Thanks to Ashley Carter, Greenville, North Carolina, U.S.A.

5. You laugh now, wait till you get home. Thanks to Lauren Coffey, Louisville, Kentucky, U.S.A.

6. You will always be surrounded by true friends. Thanks to Ryan Blackhawke.

7. Great things happen after having fun. Thanks to Gus Marx.

8. Happiness is contagious, scatter the seed. Thanks to HaiDang Tran, Washington State.

9. Inspiration within is waiting for you. It's time to go deep. Thanks to Brent Veltri, U.S.A.

10. A close friend reveals a hidden talent. Thanks to John Gutzeit, U.S.A.

11. Love is like war; easy to begin but hard to stop. Thanks to Ryan McKinney, Maryland, U.S.A.


Riddle  Submissions

1.  "A doctor and his son are critically injured in a car wreck. The doctor is taken to one hospital for surgery. The son is taken to a different hospital for his surgery.  The doctor performing the surgery on the son looks at the boy and says, "I cannot perform the surgery on this boy. He is my son." How can this be?"  Thanks to Jason Harding.

2.  "In marble walls as white as milk,  Lined with skin as soft as silk,  Within a fountain crystal clear,  A golden apple does appear,  No doors are there to this strong hold,  Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.  What am I?"  Thanks to Braden Evans.

3.  "Why is the sun hot?"  Thanks to KC Wegleitner.

Book Title  Submissions

1.  "Broken Window by Eva Brick" &  "Scary Place by Hugo First"  Thanks to Phil Forde.

2.  "Dirty Chinese Windows"   Thanks to Olivia Fernandez.

3.  "A la recherche du temps perdu by Daisy Mist"   Thanks to Bill Birtles.

4.  "Falling Off A Bridge by Ilene Dover"   Thanks to Julie Fortier.

5.  "The Smell in the Vatican" & "I Think I Love You"  Thanks to Paul Mansfield, Regina, Saskatchewan.

6.  “Bathroom Etiquette by Gunner Tinkle”   Thanks to Tom Didion, Clarkston, Michigan.

7.  “The Hungry Baby - By Nora Titoff”   Thanks to Debbie Wright, Maryborough, Victoria, Australia.

8.  “7 Ways To Kill Yourself With Shampoo”   Thanks to Katie Holzman, Washington, D.C.

9. “Race To The Outhouse” by Willy Makeit, illustrated by Betty Dont Thanks to Frank Martin, St Louis, MO USA

10. “The Man Behind The Bush by Izzy Naked”  &   “The Naked Lady by Willie Raper - thanks to Jennifer Selden, Essex Junction, Vermont, USA.

11. “Pause Behind A Pyramid“, Shorter Skirts“, Russian Lung Diseases“ - thanks to Olivia Ashley, Amsterdam, The Netherlands.


Sounds The Same  Submissions

1.  "A baker's compulsion: The need to knead."   Thanks to Carol Stephenson.

 


1.  "Welders do it in all positions."   Thanks to Susan Hickey.

2.  "Journalists do it Daily."   Thanks to Liz Tarnove.

3.  "Asians love you long time, Asians do it with yellow fever, Belly dancers do it with their hips,
Brazilians do it smoothly, Canadians do it with beavers, Catholics do it on their knees,
Czechs do it with mates, Czechs mate better, Ministers do it as a service, Ministers do it for others,
Ministers do it for the community, Muslims do it covered up, Polyglots do it with their tongues,
Scientologists aim for the stars, Scientologists do it with the stars, Volunteers do it for the community
"
Thanks to Denis de Carvalho.

4. “X-Ray techs do it in a darkroom, X-Ray techs do it with chemistry, X-Ray techs do it with different positions.” - thanks to Angela, Bronx, New York.

5. “Satanists do it for the hell of it.” - thanks to Brian Lineberger, Safford, Arizona.

6. “Machinists do it with automatic screw machines” - thanks to Ralph Tichrob, Amboy, Washington.

7. “Waiters do it patiently” - thanks to Neil G. McHardy, Palma de Mallorca, Spain.



Redneck Dictionary  Submissions

1.  "Tump."   Thanks to Mike.

 

 

Tom Swifties  Submissions

1. “Brain surgery is not so easy,” said Tom absentmindedly.
“Change That Nappie Now,” said Tom distinctly.
“Don’t give me any more crap,” said Tom dutifully.
“Felines should not have horns,” said Tom categorically.
“Global warming is the beast upon us,” said Tom allegorically.
“Guess who’s in her locket,” said Tom independently.
“Hang the meats in the window,” said Tom indelicately.
“He’s a good umpire,” said Tom superficially.
“He’s a naughty wooden doll,” Tom opined.
“I can only afford tropical fruits,” said Tom parsimoniously.
“I laugh if you touch my feet,” said Tom pedantically.
“I split my pants,” said Tom with some cheek.
“It might be an asteroid,” said Tom noncommittally.
“It’s finally Spring again,” said Tom with relief.
“Leonard must pull us out of the water,” said Tom officiously. (Oh, fish us, Lee)
“Let’s feed the dogs early,” said Tom waggishly.
“Look who’s there in the shadows,” said Tom with delight.
“Maybe I crashed my car,” said Tom indirectly.
“My prune-yard is the best in the world,” said Tom with aplomb.
“Only if you want more kids,” Tom ejaculated.
“Please be careful where you sit,” said Tom tactfully.
“Some day I’ll find a working enema,” said Tom undeterred.
“That rock star stole my act,” said Tom viciously.
“Their whole family went the same place,” said Tom clandestinely.
“They should hang all those guys,” said Tom condescendingly.
“They shred entire cars here,” said Tom with vehemence.
“This lime soda is even better,” said Tom spritefully.
“Way too many pickets,” said Tom indefensibly.
“We could fry chicken all night,” said Tom indefatigably.
“We have the entire set of maps,” said Tom with relief.
“We partied in the Greek Isles,” said Tom indiscreetly.
“Why not walk the dog,” asked Tom with some restraint.
“You could put your eye out with that thing,” said Tom humourlessly.
“Put on some clean clothes,” said Tom disdainfully.
“We were stuck in traffic,” said Tom ruefully.
“I accidentally knelt in the henhouse,” said Tom with some agony.
“This custom jacket doesn’t fit,” said Tom misbespokenly. “We played records instead of live music,” said Tom disconcertingly.
“Someone took all my pennies,” said Tom nonsensically.
“Now the jigzaw puzzle is complete,” said Tom peacefully.
“Those gloves are like stones,” said Tom heavy-handedly.
“We circled the block,” said Tom forthrightly.    Thanks to Barry Nelson, Jefferson, New Hampshire.

2. “Where’s the Viagra?” Tom asked pointlessly.   Thanks to Sue Moseman, Minneapolis, Minnesota.


Credits & Honourable  Mention - Part 1


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