19th Hole: The only hole on which golfers do not complain about the number of shots they took.
32 Bit Resolution: Motion to spend four dollars.
404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning the requested document couldn’t be located: “Don’t bother asking him, he’s 404.”
A Cappella: Just two, please.
A Manor Of Speaking: A man’s home is his castle.
AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink.
AALST: One who changes his name to be nearer the front.
Aardvark: 1. Aan aanimal thaat resembles the aanteater; 2. In the beginning was the word. And the word was ’Aardvark’.
Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can’t take it.
Abasement: 1. Where the furnace is; 2.A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.
Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.
Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning.
Abdicate: 1. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. Strenuous labour.
Ability: 1. A poor man’s worth; 2. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits.
Abligo: One who prides himself on not even knowing what day of the week it is.
Aboriginies: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.
Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
Absecon: An annual conference held at the Cobalt Hotel, Vancouver, for people who haven’t got any other conferences to go to.
Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record.
Absent-Mindedness: Searching for the horse you are riding.
Absentee: A missing golfing peg.
Absolute Pitch: Completely dark.
Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test.
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Abstract Art: 1. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
Abstract Artist: A person who draws his or her own confusions.
Absurdity: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Abundance: 1. Big party held in a bakery; 2. A social event held in a farm building.
Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem.
Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page.
Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense.
Accident: 1. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road.
Accidents: 1. An ironically twisted word: while people cause most accidents, accidents also cause most people; 2. Emergency teeth to temporarily replace those knocked out by mistake.
Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty.
Accord: A thick string.
Accordion: 1. An instrument invented by the man who couldn’t decide how big the one was that got away; 2. A stomach Steinway; 3. An instrument whose music is long drawn out; 4. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.
Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
Account: The husband of a countess.
Accountability: The mother of caution.
Accountant: 1. A noble insect; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas.
Accrue: People who work on a ship.
Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. the price tag).
Accute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.
Ache: Joint concern.
Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
Acid: Better living through chemistry.
Acme: Spots on the top of your head.
Acorn: 1. An oak in a nutshell; 2. Something painful on Dad’s toe.
Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.
Acquaintance: 1. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Acquarium: House of gill repute.
Acre: Someone with aches and pains.
Acrimony: The holy state of being married.
Acrobat: 1. The person who turns a flop into a success; 2. A flying creature that shows off a lot.
Acting: 1. An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing; 2. Acting is all about honesty - if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Actor: 1. A guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening; 2. A man who tries to be everything but himself; 3. A man with an infinite capacity for taking praise; 4. A person who makes $500,000 a year some weeks; 5. A man who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and say, “What a lovely view there is from this window.”; 6. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. A ham that can’t be cured.
Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him.
Actress: A person who works hard at not being herself.
Acupuncture: 1. A jab well done; 2. Waiting for a cure on pins and needles.
Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.
ADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an expert in computing.
Adage: To become older.
Adam: The first white slave.
Adam’s Rib: The original bone of contention.
Ad Hoc: Pawn shop advertisement.
Ad Libber: A man who stays up all night to memorize spontaneous joe-ks.
Adagio Molto: Thick shake.
Adam’s Rib: The original bone of contention.
Adamant: The very first insect.
Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
Addis Ababa: The torrent of incomprehensible gibberish which emanates from the loudspeakers on top of cars covered in stickers.
Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.
Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that’s not applicable to your area, about people you’ll never work with or issues you’ll never face.
Adminisphere: 1. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Provider of decisioAdministratiumns that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Administratium: Another of the heaviest elements known to man (see also Governmentium).
Admiral: 1. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking; 2. A general at sea.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Admissions Office: Where you’re taken to admit that you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during ’new student weekend.’
Admonition: 1. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe; 2. Friendly warning.
Adolescence: 1. An independent state, highly taxing yet often insolvent, located just beyond comprehension; 2. A period in which girls try to make little boys stop asking questions, and big boys begin; 3. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8. When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how; 9. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. When children start bringing up their parents; 11. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The age between hopscotch and real scotch; 16. The age between puberty and adultery; 17. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. The age when children try to bring up their parents.
Adolescent: 1. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. One who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.
Adoption: Growing in Mommy’s heart, not in her tummy.
Adorable: What you ring when you go visiting.
Adore: 1. To venerate expectantly; 2. The entrance to a house; 3. A device used to enable you to enter a room.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them.
Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old.
Adultery: 1. Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe; 2. Putting yourself in someone else’s position; 3. Democracy applied to love.
Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle.
Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children.
Advergaming: Marketing strategy of using video games in which products, brands & logos are placed in the game context to build familiarity.
Adverse: 1. Promotional jingle; 2. A poem that gets longer the more you read it.
Adversity: 1. The only diet that will reduce a fat head; 2. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then.
Advertisement: 1. The most truthful part of a newspaper; 2. What gets people on the brandwagon.
Advertising: 1. That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. 15 percent commission and 85 percent confusion; 3. The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before; 4. What you do when you can’t see somebody; 5. The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission.
Advertising Executive: Yessir, nosir, ulcer.
Advice: 1. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. The worst vice; 5. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it; 6. Pick up a new bad habit; 7. Two or more pieces of contrary angling information contained in a single phrase or sentence; 8. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson’ 9. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take.
Aerobics; A bouncy form of music-induced exercise, often led on video by sinewy women with stalled movie careers. Said to improve cardiopulmonary fitness of those who survive.
Aesophagus: The author of Aesop’s Fables.
Affianced: Fitted with an ankle ring for ball-and-chain.
Affluenza: The epidemic of shopping, overwork, stress and debt infecting America.
Afford: Popular type of car.
A-Flat Minor: The result of a piano falling down a mine shaft.
Afterbirth: When the hard part begins.
After-Dinner Speaker: 1. A fellow who rises to the occasion - and then stands too long; 2. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The guy who starts the bull rolling.
After-Dinner Speech: 1. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude.
Aftermath: 1. The period following algebra; 2. The horrible headache you have when you’ve finished the algebra test.
Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.
Afternoon Snack: The pause that refleshes.
Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.
Afrophobia: Fear of the return of 1970s hairstyles.
Age: 1. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. The time when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money.
Aging: 1. A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible; 2. A one-way street with no stoplights.
Agitato: A state of mind when ones finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
Agreeable Person: One who agrees with me.
Agent: Someone who believs an actor takes 85 percent of his money.
Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.
Agony of Defeat: What marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from.
Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.
Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space.
Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it.
Ah: (Southern) The thing you see with, denoting individuality. Usage: “Ah think Ah’ve got somethin’ in mah ah.”
Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.
Aibohphobia: The fear of palindromes.
Air: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
Air Conditioning: An invention for sucking the warmth out of the sensuous summer air, so that we might shiver in July and work through the season without dreaming of hammocks or lemonade.
Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.
Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Airline Executives: Soarheads.
Airplane: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.
Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use.
Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat.
Alabaster: A very nasty thing to say about Al.
Alarm Clock: 1. That which scares the daylight out of you; 2. A device that allows you to rise in the world; 3. Something that makes people rise and whine; 4. A device for awakening childless households; 5. A frightened timepiece.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Alas: Early Victorian for, “Oh, Hell.”
Alaska: 1. I will propose; 2. Miles and miles of miles and miles.
Album: A family rogues’ gallery.
Alcatraz: A pen with a lifetime guarantee.
Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach.
Alcohol: 1. A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets; 2. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. The only known substance that will make a woman beautiful when taken internally - by her escort.
Alcoholic: A person you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Alcoy: Wanting to be bullied into having another drink.
Aldclune: One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.
Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.
Alfred Nobel: A man who endowed the world with dynamite and prizes to discourage its use.
Algebra: Undergarment worn by female math teachers.
Algorithm: The Vice President of the Unites States of America attempting to sing doo-wop.
Alibi: Slip cover.
Alien: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
Alimentary Canal: The passage through the human body from which President Reagan’s ’trickle down’ theory of economics was based.
Alimony: 1. A man’s cash surrender value; 2. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. A one-man war debt; 4. A splitting headache; 5. Bounty on the mutiny; 6. Giving comfort to the enemy; 7 man’s best proof that you have to pay for your mistakes; 8. One more form of the guaranteed annual wage; 9. The high cost of leaving; 10. The high cost of loving; 11. The high cost of leaving; 12. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 13. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 14. When a bride continues to get wedding gifts after the divorce; 15. The fee a woman charges for name-dropping; 16. That which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried; 17. The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof; 18. Something which enables a woman to profit by her mistakes; 19. A mistake by two people paid for by one; 20. The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
All: (Southern) 1. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
Allege: A high rock shelf.
Allegro: One leg becoming longer than the other.
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third.
All-Nighter: Not getting up to pee.
Aloha: A sound you hear when someone with a deep voice laughs.
Alone: In bad company.
Alp: 1. One of a number of ski mountains in Europe; 2. A shouted request for assistance by an out-of-bounds European skier on a U.S. mountain (appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”
Alpha: The first letter in the Greek alphabet. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications (i.e. a Parthenon that fell on someone’s head). The first ’test version’ of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. It should never be loaded into your computer’s memory. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup.
Alpha-Bet: The first step in a career of gambling.
Altar: 2. To change through marriage; 2. Place where a man loses control of himself.
Altar-Boy: A type of bicycle accident.
Altar Ego: Obnoxious, conceited personality that is revealed by the seemingly modest groom when taking his wedding vows.
Altos: Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes”, “Bubba’s toes, ”, or “Dori-toes.
Alzeimer’s Advantage: New friends every day.
Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid only in cash - not by cheque.
Amateur Photographer: 1. A boy’s future; a man’s past; 2. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. The last refuge of the failure; 4. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered.
Ambiguity: The lack of clarity in speech. Or perhaps, something else.
Ambition: 1. Goaled rush; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Ambivalence: Two decides to every question.
Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.
Ambulance: 1. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is.
Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
America: 1. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there; 3. Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks; 4. A country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
American: 1. One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses; 2. A happy container of tinned food; 3. A man who is free to choose his own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead.
American Language: English run over by a musical comedy.
Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world.
American History: The replacement of the red Indian by red tape.
American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business.
American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.
Ammo Truck: A U.S.P.S. delivery vehicle.
Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.
Amnesty: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
Amniocentesis: Seedling needling.
Ampersand: Sand you won’t find at a beach.
Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting.
Anal: If the shoe fits, wear it!
Anal Probe: Something you shouldn’t share.
Anality: The act of being anal retentive over something.
Anally: Occuring every year.
Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works.
Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats.
Anatomy: Something that everybody has, but it looks much better on a girl.
Antarctic: Snowman’s land.
Antibody: Against everyone.
Antimony: 1. What you use to start a poker game; 2. Money inherited from your mother’s sister.
Applause: Applause before a speaker begins his talk is an act of faith; Applause during the speech is an act of hope; Applause after he has concluded is an act of charity.
Appetite: The one thing bigger than an overweight person's stomach.
Apple Computer: The fruit of rapid growth in a high-tech industry.
Appoint: The thing at the end of your pencil.
Aquadextrous: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Aqualibrium: The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (A) having to suck the nozzle; or (B) squirting himself in the eye.
Arahnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Anatomical: Joe-ks about the body.
Anatomy: 1. Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl; 2. The belly of a very small insect; 3. The study of heavenly bodies; 4. A class that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it really involves.
Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive.
Ancestral Pride: Going forward by backing up.
Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labour.
Anger: Momentary madness.
Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won’t let him do it at home.
Animal Rights: A loopy, well-intentioned activist movement that, in its extreme form, harbors more compassion for a captive circus elephant than for the hapless trainer on whose face it sits.
Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.
Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.
Annualism: Books written by authors who show off their powers of endurance by doing something odd for a year.
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.
Antarctic: Snowman’s land.
Ante Merediem: That’s why he’s my Uncle.
Anteater: A picnicker.
Antelope: 1. Why Grandpa won’t forgive Uncle; 2. Event involving two bugs who fall in love and run away together.
Anthologist: A lazy fellow who like to spend a quiet evening at home “raiding a good book.”
Antibody: 1. Against everyone; 2. Your Uncle’s wife.
Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.
Anticlimax: Why my uncle was good at.
Antidote: 1. The reason Mom’s sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Medicine that kills dotes.
Antifreeze: What happens to your mother’s sister when you steal her blanket.
Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money.
Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend.
Antique: 1. An object that has made a round trip to the attic; 2. Something no one would be seen with if there were more of them; 3. Something too old to be anything but too expensive.
Antique Collector’s Song: >“You take the highboy and I’ll take the lowboy.
Antique Furniture: What you get from living with children.
Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices.
Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. The old virtues.
Antisocial: Mother’s sister being friendly.
Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
Anxiety: The dizziness of freedom.
Apartment: 1. A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent; 2. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbour’s.
Apathy: Vigor mortis.
Apex: A gorilla’s old girlfriend.
Aphorism: Predigested wisdom.
Apocalipstick: What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house.
Apocryphal: A statement or story which is widely circulated, believed to be true, but probably isn’t. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. See also most of the information the government tells you.
Apologist: An expert in moon missions.
Apologize: 1. To lay the foundation for a future offense; 2. To repeat an insult with variations.
Apology: 1. Egotism wrong side out; 2. Laying the foundation for a future offence; 3. Politeness too late; 4. The attempt to escape punishment for a mistake.
Apparently: As either mother or father would do it.
Appeal: 1. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw; 2. When you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
Appearance: A glimpse of what is hidden.
Appeasement: The policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile, one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last.
Appendicitis: A modern pain, costing about $2,000 more than the old-fashioned stomach ache.
Appendix Girl: The kind that gets taken out.
Applause: 1. The echo of a platitude; 2. Two hands slapping each other’s faces.
Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Appoggiatura: Sorry, wrong number.
April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364.
April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly.
Apron: A large primate moving very fast on his feet.
Aquanaut: An astronaut with a leaky capsule.
Arab: A man who will pull down a whole temple to have a stone to sit on.
Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work for McDonald’s.
Arcade: A kind of lemonade served on Noah’s Ark.
Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores.
Archaeologist: 1. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The science of digging around to find another civilization to blame ours on; 3.A man whose career lies in ruins.; 4. A person who loves to live in the past; 5. The best husband a woman can have - the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Archaeology: A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down.
Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.
Archeologist: 1. An expert who knows all about curves; 2. A person whose career lies in ruins.
Archery: A collection of arches.
Architect: 1. Noah’s profession; 2. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.
Archive: Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard.
Ardcrony: A remote acquaintance passed off as ’a very good friend of mine’ by someone trying to impress people.
Ardelve: To make a big display of searching all your pockets when approached by a charity collector.
Are: (Southern) Possessive case of “we” used as a predicate adjective (?) Usage: See “Rats”
Arguing With A Woman: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Argument: 1. A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first; 2. Something that gets better when you don’t have facts; 3. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet; 4. An exchange of ignorance (see also Discussion - an exchange of knowledge).
Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.
Armed: Is a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
Armor: 1. A knight gown; 2. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
Armor Plates: Dishes that knights ate from.
Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder.
Aromatic: A rapid-firing crossbow.
Arpeggio: The story book kid with the big nose that grows.
Arrears: What we should wash behind.
Arrest: 1. What you take when you are tired; 2. What you need after running a marathon.
Arrested Development: Prerequisite for success as a radio DJ or a social satirist.
Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner.
Arse Antlers: A tattoo just above the buttocks, having a central section and curving extensions on each side.
Arson: 1. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. Our daughter’s brother; 3. A sure-fire proposition.
Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire, at least in a small way.
Art: 1. A house that tries to be haunted; 2. Like morality, art consists in drawing the line somewhere.
Art Gallery: Hall of frame.
Art School: A place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage.
Artery: Study of paintings.
Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.
Artichoke: 1. Strip tease with mayonnaise; 2. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started.
Artificial Insemination: 1. Copulation without representation; 2. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Problem is, human beings are really stupid.
Artisan Food: Food which is made by traditional, often labour-intensive methods and usually in small batches (rather than by large-scale factory processing).
Artist: What a television director thinks he is.
Artist's Model: Attireless worker.
Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until it’s too old to spank.
Artifical Insemination: 1. Impregnation without representation; 2. Procreation without recreation.
Artist’s Model: A girl unsuited for her work.
Artistry: A coterie of artists.
Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.
Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor.
Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe.
Aspersion: An Iranian donkey.
Asphalt: Rectum trouble.
Asphyxiation: What a surgeon does about an asphalt.
Aspire: Where dead donkeys are cremated.
Aspiring: A group of trainee secret service agents.
Assai: Just assai told you.
Assassinate: A hired killer finished lunch.
Assassination: the extreme form of censorship.
Assembly Language: Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C into...
Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9,876 times a day.
Asset: A little donkey.
Assistant: A fellow that can’t get off.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer’s current salary in estimating his own worth.
Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. Usage: “Don’t ast me so many question. It makes me mad.”
Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat.
Asthma: What you do if Dad says no.
Astronaut: A whirled traveller - the only man who is glad to be down and out.
Astronomer: Night watchman.
Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth’s surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging.
Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world.
Asymmetry: Where you bury dead people.
Atheism: 1. The religion devoted to the worship of one’s own smug sense of superiority; 2. A non-prophet organization.
Atheist: 1. A man who doesn’t care who wins the Super Bowl; 2. A man who has no invisible means of support; 3. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he can’t see; 4. A man who believes himself an accident; 5. One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble.
Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes.
Atoll: What you pay before you cross a bridge.
Atom: Male cat.
Atomic Ache: What you get when you eat Uranium.
Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.
Attair: (Southern) Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. Usage: “Pass me attair gravy, please.”
Attentional Blink: A brief period of inattention following the locating of a target item in a stream of visual stimuli.
Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
Au Pis Aller: I have to go to the bathroom.
Au Revoir: French leave.
Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.
Auctioneer: 1. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue; 2. One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art; 3. Old auctioneers never die - they just look forbidding..
Audience: A collection of people willing to pay to be bored.
Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.
August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December.
Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Australia: A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under.
Author: 1. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A person who is usually write; 3. A writer with connections in the publishing industry; 4. A person who can read and do imitations; 5. A man who lives on the royalties he expects; 6. A man you can shut up by closing a book.
Authorwritis: Writer’s cramp.
Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down.
Auto Erotic: Lusting after a Corvette.
Autobiography: 1. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. An I-witness account; 3. A history of cars; 4. Fiction written by someone who knows the facts; 5. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 6. An obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.
AUTOEXEC.BAT: What you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula.
Automate: Robot’s best friend.
Automated: A couple making love in a car.
Automation: 1. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all.
Automobile: 1. A guided missile; 2. A payment plan on wheels; 3. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead; 4. A machine that runs up hills and down people.
Autonomy: What there will be if I gain another 1,800 pounds.
Autumn: A second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Avail: 1. Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly; 2. Lace covering for the face.
Avalanche: 1. A mountain getting its rocks off; 2. One of the perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport (i.e. Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse).
Avalanche!: A shout to alert people ahead that a hill is coming down the hill.
Avenge Yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad.
Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ joe-ks.com …
Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward.
Average Man: 1. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. One who thinks he isn’t; 3. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man.
Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.
Aversion: One side of a disputed story.
Aviary: 1. The place where aviators sleep; 2. A house of trill repute.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Avoidance: A dance for people who hate each other.
Avowal: a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.
Awe: 1. Wow of silence; 2. Showing respect with your mouth wide open.
Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs.
Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.”
Axiom: 1. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. A statement that noone but George Bernard Shaw can contradict.
Axis: Cabs without ires, runks, and ransmissions.
B Flat: An apiary.
B-Negative: A pessimist’s blood type.
B.A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… backwards.
Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning.
Babies: 1. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. Little rivets in the bonds of matrimony; 3. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing.
Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry.
Baby: 1. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. An inhabitant of Lapland; 4. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. Dad, when he gets a cold; 6. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 8. Something that gets you down in the daytime and up at night; 9. A perfect example of minority rule; 10. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42; 11. God’s opinion that the world should go on; 12. Mother’s little yelper; 13. A perfect example of minority rule.
Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam.
Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons.
Babysitter: 1. One who accepts hush money; 2. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers; 5. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl.
Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets.
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
Bachelor: 1. One who treats all women as sequels; 2. A chap who believes it’s much better to have loved and lost than to have to get up for the 2 A.M. feeding; 3. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who has only himself to blame; 5. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life - himself; 6. A guy with just a single thought: staying that way; 7. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free; 8. A man who can be miss-led only so far; 9. A man who can get out of bed from either side; 10. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. A man who can pull on his socks from either end; 13. A man who can take a nap on top of the bedspread; 14. A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who hasn’t made the same mistake once; 17. A man who looks, but does not leap; 18. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who tries to avoid the issue; 20. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man who wouldn’t take yes for an answer; 23. A man who would rather cook his own goose; 24. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. A guy who didn’t have a car when he was young; 30. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The most miss-informed man in town; 32. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. A selfish, inconsiderate rat who is depriving some deserving woman of her rightful alimony; 34. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony; 35. A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 36. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 37. A man who has taken many a girl out but has never been taken in; 38. A thing of beauty and a boy forever; 39. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit; 40. The only man who has never told his wife a lie; 41. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable; 42. A rolling stone who gathers no boss; 43. A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both; 44. A young man who has perfected the delicate art of avoiding the issue; 45. A man who believes in wine, women and s’long; 46. A man who goes through life without a hitch; 47. One who never Mrs. a girl.
Bachelor Girl: A girl who is still looking for a bachelor.
Bachelor’s Life: Just one un-darned thing after another.
Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters.
Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
Back Four Seconds: What a clock does when it’s hungry.
Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.
Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.
Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.
Backbiter: A mosquito.
Backgammon: Game that pigs play.
Backseat Driver: A driver who drives the driver.
Backup: Sleeping face down.
Backup Disk: Spare Frisbie.
Backward: Entrance at rear of hospital.
Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.S.A.
Backward Poet: One who writes inverse.
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria.
Bad Decisions make good stories.
Bad Driver: The person you run into.
Bad Girl: Nothing but a good girl found out.
Bad Husband: The only thing that beats a good wife.
Bad Luck: To have thirteen people seated at the table when you’re paying for the drinks.
Bad Taste: Simply saying the truth before it should be said.
Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business.
Badaptation: A bad movie version of a good book
Badify: To make something worse.
Badmutton: Game played with the butcher.
Bagatelle: The lady speaks.
Bagdad: What mother did when she met father.
Bagel: An unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis.
Baggage Claim: The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area.
Bagpipes: The original Scotch high bawl.
Bahs: (Southern) A supervisor. Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”
Baile Funk: A style of fast dance music with hard-edged vocals, originating in Brazil, and with lyrics characterized by the ethos of the favelas (or the slums) of Rio de Janeiro.
Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
Baiting The Hook: A catchphrase.
Baker: A person who kneads the dough.
Baking: Monarch of San Francisco.
Bakinmyday: A law passed in the early 1900s that made it mandatory to build all schools at least 15 miles from all future grandfathers.
Baklava: Very Greecy food.
Balanced Budget: When money in the bank and the days of the month come out together.
Balanced Diet: 1. What you eat at buffet suppers; 2. A cookie in each hand.
Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.
Bald Eagle: Large bird too vain to buy a hairpiece.
Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting callers, has only to straighten his necktie.
Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
Baldness: 1. Hair today and gone tomorrow; 2. Cure for dandruff.
Ballet: Dance performed to classical music in an elegant theater before tearful, enraptured wives accompanied by bored, distracted husbands.
Ballet Ruse: A Russian spy-dancer.
Balloon: A bad breath holder.
Balloonatic: A fellow who inflates balloons.
Ballroom: A nursery for crying babies.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
Bamboo: Eye-pleasing, but extremely expensive and difficult-to-maintain type of rod, used primarily by anglers who fish for compliments.
Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod.
Banana Peel: A golden slipper.
Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement.
Bandages: The Rolling Stones.
Band-aid: A fund-raiser for an orchestra.
Bandwidth: In computing: The amount of data that can travel through a circuit expressed in bits per second;
In high school: The girth of your tuba player.
Bank: 1. An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it; 2. A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.
Bank Robber: A guy who gets alarmed easily.
Banker: 1. A pawn broker with a manicure; 2. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A person who takes a lot of interest in his work.
Bankruptcy: 1. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. A fate worse than debt.
Banquet: 1. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it.
Banquette: The correct rules and behaviour to be followed when you meet your money lender.
Baptism: A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.
Bar Exam: 1. A test to determine just how old you really are; 2. A test to determine just how much you can hold.
Barbarian: A hairdresser called Ian.
Barbed Wire: A sarcastic telegram.
Barbeque: 1. Long line waiting to buy a popular doll; 2. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.”
Barber: 1. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 3. The town cutup.
Barber Shop: A hairport.
Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts.
Bard: (Southern) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
Bare: (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Barefoot Luxury: A high standard of service in a relaxed and casual setting as at a beachfront hotel.
Bargain: 1. A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays; 2. A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other; 3. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Something that’s so reasonable they won’t take it back when you find out what’s wrong with it; 6. When the local tavern keeper bets his tavern and loses.
Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.
Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another.
Baritone: Note emanating from Senator Goldwater, or from singer Manilow.
Barium: 1. What Doctors do when treatment fails; 2. What you do when CPR fails.
Barnstorming: Brainstorm for pullet-zer prize winners.
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
Barracks: Where cabarets and fine restaurants keep their bottles of wine.
Barstool: 1. What Daniel Boone stepped in; 2. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity.
Bartender: 1. A kind of plasterer; 2. The devil you sold your soul to; 3. A psychologist with really bad furniture; 4. A pharmacist with limited inventory.
Baseball: 1. A game in which you young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it; 2. A game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood; 3. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. A pane killer; 5. A business that can’t thrive without strikes; 6. Dance held on a military facility; 7. Three minutes of action crammed into three hours.
Baseball Dugout: A whine cellar.
Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away.
Baseball Umpire: An authority on diamonds.
Basketball: Dribbling rivalry.
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants.
Bassoon: 1. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you’re taking a hit off a water pipe.
Bat: An air-minded mouse.
Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. If you like pink water, use claws vigorously.
Bathel: To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you’ve only seen the TV series.
Bathing Beauty: 1. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. A girl worth wading for.
Bathing Suit: 1. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The little bit that isn’t bare; 3. A garment cut to see level.
Bathing Suit, Modern: Two bandannas and a worried look.
Bathroom: 1. A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning; 2. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing; 3. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”.
Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail.
Battle: A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
Baud Rate: Hourly charge at the sleazy motel.
Baughurst: A kind of large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small fierce, ugly dog.
Bawl: (Southern) What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Usage: “That gal cain’t even bawl water without burnin’ it.”
Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants.
BBS: Tall tales told by insects that give honey.
Beach: A place where people lie upon the sand about how rich they are in town.
Beach Erosion: A case of bad tidings
Beans: Actor’s caviar.
Bear Market: A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
Beast: A man being sued for divorce.
Beatnik: Santa Claus, the day after Christmas.
Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street.
Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.
Beautimus: Beautiful and gorgeous.
Beauty: 1: A pretty, effective substitute for brains; 2. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband; 4. An aesthetic radiance that delights the soul; 5. A quality much admired in women, landscapes and tropical fish, but curiously out of favour in art throughout the modern era; 6. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
Beauty Contest: 1. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Where the talk alone is enough to curl your hair.
Beauty Parlor: 1. A place where women curl up and dye; 2. A place where everybody knows your MANE.
Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before.
Becalm: An insect on Ritalin.
Because: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists.
Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Bedrock: Any rocks you find in your bed.
Bee: A buzzy busybody.
Beehive: An order given by bees to their misbehaving children.
Beer: 1. A high and mighty liquor; 2. An intoxicating golden brew that re-emerges virtually unchanged one hour later; 3. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing.
Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00 AM.
Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.
Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3 ... First music score.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.
Before: What two plus two be.
Beggar: One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
Begin: Alcoholic beverage drunk by bees.
Beheading: A little necking overdone.
Belch: An after-dinner speech.
Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of how important it is to know the language you are speaking.
Belly Dancer: A ballet dancer, spelled badly.
Belong: To take your time.
Below: Sing Bass.
Belper: A knob of someone else’s chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody’s thigh under their skirt.
Bench Mark: The worn place on a judge’s pants.
Benediction: A curse in reverse.
Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.
Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man.
Benign: 1. What an eight-year-old will be on next birthday; 2. A common call on Bingo night.
Bent: The species of grass most often found on greens.
Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.
Bepton: One who beams benignly after burping.
Bereft: To miss the last plane to Japan.
Berets: What French people put in fruit pies.
Bernadette: Torching a mortgage.
Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you.
Bestow: A monster’s pedal digit.
Beta: 1. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. “Broken, but let’s hand it out to customers anyway.” The first “test” version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release.
Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market.”
Betrayed: Ready to go through the cafeteria line.
Betroth: To ring a belle.
Bewilder: An insect who forgot to take his Ritalin.
Bible: A male cow that swings both ways.
Bibliomania & Bibliolatry: Symptoms related to “Overdue Excuses Awards for Library Books”
Bid: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Bid Opening: Apoker game in which the losing hand wins.
Bide: Past tense of buy.
Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe.
Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.
Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore.
Big Shots: Little shots who keep shooting.
Bigamist: 1. An Italian fog; 2. A man who keeps two himself; 3. A man who makes the same mistake twice; 4. A person who took one too many; 5. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. One who marries twice in a wifetime.
Bigamy: 1. When a fellow loves not wisely - but two well; 2. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When one loves not wisely, but too well; 4. Two rites that make a wrong; 5. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife; 7. Little Amy’s mom.
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Bigotry: One of the California redwoods.
Bikini: Baiting Suit.
Bikini Underwear: Scanty Panty.
Bill Collector: 1. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.
Bilious: That nauseated feeling you get when you open the mail the first of the month.
Billboards: Litter on a stick.
Billow: What you sleep on when you have a bad cold.
Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife.
Binary: Someone who likes both men and women.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium.
Biology: 1. Study of shopping habits; 2. A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.
Bird House: Home Tweet Home.
Birth: The beginning of death.
Birth Announcement: A stork quotation.
Birth Control: 1. Evasion of the issue; 2. An issue that attempts to avoid the issue; 3. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
Birth Control in Prague: Cancelled Czechs.
Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.
Birthing: Giving birth, esp. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates.
Birthquake: A woman’s contractions during labor.
Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.
Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands.
Bishop’s Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.
Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school
Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if McDonald’s finds out you’re copying its burger.
Bit: 1. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in “This computer cost quite a bit.”
Bitch: A female of a dog or vice versa.
Black Eye: A stamp of disapproval.
Blackmail: A letter dropped in a mud puddle.
Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer.
Blades: Why grass is dangerous.
Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married.
Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves.
Blank Verse: Poetry made out of your head.
Blasphemy: What the mine foreman told the miner to do with the dynamite.
Blazer: A jacket that is on fire.
Bleeve: (Southern) Expression of intent or faith. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.”
Blew: Colour of the wind.
Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight.
Blinky-Eyed: How you get when you’re trying to ignore the bed’s call.
Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.
Blithbury: A look someone gives you which indicates that they’re much too drunk to have understood anything you’ve said to them in the last twenty minutes.
Blizzard: 1. A storm that winterrupts traffic; 2. When it snows sideways.
Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Or MicroSoft Word.
Block: The distance between some people’s ears.
Block Diagram: Schematic gibberish.
Blonde: An established bleachhead.
Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them.
Blood: The ink of our life’s story.
Blood Count: Dracula.
Blood Brother: Dracula’s closest relative.
Blotter: Something you look for while the ink dries.
Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed.
Blowtensil: A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer.
Blue Jeans: Very depressed chromosomes.
Blueprints: Dirty films.
Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur.
Blunderbuss: Kissing the wrong girl in the dark.
Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking.
Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly.
Blurt: To speak the truth.
Blushing: The colour of virtue.
BMWs: Bitchers, moaners and whiners.
Boaster: A person with whom it is sooner done than said.
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.
Boat Anchor: 1. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don’t; 2. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea.
Bob War: (Southern) A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said.
Bobcat: A Halloween game played by dogs.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
Body Snatcher: A robber of grave worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.
Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty.
Boiled Egg: Hard to beat.
Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do.
Bombastic: A long, thin explosive, like dynamite.
Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one.
Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up.
Bone Voyage: Archaeological trip.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Bonus: What dogs gnawed in ancient Rome.
Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
Booby Trap: A brassiere.
Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.
Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent.
Book Censor: A person who reads so much he gets asterisks in front of his eyes.
Book Ends: The part of a book many girls read first.
Book Jacket: A fable of contents.
Book Review: A brief but informative essay that spares readers the ordeal of digesting an actual book.
Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books.
Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
Bookie: 1. A fellow who makes his living off bet bugs; 2. A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.
Books Never Written
Bookworm: A person who would rather read than eat, or a worm that would rather eat than read.
Boomerang: A working model of poetic justice.
Boomerang Workers: Retirees returning to their previous employer.
Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures).
Bootician: A helper at a shoeshine parlour.
Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.
Borderline Obese: Won’t fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth.
Bore: 1. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. A guy who is here today and here tomorrow; 4. A guy who keeps the conversation ho-humming; 5. A guy with a one crack mind; 6. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. A person who has flat feats; 8. A person who knows the same stories you do; 9. One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself; 10. One who is interesting to a point - the point of departure; 11. One whose shortcoming is his long-staying; 12. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A person who has nothing to say and says it; 16. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. A person who takes his time taking your time; 18. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who is too generous with his time; 20. A person who talks when you wish him to listen; 21. Someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting.
Bored: To attend meetings.
Borrower: 1. A man who tries to live within your means; 2. One who exchanges hot air for cold cash; 3. A person who always wants to be left a loan.
Borscht: Beet soup with high blood pressure.
Boss: 1. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. The guy who watches the clock during the coffee break; 4. A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it.
Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.
Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin.
Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted.
Botulism: Tendency to make mistakes.
Boudoir: Room for improvement.
Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship.
Bow: A fidlestick.
Bow Wow: A TV performer’s low-cut dress.
Bowel: Letters like A, E, I, O, U.
Bowling: Marbles for grown-ups.
Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.
Boxing: 1. Guided muscle; 2. A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.
Boy: 1. A noise with dirt on it; 2. A pain in the neck when he is around… a pain in the heart when he isn’t.
Boycott: 1. Bed for a male child; 2. His crib - not hers.
Bozone Layer: The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
BP: Company in Gulf of Mexico that turns your barbecue into a tarbecue.
Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.
Braggart: 1. A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind; 2. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it.
Bragging: The patter of tiny feats.
Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. Blind/Braille Sudoku).
Brain: 1. The apparatus with which we think we think; 2. The thing you are forced to use if you haven’t much formal education; 3. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.
Brain Fart: 1. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. A burst of useful information.
Brains: 1. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else; 3. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
Brainstorm: To feign preparedness.
Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a head-full all the time. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it.
Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. (see P-Brane).
Brassiere: 1. A bust stop; 2. A bustblocker; 3. The original anti-gravity device; 4. A device to bring out a girl’s best points.
Brat: A child who displays his pest manners.
Bread: 1. Rises without ever sleeping; 2. Raw toast.
Breaking The Seal: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Breast Implants: A close chemical relative of Silly Putty.
Breath: What winners of a race lose.
Breeding: 1. The quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service; 2. Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy.
Bribery: Using money as a blindfold.
Bride: 1. A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold; 2. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Bridegroom: 1. A wolf who paid too much for his whistle; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation.
Bridge: 1. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding.
Bridge Partner: A person who is undesirable if he has a one-trick mind.
Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball.
Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day).
British: Germans pretending to be French.
British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world.
Broadband: An all girl musical group.
Broad-mindedness: 1. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Broadcast: Seeing how far you can toss a woman.
Broadway: 1. America’s hardened artery; 2. A place where people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.
Brochure: A handbill with kid gloves.
Broker: What my broker has made me.
Bronchitis: Fear of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl again.
Broom: Witch craft.
Brothel: Home is where the tart is.
Brotherhood: Your brother, the crook.
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Bruise Lee: Inept martial-arts student.
Brute: See Husband.
Brute Force: When your brain doesn’t work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies.
Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person’s intelligence.
Bubblegum: Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
Buckboard: The price of lumber before inflation.
Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.
Budge It: If stuck with your debt, you can’t do this.
Budget: 1. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A mathematical confirmation of our suspicions; 3. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. An attempt to live below your yearnings; 5. An orderly system of living beyond your means; 6. Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went; 7. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn’t keep you from spending more; 8. A schedule for going into debt systematically; 9. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up; 10. What you cannot do to an immovable object; 11. A way of going broke methodically.
Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt.
Budle: To fart underwater.
Buffalo: A greeting between two nudists.
Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn’t have enough chairs for everybody.
Bug: 1. What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny screen for more than 15 minutes; 2. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
Bugless Program: An abstract theoretical concept.
Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bulldozer: 1. Sleeping bovine; 2. Someone who can sleep through a campaign speech.
Bulldozing: Going to sleep during a political speech.
Bulletin: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily; 2. Catholic air conditioning; 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
Bum: 1. A chap who is jugged by the company he keeps; 2. A man who has lived down to his own ideals; 3. A man-about-town.
Bumblebee: A hum bug.
Bumper Crop: Pedestrians who land in the hospital because of automobile accidents.
Bumpkin: 1. To jostle a relative; 2. Your brother, the Redneck.
Bun: The lowest form of wheat.
Buoyant: 1. Male insect; 2. An ant’s son.
Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.
Bureaucrat: 1. A politician who has tenure; 2. A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
Burgacide: When a hamburger can’t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Burlesque Censor: A guy who always has a grind to axe.
Burned-Out Hippie: One who now takes antacids instead of acids.
Burp: Throwing up gas.
Bus: 1. A vehicle that has empty seats when going in the opposite direction; 2. Where a man will stand for anything but a woman.
Bus Driver: The person who tells them all where to get off.
Bushman: A male employee of President Bush’s administration.
Business: 1. The only thing which can be dead and still have a chance to revive; 2. Something which, if you don’t have any, you go out of; 3. The art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence; 4. The art of redefining honesty, fair dealing and acceptable profits.
Business Card: A tiny lie you can pick your teeth with.
Business Economy: 1. A reduction in the other fellow’s salary.
Business Forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about the present.
Business Lunch: Lunch.
Businessman: 1. One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line; 2. One who talks golf all morning at the office, and business all afternoon on the links; 3. An amateur gardener who does his spring digging with a golf club; 4. The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom.
Bustard: A very rude city bus driver.
Busybody: One born with an interferiority complex.
Butt: Female Interpretation: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger”; Male Interpretation: The organ of mooning and farting.
Butt Bra: A garment worn as a support for the buttocks.
Butterfly: Genetic experiment involving a bird and a goat.
Buttock: A cushion for the sitting room.
Buttress: A woman’s butler.
Buy A Replacement: The easiest way to find something lost around the house.
’Buy, Buy’: A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
Buzz Saw: A honey of a tool.
Buzzacks: People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected .
Buzzwords: The verbal equivalent of dressing for success in the business world, where a vocabulary that includes leveraging or incremental will lift your status as surely as a power suit or corporate suspenders.
By The Pound: How you pay for dirt.
Byte: First word in a kiss-off phrase.
C: A letter you can sail on.
C:BELFRY: Where I keep my .BAT files.
Cabbage: 1. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head; 2. How old the taxi is.
Cabinet: Device to catch a taxi in rush hour traffic.
Cabinet Maker: Counter fitter.
Caboose: An Indian baby.
Cache Memory: 1. Remembering how much you have spent; 2. A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.
Cackle: The commercial announcement of a hen.
Cad: 1. A man who doesn’t tell his wife that he’s sterile until she’s pregnant; 2. A term formerly applied to a man who would try to take advantage of a young girl’s innocence. He’s now called an optimist.
Caddie: 1. A boy who stands behind a golfer, and who didn’t see where it went either; 2. A golfing expert who loses balls for you in one round, so that he can find them for himself in the next; 3. A small boy employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself; 4. One of those little things that count; 5. Two women talking about a third who isn’t there to defend herself.
Cadence: Kay, a less-then-bright girl.
Cadillac: Lack of cattle.
Caesarean Section: District in Rome.
Cafeteria: From two Latin words: ’café’ meaning place to eat, and ’teria’ meaning to wretch.
Caffeind: Someone who really needs coffee.
Caffeine: One of the four basic food groups.
Calamity: A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to others.
Calcium: What Cal said when she saw ‘em.
Calculated Risk: A computer date with a girl who doesn’t take the pill.
Calculator: A product you can count on.
Calendar: An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.
Calendar Makers: A dating service.
California: A fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.
California Patriot: A man who derives a certain amount of satisfaction from getting almost killed by a Florida hurricane.
California Smog Test: Can UCLA?
Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Callous: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Calories: 1. Weight lifters; 2. Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
Camel: 1. An animal that looks as though it had been put together by a committee; 2. An animal that ruined its shape trying to get through the eye of a needle.
Camelot: Parking area for humped animals.
Camera: 1. An instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera; 2. A small but quite heavy object used by anglers to store small amounts of water and a canister of spoiled film.
Camouflage: Wise guise.
Camp: Where parents spend $1,000 for eight weeks to teach their son to make a 25-cent ash tray.
Campaign: A form of courtship in which rival suitors vie for the hand of a woman who has been wooed, won and abandoned countless times before.
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Camping: Nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
Can: The only place where salmon are sure to be found with any degree of certainty.
Can Opener: Key to the washroom.
Canapés: A sandwich cut into 24 pieces.
Cancer: 1. A family of insidious wasting diseases caused by virtually everything one eats, breathes or touches in the modern industrialized society; 2. The result of repression of anger, unlike Heart Attack which snuffs those who express their anger.
Candidate: 1. One who talks about public opinion until he’s defeated, then about herd ignorance; 2. A modest man who shrinks from the publicity of private life to seek the obscurity of public office; 3. A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
Candle: Lives on its own substance and dies when it devours itself.
Canis Kaboomis: A dog made of C4 explosive with a very large nose. Unwelcome at dog shows.
Cannibal: 1. One who is fed up with people; 2. A person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter; 3. One who loves his fellow man with gravy.
Cannon: An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
Canoe: An object that acts like a small boy - it behaves better when paddled from the rear.
Canopy: A specimen for your urologist.
Cantaloupe: Got to get married in Church.
Cantankerous: Able to drive a tank.
Cantaloupe or Canteloupe: Gotta get married in a Church.
Capital Punishment: 1. Most Ottawa cocktail parties; 2. Income Tax; 3. What a woman gets for marrying a Canadian politician; 4. Having to listen to your broker while he gives you a very technical explanation of why the stocks he promoted took a nose dive.
Capitalism: The extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
Capitalist: 1. One who thinks he must choose between being held up by native labour or being blown up by imported labour; 2. One who will do almost anything for the poor except get off their backs.
Capsize: Head measurement.
Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
Car Roofs: Car Roofs are to fishing as to what black holes are to outer space: whatever is placed upon them - even for a few seconds - get sucked into another dimension.
Car Sickness: The feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Caramel: 1. A motorized camel; 2. A substance for extracting children’s teeth.
Carbage: The trash found in your automobile.
Carbon-based Error: Error caused by a human, not a computer (which would be a silicon-based error).
Carbon Capture: The process of removing carbon dioxide from the points where it is normally released in large quantities (i.e. power plants), so that it can then be prevented from entering the atmosphere.
Carbon Footprint: Carbon dioxide emissions for which an individual or organization can be held responsible (i.e. by their travel, fuel consumption, diet & energy requirements).
Carbon Market: A market in which carbon credits are bought and sold.
Carbon Neutrality: A state in which an organization or country balances its carbon emissions against its carbon reductions to achieve zero net emissions of carbon dioxide.
Carbon Sequestration: The process by which carbon dioxide is removed from the atmosphere (i.e. naturally by plants in their growth; artificially by various means), and then prevented from returning to the atmosphere by the creation of products with long-term use (i.e. timber from forests), or by storing it in sealed reservoirs (i.e. by injecting it into underground geological formations).
Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Cardiology: The study of poker playing.
Career Girl: 1. One who gets a man’s pay by working for it; 2. One who is more interested in plots and plans than in pots and pans; 3. One who gets a man’s salary without marrying one.
Career Woman: One who goes out and earns a man’s salary instead of sitting at home and taking it away from him.
Careerism: The widespread belief that life offers nothing so sublime as the opportunity to climb two or three steps up the corporate pyramid over a period of forty years.
Careful Driver: 1. One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light; 2. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.
Caricature: The tribute that mediocrity pays to genius.
Carnation: Country where everyone owns a car.
Carpenter: 1. A guy who nails down his agreement; 2. A shelf made man.
Carperpetuation: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Carpet: 1. A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot; 2. A dog or cat who enjoys riding in a car; 3. Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
Carpetting: Making out at the drive-in movie.
Carrier Detect: “I see the mail man!”
Carry-on Bag: An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger’s seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says, the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide-screen projection TVs.
Cartographer: A guy who takes pictures of his car.
Cartoon: What you sing when driving your car.
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Cashew: A sneeze.
Cashews: The nuts you should hold out for if you’re currently working for peanuts.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftover leftovers.
Castanet: Primitive fishing method.
Caster Oil: First lubricant for wheels.
Castrate: 1. Market price for setting a fracture; 2. Hotel room cost for actors.
Castration: A eunuch experience.
Cat Scan: Searching for one’s lost kitty.
Catacomb: A feline grooming tool.
Catalogs: Little stores that arrive by mail until we have a shopping mall where our living room used to be.
Catalyst: 1. Several cows names written in alphabetical order; 2. What cats bring when they go shopping.
Cataract: Where cats hang their coats.
Catarrh: A popular stringed instrument.
Catastrophe: First prize at a cat show.
Catatonic: 1. Italian cat medicine; 2. What your feline drinks to get stiff.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
Caterpillar: 1. An upholstered worm; 2. A worm that’s rich enough to buy a fur coat.
Catholic: A person obsessed by felines.
Catkin: A cat’s aunt and uncle.
Catnapping: A kitten abduction.
Cats: Animals good at pfssst fights.
Catscan: Searching for kitty.
Cat’s Eye: A yes vote at a cat meeting.
Catsup: Where the cat goes when the dog chases it.
Cattails: What kittens like hearing at bedtime.
Catty-Corner: Where naughty kittens have to sit.
Catwalk: What cats in Asia cook with.
Cauliflower: A cabbage with a college education.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Cavalry: An assemblage of calves.
Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.
Celebrity: 1. A man who works all his life to become famous enough to be recognized - then goes around in dark glasses so no one will know who he is; 2. A person who is very much in the public’s eye and often gets in the public’s hair; 3. A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book; 4. The worst thing that can happen to an actor.
Celebutard: A not very bright celebrity. Frequently used to describe Paris Hilton & Britney Spears.
Celibate: An old refrain.
Cell Phone: How Amoebas communicate.
Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.
Cellulite: What the power company does.
Cemetery: 1. An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies; 2. A place people are dying to get into.
Censor: 1. A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to know; 2. A person who sticks his No’s into other people’s business.
Censorship: 1. Advertising paid for by the government; 2. The power of the suppress.
Censure: The tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.
Census Taker: A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
Cent: (Southern) Plural of cent. Usage: “You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn’t give fiddy cent for it.”
Centaur: A man with a horse where his pants ought to be.
Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn’t a vegetarian. Follow these rules carefully and you too can be a centenarian.
Center Of Mass: The Priest.
Centigrade: A mailed report card.
Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.
CEO: 1. Corporate Ego in Overdrive; 2. Chief Embezzlement Officer.
Ceremony: The invention of wise men to keep fools at a distance.
Certified Pre-owned Car: It was only driven by a Little Old Lady from Pasadena to Church on Sunday. Honest!
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chaining: A method of securing programmers to their desks to speed up their productivity.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Chairman: A person who introduces a person who doesn’t need an introduction.
Chairmaning: The art of being one up on the lecturer.
Chalk Fairy: Term used to describe mysterious police officers who feel the need to draw lines around the body and then disappear when investigators attempt to find out who contaminated the scene.
Chamber Of Commerce Executive: A man who will never admit he has seen better days.
Champagne: A beverage that makes you see double and feel single.
Champion: A fellow who gets licked two or three time a week and keeps right on calling himself a champion.
Chance: The pseudonym of God when he does not want to sign.
Chance Remark: Anything a man chances to say when two women are talking.
Change: 1. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a male is when he’s a baby; 2. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Channels: The trails left by inter-office memos.
Chaos: Three women discussing the two sides of an issue.
Chaperone: One who is too old to get into the game, but still tries to intercept the passes.
Chaperoning: A spectator spoil-sport.
Char: Common method of cooking over a campfire.
Character: 1. That which one is called if one doesn’t have any; 2. What a man is in the dark; 3. What you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.
Charity: 1. The sterilized milk of human kindness; 2. Bestowing on a poor man something he could otherwise fish from your rubbish can.
Charm: 1. The ability to make someone think that both of you are wonderful; 2. That indefinable something possessed by girls with stunning figures; 3. What one is told he has until he begins to rely on it; 4. Getting the answer ’Yes’ without asking a clear question.
Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.
Chateaubriand: Your hat is on fire.
Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.
Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.
Cheap Date: A guy who walks you to a drive-in.
Cheat On Your Diet - you gain in the end.
Checkbook: A book that tells you where you should go on your vacation.
Checkmate: 1. The gal you marry for her money; 2. A Bohemian wife.
Checkpoint: A location from which the programmer draws his salary.
Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.
Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.
Cheese: Milk’s leap toward immortality.
Cheesecake: A magazine with a beautiful girl on the cover - and no cover on the girl.
Cheetah: A cat who looks at another cat’s test.
Chef: 1. A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day; 2. An interior decorator.
Chemical Warfare: The eternal conflict between blondes and brunettes.
Cherry Cobbler: A virgin shoemaker.
Chess: 1. A game requiring patience, a mathematical mind, and a suit with two pairs of pants; 2. A game played on squares by squares.
Chewing Gum: Television for the teeth.
Chic: 1. A convent for unloved women; 2. Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
Chicken: An egg factory.
Chicken Coquette: A flirtatious hen.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Chid: A young person who does not wish to be referred to as a child or a kid.
Child Psychology: What children manage parents with.
Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, ’focus... breathe... push...’
Childhood: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drugs or weapons charge.
Children: 1. A great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too; 2. The greatest aid to adult education.
Chili: Edible weather.
Chilli Powder: Very fine snowflakes.
Chiropractor: A Doctor who works his fingers to the bone - yours.
Child: 1. A thing that stands halfway between an adult and a television set; 2. One who outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.
Child Psychology: The art of applying a soft pedal instead of a hard paddle.
Childhood: 1. A happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep; 2. A wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath.
Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.
Children: 1. Small people who are not permitted to act as their parents did at that age; 2. What men become when they get the flu; 3. Why’s guys; 4. Natural mimics who act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.
Chinchilla: Special device for cooling the lower jaw.
Chindia: China and India, considered as a unit (re their economic power and strategic importance related to the rest of the world).
Chinese Checkers: Airport Security at Peking.
Chinese Spy: A Peiping Tom.
Chip Shot: A short, low approach shot that gets a player into position for one or more missed puts.
Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.
Chips: The junk food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.
Chirpes: A canarial disease from kissing a canary.
Chivalry: 1. A man’s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself; 2. The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife; 3. The attitude of a man toward a strange woman.
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
Choosy Blonde: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won’t do.
Chores: Day to day household tasks which you and your spouse pledge to divide equally, but will end up being done by whoever gets fed up with filth the quickest.
Chortle: Small daily tasks.
Chortling: Taking care of small daily tasks.
Chorus Girl: One who never worries about getting ahead because she doesn’t need one.
Chow Line: The men behind the men… behind the men… behind the men.
Christ: A man who was born 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.
Christmas: 1. A time for exchanging a lot of things you can’t afford for a lot of things you don’t want; 2. A widely observed holiday on which neither the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present; 3. The season when we get the children something for their father to play with; 4. When the radios keep you awake till three in the morning playing “Silent Night”; 5. That time of the year when mother has to separate the man from the toys; 6. That time of the year when both trees and husbands get trimmed, and sometimes get lit up, too; 7. A season of anticipation, preparation, recreation, relation, prostration and recuperation; 8. A warm, cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail merchandise.
Christmas Shopping: 1. A time when we must get the children something for their father to play with; 2. Yulebesorry.
Christmas Spirit: Alchollydaze.
Chronic Grumbler: One who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.
Church: 1. An institution supported by the husbands of the members; 2. A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there; 3. The place where we encounter nodding acquaintances; 4. Man’s effort to keep a roof over God’s head.
Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.
Cigarette: 1. A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between; 2. A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other; 3. A flimsy paper cylinder packed with dried leaves and set afire for the purpose of inhaling the smoke and toxic substances produced therefrom; 4. An indispensable prop for tough-talking adults and aspirants to that status.
Cinder: One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.
Cinemascope: A wider scope of sin.
Cinnamon: Jamaican who broke the ten commandments.
Circle: A round line with a hole in the middle.
Circumference: 1. How I tell my landlord to come and collect his rent; 2. The knight who invented the round table.
Circumflex: A polite invitation for someone to show off his muscles.
Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Circus: 1. A group that carries on where politicians leave off; 2. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
Cistern: Opposite of brothern.
Citizen Journalism: 1. Journalistic reporting by bloggers who are not part of the established media; 2. Participatory journalism.
City Life: Millions of people being lonesome together.
City Paving: Something always on the up and up.
Civil Service: A commodity formerly obtainable in restaurants.
Civilization: 1. The progress from shoeless toes to toeless shoes; 2. A process whereby one generation finds the questions to the previous generation’s answers; 3. A scheme devised by women to get men to work for them; 4. A system under which a man pays a quarter to park his car so he won’t be fined a dollar while eating a fifteen cent meal; 5. Just a slow process of getting rid of our prejudices; 6. The advancement from shoeless toes to toeless shoes; 7. A limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
Clairvoyant: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
Clamburger: Burger made out of clam butts.
Clarification: To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.
Clarinet: 1. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarinet: two clarinets; 2. Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo.
Class Action: A stylish deed.
Class Reunion: 1. A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your own age are a lot older than you are; 2. Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.
Classic: 1. A book everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to read; 2. A book which people praise and don’t read.
Classical Jazz: Rock of ages.
Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.
Clean Mind: The result of brainwashing.
Clear Conscience: Poor memory.
Cleavage: 1. Something which excites disapproval in everyone but the audience; 2. The Parton of the ways.
Cleftomaniac: Low-neckline wearer.
Cleopatra: Queen of denial.
Clergyman: 1. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones; 2. A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.
Clergyman’s TV Show: “Parson-to-Parson”
Clever Investment: The one you failed to make.
Clever Woman: One who knows how to give a man her own way.
Clichés: Fixtures of speech.
Cliffier: One who reads Cliff Notes instead of real books.
Climate: What you do with a ladder.
Climate Canary: A significant change in the state of a geographical feature, a plant or animal species, or a human habitat, which provides an early warning of a climate change which will have more far-reaching effects (from the use of a caged canary in mines to indicate the presence of carbon monoxide, the canary being killed quickly and thereby warning the miners).
Climate Sceptic: A person who is doubtful that global warming is taking place or believes that, if it is, it is part of a natural cycle (as opposed to a climate realist).
Climatologist: An expert mountain climber.
Clinic: House of pill repute.
Clipboard: 1. Directors of the Enron Corporation; 2. Place you keep your ammo.
Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move): Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Clockroaches: Employees who spend most of their day watching the clock instead of doing their jobs.
Clockwise: A person who always knows what time it is.
Clone: Stuff for your face after shaving.
Clones are people two.
Closet: Storage areas in your new home which will be divided on an as-needed basis: 93% for you, 7% to your spouse.
Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
Clothestrophobia: What a nudist suffers from.
Cloud: What’s in front of every silver lining.
Cloud Bank: A place to save your money for a rainy day.
Clouds: The travelling mountains of the sky.
Cloverleaf: Crossroads puzzle.
Clown: A man who acts too natural.
Clown Shoes: Any item, person, or organizatin that can not be taken seriously.
Club: 1. Long bar of wood used to render fish senseless; 2. Place with long bar of wood where fishermen go to render themselves senseless.
Cluckography: Film shoot in a chicken barn.
Co-Cola: (Southern) The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. Usage: “Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia.”
Co-Operation: An exchange between a woman and a man in which she coos and he operates.
Coach: A fellow who will gladly lay down your life for the school.
Coaching: Eliminating mistakes before you get fired.
Coal: A lumpy substance that not only goes to the buyer, but to the cellar as well.
Coat Of Arms: What octopuses wear to formals.
Cobra: Bra worn by Siamese twins.
Cobweb Site: 1. A website that hasn’t been updated for a long time; 2. A dead web page.
Cock Fighting: Fowl play.
Cocktail: 1. An ice cube with an alcohol rub; 2. A drink to wet the appetite; 3. Drink make from a rooster’s rear end.
Cocktail Lounge: A half-lit roomful of half-lit people.
Cocktail Party: 1. A place where they serve yesterday’s leftovers and tomorrow’s hangovers; 2. A gathering where you spear olives and stab friends; 3. A place where they serve whisky on the knocks; 4. A place where you meet a lot of old friends you never saw before; 5. Where a handful gather a snootful and earful; 6. Where they cut sandwiches and friends into little pieces; 7. Where two and two make a bore; 8. Where you make new old friends.
Coconut: Someone that’s cuckoo for Cocopuffs.
Code Of The West: Shoot first, apologize later.
Coed: 1. A girl who also goes to college; 2. A girl who didn’t get her man in high school; 3. A moroff with less on.
Coffee: 1. Break fluid; 2. A person who is coughed upon; 3. A mud-brown beverage consisting of granulated tropical beans methodically dribbled into scalding water, and consumed in copious quantities for its power to produce a satisfactory level of nervous agitation.
Coffee Break: About the only break some workers feel they get.
Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
Cogito Eggo Sum: I think, therefore, I am a waffle.
Cogito Ergo Spud: I think, therefore I yam.
Cohort: A backup hort that switches in if the primary hort fails or goes on a coffee break.
Coiffure: A french word meaning “you’ll keep coming to us because you’ll never be able to do it this way yourself.”
Coincide: What most people do when it starts raining.
Cold: 1. An ailment cured in two weeks with a Doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it; 2. Can be caught but not thrown.
Cold Cash: What’s kept in air-conditioned banks.
Cold Feet: The ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be.
Cold War: 1. Hot peace; 2. The nightly battle between man and wife to secure and hold all the blankets.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Colleague: 1. Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame; 2. The person to whom one passes the buck.
Collection: A Church function in which many take but a passing interest.
College: 1. A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink; 2. Just a place to keep warm between high school and early marriage; 3. An institution where you learn how to use punctuation marks, but not what to put between them; 4. A four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone; 5. A place which just slows up your education by four years.
College Boy: 1. A young man who likes to be treated with kindness by his parents, but not unremitting kindness; 2. One who gets up at five every day all summer to carry milk, but can’t make an eight o’clock class all winter.
College Bred: A four-year loaf requiring a fearful amount of dough and seldom self-raising.
College Cheer: Money from home.
College Dean: A man who doesn’t know enough to be a professor, but who is too smart to be a president.
College Education: A four-year plan for confusing a young mind methodically.
College Graduate: A person who had a chance to get an education.
College Jock: Someone who minds his build instead of vice versa.
College Professor: A man who gets what’s left over after the football coach is paid off.
College Years: The only vacation a boy gets between his mother and his wife.
Colleges: Institutions which sometimes lower entrance requirements with an end in view - not to mention promising tackles and backs.
Colliefornia: The American state that has gone to the dogs.
Cologne: One of four Christmas gifts which you will be receiving from your wife every single year, now that you’re married.
Columnist: A paragrafter.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Comatose: When your foot falls asleep.
Comb: Has teeth but can’t bite.
Combat: Bat that like to fight.
Combustion: What takes place when there isn’t enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.
Comedian: 1. A person with a pun-track mind; 2. A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has; 3. A person who has a good memory for old joe-ks.
Comedy: The art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Comfort: A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbour’s uneasiness.
Comfortable: The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention - to sit down and look comfortable.
Comic: A person, who when he dies, is at his wits end.
Comic Books: Illiterature.
Comic Relief: When the life of the party goes home.
Comma: What a medium falls into.
Commendation: The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.
Commentator: 1. A talking spud; 2. An undistinguished potato.
Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
Commercial: 1. The din you love to shush; 2. The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.
Commercials: 1. What the TV station is on the air to broadcast; 2. Maddeningly memorable messages occasionally interrupted by several minutes of forgettable programming.
Commitment: Female Interpretation: A desire to get married and raise a family; Male Interpretation: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
Committee: 1. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours; 2. A group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary; 3. A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consists of three members, one of whom happens to be sick and the other absent; 4. A noun of multitude, signifying many, but not signifying much; 5. Something which consists of three people who are unfit, being appointed by someone unwilling to do a job which, in the last analysis, happens to be unnecessary; 6. A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled; 7. Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together; 8. A grotesque creature with multiple heads and twice as many feet, no three of them pointing in the same direction; 9. A joint checking account.
Committee-Of-Five: Consists of a man who does all the work, three others to pat him on the back, and one to bring in a minority report.
Communication: Female Interpretation: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner; Male Interpretation: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Communism: 1. The cause that suppresses; 2. Socialism with a gun to make you take it; 3. Nobody’s got nothin’, but everybody’s workin’; 4. Liberation of the people from the burdens of liberty.
Communist: 1. A fellow who has given up all hope of ever becoming a capitalist; 2. A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you’ll divide your beer and salami with him; 3. A guy who borrows your pot to cook your goose; 4. A guy who says everything is perfect in Russia, but stays here because he likes to rough it; 5. One who has yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings; 6. A person who believes that any man who has more money than he, is the oppressor of the masses.
Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.
Commuter: 1. A traveling man who pays short visits to his home and office; 2. One who spends his life - in riding to and from his wife… a man who shaves and takes a train, and then rides back to shave again.
Company Policy: The corporate equivalent of your parents saying, “Because I said so.”
Complaint: A grief resume.
Completion Date: The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Compliment: 1. Something which you say to another which he and you know is not true; 2. The applause that refreshes.
Compromise: 1. A deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted; 2. Listening to your wife’s opinion and deciding she’s right; 3. The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.
Compulsive Gambler: A guy who would rather lay a bet.
Computer: A nimble electronic brain devoid of animal passions and human wit, and therefore admirably suited to the contemporary corporate environment.
Computer Gossip: Chat rumors.
Computer Mating: A form of dater-processing.
Computer Salesperson: A person without the ethics to be a used car salesperson. The job also requires that you have absolutely no knowledge of computers.
Computer Scientist: Someone who fixes things that aren’t broken.
Con Man: One who believes people are all right - if you know how to take them.
Conceit: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. A form of I-strain; 3. God’s gift to little men; 4. Confidence out of control.
Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.
Concentration: The ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.
Conclusion: The place where you got tired of thinking.
Concrete Opinions: Those that are thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
Concubine: Machine that Canadian farmers use to harvest wheat: Summer Concubine Winter Concubine.
Condensation: Feeling a crook gets on return to hideout.
Condescend: To escape from prison by lowering oneself over the wall with a rope.
Condom: An article of attire to be worn on every conceivable occasion.
Condominium: A condom for midgets.
Conductor: The musician most likely to get struck by lightning.
Cones: Ice cream you can walk with.
Coney Island: Where the surf is one third water and two thirds people.
Conference: 1. A big business term for swapping stories in somebody’s private office; 2. A group of men who individually can do nothing, but as a group can meet and decide that nothing can be done; 3. A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doing; 4. A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labour and the loneliness of thought; 5. An organized way of postponing a decision; 6. Coffee-break with real napkins; 7. The confusion of the loudest talking character multiplied by the number present; 8. A long coffee break; 9. A meeting of the bored; 10. A meeting to decide when the next meeting will be held; 11. The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present; 12. Time off from the hurly burly of hard graft and actual thought.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on.
Confessio Fidel: I told everything to Castro.
Confiction: A belief held in contradiction to the truth.
Confidant: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.
Confidence: 1. The cocky feeling you have just before you know better; 2. That quality which permits an individual to do Sudoku puzzles with a fountain pen; 3. What you have before you understand the problem; 4. What you have before fully understanding the situation.
Confirmed Bachelor: 1. One who thinks that the only thoroughly justified marriage was the one that produced him; 2. A man with no wife expectancy.
Conflict Of Interest: A dental school with a hockey team.
Conflusion: What the public feels in response to an endless stream of contradictory news about H1N1 influenza.
Confront: The chest of a prisoner.
Confushion: A chaotic dissarray where everyone feels very safe and secure.
Congratulation: The civility of envy.
Congress: 1. A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them; 2. A body of men brought together to slow down the government; 3. A strange forum where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and then everyone disagrees at the top of their lungs; 4. A group which is often immobilized by greedlock; 5. A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen - and not enough U.S. Congressmen.
Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.
Conscience: 1. A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything - just keeps you from enjoying it; 2. A guilt-edged knife; 3. An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching; 4. A walkie-talkie set by which God speaks to us; 5. Something that feels terrible when everything else feels great; 6. That sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught; 7. The still small voice that makes you feel still smaller; 8. The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it; 9. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. The mother of invention; 11. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. Something that no’s what’s wrong; 13. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught; 14. Something that makes you tell your mother before your sister does; 15. A trait that gets a lot of credit that belongs to cold feet; 16. An inner voice that warns us somebody is looking; 17. The thing that hurts when everything else feels so good; 18: What makes you worry about what it couldn’t stop you from doing; 19. Ciology and chemistry classes for prisoners.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Consciousness-Raising: The fine art of teaching well-adjusted citizens to view themselves as victims of oppression.
Conscientious Woman: One who never breaks a confidence without first imposing the strictest secrecy.
Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land.
Conservative: 1. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A man who just sits and thinks, mostly sits; 4. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. One who does not think that anything should be done for the first time; 6. A liberal who just got mugged.
Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.
Constant: A type of pressure.
Constipation: 1. When tush comes to shove; 2. To have and to hold.
Consul: In American politics, a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.
Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.”
Consultant: 1. Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is; 2. A jobless person who shows executives how to work; 3. Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can’t get a date; 4. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office.
Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products in accordance with the motto, “I spend, therefore I am.”
Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife.
Contents: Where con men sleep on a camping trip.
Contortionist: 1. A guy who can always make both ends meet; 2. A man who leads a double life; 3. The person who invented the rumble seat; 4. The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.
Contraceptive: A labor-saving device to be worn on every conceivable occasion.
Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it.
Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Control: 1. A short, ugly inmate; 2. If everything is under control, you’re moving too slowly.
Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
Convalescent: 1. A patient who is still alive; 2. A person in bed and bored.
Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.
Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional.
Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention.
Conventions: What the road to Hell is paved with.
Conversation: 1. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbour; 2. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed.
Conversion: Sects change operation.
Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls.
Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.
Convictions: What an employee has after he knows what the boss thinks.
Convincing Explanation: Inspired lie. (see also Explanation)
Cook: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption; 2. Mom’s other name.
Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.
Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.
Cookout: The cook’s day off.
Coolant: An insect that’s, like, you know, got it all together, dude.
Coolie: A quickie in the snow.
Coordinator: 1. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. A man who has a desk between two expeditors.
Copper Nitrate: Overtime pay for policemen.
Copulate: 1. A late police response; 2. What you tell the police officer after the burglar has already escaped.
Copulation: The number of policemen in the area.
Copyright: 1. Someone who cheats well; 2. Copyright Defined
Coquette: A woman without a heart, who makes a fool of a man who has no head.
Core Storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples.
Corn-On-The-Cob: The stuff you eat like you play a mouth organ.
Corona: A person who possesses a vehicle.
Coronary: Canary that dropped dead.
Coronary Bypass: When the king’s youngest son is crowned instead of the eldest.
Coroner: 1. A round corner; 2. A profession for which you have to take a Stiff exam.
Corporal: As high as you go and still have friends.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Corral Enterprises: A company with a lot of stockholders.
Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other’s company.
Co-Respondent: The right man in the wrong place.
Corrosion Resistant: Term found on articles of fishing equipment indicating that they are capable of withstanding the harmful effects of salt-water exposure for 91, 181, or 366 days, depending on the nature of the guarantee.
Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature.
Cortizone: The local courthouse.
Cosmetics: 1. Applied art; 2. An arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed; 3. Crease paint.
Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits.
Cotton: Material from which a married woman’s underwear is made.
Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Counsel: Advice with a price tag.
Counterfeit Money: Home made bread.
Counterfeiter: 1. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2. Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets; 3. A person with a pseudough-nym.
Counter-Irritant: The woman who shops all day and buys nothing.
Counterweight: What you do when the clerk is busy.
Country: A damp sort of place where all sorts of birds fly about uncooked.
Country Music: Three chords and the truth.
Coup de Gras: Lawn mower.
Coupe D’Etat: The forcible takeover of a government by someone in a 2-door car.
Couply: 1. Suited to a couple (i.e. a couply movie); 2. Indicative of an established couple (i.e. matching clothes are so couply).
Courage: 1. Fear that has said its prayers; 2. Fear in action; 3. Ignorance of the facts; 4. Grace under pressure.
Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners.
Courtesy: 1. Acceptable hypocrisy; 2. The quality that keeps a woman smiling when a departing guest stands at the open screen door and lets the flies in.
Courtship: 1. A man pursuing a woman until she catches him; 2. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 3. The period during which a man spends so much on his girlfriend that he finally marries her for his money; 4. When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is; 5. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.
Cousin: The relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.
Coverage: To pretend to be older or younger than you are.
Co-wed: A gal who got her man while in college.
Cow: 1. An animal with a mooving problem; 2. A machine which makes grass fit for people to eat.
Coward: One, who in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
Cowardice: 1. Yellow frozen water; 2. Fear inaction.
Cowhide: Hide and Seek played by cattle.
Cowlick: Bashing a cow.
CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the victim expires.
CPU: Central Propulsion Unit - the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent.
Crackputt: A compulsive golfer.
Crambo: Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.
Cramnesia: Student memory loss.
Cranberries: Grapes with hypertension.
Cranberry Grower: His arguments usually bog down.
Crank: 1. A person who insists on convincing you instead of letting you convince him; 2. Was Handel a crank?
Craptacular: Being of the bad gas persuasion.
Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.
Crate Manufacturers: Case workers.
Cravat: A $35 necktie.
Cravings: An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
Craze: The other guy’s hobby.
Creativity: 1. The sudden cessation of stupidity; 2. The art of concealing your sources; 3. Intelligence having fun.
Credit: 1. A commodity that becomes better the less it is used; 2. A person who can’t pay, gets another person who can’t pay, to guarantee that he can pay.
Credit Card: The greatest development since the invention of the big wheel.
Credit Card Tart: A credit-card holder who moves from provider to provider, transferring a loan from one account to another at a similar low rate of interest when the agreed period of the first account is about to expire.
Creditor: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
Cremation: 1. All men are cremated equal; 2. For people whose attitude to death is one of grave doubt; 3. The fairly common practice of flame-broiling the deceased; 4. A dose of hellfire with or without damnation.
Crew: A collective name for the group of peons who cover up for the television director.
Crew Cut: Furry with a singe on top.
Crew Cuts: What sea captains don’t like.
Cribbage: A baby who is not yet climbing.
Crick: Noise made by a Japanese camera.
Criminal: A person with predatory instincts without sufficient capital to form a corporation.
Criminal Lawer: A redundancy.
Critic: 1. A leg-less man who teaches running; 2. A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches; 3. One quick-on-the-flaw; 4. Someone who knows the way but can’t drive the car; 5. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
Critical Mass: Religious service for book & film reviewers.
Critical Path Method: A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
Criticism: 1. A study by which men grow important and formidable at very little expense; 2. Something you can avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing; 3. Yawning as a profession.
Critics: People who go places and boo things.
Croakroom: Where tadpoles go to change.
Crochet: An exercise that gives women something to think about when they are talking.
Crooning: A continuous hollow sound, as of cattle in pain.
Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to Prairie Dogging.
Croquet: Chess with sweat.
Cross-Country Skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Cross Examination: A test prepared by an angry teacher.
Cross-Eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over his or her pupils.
Cross Purposes: Bad-tempered dolphins.
Crosscheck: A term used to indicate checking an opponent’s king by a bishop or queen on the diagonal.
Crow: 1. A bird that is continually complaining with caws; 2. A bird that never complains without caws.
Crowbar: Where birds can get a drink.
Crowd: Two women.
Cryogenics: The study of tears.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Cuddle: Act of warmth and affection that your husband will inevitably interpret as foreplay.
Cuddling: A sweetly chaste form of intimacy that tends to make the average man feel like a muzzled hound on a fox hunt.
Cum Laude: How students in southern universities call dogs named “Laude.”
Cunnilingus: A real tongue-twister.
Cup Holder: A CD-ROM Drive.
Cupid: One who when he hits the mark usually Mrs. it.
Curiosity: 1. Lying in wait for every secret; 2. An empowering instinct of cats, kids, women, scientists, and other animals.
Curl Harbor: A Boston beauty salon.
Current Events: 1. What an electrician worries about; 2. Electric shocks.
Curriculum: A harness devised by educational bureaucrats to turn thoroughbred teachers into cart horses.
Cursor: What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
Curve: 1. Something which may wreck your car… if you hug it at the wrong time; 2. The loveliest distance between two points.
Curved Line: The loveliest distance between two points.
Customer Satisfaction: A metric that skews customer feedback in the most fabourable terms for your next presentation to senior management.
Cut Rates: What surgeons charge their patients.
Cute Angel: Something less than 90 degrees.
Cutiful: Cute and beautiful.
Cyber Cheating: 1. Plagiarism of material sourced on the internet. 2. Engagement in an online romance, the conduct of which constitutes unfaithfulness to one’s spouse or lover.
Cyber Forecast: .com before .storm
Cyberathlete: A professional player of computer games.
Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your gun with.
Cynic: 1. A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing; 2. A man who looks at the world with a monocle in his mind’s eye; 3. A man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street; 4. A man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin; 5. One who looks down on those above him; 6. An idealist whose rose-coloured glasses have been removed, snapped in two, and stomped into the ground, immediately improving his vision.
Cynical Realism: The intelligent man’s best excuse for doing nothing in an intolerable situation.
Cyst: (Southern) To render aid. Usage: “Can ah cyst you with those packages, ma’am.”
D & C: Where Washington is.
D Monster: What comes after a “C” (Sea) Monster.
Dapper Diaper: Well-dressed baby underwear.
Dachshund: 1. A little dog half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long; 2. A Great Dane after taxes.
Dadicated: Being the best father you can be.
Daily Double: Work and slave.
Dairymaid: A girl who ought to know butter.
Damage: How older people cuss their many years.
Damnation: Beaver country.
Damnitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
Dance: 1. Vertical expression of a horizontal idea; 2. The action of moving rhythmically to music with a partner, a skill which a woman possesses naturally, but which a man acquires only for the short time in his young adulthood when he wishes to meet and impress young women, and abandons thereafter due to mysterious knee injuries.
Dancing: 1. The art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner can step on them; 2. Vertical expression of a horizontal idea legalized by music.
Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. “This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.”
Dandelion: Well dressed king of the jungle.
Dandruff: Chips off the old block.
Daniel: The founder of the Lions Club.
Dare: Not here.
Dark Ages: Knight time.
Dark Corner: A place where men get bright ideas.
Dark Glasses: A device to make the obscure feel important.
Data Smog: Electronic information (i.e. e-mail, internet searches) which, by its volume, impairs performance and increases stress.
Date: 1. An organized meeting between two people who have yet to realize their dislike for each other; 2. Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Dating: 1. An elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as the sniffing ritual in dogs, but without its forthright honesty; 2. The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
Daughter: A person who Dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who Mom is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.
David And Goliath: Prophet and loss.
Dayum: (Southern) A cuss word Rhett Butler used in “Gone With the Wind.” Usage: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dayum.”
Dead Ringer: A disconnected telephone.
Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: “The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle.”
Deadline: 1. An arbitrary moment responsible for creating the fine line between a paycheque and a pink slip; 2. Perimeter of a cemetery.
Death: 1. To stop sinning suddenly; 2. Life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired; 3. A breath-taking experience.
Death by Tweakage: When a product or project fails due to unnecessary tinkering or too many last-minute revisions.
Debase: What a baseball player tags while running.
Debasement: It’s de area under de house.
Debate: What lures de fishes.
Debate: Babble instead of battle.
Debauchee: One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
Debt: 1. A trap which a man sets and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into; 2. The only thing that expands in proportion as it is contracted.
Debts: The certain outcome of an uncertain income.
Debugger: A roach motel.
Debugging: Removing needles from a haystack.
Debut: De part of the body you must park to be seated.
Debutante: 1. A bareback with greenbacks; 2. A young girl with bride ideas; 3. Girl who goes out a vision and comes in a sight; 4. One who comes out at eighteen and gets up at twelve; 5. One who lives a date-to-date existence; 6. A girl who’s in all day and out all night.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
De-caffeinated: What a cow gets when it has a baby.
Decaflon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Decagon: 1. De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident; 2. What termites can do to a wooden ship.
Decay: 1. De letter which comes after de J; 2. The 11th letter of the alphabet.
Decease: The oceans.
Deceit: What you sit on in school.
Deceitful: Infant who needs changing.
Decency: Indecency’s conspiracy of silence.
Decide: You’ll find this just around from defront.
Decline: Nudists in formation.
Deduce: 1. (Southern) De lowest card in de deck; 2. To take all the twos out of a deck of cards.
Deep-loma: For diving school graduates.
Default Directory: Black hole - where all files that you need disappear to.
Defeated Politician: Like the earth - flattened at the polls.
Defeatism: Saying die.
Defenceless: Unable to attack.
Defer: To remove cat fur from the sofa.
Deferral: Don’t hold your breath.
Deficit: What you have when you don’t have as much as if you had nothing.
Define: De thing you get for breaking de law.
Definition: A statement intended to put a word in its place.
Deformation: A football formation.
Deifenestration: To throw all talk of God out the window.
Déjà Flu: The feeling you’ve had this cold before.
Déjà Loo: The feeling of having been to this restroom once too often.
Déjà Moo: The feeling that you’ve stepped in this bull before.
Déjà Nu: Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.
Delay: The greatest remedy for anger.
Delayed Payment: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.
Deliberate: To take back to prison.
Deliberation: The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Delinquent Children: Those who have reached the age where they want to do what mama and papa are doing.
Delirious: Acting very giddy while ordering corned beef, pastrami, salami and tongue sandwiches.
Delirium Tremens: The wages of gin.
Deliver: An organ in de body.
Demagogue: A politician who can rock the boat and persuade everyone else that they’re in a terrible storm.
Delta: A river with its mouth full of mud.
Deluge: De reason de luge got cancelled.
Delusion: The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.
Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.
Demagogue: 1. A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots; 2. A man who can rock the boat himself and persuade everybody else that there is a terrible storm at sea.
Democracy: 1. A country where you can say what you think without thinking; 2. A form of religion - the worship of jackals by jackasses; 3. A land where you are free to choose your own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead; 4. A place where you can say what you please, but don’t have to listen unless you want to; 5. A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety of individual difference; 6. A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, provided he really is; 7. A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the other people elected; 8. That form of society, no matter what its political classification, in which every man has a chance and knows that he has it; 9. The recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time; 10. The theory that common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard; 11. Must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
Demoted: When the water around the castle is drained.
Denial: 1. A river in Egypt; 2. How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
Denominator: De one who puts forward da candidate.
Denounce: (Southern) Words that name things (not de verbs, de adjectives).
Dental Parlour: A drawing room.
Dentist: 1. A collector of old magazines; 2. A man who lives from hand to mouth; 3. A person who runs a filling station; 4 A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket; 5. One who tickles the ivories.
Dentist’s Oath: “The tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”
Dentist Office: A filling station.
Dentistry: A medical science concerning the teeth and gums, unknown in England.
Dentures: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one’s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
Deoderant: 1. Not dis ant; 2. De ant dat won’t use antiperspirant.
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
Department Store Detective: Counter spy.
Dependent: De triangle banner de school puts de name on.
Depression: 1. A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of; 2. A period in which you have no belt to tighten (Recession: A period in which you tighten your belt); 3. Melancholy minus its charms; 4. Anger without enthusiasm; 5. When you lose your job (Recession: when your neighbour loses their job).
Depresso: The feeling you get when you run out of coffee.
Depth: Height turned upside down.
Derflartahide: The act of coughing or sneezing loudly to hide the sound of flatulation.
Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.
Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.
Design: What you regret not doing later on.
Desire: 1. The key that opens the door when opportunity knocks; 2. The thing that is so often nipped in the budget.
Desk: 1. A waste basket with drawers; 2. A dangerous place from which to view the world.
Deskfast: Breakfast designed to be eaten conveniently at one’s workstation (i.e. A nice clean clinical muesli bar, not a greasy cooked breakfast). Related to “no-think food”, “one-handed food”, and “commuter food”.
Despair: The price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim.
Desparation: Teethmarks on the toilet door.
Despise: De persons who work for de CIA.
Despotism: The right to be wrong.
Destiny: A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure.
Detail: Removing a tail.
Determination: End of the bus route.
Deterrence: The art of producing, in the mind of the enemy, the fear to attack.
Detest: De thing de teacher gives you at de time you are least ready.
Detour: 1. Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strengthens your vocabulary; 2. The roughest distance between two points; 3. What you take to de Museum.
Deviled Eggs: What wicked chickens lay.
Devine: What de grape grows on.
Devote: What politicians depend on.
Dexteropath: A person who actually believes conservatism is an intelligent and thoughtful way of thinking.
Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and purse.
Dialogue: Changing the colour of a piece of wood.
Diamond: 1. A bright gem, the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the effects of the man proffering it; 2. A stepping stone in every girls’ life; 3. A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success; 4. Nothing harder except making the payments on one; 5. One of the hardest substances known to man - especially to get back; 6. A hunk of coal that stuck to its job; 7. A piece of coal that made good under pressure.
Diamond Cutter: One who mows the grass at the ball park.
Diaper: 1. A bum wrap; 2. A changeable seat cover.
Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.
Diarrhea: Journal of daily events.
Diary: Penned-up emotion.
Diatonic: A low-calorie Schweppes.
Diatribe: 1. An extinct race; 2. The group of native Brits that worship the late Princess Diana.
Dictator: 1. A self-madman; 2. One who thinks he can take it - no matter to whom it belongs.
Dictatorship: 1. A place where public opinion can’t even be expressed privately; 2. A system of government where everything that isn’t forbidden is obligatory.
Diatribial: Pertaining to doing office work well below your capability.
Dictionary: The only place where: 1. Divorce comes before marriage; 2. Success comes before work.
Did: (Southern) Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
Die: 1. To stop sinning suddenly; 2. The singular of ’dice.’ We seldom hear the word because there is a prohibitory proverb, ’Never say die.’ At long intervals, however, someone says, ’The die is cast,’ which is not true, for it is cut.
Diectra: A drug given to men before leaving on car trips, causing them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost.
Diet: 1. What helps a person gain weight more slowly; 2. Something to take the starch out of you; 3. Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on; 4. A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds; 5. A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it; 6. A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer; 7. A penalty for exceeding the feed limit; 8. A triumph of mind over platter.
Diet Drink/Soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Diet Planner: A fast talker.
Dieters: A word to the wides is sufficient.
Dieting: 1. The penalty for exceeding the feed limit; 2. The triumph of mind over platter; 3. Corporal downsizing; 3. The time when a man is happy to see his spare tire go flat.
Difficult: That which can be done immediately (Impossible: that which takes a little longer).
Digital: Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
Digital Control: What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
Digital Native: A person who grows up using digital media and communications systems, and thus has complete familiarity with them.
Digital Signature: Fingerprints.
Dignity: 1. Something that can’t be preserved in alcohol; 2. The capacity to hold back on the tongue what never should have been on the mind in the first place.
Dijon Vu: The same mustard as before.
Dikshunry: The book that helps you write “right” or “write” right.
Dilate: To live longer.
Dilatory: Hotline of British Conservative Party.
Dilemma: A politician trying to save both his faces at once.
Dilettante: A philanderer who seduces the several arts and deserts each in turn for another.
Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dim Sum: What you get when your calculator batteries run low.
Diminished Fifth: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
Dimp: A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, “Do you work here?”
Diner: A chew-chew car.
Dining Room: The place where the family eats while painters are doing over the kitchen.
Dinosaur: 1. A colossal fossil; 2. How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout; 3. What Dino does when you shoot him out of a catapult.
Diode: A pair of two long poems.
DIOS: The one true operating system.
Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.
DIP Switch: How my sister gets a new boyfriend.
Diploma: 1. Da man dat fixes your pipes; 2. A job-hunting license.
Diplomacy: 1. A peaceful substitute for shooting; 2. Cutting the other fellow’s throat without using a knife; 3. Lying in state; 4. The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is giving it away; 5. The art of handling a porcupine without disturbing the quills; 6. The art of laying down the law gently enough to keep it from being broken; 7. The art of letting someone else have your own way; 8. The art of saying “Nice doggie!” until you can find a rock; 9. The art of skating on thin ice without getting into deep water; 10. The art of turning a dropped stitch into a loophole; 11. A blend of protocol, alcohol, and Geritol; 12. The fine art of convincing one’s wife that she looks fat wearing a mink coat; 13. The art of saying nothing nicely; 14. The art of saying something when you have nothing to say, or of saying nothing when you have something to say; 15. Telling your boss he has an open mind instead of telling him he has holes in his head; 16. The patriotic art of lying for one’s country; 17. The art of letting someone else get your way.
Diplomat: 1. A fellow who prefers ironing out his differences to flattening his opponent; 2. A gent who thinks twice before he says nothing; 3. A man who can convince his wife that she would look fat in a fur coat; 4. A man who has learned that you can’t bend a nail by hitting it squarely on the head; 5. A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but forgets her age; 6. A man who tries to settle problems created by other diplomats; 7. A person who can be disarming even though his country isn’t; 8. A person who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue; 9. A person who can keep a civil tongue in his cheek; 10. A person who does not think it necessary to understand things in order to argue about them; 11. A person who says, “I will take the matter under advisement,” instead of “no.”; 12. If you have the advantage over someone, and you lead him to think that he has the advantage over you, without giving him the chance to take advantage of you; 13. One who can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans; 14. One who can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest; 15. One who can yawn with his mouth closed; 16. A rabbit in a silk hat; 17. A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Diplo-mutt: A politician’s dog.
Directions: If at first you don’t succeed, try looking in the wastebasket for the directions.
Director: The one who always faces the music.
Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Disappointment: When they call to tell you the Doctor had an emergency.
Disaster: What the meat slicer did when the butcher’s wife backed into it.
Disband: When members of a rock group fall out with one another.
Disbelief: How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is.
Disc Jockey: 1. One who earns his living by putting on airs; 2. A guy who lives on spins and needles.
Discharged Record Spinner: A slipped disc jockey.
Disclose: De opposite of dat far away.
Disco: A din of iniquity.
Disconfect: To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ’remove’ all the germs.
Discount: Something often sold in place of goods.
Discouragement: Seeing the secretary yawn over one of your snappy salesmanship letters.
Discretion: 1. A comb that experience hands us after we have lost our hair; 2. A sense that comes to a man too late to do him any good; 3. Closing your eyes to a situation before someone closes them for you; 4. When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife; 5. Being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
Discussion: 1. A method of confirming others in their errors; 2. An exchange of knowledge (see also Argument - an exchange of ignorance).
Disengendered: To be without gender. See Eunuch.
Disgrossting: Worse than gross or disgusting.
Disguise: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses.
Dish-posable Diaper: A diaper made out of paper plates.
Dishtemper: What family members suffer from after dinner.
Disinheritance: Heir cut.
Disinvited: You were invited but are now not invited.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Diskakantude: Looking like one isn’t involved while one’s dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbour’s lawn.
Dismay: In the spring.
Disnasterous: Nasty and disastrous - often with embarrassing moments.
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
Disoriyenta: When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
Disrespect: Giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they’re number one.
Distance: 1. That which lends enchantment to the view, but not when you run out of gas; 2. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep.
Distant Relative: 1. A relative who owes you money; 2. One who can be very distant - especially when he has lots of money; 3. Someone who is not living with you.
Distinct: How a child says something smelled bad.
District of Columbia: A territory bounded on all sides by the United States of America.
Divine: What de grapes grow on.
Divisor: What you wear on da head to protect from da sun.
Divorce: 1. Going through a change of wife; 2. Hash made from domestic scraps; 3. What results when the bonds of matrimony no longer bear interest; A splitting headache; 4. Long division; 5. The price people pay for playing with matches; 6. The screwing you get for the screwing you got; 7. Future tense of marriage; 8. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Divorce Court: A hall of blame.
Divorcee: A woman who gets richer by decrees.
DIYD² or (DIYD)2: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t (pronounced DIYD squared).
Doctor: 1. A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you; 2. A man who keeps telling children to eat more and parents to eat less; 3. A man who suffers from good health; 4. One who kills you today to prevent you from dying tomorrow; 5. A man who has his tonsils, adenoids, and appendix; 6. A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills; 7. Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he knew; 8. The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold; 9. A person who tries hard not to let her job make her sick.
Doctors’ Law: If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the Doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
Doctor’s Prescription: Something written on a subway train with a post office pen.
Doctor’s TV Series: “Of Human Bandage”
Document: Repeating what your Doctor told you in your own words.
Documentation: 1. Describes the way the program used to be, or perhaps the way it should have been; 2. Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.
Dog: 1: The only friend you can buy for money; 2. A yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man; 3. An intelligent four-footed animal who walks around with some dope on the end of his leash.
Dog Kennel: A barking lot.
Dog Paddle: A rolled newspaper to punish the dog without hurting him.
Dog Pound: A used cur lot.
Dogfooding: From the saying, “We eat our own dog food” to mean one uses their own products. One such example of dogfooding is the military phenomena of “friendly fire” where the same army shoots the bullet and is hit by that same projectile.
Doggerel: 1. A little pooch; 2. Poetry without pedigree.
Doghouse: Falling-out shelter.
Dogma: 1: A canine parent; 2. A puppy’s mother.
Dogmatic: Run by canine power.
Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.
Doing: The noise a spring makes.
Do-it-yourself: Enthusiast; a varnishing Canadian.
Dollar: The jack of all trades.
Dollar Sign: An S that’s been double-crossed.
Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt some place stupid.
Dollar Sign: An S that has been double-crossed.
Domestic Argument: One after which the husband either goes to his club or reaches for it.
Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.
Domestic Service: Doing housework for $75 a week (doing it for nothing is called matrimony).
Donation: A country full of female deer.
Donkey: 1. Instrument to get you into the godfather’s house; 2. The most difficult key to turn.
Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.
Donut: Cop bait.
Donuts: The only non-negotiable element to a successful meeting.
Doomed: You have created a product that will forever improve the quality of life for every living soul on Earth. Then Micro$oft notices you.
Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in with the other, and still have one left for the tip.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content.
Dorm: Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.
Dorm Room: A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.
DOS: 1. An operating system used by lemmings; 2. By far the most popular computer. Mac users, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
Dot Con: The process of making money from the internet.
Dots: Symbols, which, in the modern novel, mean proceed at your own risqué.
Dotsam: The Internet’s wasteland of abandoned Web sites, Hotmail accounts, blogs, wMySpace pages, etc., that their creators have ignored for months/years - but are still accessible on the Web.
Double Bogie: Casablanca followed by African Queen.
Double Crosser: 1. A man who acts like a skunk and hopes nobody will get wind of it; 2. Someone with a great sense of two-timing.
Double Decker Bed: A lot of bunk.
Double Jeopardy: When your Doctor calls in a consulting physician.
Doubles: 1. Tennis game played by athletic couples who wish to burn a few calories while arguing; 2. Size of drinks they order afterward.
Doughnut: 1. A person who is crazy about money; 2. Holey food.
Doughnut Disturb: Sign on the outside of a police patrol car window.
Doughnuts: 1. Rolling Scones; 2. The only nuts with holes in them.
Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.
Draft Board: 1. Where young men are weighed and found wanted; 2. The world’s largest travel agency.
Draft Dodger: Someone who avoids beer on tap.
Dragon: What dull speaches do.
Dragonfly: Bug that knights like to fight.
Drainage: How old is the sewer?
Drama Critic: 1. A person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant; 2. A person who leaves no turn unstoned.
Dramatic: What you go through to get a parasite off your dog’s back.
Dramatic Critic: One who gives the best jeers of his life to the theatre.
Draw: A term used to describe the result of a battle between a dentist and a patient.
Dreadful Actor: An abominable showman.
Dream In Colour: When you dream in colour, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Dreamer: One who waits for something to turn up - whereas a doer turns up something while waiting.
Dreams: 1: The fool ideas of the day before yesterday that have become the commonplace miracles of today; 2. Answers to questions we haven’t yet figured out how to ask.
Dress: Woman’s constant endeavor to improve on her skin.
Dressage: How old her dress is.
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
Drill Sergeant: An army dentist.
Drill Team: A group of dentists who work together.
Drinking: 1. Act which does not drown your sorrows - only irrigates them; 2. Something which makes one lose his inhibitions and give exhibitions.
Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Driver (Careful): The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.
Driveway: Where your husband will sit, in his idling automobile, honking the horn and yelling, while you try to get ready to go out.
Driving Range: A place where golfers go to get all the good shots out of their systems.
DRM: Digitally Removed Music.
Drool: What you do when your Mom and Dad have food and you don’t. You must sit as close as you can and look sad, and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
Drug Store: 1. A telephone with a business attached; 2. The poor man’s country club.
Druggist: The piller of society.
Drunk: 1. The future of drink; 2. Feeling sophisticated but unable to pronounce it.
Drunkard: 1. A man who knows his capacity but gets drunk before he reaches it; 2. Human prune - the more he is soaked, the more he swells.
Dry Ice: A carbon dioxymoron.
Dubm Blonde: A Peroxymoron.
Dubm Waiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dubmerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
Dubmographics: Statistical data that describes the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor’s overpriced, poor-quality product or service.
Duchy: A Dutch lady who marries a duke.
Dude: Past tense of to do.
Dude Ranch: Where a guy who is rich enough to drive a Cadillac rides a horse.
Due Date: What seems light-years away.
Duel: 1. Pistols for two; breakfast for one; 2. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies.
Dufi: The plural of dufus.
Dulcet: A boring tennis match.
Dull: It’s always dullest just before the yawn.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dumpster Diving: The salvaging of household food items from the stock which has been thrown away (by a shop or supermarket) into a dumpster.
Duodenum: Two people wearing jeans.
Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.
Dusk: Brief twilight period that separates the time when fish don’t bite because they can see the line from the time when fish don’t bite because they can’t see the lure.
Dust: 1. Mud with the juice squeezed out; 2. Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
Dust Rags: Dad’s Underwear.
Dutch Treat: When two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account.
Duty: 1. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire; 2. What one expects from others, not what one does oneself; 3. What the normal man looks forward to with distaste, does with reluctance, and boasts about forever after.
Dysfunctional Family: Used by psychologists to described any household occupied by two or more related individuals.
Dyslexia: 1. Dyslexics have more fnu!; 2. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Dyslexic Paranoid: One who is always afraid that he’s following somebody.
Dyslexus: The inability to distinguish between a BMW and a Mercedes.
Dyspeptic: A man that can eat his cake and have it too.
Dyspupsia: Being sick as a dog.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit.
Ear: 1. A place where kids store dirt; 2. (Southern) A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe... give ’em some ear!”
Eardrum: Drum that can be broken but never played.
Earlier: A moment ago when you weren’t paying attention.
Early Rising: Triumph of mind over mattress.
Early winter: Novemberrrrr.
Earth: 1. A solid substance, much desired by the seasick; 2. A minor planet with major problems.
Earth’s Fault: To blame for an earthquake.
Earthquake: A topographical error.
Earwig: False hair that comes down over the ears.
Easter Millinery: Hatrocities.
Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
Easy Chair: The hardest one to find empty.
Easy Payments: The ones that are easier said than done.
Easy Street: The route of all evil.
Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Eavesdropper: 1. A woman who loves to listen in, but not as much as she loves to talk out; 2. An icicle.
Eccentric: 1. A man too rich to be called crazy ; 2. One who minds his own business.
Eccentricity: A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.
Echo: 1. No sooner said than said; 2. The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.
Eclipse: 1. What an English barber does for a living; 2. What you use to hold two pieces of paper together; 3. What a gardener does to a hedge.
ECNALUBMA: A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
Economics: College professor talk for “What happened to the money in the cookie jar?”
Economies of Scale: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies.
Economist: 1. A man who knows more about money than the people who have it; 2. A man who tells you what to do with your money after you have done something else with it; 3. One who takes a lot of unwarranted assumptions and reaches a foregone conclusion; 4. A man who can save money by cutting down some other person’s expense.
Economy: 1. A way to spend money without getting any fun out of it; 2. Denying ourselves a necessity today in order to buy a luxury tomorrow; 3. Living within your means even if you have to borrow money to do so; 4. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
Ecotechnology: Technology that produces environmentally sustainable outcomes (i.e. water treatment, building construction, and land remediation).
Ecrastinate: Checking your e-mail just one more time.
Ecstasy: 1. Something that happens between the Scotch and soda and the bacon and eggs; 2. Happiness with its clothes off.
Ecumenism: Getting to know the opposite sects.
Eczema: Former wife of your father.
Edible: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Editor: 1. The fellow who makes a long story short; 2. A newspaper employee whose function is to separate the wheat from the chaff and see that the chaff is printed; 3. A literary barber.
Educate: To render harmless by cultivation.
Educated Man: One who has finally discovered that there are some questions to which nobody has the answers.
Educated Person: One who voluntarily does more thinking than is necessary for his own survival.
Education: 1. A debt due from present to future generations; 2. Forcing abstract ideas into concrete heads; 3. That mysterious process whereby information passes from the lecture notes of the professor through the pen and onto the notebook; 4. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding; 5. What a father gets when he sits in on a conversation with a group of teenagers; 6. What’s left over after you’ve gotten the facts; 7. What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten from what you learned; 8. A technique employed to open minds so that they may go from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty; 9. The transmission of civilization; 10. A progressive discovery of our own ignorance; 11. One of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get; 12. The development of the memory at the expense of the imagination.
Education Budget: Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.
Efficiency: 1. The ability to do a job well, plus the desire to do it better; 2. The knack of getting somebody to do a job you don’t like.
Efficiency Expert: 1. A man smart enough to tell you how to run your business and too smart to start his own; 2. A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it, even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you to; 3. A man who walks in his sleep so that he can get his rest and his exercise at the same time; 4. One who always has to make up a foursome before passing through a revolving door.
Egg: 1. A day’s work for a hen; 2. A bird’s hometown.
Egghead: 1. A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A’s; 2. That same student once you’ve dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.
Ego: 1. I-dolatry; 2. Some spark within us which leads us to believe that we are better than we are, and which is often instrumental in proving it; 3. The only thing that can keep on growing without nourishment; 4. That part of the psyche that realizes there is an outside world filled with idiots.
Ego Surfing, Egosurfing: Scanning the Net, databases & print media, looking for references to one’s own name.
Ego Trip: Stumbling over your own feet.
Egotism: 1. An anaesthetic that nature gives to a man to deaden the pain of being a darn fool; 2. Self-confidence looking for trouble; 3. Something that enables the man in a rut to think he’s in the groove; 4. Usually just a case of mistaken non-entity; 5. Self-intoxication.
Egotist: 1. A guy who suffers from I strain; 2. A conceited ass who thinks he knows as much as you do; 3. A fellow who certainly knows a good thing when he says it; 4. A man who thinks that a woman will marry him for himself alone; 5. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me; 6. A person who persists in telling you things about himself that you had planned on telling him about yourself; 7. One who is always me-deep in conversation; 8. One who thinks that if he hadn’t been born, people would wonder why; 9. One whose eyes look in instead of out; 10. Someone who thinks all the world is a stooge; 11. One more interested in himself than in you; 12. A guy who is me-deep in conversation; 13. Someone me-deep in conversation.
Eiffel Tower: The Empire State Building after taxes.
Eiffelites: Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
Elastic Band: An old rock group that keeps bouncing back.
Elastiphobia: Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Stretch Marks.”
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Elderberry: Wisest fruit on the branch.
Elderly Wolf: Jill collector with jack.
Elecelleration: The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
Electoral College: Institute of higher yearning.
Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents.
Electrician: A person who wires for money.
Electrocardiograph: Ticker tape.
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all modern improvements.
Electronica: The broad array of music created electronically.
Electroplate: What atomic scientists eat their dinner from.
Elegance: Forgetting what one is wearing.
Element: A pachyderm.
Elephant: 1. The largest living ants; 2. A useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back.
Elephino: Cross between an Elephant and a Rhinoceros.
Elevator: A metal container used to move sardines up and down.
Elitism: It’s not for everyone.
Elixir: What a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone.
Eloquence: Logic on fire.
Elvis Year: The peak year of popularity. As in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year.”
e-mail: An advertising medium which is misused for personal messaging.
Embarrassed: Emmy’s condition after losing her pants.
Embezzlement: Bankers away!
Embezzler: One who soils the till.
Employment Agency: Where people are put in their place.
Empty Nest: See “Wishful Thinking”.
Emptynestrogen: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
Emulate: What people do when they copy the movements of a very large Australian bird.
Emulsion: A mixture of oil and emotion.
Encore: What your wife will want after sex on your wedding night.
Encumber: The watery bit in the middle of a cucumber.
Encryption: What the undertaker duz to ya.
Encyclopedia: 1. A motorcycle for smart people; 2. A collection of books which at the moment of printing were incomplete in their collection of all human knowledge, which can be stacked and stood on to reach the peanut butter on the top shelf of your kitchen cabinets.
Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.
Endless Loop: See Loop, Endless.
Endless Love: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.
Endorse: The opposite of outdoors.
End-user Upgrade: Tech-sounding term for training.
Enema: Not a friend.
Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
Engagement: 1. A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement; 2. A period of urge on the verge of a merge; 3. The time a girl takes until she finds out if she can do any better.
Engineers: What locomotives hear with.
Engineer’s Estimate: The cost of construction in heaven.
English Channel: The BBC.
English Wrestling Champion: A lord of the ring.
Enlistment Papers: A service contract.
Enough: The End.
Enteritis: A penchant for burglary.
Enthusiast: One who preaches four times as much as he believes, and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.
Entrance Exam: Precoital check-up.
Entremanure: People who start real crappy dot com companies.
Entrepreneur: What you’re called when you don’t have a job.
Entry Level: Pays nothing.
Epigram: 1. A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other half; 2. Truth on a “binge.”
Episiotomy: Cutting a wide birth.
Epistle: The wife of an apostle.
Epitaph: 1. A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued; 2. A statement that lies above the one that lies beneath; 3. A monumental lie.
Epochodor: The smell of history found at museums.
Equestrian: One who asks questions.
Equine Influenza: A viral respiratory disease which causes flu-like symptoms in horses.
ER: The things on your head that you hear with.
Era: Spelling mistake.
Eraser: Chinese corrector’s item.
Erection: When Japanese go to vote.
Error: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to “just look.”
Error Message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.
Erudite: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
Erudition: Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
Escape Sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut through fence.
Eskimo Pie: The ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter.
Eskimos: 1. People who, after a few months of work, call it a day; 2. God’s frozen people.
Esophagus: The author of Aesop’s Fables.
ESP N: Programming for psychics.
Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Estates: Acreage in the country owned by people who have “gone to town.”
Et Tu Brute: I like your after shave.
Etc.: A sign, when used, makes others believe you know more than you do.
Eternal Struggle: Keeping your earning capacity up to your wife’s yearning capacity.
Eternal Triangle: Diapers.
Ethernet: A device to catch the Ether Bunny.
Eternity: 1. The last two minutes of a football game; 2. The time between you coming and her going.
Etiquette: 1. A convenient code of conduct which makes lying a virtue and snobbishness a righteous deed; 2. Learning to yawn with your mouth closed; 3. The noise you don’t make while eating soup; 4. Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.
Etlanna: (Southern) Atlanta... Hotlanta to the locals.
Eucalyptus: What male male babies would say to their mohels.
Eulogy: 1: Praise that’s too much and too late; 2. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
Eunuch: One who is cut off from temptation.
Euphemisms: Unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.
Eureka: Euphemism for “You smell bad.”
Euronating: What “spending a penny” (using a public pay toilet) will become if the UK joins the single currency.
Europe: Next one to bat.
Everwhichaways: (Southern) To be scattered in all directions. Usage: “You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.”
Euthanasia: 1. Generally more proficient at math and science than euthaamerica; 2. Children in the Far East.
Evaporation: The cause of perfume disappearing. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Eve: The first chicken to ruin a man’s garden.
Evening Dress: More gone than gown.
Event: He did not stay.
Event Tree: Visual representation of all the events occurring in a system, showing the links between them so that, as the number of events increases, the whole resembles the branches of a tree. Used to identify pathways to desired outcomes.
Evil: A good or truth misplaced.
Evolution: What makes the chimpanzee in the zoo ask, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Ex-King: One who has come in out of the reign.
Ex Libris: I changed my astrological sign.
Exact: What eggs do on stage.
Exaggerating: What your former spouse is doing in court to get a better settlement.
Exaggeration: 1. A truth that has lost its temper; 2. Formal term for a collection of fishermen (i.e. an exaggeration of anglers).
Excellence: The gradual result of always striving to do better.
Exchequer: Retired supermarket cashier.
Excise: The clothes hanging in your closet that fit before the holidays.
Exclamation Point: A period that has blown its top.
Excuse Me: One of Mom’s favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
Executive: 1. A big gun - that hasn’t been fired yet; 2. An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head; 3. A fellow who goes out and finds something that needs to be done - then finds someone willing to pay for it - then hires somebody to do it; 4. A person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him; 5. A man who goes around with a worried look on the face of his assistant; 6. A man who talks to visitors so the other employees can get their work done; 7. One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right; 8. A person who follows his work schedule to a tee; 9. A person who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.
Executive Ability: The art of getting the credit for all the hard work that somebody else does.
Executive Shakeup: Title wave.
Executive Suite: A sugar daddy.
Executrix: A call girl for CEOs.
Exercise: 1. A dirty word that compels you to wash your mouth out with chocolate; 2. Droop therapy; 3. The Yuppie version of bulimia; 4. The joy of flex; 5. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase; 6. Her former body measurements.
Exergaming: The playing of video games that require the gamers to undertake physical exercise, such as those in which the players engage in an interactive virtual bicycle race on screen by pedaling on a bicycle simulator which drives the visualization.
Exhale: Like frozen rain, except that it’s now turned slushy.
Exhaustion: Sufficient cause for the hospitalization of a celebrity - the normal state of existence for the rest of the working world.
Exhibitionist: A person who discards three aces in strip poker.
Exit: How you mark the spot.
Exorcism: The unspooken word.
Exotic Dancer: A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
Expedite: To compound confusion with commotion.
Expense Account: Account deceivables.
Experience: 1. A form of knowledge acquired only two ways: by doing and being done; 2. A name given to our mistakes; 3. A revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age; 4. The name an older man gives to his mistakes; 5. Not what happens to me, but what a man does with what happens to him; 6. The mistakes we like to remember; 7. What you get from being inexperienced; 8. What you get while looking for something else; 9. What causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old ones; 10. What you imagine you have until you get more; 11. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced; 12. Something you can’t get unless you’ve already got it, in which case you probably don’t want any more of it; 13. Knowing all the things you shouldn’t; 14. Something you don’t get until just after you needed it; 15. The thing you have left when everything else is gone.
Expert: 1. A fellow who has made a lot of good guesses; 2. A man from another city, and the farther away that city is, the greater the expert; 3. A man wearing a tie and an important look on his face who knows how to complicate simplicity; 4. A man who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy; 5. A man who is seldom in doubt, but often in error; 6. An ordinary man away from home; 7. Any person who has tried and failed - and can tell you why; 8. A person who not only knows all the answers but can think up problems to fit them; 9. One who can take something you already knew and make it sound confusing; 10. One who knows more and more about less and less; 11. One who tells you to do something exactly the way you decided to do it before you asked him; 12. One who knows all the answers, if you ask the right questions; 13. A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters; 14. Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame; 15. A person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.
Explain: Now beautiful.
Explanation: Lie. (see also Convincing Explanation)
Explosion: Result of experiment.
Exposed In The End: Those who get too big for their britches.
Exposition: The location of yolks on your plate.
Exsocialate: To distance oneself from others under the belief that they are pretty much all untrustworthy moroffs.
Extinct: A dead skunk.
Extra Credit: What you wish you had on your credit card.
Extraterrestaurant: An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented on.
Extravagance: Anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.
Extravagant Girl: One who usually makes a poor mother and a bankrupt father.
Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
Eyebrows: What I do when I go shopping.
Eyedropper: 1. A clumsy optometrist; 2. A clumsy ophthalmologist; 3. A very, very careless person.
Eyes: Double feature.
F: A grade that can usually be altered to look like a “B” on a test paper.
Fable: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
Faceless: What happens when you get either vindictive or drunk and post on Facebook, someone finds it offensive and your account is suspended.
Facetious: Followers of Mussolini.
Facial Mapping: Identification of a person (from a photograph, video footage), by comparing key features of the face in the image with those of the person.
Factory: A set of encyclopedias.
Fad: 1. Something that goes in one era and out the other; 2. In one year and out the other; 3. A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it the badge of status.
Faddict: Someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Faggot: A lady maggot.
Failure: 1. The quickest method known for making money; 2. The line of least persistence; 3. A one-armed man trying to climb a rope; 4. One who never puts things over because he is always putting things off; 5. The opportunity to begin again - more wisely; 6. One who succeeded in failing; 7. Hired, tired, mired, fired.
Failures: 1: The battle scars of those who tried; 2. Fingerposts on the road to achievement.
Fairway: 1. The well-kept and seldom used portion of a golf course; 2. Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Faith: 1. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge of things without parallel; 2. Illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
Fake Bake: The brand name a for sunless tanning solution that comes in lotion, spray, mousse and lip gloss. It’s also another name for indoor tanning salons.
Fall: The season when your wife buys new winter clothes so she will have something to wear when she goes out shopping for spring outfits.
False Doctrine: Giving people the wrong medicine.
False Economy: using only 30 candles on her 40th birthday cake.
False Pregnancy: Labouring under a misconception.
Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster.
Falsies: 1. Hidden persuaders; 2. A helpful aid to any girl in acquiring a disappointed husband; 3. A sort of hope chest; 4. Making mountains out of molehills; 5. Delusions of glandeur.
Fame: 1. Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment; 2. The advantage of being known to those who do not know us; 3. The best way to rise to its dizzy heights is to stay on the level; 4. A unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold; 5. The perfume of heroic deeds.
Family Friendly: To dumb-down a performance to the point where only a person of five could enjoy it.
Family Planning: 1. Having all your children while their grandparents are still young enough to be babysitters; 2. The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Family Swimming Pool: A small body of water completely surrounded by other people’s children.
Family Tree: The only tree whose branches seek the shelter of its roots.
Famous: Conspicuously miserable.
Famous Last Words: “This is easy!”
Fan Belt: What a soccer fan uses to keep his trousers up.
Fan Club: Weapon used by a celebrity to beat off too many fans.
Fanatic: 1. A man who does what God would do - if He only had the facts straight; 2. One who can’t change his opinion and won’t change the subject; 3. One who is highly enthusiastic about something in which you are not even remotely interested; 4. One who redoubles his efforts after he has forgotten his objectives.
Fanaticism: Redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.
Fancy Restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.
FAQ: (Southern) Used with U, wut you yell when someone cuts ya off.
Far: (Southern) A state of combustion that produces heat and light; a conflagration. Usage: (1) “Ah reckon it’s about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs.” (2) “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
Farm: What a city man dreams of at 5 P.M., never at 5 A.M.
Farmer: 1. A handy man with a sense of humus; 2. The only man who can lose money every year, live well, educate his children, and then die rich; 3. A man who is outstanding in his field.
Farmers: Men successful only if they sell their farms to golf clubs.
Farn: (Southern) Not local. Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country.”
Farthing: A distant object.
Farthingale: A cheap hurricane.
Fascism: Goosestepping to the sound of the only drummer.
Fashion: 1. What woman’s dresses will be up to; 2. Something that goes out of style as soon as most people have one; 3. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey; 4. What you adopt when you don’t know who you are; 5. Today’s rage, tomorrow’s chuckle; 6. A racket for selling clothes; 7. A form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months; 8. What one wears oneself - what is unfashionable is what other people wear; 9. A make-work program to get women to buy new clothes for no real reason before the old clothes wear out.
Fast Food Restaurants: Tidy, congenial roadside bistros that clog the nation’s highways and the arteries of their patrons.
Fat: Energy gone to waist.
Fat-Finger: To introduce a typo while editing in such a way that the resulting manglification of a configuration file does something useless, damaging, or wildly unexpected.
Father: 1. One who gives the lover his daughter’s hand and hopes he takes the one she’s had in his pocket all this time; 2. An Automatic Teller Machine provided by nature; 3. Someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots; 4. The kin you love to touch; 5. A guy who is working his son’s way through college.
Father-In-Law: 1. The fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife another man to harass; 2. Dad, in jail.
Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of their leftover Christmas ties and shaving lotion.
Fauxtography: Manipulation of photographic or video images to convey a false representation of events.
FAX: What you lie about to the I.R.S.
FCS: A software development phrase. Basically, when everyone is sick and tired of trying to fix the bugs in the software, it is sent to manufacturing for disk duplication and packaging. Then First Customer Shipment occurs. Two days later, the Tech Support phone is jammed.
Fear: 1. The lengthened shadow of ignorance; 2. A little dark room where negatives are developed; 3. False Evidence Appearing Real.
Feast: An eat wave.
Feather: It flies when it’s on and floats when it’s off.
Feature Creep: 1. The bloating of software with too many features; 2. A nasty software developer.
Federal Aid: A system of making money taken from the people look like a gift when handed back.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Feelawful: Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
Feline: Lawyer’s telephone.
Female: One who believes if you charge it, it’s not spending, and if you add a cherry to it, it’s not intoxicating.
Female Friends: Women mad at the same person.
Female Wrestler: The belle of the brawl.
Females: They get nervous and jumpy during their minstrel periods.
Feminine Wile: Keeping a man at arm’s length by a hair’s breadth.
Fence: 1. The difference between one yard and two yards; 2. Runs around the garden without moving.
Fencing Master: A person with a duel personality.
Feng Shui: Chinese for “Load of Crap”.
Fern: A plant that you’re supposed to water once a day, and when you don’t it dies, but if you do it dies anyway, only not so soon.
Fervor: Fever with a purpose.
Fettuccine Alfredo: Macaroni and cheese for adults.
FEU: Friggin’ End User.
Feudalism: It’s your Count that votes.
Few, A: A bit more than two.
Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp.
Fiber-seeking Backhoe: Large, disruptive machines which routinely cut critical backbone links, creating Internet outages and packet over air problems.
Fibrillate: To tell lies.
Fibula: A small lie.
Fiction: 1. Something that can’t hold a scandal to biography; 2. The story told by a completed Income Tax Form; 3. What a teacher thinks of your homework excuses.
Fiddler: A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.
Fiddlesticks: Violin bows.
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Field & Stream: A babbling book.
Fife: Two before seven.
Fig Newton: 1 Fig Newton = 1 kilogram of falling figs.
Fight Arena: A punch bowl.
Fighting Chair: Elaborate, swivel-mounted seat in the stern of a seagoing charter boat in which a saltwater fisherman struggles with his overpowering urge to order the captain to turn around and return to port.
Figure Head: What the bookkeepers considered their lazy boss.
Figured Bass: Female baritone.
File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
File Clerk: One skilled in the art of concealment.
Filing Cabinet: 1. A place where you can lose things systematically; 2. A place where you lose things alphabetically.
Film: 1. Truth, 24 times a second; 2. A substance which develops over your eyes after watching the same Bugs Bunny cartoon three times this week.
Film Department: A museum of people who still have the mistaken notion that television is an art.
Filmdom: A bad movie.
Filter: Software that corrupts one file format into another. Many e-mail programs offer the capability to filter e-mail directly into the trash.
Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will.
Finale: Good quality French beer.
Finance Company: An outfit that lives on the flat of the land.
Financial Dilemma: A bill pickle.
Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Financial Wizard: 1. A husband who can pay the last of last month’s bills out of next month’s salary; 2. The man who doesn’t need some extra money at Christmas time; 3. A person who can earn money faster than the family can spend it.
Financier: A pawnbroker with imagination.
Fine: A tax for doing wrong (see Tax).
Fine Print: A clause for suspicion.
Fine Quotation: A diamond on the finger of a man of wit and a pebble in the hand of a fool.
Finery: A hoard of fines.
Finger: What you give a driver who cuts you off.
Fingers: What you can always count on when the going gets tough.
Finite: Sir Lancelot.
Finland: A place where many sharks live.
Fire: It makes light of everything.
Fire Escape: A way for the fire to go out.
Fireplace: An office used for discharging people.
Fireproof: The boss’s relatives.
Firmness: The admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others.
First Aid Kit: A cat that works for the Red Cross.
First Grade Teacher: One who knows how to make little things count.
First Inversion: Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy.
First Lady: 1. Eve; 2. An unpaid public servant elected by one person - her husband.
First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?”
First Love: A little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.
First Trimester: The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, “Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?”
Fish: 1. An animal that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time a fisherman describes it to his friends; 2. A creature that goes on vacation about the time most fishermen do; 3. Brain food because it travels in schools.
Fish Fingers: Things that marine animals point at each other.
Fisherman: A sportsman, who sometimes catches a big fish by patience, sometimes by luck, but most often by the tale.
Fishing: 1. A delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes; 2. A heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling to sleep in Church on Sunday; 3. A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second; 4. A jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end; 5. The art of loitering in and around bodies of water in an effort to find food under a false pretense.
Fishing Gear Vendors: Reel estate agents.
Fishing Journal: An imaginative work of sub-literature in which the angler records the weight, length, and species of fish he didn’t catch.
Fishing Show: Reel-life TV.
Fishing Trip: Journey undertaken by one or more anglers to a place where no one can remember when it has rained so much.
Fission: 1. Where Huck Finn went when he played hookey; 2. “Gone Fission” (Nuclear Power Plant sign)
Fit: An accident in a tailor’s shop.
Fitness: Salvation through perspiration.
Fix: (Southern) To take steps in anticipation of an event. Usage: “I’m fixin’ to go see a movie.”
Fixed Word Length: Four letter words used by programmers to describe their state of confusion.
Fjord: Norwegian car.
Fjords: Bodies of stjll water between steep clyffs in Njorway.
Flabbergasted: 1. The state you are in when you’re overwhelmed by a flabber; 2. Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flaky Person: A man who loves to be outside when it snows.
Flamenco: A big pink dancing bird.
Flamous: Inventor of first lighter fluid.
Flares: (Southern) The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. Usage: “If yo wife’s mad at ya, it’s smart to take her some flares.”
Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.
Flatterer: 1. One who says things to your face that he wouldn’t say behind your back; 2. One who convinces you that you are not alone in the way you feel about yourself.
Flattery: 1. The applause that refreshes; 2. A commodity that makes everybody sick except those who swallow it; 3. A sort of verbal peroxide that turns a woman’s head; 4. Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed; 5. Soft soap… and soft soap is 90% lye; 6. The art of pretending you like the girl more than you like the kiss; 7. Phony Express; 8. An insult in gift wrapping; 9. A worn-out electricity source.
Flatulence: 1. The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller; 2. Effect of sitting on your eyeglasses.
Flea Market: 1. Where smart dogs refuse to shop; 2. Where dogs go to get their next infestation; 3. Something that starts from scratch.
Flew: Plane sickness.
Flies: 1. Something that spreads disease - keep yours zipped; 2. Chinese for something you buy at McDonalds.
Flight Risk: Employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Flight Schedule: An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Flippant: A small, industrious bug on its back.
Flirt: 1. A girl who got the boy you wanted; 2. A woman who believes it’s every man for herself.
Flirtation: 1. A spoon with nothing in it; 2. Paying attention without intention; 3. Wishful winking.
Flog: A blog which is contrived for marketing purposes.
Flood: A river too big for its bridges.
Floodlight: Light brought onto the ark by Noah.
Floor: The only thing that will stop falling hair.
Floor Director: Somebody with the mental acumen of a Fig Newton bar who is still trying to develop manual skills and must be counted to.
Floordrobe: A floor littered with discarded clothes, viewed ironically as a clothing storage system.
Flopcorn: Popcorn kernels that don’t pop.
Floppy: 1. When you run out of Polygrip; 2. The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Florists: Petal pushers.
Flour: A word by any other name would smell as wheat.
Flower Shop: A budding business.
Fly Paper: Stationery they use in airplanes.
Flying: Hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.
Flying Buttress: A charging billy goat.
Florida: A place you go in winter, and usually find it.
Flowchart: A graphic representation of a bowl of spaghetti.
Flu Shot: An ouch of prevention.
Flufferize: To take a word or sentence that is bland or common, and expand upon it or make it personal.
Flusploitation: H1N1 snake oil.
Flying Saucers: The wife is on a rampage.
Flypaper: What spiders decorate their homes with.
Fobia: The fear of misspelled words.
Focus: What Canadian politicians lack.
Fog: 1. Rain that is barely mist; 2. A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
Folk Singer: An avant-bard.
Food: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?”
Food Mile: A unit of measurement of the distance which a food product has to travel before it reaches the place where it is consumed (regarded as a measure of sustainable development, since the fewer food miles a product travels the fewer harmful effects it has on the environment).
Fool: One whom bigger fools believe to be a man of merit.
Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Foot: A politician’s pacifier.
Football: A sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture.
Football Game: A sport where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth.
Football Season: The time of the year when girls whistle at men in sweaters.
Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.
Footstep: The more you take, the more you leave behind.
For Better Or Worse: My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn’t do better. I couldn’t do worse.
Force: The weapon of the weak.
Ford Siesta: Nodding off in the back of the car.
Forecaster: A person skilled in the art of drawing useful conclusions from inadequate premises.
Fore: 1. A golf bawl; 2. The first of several four-letter words exchanged between golfers as one group of players hit balls toward another in front of them on the course.
Foreign Aid: A transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Forger: A person who is always ready to write a wrong.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Foreword: An author’s apology.
Forfeit: What most animals stand on.
Forger: 1. The man who gives a check a bad name; 2. A man who made a name for himself; 3: A man who is always ready to write a wrong; 4. A person who writes things you can’t bank on.
Forgetting: In favor of getting this or that.
Forgiveness: 1. The fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it; 2. The key to action and freedom.
Fork: 1. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth; 2. Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers.
Fork In The Road: Where cars get the most flat tires.
Format: A small rug to wipe your feet on on a muddy day.
Formerly: A guy whose name was once Lee.
Fortress: 1. A fort - with breastworks; 2. More than three hairs but fewer than five.
Fortune: 1. Ever seen accompanying industry; 2. A singing quartet.
Fortune Cookie Messages
Fortune Teller: Séance fiction.
Forty: 1. The age when a woman stops patting herself on the back and begins under the chin; 2. The most difficult age for a woman to pass. Sometimes it takes ten years.
Forum: In favour of drinking Bacardi.
Fountain Pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.
Four-letter Word: Par for the coarse.
Four-wheel Drive: Getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Fowl: A four-letter bird.
Fox: 1. A wolf that sends flowers; 2. A chicken who gets a mink from a wolf.
Fox Hunt: The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.
Foxtrot: A slow and circuitous walk, slightly impeded by a member of the opposite sex.
Franchise: What a person from France sees with.
Frankage: The only known method of sending hot air through the mails.
Freakish: A condition where a person wakes up in the morning, and everything goes well for the rest of the day.
Freckles: A nice sun tan - if they’d only get together.
Free Advice: The kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it.
Free Speech: When you can use someone else’s phone.
Free Verse: Verse written without rhyme or reason.
Freedom: Being able to do what you please without considering anyone but the wife, police, boss, life insurance company, province, federal, city authorities, and the neighbours.
Freelance: To collect unemployment.
Freelance Writer: A man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
French flies: What spiders eat with their burgers.
Freudian Slip: 2. A foot-in-mouth disease; 2. When you say one thing but mean your mother.
Friend: 1. One before whom one may think aloud; 2. One who has the same enemies you have; 3. One who knows all about you and still loves you just the same; 4. A person who listens attentively while you say nothing; 5. Someone who doesn’t believe the gossip he hears about you even if he knows it’s true; 6. Someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked; 7. One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives; 8. Someone who hears the song in our heart and tells us honestly that we're singing out of key.
Friends: 1. People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them; 2. Persons who stick together until debt do them part; 3. What you think you have oodles of, until you happen to be badly in need of just one; 3. There are two kinds of friends - those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
Friendship: 1. An emotion so sweet, loyal, and enduring that it lasts an entire lifetime - unless asked to lend money; 2. One mind in two bodies; 3. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
Fright: An emotion that starts with a start.
Frightened Flower Arranger: A petrified florist.
Frisbeetarian: One who believes that when you die, your soul goes up to the roof and gets stuck.
Frog: The only living thing that has more lives than a cat. It croaks every night.
Frown: A smile turned upside down.
Frozen: 1. A type of food; 2. Condition of children’s jaws when spinach is served; 3. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
Frugality: Being mean to yourself.
Fruitcake: The gift that keeps on giving.
Frump: A woman who looks her age and doesn’t try to overlook it.
Frust: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
Frustrate: Of prime quality.
Frustration: What happens when a mosquito bites a turnip.
Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Full Moon: When astronauts can’t land on the moon.
Fully Recovered: The guy who fell into an upholstery machine.
Fumigation: A smoke-flea environment.
Fumigator: A large, very angry reptile.
Fundamentalism: Fund = give money; Amentalism = without brains.
Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
Funny Paper: Paper that laughs.
Fur: (Southern) (1) Measure of distance; (2) Because of or to indicate possession. Usage: (1) “It’s a fur piece ta Etlanna.”; (2) “Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan.”
Furniture: Structures to support the human body in various positions.
Furthermore: Much farther than ‘further’.
Futile Remark: The one a man makes for the purpose of changing the subject when the wife complains because he has forgotten their wedding anniversary.
Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.
G String: Gownless evening strap.
Gabberflasted: The state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Gadget: Bright, alluring object with an inconspicuous price tag placed in a prominent position in a bait and tackle shop or moved slowly under the nose of a browsing angler.
Gaff: What old gaffers do when they have a young fisherman trapped in a boat with them. Fatal only if the young angler leaps out of the boat and attempts to swim three miles to shore while carrying his tackle box.
Galleon: A unit of measurement used on very old ships.
Gallop Virus: Sixty percent of PCs lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time, plus or minus 3.5 percent.
Gallery: A congregation of females.
Gambler: A man who makes his living out of hope.
Gambling: A way of getting nothing for something.
Game-Shame: The feeling of slight embarrassment that occurs when you realise what you thought was about half an hour of game play was actually about five hours, especially when you have inadvertently missed an event to which, under normal circumstances, you would have assigned a higher priority than game play.
Gamekeeper: A soccer goalie who doesn’t get upset, despite losing heavily.
Gangrene: To be feeling sick.
Garage: 1. Something usually built with a house attached; 2. An attic on a lower level.
Garbage: 1. Aromatic computer output; 2. A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself; 3. Period after the Ice Age when everyone put on clothes.
Garbage Can: An example of a collective noun.
Garbotuous: Big Bot search engine finder of diatribe data.
Garden: 1. A place where some of the bulbs seem to think they’re buried instead of planted; 2. A thing of beauty and a job forever; 3. Something most men prefer to turn over in their minds; 4. Something that dies if you don’t water it, and rots if you do.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Gardener: 1. Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up; 2. A man who never lets grass grow under his feet.
Gardening: 1. A matter of enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it; 2. Man’s effort to improve his lot.
Gargling: A good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gargoyle: An olive flavoured mouthwash.
Garlic: 1. A food never eaten by those who practice breath control; 2. One of the five elements. The other four are earth, air, fire and water.
Gas Station: A place where you fill the car and drain the family.
Gastric: Igniting flatulence.
Gastric Ulcer: Something you get mountain-climbing over mole hills.
Gateau: French for ’fetch water’.
Gaucho: The Marx Brother who moved to Argentina.
Gaudy: See Vegas, Las.
Gazebo: A cross between a gazelle, zebra and a hippo.
Gemini: How you should refer to James and yourself.
Gene: 1. The part of the human chromosome which insures that you and your spouse will eventually look, sound, behave and deteriorate just like your parents; 2. Blue denim pants.
Genealogy: 1. An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own; 2. Tracing yourself back to people better than you are; 3. I believe in moderation - I work on genealogy only on days that end in “y”; 4. The story of Aladdin’s discovery in the magic lamp; 5. Chasing your own tale.
Generally: Commander of Confederate forces.
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
Genius: 1. A capacity for making somebody else take infinite pains’ 2. A crackpot who made a screwball idea work; 3. Any other woman’s husband; 4. One percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration; 5. One who can do almost anything except make a living; 6. The infinite capacity not only for taking pains, but for giving them; 7. A crackpot who hit the jackpot; 8. A parent who can help his kids do their homework; 9. Someone shrewd enough and lazy enough to do the things right the first time; 10. A man who can talk his boss into giving him a raise… and his wife into letting him keep it; 11. Unrecognized talent; 12. A nudist with a memory for faces; 13. A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with “bright”; 14. Another word for magic... and the whole point of magic is that it is inexplicable; 15. A very intelligent person who lives in a magic lamp; 16. An average student with a Jewish mother.
Gentility: 1. Eating meat with a silver fork, neither being paid for; 2. What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.
Gentle: 1. Reproductive Organ; 2. Non-Jewish.
Gentleman: 1. A gardener who can call a spade a spade without adding any qualifying adjectives; 2. A man who doesn’t pretend to be anything that he isn’t; 3. A man who holds the door open for his wife while she carries in a load of groceries; 4. A man who is always as nice as he sometimes is; 5. A man who never makes passes at girls - to him they’re overtures; 6. A man who remembers a girl’s birthday but forgets her age; 7. A man who will step aside for a lady in a crowd, so she can make a pathway for him; 8. A man with more hay in the bank than in the barn; 9. Any man a girl hasn’t been out with yet; 10. A worn-out wolf; 11. Nothing but a wolf with his ears pinned back; 12. One who doesn’t care whether he is one or not; 13. One who has never heard the story before; 14. One who never hurts another’s feelings unintentionally; 15. Something made by three generations of one darn good guess on the stock market; 16. Any man who wouldn’t hit a woman with his hat on.
Gentleman Farmer: One who has more hay in the bank thank in the barn.
Genuine: How you ask Jennifer if she wants to join a card game.
Geologist: Fault finder.
Geometry: 1. What the acorn said after it grew up; 2. A tree made up of numbers and letters; 3. Without geometry, life is pointless.
Geranium: A nuclear fuel that smells nice.
Geriatric: Old guys playing cricket really well.
Germ: A little bug with influence.
Germ Phobia: An obsessive anxiety about the presence of germs in one’s surroundings, often characterized by increased isolation and panic attacks.
Germinate: To become a German citizen.
Germlish: Training done using a mixture of English & German.
Germs: The only things kids will share freely.
Getting A Little Action: I don’t need fiber today.
Getting Ahead: A process which implies that one must have one to start with.
Getting Lucky: Finding your car in the parking lot.
Ghost: A shadow of its former self.
Ghost Prisoner: A prisoner whose detention is not publicly acknowledged.
Ghost Town: A town full of haunted houses.
Ghost Writer: Spooksman.
G.I. Series: Baseball games between soldiers.
Gift Necktie: The tie that blinds.
Gift Shop: A place where you can see all the things you hope your friends won’t send you for Christmas.
Gifted Children: Unfortunate tykes who lack the good sense to hide their talents from overly ambitious parents.
Gigantic: The biggest, scariest bug in your dog’s fur.
GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out.
Gigolo: A fee-male.
Gihugeous: Really REALLY big.
Gimme: An agreement between two duffer golfers who can’t putt.
Ginger Ale: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.
Ginsing: Karaoke time at your local bar.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
Giraffes: A rich source of necks.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.
Girdle: 1. Accessory after the fat; 2. A device that a woman uses to make a waist out of her waste; 3. An article which prevents a lot of loose walk; 4. The difference between fact and figure.
Girl: Always one of three things: hungry, thirsty, or both.
Girl Scout: 1. A college male; 2. A boy who hunts for girls.
Girls: 1. Creatures who are fond of pretty clothes but are not wrapped up in them; 2. Creatures who can make up their faces more easily than their minds.
Gladiator: What the cannibal said after he had his mother-in-law for dinner.
Glamour: The capacity of a woman to get more out of a dress than she puts into it.
Glamour Girl: One who has what it takes to take what you have.
Glass: Chinese marijuana.
Glass Cliff: The phenomenon whereby individuals who belong to groups which are not well represented in leadership positions (i.e. women) are more likely to be found in positions which entail a greater than usual risk of failure.
Glasses: A device worn by some people to look more intelligent, but it really is an optical illusion.
Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Glibness: The uncanny ability of certain higher primates to issue a steady stream of words without the aid of conscious thought; considered an essential skill among political candidates and other comedians.
Globesity: The phenomenon of obesity in Western countries, seen as a worldwide health problem.
Glossary: Paint store.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close fitting as to allow any manual dexterity. They should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Glutton: 1. A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted; 2. A man who eats dessert before the echo of his soup has stopped; 3. One who digs his grave with his teeth.
Gluttony: An emotional escape, a sign something is eating us.
Goad: Past tense of go.
Goals: Dreams with deadlines.
Goat: A lamb who has kidded himself into believing that he knows Wall Street.
Goat Herder: A person who like to work with kids.
Goat Roper andGoat-Rope: “Goat Roper” is a derogatory term for a cowboy to infer that he is immature. Cowboys do not let their little boys rope cows; they let them practice on goats. Now can you imagine a half dozen little boys out trying to rope a goat? Kind of chaotic; ergo “a goat-rope.”
Goatee: A small goat.
Goats: Animals with bad manners - they always butt in.
Goblet: 1. A male turkey; 2. A genetically modified, small turkey.
Going Bra-Less: Pulls all the winkles out of your face.
Going On Business: Sightseeing and eating with a dull session in the middle.
Going Postal: Totally stressed out and losing it.
Gold Digger: 1. A fund-loving girl; 2. A girl who breaks dates by going out with them; 3. A girl who forgets all about the past and the future and simply enjoys the present; 4. A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test; 5. A sweet young girl with the gift of the grab; 6. A human gimme pig; 7. A woman after all; 8. A young woman who likes to go buy-buy; 9. A woman who pulls the wool over a man’s eyes and then fleeces him; 10. A tomato that needs a lot of lettuce; 11. A human gimme pig; 12. A girl who’s got what it takes to take what you’ve got; 13. A gal who believes in sinner take all; 14. A woman who doesn’t like a man’s company unless he owns it.
Gold Tooth: Flash in the pan.
Golden Age: When the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Golf: 1. Cow pasture pool; 2. A game in which a ball one and a half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8000 miles in diameter, the object being to hit the small ball but not the large; 3. A game that is played by a lot of men to keep from falling asleep in Church on Sunday mornings; 4. A game where the ball usually lies poorly and the player well; 5. Just a lot of walking broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic; 6. A certain something that depreciates when it’s above par; 7. A game in which purple people pursue white balls over green hills; 8. A game in which you play pool in the woods or beat around the bush; 9. A poolroom moved outdoors; 10. A game you play with your own worst enemy - yourself; 11. A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
Golf Accessories: Gadgets whose purchase improves players’ games primarily by eliminating bulk from their wallets, thereby reducing excessive trouser friction and allowing a smooth hip movement in the swing.
Golf Ball: Where a golfer dances.
Golf Course: The result of God having a mouthful of spinach and sneezing.
Golf Glove: An unpleasant odor worn on the hand.
Golf Grip: Mysterious ailment whose sudden but short-lived symptoms of violent coughing and sneezing usually occur on the tee or green. It can often be cured by pounding the sufferer vigorously on the back with a 5-iron.
Golf Optimist: A guy who said he made fifteen on the first hole, fourteen on the second, thirteen on the third, and then blew up.
Golfer: 1. A guy who can walk several miles toting 25 miles of equipment, but who has Junior bring him an ash tray; 2. A man who hits and tells.
Golfing: 1. The art of using a flawed swing, a poor stance and a weak grip to hit a small ball badly towards the wrong hole; 2. A pastime that gives people cooped up in the office all week a chance to lie and cheat outdoors.
Goliath: The biblical way to tell somebody to go tell an untruth.
Good: One of mankind’s most inexplicable perversions.
Good Advice: What a man gives when he gets too old to set a bad example.
Good Breeding: 1. An expedient to make fools and wise men equal; 2. That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service.
Good Citizen: One who behaves as if there were no laws.
Good Diplomat: Someone who can lose all the points and still win the game.
Good Essay: 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation.
Good For Nothing: An obedient child without an allowance.
Good Golf Weather: A decent forecast.
Good Husband: 1. One who feels in his pockets every time he passes a mail box; 2. One who will wash up when asked and dry up when told.
Good Job: 1. A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job; 2. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts - one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Good Lie: Weight on our driver’s license.
Good Line: The shortest distance between dates.
Good Neighbour: 1. A fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t climb it; 2. One who doesn’t borrow his garden hose back too often; 3. One who gives you the benefit of the dirt; 4. One who makes his noise at the same time you make yours.
Good Ole Boy: (Southern) Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin’, huntin’, and good lookin’ women, but not necessarily in that order. Usage: “Bubba’s a good ole boy.”
Good Old Days: 1. What people fifty years hence will be calling the present time; 2. When a juvenile delinquent was a kid who owed a few cents on an overdue library book; 3. When a man looked for money in his pockets before having a suit cleaned; 4. When a teenager went into the garage and came out with a lawn mower; 5. When the prisoner, not the sentence, was suspended; 6. A block of time which ended a week before you were hired; 7. When you got the landlord to fix anything by just threatening to move.
Good Secretary: A stenographer who must think like a man, act like a lady, and work like a horse.
Good Speech: 1. A beginning and a conclusion placed not too far apart; 2. Like a baby - easy to conceive but hard to deliver.
Good Sport: One who will always let you have your own way.
Good Sportsmanship: Not picking up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Good Storyteller: A person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven’t.
Good Talker: One who leans to listen.
Good Teacher: One who makes himself progressively unnecessary.
Good Times: 1. The period when you accumulate those debts that you’re unable to pay in bad times; 2. Those in which people who have money contrive to get a little more.
Good Toastmaster: One who knows when to pop up and when to pop down.
Good Friend: A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, supportive, comfortable, and always close to your heart.
Good Wife: One you can propose to on the front porch, and then still love in the kitchen.
Goodbye: A bargain.
Goose: A bird that supplies quills for writing.
Goose Bumps: To keep geese from speeding.
Goose Pimples: Duck acne.
Gorilla Warfare: When the sides get up to monkey tricks.
Gossip: 1. A newscaster without a sponsor; 2. Anything that goes in one ear and over the back fence; 3. A person who puts two and two together - whether they are or are not; 4. A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do as much damage; 5. A person who syndicates his conversation; 6. Letting the chat out of the bag; 7. Conversation without thought; 8. One who pumps to a conclusion; 9. One who takes people at deface value; 10. One with a keen sense of rumour; 11. Peddling meddling; 12. Sharing deride; 13. Sociologists on a mean and petty scale; 14. Somebody who knows how to add to… and to; 15. Something negative that is developed and then enlarged; 16. Talling the story; 17. The art of saying nothing in a way which leaves nothing unsaid; 18. When one just can’t leave bad enough alone; 19. The person who doesn’t gossip has no friends to speak of; 20. One who usually gets caught in her own mouth-trap; 21. Cheat-chat; 22. Something heard over the sour grapevine; 23. The knife of the party; 24. The opiate of the oppressed; 25. A person with a keen sense of rumor; 26. A prattlesnake; 27. Someone who suffers from acute indiscretion; 28. Someone who always gives the benefit of the dirt; 29. 24-hour teller; 30. Information that goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth greatly enlarged.
Gossip Columnist: 1. A guy who finds out things people don’t want known, and tells them to others to whom it doesn’t make any difference; 2. One who keeps us posted on how the other half lives it up; 3. The spies of life; 4. One who writes other’s wrongs.
Gourmet: A food fetishist.
Gout: A physician’s name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
Government: The great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Government Bureau: Where the taxpayer’s shirt is kept.
Government Deficit: The difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
Government Expert: One who complicates simple things.
Governmentium: The heaviest element yet known to science (see also Administratium).
GPF: Get Pissed Friday. A British tradition of having lunch at the Pub (Bangers and Mash with 5 pints of bitter).
Grade: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.
Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll - and on to his wife’s.
Graffiti: 1. Wit-and-run literature; 2. Urban scrawl; 3. Rude calligraphy of the streets, apt to embellish any wall, statue, subway car or whino within reach of a spray can; 4. Reassuring evidence that today’s youth retain a passing acquaintance with the written word.
Grammar: 1. Lives with granpar; 2. The difference between Feeling Your Nuts and Feeling You’re Nuts.
Grammatical Error: When Grandma screws up.
Grammer: Your father’s mother.
Grand Canyon: The hole of fame.
Grand Jury: One that says, “Not Guilty.”
Grand Theft Buggy: A game like Grand Theft Auto, but instead takes place in Amish country, using their methods of hijacking, such as picthforks and butter churns.
Grandchildren: The only people who can get fore out of you than the IRS.
Grandfather: A grandchild’s press agent.
Grandmother: 1. A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator; 2. An old lady who keeps your mother from spanking you.
Grandparent: 1. One who knows that spanking is unnecessary; 2. The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate.
Grandparents: 1. The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right; 2. Are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
Granivore: A monster that devours grandmothers.
Grantartica: The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Grapple Tackle: An illegal rugby tackle in which the opponent is held around the head and neck and pressure is applied to the neck, obstructing the trachea and carotid artery.
Grass: 1. The green stuff that wilts in the yard and flourishes in the garden; 2. What grows by the yard and dies by the foot.
Grass Widow: The angel a man loved, the human being he married, and the devil he divorced.
Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire.
Gratitude: 1. A secret hope of greater favours; 2. Happiness doubled by wonder; 3. The most painful thing to bear, next to ingratitude.
Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
Graveyard Shift: What takes place when an earthquake hits a cemetery.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski resort parking lots.
Gravy: A liquid magically attracted to ties.
Gray Hair: God’s graffiti.
Gray Matter: Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Graybar Land: The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly.
Grayed-Out: Excluded or denied. Taken from software where some icons are “grayed-out” and can only be used by authorized personnel with the correct password. In real life, a person has been “grayed-out” if he or she has been excluded from a meeting, project, conversation, etc.
Great American: What speakers call a man when they can’t think of anything specifically complimentary to say.
Great Canadian: What speakers call the Joe-kster after he obtained a Guinness World-1st Record for “Solo Handbells Marathon” - details @ Possibells.com …
Great Dane: The kind of puppy that has the house broken before he is.
Great Firewall of China : The internet blocking system which prevents access for Chinese internet users to sites deemed undesirable by the Chinese government.
Green Giant: Original member of the Peas Corps.
Great Timesaver: Love at first sight.
Green Shoe Brigade: A group of people who stand to profit from dubious practices conducted in the name of environmental protection.
Greens: Lunch we eat when we’d really love a cheeseburger.
Grey Matter: Brains.
Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
Greyhound Trainer: A race cur driver.
Griefing: Sabotage of online computer games (virtual sites), by players intent on causing havoc rather than abiding by the rules of the game.
Gripe: A ripe grape.
Griper Diaper: Underwear that complains a lot.
Grippe: What you do to a suitcase.
Griyuts: (Southern) What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. Usage: “Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on ’em, but Ah purely love ’em with red-eye gravy.”
Grocerise: To sell off non-perishable food articles through eBeh channels.
Grocery List: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Groan: An expression of appreciation for the horrible.
Groom: Least important member of wedding party, whose only duties are to show up on time, remember the ring, and try not to be drunk.
Gross: An Executive’s salary.
Grouch: One who distrusts people who flatter him and dislikes people who don’t.
Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.
Groundless Apprehension: That uneasy feeling right after the plane takes off.
Group (of Passengers): A large loud pack of passengers traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-boarding time of five minutes before departure or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
Group Therapy: A drama-in-the-round staged for the entertainment of a professional therapist, who commands the players to put on a new show each week and charges them for the privilege.
Growing Old: 1. A process hard to do gracefully with modern furniture; 2. To pass from passion to compassion.
Gruesome: 1. A little taller than before; 2. Became a little taller.
Gruntled: A satisfied (non-disgruntled) employee.
Guarantee: A legal vehicle which expires on the same day as your mechanical one.
Guest: A person for whom you lay out a special towel, which both of you know won’t be.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Guide: A person slightly less lost than you, who is paid to decide what to do next.
Guillotine: 1. A French chopping center; 2. The one sure cure for dandruff.
Guillozine: A magazine for executioners.
Guilt: 1. One of America’s most abundant resources; 2. The pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show; 3. The gift that keeps on giving.
Guitar: A hillbilly harp.
Gum: Adhesive for the hair.
Gum Slinger: First Wild West Dentist.
Gummit: (Southern) An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert!”
Gun Control: Using both hands.
Gunpowder: 1. A substance used to make nations friendly to each other; 2. Insecticide for humans.
Guru: One who knows more jargon than you.
Habitat: Place where a particular species of fish was last week.
Habits: 1. Cobwebs that become cables; 2. Trait jackets.
Habituate: Disgusting mannerisms - smoking for example.
Habitutation: Convincing people around an office to wear black and white.
Hackchoo: When you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Hair: 1. The only thing that will prevent baldness; 2. What will begin disappearing from your husband’s head and appearing in his nose and ears, soon after you exchange vows.
Hairball: When a cat throws up to the basketball hoop, and misses.
Hairdresser: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
Hairodynamics: Walking in the direction of the wind so your hair stays in place.
Hale: (Southern) Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. Usage: “General Sherman said ’War is Hale’ and he made sure it was.”
Hallucination: A belief owned exclusively by one person.
Halo: A greeting used by angels.
Halter: Something grooms get at the altar.
Ham On Rye: An alcoholic actor.
Hamlet: Small piece of pork.
Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Hamster: The animal least likely to be found in a synagogue.
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody’s pocket.
Hand Scanner: Singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings.
Handicap: 1. A device for “collective bargaining” on the first tee; 2. A ready-to-wear hat; 3. An allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers of very different ability to do equally poorly on the same course; 4. A head cover that’s easy to find and wear.
Handicapped Golfer: The man playing his boss.
Handicrapper: The largest stall in the office bathroom - the one with the most move-ment room that is reserved for handicapped people but is never available when you need it.
Handi-Wipes: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes.
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
Hands: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
Hanging: A suspended sentence.
Hangnail: Coat hook.
Hangover: 1. The wrath of grapes; 2. Something to occupy a head that wasn’t used the night before; 3. The moaning after the night before; 4. Toot ache.
Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Happiness: 1. A delicate balance between what one is and what one has; 2. A way station between two little and too much; 3. Good health and a poor memory; 4. Perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself; 5. That peculiar sensation you acquire when you are too busy to be miserable; 6. The perpetual possession of being well-deceived; 7. Seeing your boss’s face on the side of a milk carton; 8. You can always find it in the dictionary; 8. When what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony; 9. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Happy-Clappy: 1. a member of a Christian group that favours an informal religious ceremony with audience participation, as by handclapping, and contemporary music with religious lyrics; 2 Of or relating to such a form of worship, or its followers; 3. Excessively and shallowly emotional in an extroverted way.
Happy Marriage: A long conversation that always seems too short.
Hara-Kiri: A Japanese apology.
Harangue: A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangueoutang.
Hard Drive: 1. Going home in the muddy season with a flat tire; 2. The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error; 3. Six people traveling cross-country in a small car.
Hard Luck: Something composed of laziness, bad judgement, and poor execution.
Hard Times: When all we can pay is compliments.
Hard Water: The scientific name for ice.
Hard Work: 1. An accumulation of easy things you didn’t do when you should have; 2. The best remedy for all of life’s trials.
Hardest Arithmetic To Master: That which enables us to count our blessings.
Hardship: A boat protected with a heavy covering.
Hardware: 1. Where the people in your company’s software section will tell you the problem is; 2. Any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.
Hardware Store: Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn’t coming out any time soon.
Hare Brush: Used to groom a rabbit.
Harem: A community of women who subscribe to a circulating husband.
Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig from one place to another.
Harlez Vous Francais?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Harp: A piano in the nude.
Harpist: A plucky musician.
Harrison’s Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Has Beans: Used coffee grounds.
Has-been: One who lives on the reputation of his reputation.
Hash: 1. Enthusiastic food - the cook puts all she has into it; 2. A conglomeration of heterogenous incompatibles that is edible.
Hasty: Quick snack that stimulates the tongue.
Hat: 1. A woman’s clowning glory; 2. Something the average man covers his head with, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws into the ring, and the politician talks through.
Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg.
Haute Dog: Elegant frankfurter.
Hawaiian Punch: What you get when you mouth off to a Polynesian.
Hay: Grass à la mowed.
Haze: (Southern) A contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah... haze ignert.”
Head Cold: Rheum service.
Head Hunter: The person to see if you have lost your head.
Headlight: A dizzy spell.
Headlights: What the car driver uses to blind oncoming drivers.
Health: 1. The thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of the year; 2. What people are always drinking to before they fall down.
Health Food: The food they sell in hell.
Health Tourism: Travel for the purpose of a medical treatment to a country which offers the service at a cheaper rate or higher standard than that available in the traveler’s home country.
Hearsay: 1. Basic job description for interpreters; 2. What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Hearse: 1. A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a tail-ender is finally permitted to lead the procession; 2. What an undertaker has embroidered on his wife’s towel.
Heavens: The curse of respectability.
Heavy Dew: (Southern) A request for action. Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”
Heavy Duty: Loading an elephant.
Hebort: To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah.
Hebrew: A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.
Hebrute: Israeli aftershave.
Heckler: A guy who ribs you the wrong way.
Heidi: (Southern) Greeting. Usage: “Heidi all!”
Heir Cut: Disinheritance.
Heir Fare: Executor’s Fee.
Heir Filter: Last will and testament.
Heir Raid: When the relatives gather to hear the reading of the will.
Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.
Heista La Vista: Steal a panorama.
Helicopter: An egg beater with ambition.
Help: A computer feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
Helpless: The feeling you have when your goldfish is sick.
Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half.
Hemaglobe: The bloody state of the world.
Hemlock: The position a woman finds herself in when her high heel snags her skirt.
Hemorrhoid: A male from outer space.
Hen: An egg’s way of making another egg.
Hence: An enclosure for hens.
Henpecked Husband: One who is afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he is sterile.
Henry the Eight: Guy who invented fractions.
Hep: (Southern) To aid or benefit. Usage: “Ah can’t hep it if Ah’m still in love with you.”
Heredity: The bad traits a child gets from the other side of the family.
Hermit: 1. A girl’s baseball glove; 2. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
Hernia: Pertaining to a female’s knee.
Hero: 1. Someone who understands the responsibility that comes with his freedom; 2. One who is afraid to run away.
Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
Herpes: 1. What your gal does when you stop at a rest area; 2. What women do in the ladies’ room.
Herpetologist: One who studies the domesticated animal belonging to the lady of the house.
Herr Doctor: A cosmetologist.
Hex Rating: Classification for Harry Potter books.
Hick: A person who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
Hick Town: 1. One where, if you see a girl dining with a man old enough to be her father, he is; 2. One where there’s no place to go where you shouldn’t be.
Hide And Sick: A game played on a cruise ship by a large number of passengers.
High Fidelity: A drunk who goes home regularly to his wife.
High Heels: Heels invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
High School: A school atop the Sears Tower.
Highbrow: 1. A man who has found something more interesting than women; 2. A person who has the patience to sit through something that would make him a lowbrow if he didn’t; 3. One who likes a thing so long as he’s sure you like it too; 4. One whose learning has outstripped his intelligence; 5. The kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso; 6. A person who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
High Heels: the invention of a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
High Noon: Three martinis before lunch.
Highbrow: A person educated beyond his intelligence.
Highway: The space between billboards.
Himalaya: A rooster that lays an egg.
Hindsight: 1. What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers; 2. A sudden solution to a problem you’ve been sitting on for years; 3. Foresight without a future.
Hip: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge clichés.
Hip-Hop: The urban cultural reaction to the experience of being overtly and covertly marginalized by a fully enfranchised white American majority.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Hippochondriacs: People who worry a lot about their weight.
Hire Education: When an athlete is given financial inducements to attend a certain college.
Hire Yew: (Southern) Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. “Heidi. Hire yew?”
His: Pronoun, meaning hers.
Historian: 1. A prophet looking backwards; 2. A deaf person who goes on answering questions that no one has asked him; 3. A broad-gauge gossip; 4. An editor of yesterday’s news.
Historians: People who won’t let bygones be bygones.
Historical Novel: A fictitious tale covering up a stern reality.
History: 1. A chorus of hisses; 2. An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools; 3. Made real @ www.Possibells.com; 4. The only laboratory we have in which to test the consequences of thought; 5. The version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
Hitler: The greatest seizer of them all.
Hoarsepower: Basic unit of laryngitis.
Hobby: 1. Hard work you wouldn’t do for a living; 2. Something you do to have fun whether you enjoy it or not; 3. Something you get goofy about to keep from going nuts about things in general.
Hockey: 1. Mayhem on ice; 2. A form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.
Hockshop: The loansomest place in town.
Hod: (Southern) Not easy. Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”
Hogwash: Pig’s laundry.
Holding Company: A thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
Hole: The bigger you take away from it, the bigger it becomes.
Hole-In-One: 1. A stroke of genius; 2. An occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole on a single shot by a golfer playing alone; 3. Time to get new pantyhose.
Hollow: An empty greeting.
Hollywired: The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers.
Hollywood: 1. A place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars; 2. A place where they’ll pay you $50,000 for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul; 3. The only asylum run by its inmates; 4. A town that has to be seen to be disbelieved; 5. A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors; 6. A sunny spot for shady people; 7. The place bad guys go when they die.
Hollywood Marriage: Much “I do” about nothing.
Hollywood Pal: Someone who is always around when he needs you.
Hollywood Producer: 1. An executive who wears a worried look on his assistant’s face; 2. An ulcer with authority; 3. A man who has got hold of some money and some brains, and is using the money.
Hollywood Supervisor: The kind of a guy you’d use for a blueprint if you were building an idiot.
Hollywood Wedding: One where they take each other for better or worse - but not for long.
Holy: What my old socks are.
Holy Mackerel: Fish served at Church supper.
Holy Smoke: A Church on fire.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Home: 1. A place in which we are treated the best and grumble the most; 2. A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him; 3. There’s no place like it if you haven’t got the money to go out; 4. Where part of the family waits until the rest of them bring back the car; 5. The place where you can scratch any place you itch; 6. A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the office; 7. A place to go when all the other joints are closed.
Home Cooking: 1. What more women should be; 2. The place many a man thinks his wife is.
Home Page: When your family makes your beeper go off.
Home Town: Where they wonder how you ever got as far as you did.
Homesharing: The provision of accommodation by an older person to a younger person in need of accommodation, in exchange for help with household chores and a degree of companionship.
Homework: 1. Schoolwork to go; 2. Skull-drudgery.
Homicide: The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another - the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.
Homoeopathist: The humorist of the medical profession.
Homophobia: Fear of going into your own house.
Homosexual: A man’s man.
Honest: That which a man gets credit for being when he’s merely doing business with folks that never give him a chance to be anything else.
Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
Honesty: 1. The fear of being caught; 2. The greatest handicap you can have in golf.
Honeycomb: Hair styling tool used by bees.
Honeymoon: 1. A short period of doting between dating and debting; 2. Coo-existence; 3. The period between “I do” and “You’d better.”; 4. The thrill of a wife-time; 5. The time during which the bride believes the bridegroom’s word of honour; 6. The vacation a man takes before starting to work for a new boss; 7. The period of time that elapses between ’I Do’ and ’You’d Better’; 8. A trip newlyweds take to exotic, romantic resorts to discover passion, love and what their spouse really does in the bathroom.
Honeymoon Sandwich: Just lettuce alone, with no dressing.
Honeymooner: A bee that drops his pants.
HonkoSecond: The time between the light turning green and the sound from the car horn behind you.
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one’s reach. In legislative bodies it’s customary to mention all members as honorable - as in ’the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.’
Hook: 1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish; 2. Irritating but highly reliable device used to quickly locate the position of one’s thumb at the bottom of a tackle box; 3. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel; 4. The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings.
Hooker: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.
Hooky: When a small boy lets his mind wander - and then follows it.
Hope: A pathological belief in the occurrence of the impossible.
Hopscotch: A mixed drink made with whiskey and beer.
Horizon: A call girl hopping out of bed.
Hormones: What a prostitue does when she isn’t paid.
Hornet: What a goat does with its head to something that it doesn’t like.
Horse: 1. An oatsmobile; 2. An animal that cannot say yes, only neigh; 3. An animal that goes to bed with its shoes on.
Horse Sense: 1. Something a horse has that keeps him from betting on people; 2. A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on the races; 3. The thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people; 4. A sure sign of a stable mind; 5. Stable thinking coupled with the ability to say nay (neigh); 6. When a fellow knows enough to stay away from a nag.
Horsepower: A power which has put the horse out of business.
Hospice: Equine urine.
Hospital: 1. A place where people who are run down wind up; 2. A place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
Hospital Bed: A parked taxi with the meter running.
Hospital Room: A place where friends of the patient go to talk to other friends of the patient.
Hospitality: 1. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging; 2. Making your guests feel at home... even when you wish they were.
Hot: (Southern) A blood-pumping organ. Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”
Hot Chocolate: Stolen candy.
Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.
Hot Pants: Breeches of promise.
Hot Spot: 1. Place on any given stream or lake, usually known only to locals, where fish can be found; 2. Place in the center of the palm of the right hand of locals where money may be placed to help find 1.
Hot Time: A clock in an oven.
Hotel: A place where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Hotel Maids: Experts with spread sheets.
Hour Glassing: Waiting for your computer to finish a task.
House: Domicile purchased by married couples so they have some place to pour all their money.
House Doctor: One who specializes in window panes.
Housefly: A small insect with wings, six legs and a roof.
Housemother: The question to enquire about anyone’s female parent’s health.
Houseplants: 1. Vegetable companions; 2. Pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw up on the carpet.
Housewarming: The last call for wedding presents.
Housework: 1. Something you do that nobody notices unless you don’t do it; 2. A treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counterproductivity.
Housing: Laconic question asked of one’s voice coach.
Housing Development: Where the builder tears all the trees out of the plot, then names the streets after them.
Howling Success: The baby that gets picked up.
HR: Hardly Relevant.
Hug: 1. A roundabout way of expressing affection; 2. Energy gone to waist.
Huh?: The first word a convenience store worker learns.
Hula Dancer: A shake in the grass.
Human Being: 1. Like a freight car - guaranteed a certain capacity, but always running empty; 2. A wonderful mechanism that starts functioning the minute you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to the office; 3. A complex mechanism used to convert coffee into urine.
Human Brain: 1. Like a freight car - guaranteed a certain capacity, but always running empty; 2. A wonder part of the anatomy that starts to function when you are born, and doesn’t quit until you decide to become a politician.
Human Resources: The layoff people.
Humanilebrity: A celebrity who is a humanitarian and uses his or her fame to bolster a cause.
Humble Pie: Appease pudding.
Humbug: A singing cockroach.
Humdinger: The sound a grandfather clock makes just before striking.
Humdrum: 1. A duet between someone who sings a non-verbal melody and someone who plays percussion; 2. What a drummer does when he forgets his sticks.
Humiliation: An emotion caused by suddenly shrinking to one’s normal proportions.
Humility: 1. The ability to act ashamed when you tell people how wonderful you are; 2. The solid foundation of all the virtues; 3. The pride of the humble; 4. The minute you think you’ve got it, you’ve lost it.
Hummer: A vehicle that can’t sing.
Humor, Humour: 1. Reason gone mad; 2. Emotional chaos remembered in tranquility; 3. A smoke screen that keeps us from being blinded by reality; 4. A feat, after the invention of language, which is man’s proudest achievement; 5. The pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.
Humourist: 1. Someone who knows how to feel pretty good about feeling pretty bad; 2. A writer who shows us the faults of human nature in such a way that we recognize our failing and smile - and our neighbour’s and laugh.
Hunch: 1. What you call an idea that you’re afraid is wrong; 2. Creativity trying to tell you something.
Hungarian: A very well-endowed man from Gary, Indiana.
Hungary: Country with the biggest appetite.
Hunger: 1. What the posse did to the lady cattle rustler; 2. Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying; 3. The best sauce in the world.
Husband: 1. A man who exchanges a bushel of fun for a peck of trouble; 2. A man who, if given enough rope, will be tied up at the office; 3. A man who knows that his wife’s reasoning is largely sound; 4. A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness; 5. An experienced domestic creature who can guess what his wife is going to say before she repeats it; 6. A polygamous animal in a monogamous strait-jacket; 7. One who lays down the law to his wife, then accepts all her amendments; 8. One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him; 9. One who thinks twice before saying nothing; 10. The next thing to a wife; 11. What’s left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed; 12. A domesticated wolf; 13. someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house; 14. A man of few words; 15. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so; 16. What’s left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed; 17. A man who has chased a woman until she has caught him; 18. One who has several small mouths to feed and one big one to listen to.
Husband-hunting: A sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license.
Husbandry: A large number of husbands.
Hush Money: The proof that money talks and also stops talk.
Hybrid Car: Latin for “gutless wonder”
Hydra: A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.
Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.
Hymen: Guys on pot.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Hyper Diaper: Overactive underwear.
Hypochondria: 1. A disease without a disease; 2. The only disease I haven’t got.
Hypochondriac: 1. One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better; 2. A person with infinite capacity for faking pains; 3. One who can’t leave well-enough alone; 4. A woman who always broods over her health, but never hatches a remedy; 5. Someone with a sick sense; 6. A person who calls a Doctor when he wants an audience; 7. A person with plenty of sham pain.
Hypocoindria: Fear of not having correct change.
Hypocrisy: 1. The homage which vice pays to virtue; 2. When an uppity hippo pretends to be something it isn’t; 3. A hypocrite is someone who - but who isn’t?
Hypocrite: 1. A man who sets good examples when he has an audience; 2. One who pretends to be burying the hatchet when he’s only digging up dirt; 3. One who talks on principles and acts on interest; 4. One who complains about all the sex and violence on their VCR; 5. A guy who isn’t himself on Sundays.
Hypodermic Needle: A sick shooter.
Hypotenuse: When the washroom upstairs is occupied.
Hypothescience: The intuition that a solution to an intractable problem could be found, if people would just take time to work on it.
Hypothesis: 1. First thing a Redneck teenager says to his father on the phone; 2. Hippo, horse; thesis, placing: putting something on a horse.
Hysteria: Fancy stress bawl.
I For An I: When two egotists meet.
I Said So: Reason enough, according to Dad.
IBM: 1. Inferior But Marketable; 2. It’s Better Manually; 3. Insidious Black Magic; 4. It’s Been Malfunctioning; 5. Incontinent Bowel Movement; 6. International Business Machines.
Ice: 1. One of the few things that really is what it’s cracked up to be; 2. An example of hard water; 3. Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
Ice Cool: The institution of learning which stands midway between grammar school and college.
Ice Cream: What I do when scared.
Ice Fishing: Winter fishing method in which anglers use a variety of specialized equipment to catch colds.
Iceburg: An uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Iceomaniac: One who has to go out of their way to step on thin ice to hear a satisfying crunching sound.
Icicle: A stiff piece of water.
Icing: What I do in the shower.
Iconomic: Making do with fewer icons on your computer desktop.
Id: That part of the psyche that unconsciously makes demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs, like that candy bar you’re eating right now.
Idea: A point of departure and no more. As soon as you elaborate, it becomes transformed by thought.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Ideal: 1. My turn to shuffle the cards; 2. A person who wants to deal every time.
Ideal Guest: One who stays at home.
Ideal Person: A card player who always wants to deal. (see also Ideal)
Ideal Summer Resort: A place where fish bite and mosquitoes don’t.
Ideal Wife: Any woman who has an ideal husband.
Idealist: 1. One who upon observing that a rose smells better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup; 2. A person who helps other people to be prosperous; 3. One who tries to keep politics out of politics.
Ideals: Funny little things that don’t work unless you do.
Ideologue: An obscure humourless zealot who finds fulfilment by spouting the ideas of famous humourless zealots.
Idinit: (Southern) Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain’t. Usage: “Mighty hot today, idinit?”
Idiot: 1. Any person who fails to see your point in a discussion; 2. A man who sees your point in an argument but refuses to see your way.
Idiot, Complete: No parts missing from the kit.
Idleness: A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
Idolize: Lazy eyeballs.
If: A two-letter word for futility.
Igloo: 1. An icicle built for two; 2. An Alaskan toilet.
Ignert: (Southern) Not smart. Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”
Ignoramus: 1. Someone who doesn’t know something that you learned yesterday; 2. A big, stupid animal that wallows in mud; 3. The best thing to do if Ramus shows up.
Ignorance: When you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and DUBM.
Ikea: Swedish for maze.
Illegal: A sick bird.
Illegibility: A Doctor’s prescription written with a post-office pen in the rumble seat of a second-hand car.
Illegitimate: Not a hypochondriac.
Imagination: 1. What prevents us from being as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as in the arms of a duchess; 2. Something that sits up with a woman when her husband is out late; 3. What makes some politicians think they’re statesmen; 4. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership; 5. What puts men in asylums unless they are crazy enough to put it down on paper or canvas.
IMAO: In My Arrogant Opinion.
Imargination: The fantasy of being linealized.
IMHO: In My Humble Opinion.
Immediate: To refrain from meditating.
Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
Immortality: A fate worse than death.
IMNSHO: In My Not-So-Humble Opinion.
Immodium Podium: why some athletes didn’t make it to the podium.
Impasta: Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
Impatience: Waiting in a hurry.
Impeach: A pixie fruit.
Impeccable: 1. Having immunity to woodpeckers; 2. Hidden from birds.
Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity.
Implement: Mischievous child’s garden tool.
Impossible: 1. That which takes a little longer; Difficult: That which can be done immediately; 2. What nobody can do until somebody does it; 3. A word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
Impossible Lie: A ball that is in a position that is both completely obstructed by an immovable object and continuously observed by an incorruptible player.
Impostor: A rival aspirant to public honours.
Impotence: 1. Nature’s way of saying “No Hard Feelings”; 2. Emission impossible.
Impotent: 1. Willy-nilly; 2. Distinguished, well known; 3. Heir-minded but not heir-conditioned.
Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
Impressario: The only man who never suffers in the long run.
Impressionism: The newspaper of the soul.
Impropriety: The soul of wit.
In Crowd: The Sultans of Snoot.
In Disguise: How Black Holes kept from being discovered by coal miners.
IN GOD WE TRUST: All others we virus scan.
In Seine: Those who jump off a Paris bridge.
Inbred: Best way to eat peanut butter and jelly.
Incense: 1. Holy Smoke; 2. A wishful stink.
Inch: Unit of measure whose length is consistently underestimated by men.
Inchworm: Tiny moth larva favoured as food by trout and as bait by trout fishermen, who, from force of deep-routed habits, invariably refer to them as foot-and-a-halfworms.
Incidental Exercise: Exercise that is built into the routine of one’s daily life (i.e. walking up and down stairs rather than taking the elevator; cleaning the house rather than employing a housecleaner).
Income: 1. Something you cannot live without nor within; 2. The sum of money which it costs more than to live.
Income Tax: 1. A fine imposed for reckless thriving; 2. Guaranteed annual rage; 3. The first touch of spring; 4. Uncle Sam’s version of “Truth or Consequences”; 5. The entry fee for the rat race; 6. Pain in the Cash.
Income Tax Expert: Someone whose fee is the amount he saves you in making out your tax return.
Income Tax Return: Something that if you make out honestly you go to the poorhouse; or if you make it out dishonestly - you go to jail.
Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
Inconceivable: What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object.
Incongruous: Where our laws are made and how they appear.
Incunebula: A late 15th-century book about astronomy.
Indecision: 1. Under the whether; 2. The key to flexibility.
Independent: 1. How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say; 2. Something (i.e. a picture) enclosed in a locket worn around the neck.
Index: What poker cards come in.
Indifference: 1. The only sure defense; 2. A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”
Indigestion: The failure of a round stomach to adjust to a square meal.
Indigo: Helping baby eat her peas.
Indispose: How de photographer wants you to stand.
Ineptocracy: A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion.
Infamy: Redneck for ‘Out to get me’ - as in, ‘They had it infamy.’
Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.
Infantry: 1. A sapling; 2. A young, immature tree; 3. An arrangement of infants.
Inferiority Complex: The feeling that sweeps over a notorious hold-up man when he gets his check in a nightclub.
Infidel: 1. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does; 2. Where most Cuban fried chicken winds up.
Infidels: They are not Christians because they believe in infidelity.
Infield Dirt: Double play ground.
Infinity: 1. A kind of foreverness that begins when a speaker says, “and in conclusion...”; 2. A floorless room without walls or ceilings.
Inflation: 1. A fate worse than debt; 2. A national headache caused by asset indigestion; 3. When one can live as cheaply as two; 4. A state of affairs where you never had it so good, or parted with it so fast; 5. Just a drop in the buck; 6. The art of cutting a dollar bill in half without touching the paper (or cutting money in half without damaging the paper); 7. When dollars to doughnuts becomes an even bet; 8. When nobody has enough money because everybody has too much; 9. A period when two can live as steeply as one; 10. Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket; 11: When you can’t have your cake - dieting is when you can’t eat it; 12. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Inflation Index: A rise in the price of playing cards.
Inflaton: Hypothetical particle thought to be responsible for cosmic inflation.
Influence: Something you think you have until you try to use it.
Infomania: The tendency to give immediate attention to incoming messages (i.e. email, text messages), resulting in constant distraction and a corresponding drop in the recipient’s attention levels and work performance.
Information: How geese and migratory birds fly.
Information Center: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Information Fee: Know charge.
Information Processing: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won’t let it be discussed in their presence.
Informed Source: 1. Him; 2. The guy who told the guy you just met.
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
Inhibition: Being tied up in nots.
Injustice: A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.
Inkling: A baby fountain pen.
Innocent Bystander: A person so simple-minded he doesn’t know enough to get out of the way.
Innuendo: An Italian enema.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Inpatient: Tired of waiting.
Input: Whatever turns you on.
Input/Output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Insane: Abbreviation for Ph.D.
Insanity: 1. Grounds for divorce in some provinces; grounds for marriage in all; 2. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results; 3. Knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it.
Inscribe: What you call a person who writes for an inn.
Insecticide: What the despondent ant committed.
Inside: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
Insincerity: A method by which we can multiply our personalities.
Insinuate: Adam and Eve’s least favourite word.
Insomnia: 1. The inability to sleep even when it’s time to get up; 2. A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents; 3. What a person has when he lies awake all night for an hour; 4. A gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking; 5. The triumph of mind over mattress.
Inspiration: A force that poets have invented to give themselves.
Install: Where you keep your horse.
Installment: Putting a horse in his stall.
Installment Payment: 1. A condition which makes the months shorter and the years longer; 2. A way to make the months seem shorter or to make time fly.
Instant: An eternity that takes only a moment.
Interval In Music: The distance from one piano to the next.
Instinct: The faculty which tells a woman whether a man needs inducement or encouragement.
Institutional Investor: Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
Insulting Telegram: Barbed wire.
Insults: The arguments employed by those who are in the wrong.
Insurance: 1. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table; 2. A form of gambling in which we bet our chance of escaping disaster, and win only when we lose; 3. A guarantee that, no matter how many necessities a person had to forgo all through life, death was something to which he could look forward to.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Integrated Circuit: A circuit With black-and-white components.
Integrity: The thing that keeps you from looking ahead to see how the story ends.
Intellectual: 1. A fellow who is willing to discuss the preceding night’s television programs, but makes it clear he only happened to be watching because the children turned the set on; 2. Someone who knows when to quote what some bright fellow once said; 3. A guy who can keep his mind on a book at a beach; 4. Someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Intellectual Snob: Someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger.
Intelligence: is like a 4 wheel drive - it allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
Intelligent Girl: 1. One who knows how to refuse a kiss without being deprived of it; 2. One who knows less than the man with whom she happens to be talking at the moment.
Intelligent Minority: A group which doesn’t stay that way after it becomes a majority.
Intelligent Woman: One who has brains enough to tell a man how wonderful he is.
Intense: 1. Where campers sleep; 2. A camping vacation.
Intense Pain: Torture in a teepee.
Inter Nos: Where boogers live.
Interdepartment Football Game: Night of the long knives on a July afternoon.
Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
Interim Release: A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.
Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of doing to his own.
Intermet: Ending friendly e-mail conversations with a new acquaintance: “nice to have intermet you.” A smiley emoticon is optional.
Intern: 1. A fellow who takes a turn for the nurse; 1. Next in line.
Internet: The best library in the world, but with all its books strewn across the floor.
Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.’s for the purpose of weeding out the weak and infirm among them, and eroding the health of the survivors sufficiently to ensure better empathy in the years to come.
Interpreter: 1. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter’s advantage for the other to have said; 2. A ventriloquist using two dummies.
Intersection: A place where two wrongs make a rite.
Intervals: What most people work at.
Intimacy: 1. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction; 2. The first step toward parenthood.
Intoxication: To feel sophisticated and not be able to pronounce it.
Intron: A bit of your DNA that appears to do nothing. The Intron of a company is the Marketing Department.
Intuition: 1. Suspicion in skirts; 2. That which enables a woman to put tow and two together and get your number; 3. The ability women have to read between the lines on a blank page; 4. The sixth sense that allows a woman five wrong guesses; 5. The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is or not; 6. Woman’s ability to read between men’s lyings; 7. Feminine radar.
Invention: Something you don’t recall copying from others.
Invest: 1. A word which comes before investigate in the dictionary, but which follows it in practice; 2. Not in the east.
Investiquire: The act of investigating non-common knowledge.
Invitro Fertilization: The innoculate conception.
I.O.U.: 1. A type of paper wait; 2. Three letters people hate to write.
I.P. Address: The urinal.
Iraqnaphobia: Fear of spiders in Baghdad.
Irish: An English-piquing people.
Irish Husband: A man who hasn’t kissed his wife in twenty years, but will kill the man who does.
Irish Red Hair: Scarlet O’Hara.
Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
Irony: 1. Being witty at all costs; 2. A vegetarian catching swine flu.
Irrelevant: Taking an economics course, and you have no money.
Irrepressible: Hopelessly wrinkled.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing!
Isopod: Hi-tech igloo.
I.T.: Customer Support without the common sense.
It’s A Feature: From the adage “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
It’s In Progress: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
Italic: The language spoken by ancient Italians.
iWhiner: A person who cries because after they bought a piece of technology, the price drops.
Jack: A thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going.
Jackasspirin: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
Jackpot: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
Jade: A semi-precious stone or a semi-precious woman.
Jail: The original key club.
Jailbait: Prison food.
Jamaica: Question usually asked of a fraternity man when he returns from a date.
Janitor: The only man who makes a quick clean-up in Wall Street and gets away with it.
Jape: You little monkey!
Jargon: The vase is no longer there.
Java Nagila: They’re dancing the hora at the coffeehouse.
Jawjuh: (Southern) A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
Jay Walker: A person who bets two legs against four wheels and usually loses.
Jaywalking: An exercise that brings on that rundown feeling.
Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges.
Je Ne Sais Quoi: Sorry, I don’t know what this means...
Jean d’Arc: The lightbulb is out in the bathroom.
Jeans: 1. Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits; 2. What chromosomes wear.
Jealousy: 1. The friendship one woman has for another; 2. The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste; 3. The tribute mediocrity pays to genius.
Jeep: 1. A cocktail shaker with three speeds; 2. A man’s most nearly successful effort to produce a mechanical mule; 3. A vehicle which, if it were struck by lightning, the lightning would be towed away for repair.
Jeet: (Southern) Have you recently had a meal? Usage: “Jeet yet?”
Jello: The only food your husband has ever learned to cook.
Jesuits: An order of Priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jet Set: Gypsies with money.
Jew: (Southern) Did you. Usage: “Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?”
Jewdo: A traditional form of self defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.
Jewelers: Men who ought to keep abreast of the times and rent wedding rings.
Jewelry: A woman’s best friend.
Jiffy: One metric ton of peanut butter.
Jitterbug: 1. A Scotchman in front of a pay toilet; 2. Insect that’s had too much coffee.
Joan of Arc: Noah’s wife.
Job: 1. A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting; 2. A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
Job Vacuums: Employees who voluntarily sweep up extra duties & show strong work ethic.
Jobsolete: A position within a company that no longer exists.
Jockey: What a dentist uses when you won’t open your mouth.
joe-ks.com: Largest Source of Internet Humour, eh!
Johnny Cash: A dime for the pay toilet.
Johnny-No-Stars: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ’no-stars’ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
Joint Account: An account where one person does the depositing and the other the withdrawing - usually husband and wife.
Joint Chequing Account: A device to allow the wife to beat her husband to the draw.
Joint Custody: Looking after the stash.
Jonah: The original ’Jaws’ story.
Journalism: 1. Literature in a hurry; 2. A profession whose business it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand; 3. The ability to meet the challenge of filling space.
Journalist: A person who works harder than any other lazy person in the world.
Joy Of Motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the kids are in bed.
Joy Ride: Going somewhere without the kids.
JTM: Japanese Tourist Mode - pointing your camera at, and shooting anything that moves.
Ju Here: (Southern) A question. Usage: “Ju here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
Jubliant: Triumphant insect.
Judge: 1. A law student who marks his own examination papers; 2. A lawyer who once knew a politician; 3. A man in a trying position.
Juggernaut: Jug full of nothing.
Juggling: The art of controlling patterns in time and space.
Juicy: Did you notice?
Jukebox: A device for inflicting your musical taste on people who wouldn’t give a plugged nickel for it.
Jumbo: Flying elephant.
Jump: The last word in airplanes.
Jumping At Conclusions: Not half as much exercise as digging for facts.
Jumpsuits: What frogs wear for a night on the town.
June: The month when unmarried girls like to be well-groomed.
Junior Varsity: The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.
Junk: 1. Dad’s stuff; 2. Something you keep ten years and then throw away two weeks before you need it.
Jury: 1. A body of twelve men selected to decide which of the contestants has the better lawyer; 2. A group of twelve people of average ignorance; 3. A group of 12 people, who, having lied to the judge about their health, hearing, and business engagements, have failed to fool him; 4. A body of citizens who will try anyone once.
Justice: 1. When your kids have kids of their own; 2. The insurance which we have on our lives and property; to which may be added, and obedience is the premium which we pay for it; 3. A decision in your favour; 4. Truth in action; 5. A system of revenge wherein the State imitates the criminal; 6. A law of nature rarely found in human affairs; 7. What’s left in the glass after you’ve drunk the lemonade.
Juvenile: 1. That stage in a child’s life when a youngster stops asking his parents where he came from and tells them where to go; 2. Small African river before it got huge.
Juvenile Delinquency: Modern term for what we did as kids.
Juvenile Delinquent: 1. A youngster who has been given a free hand but not in the proper place; 2. A kid who starts acting like his parents.
Juvenile Delinquents: Other people’s children.
Kamikaze: Japanese for cruise missile.
Kangaroo: 1. A pogo stick with a pouch; 2. An animal who carries her brood in a snood; 3. Nature’s initial effort to produce a cheerleader; 4. Is “What did you say?” in the language of the Australian natives. (Captain Cook’s mistake).
Kappa: What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas.
Karaoke: 1. Japanese for “Drunk with Microphone”; 2. Japanese for “tone deaf”.
Karate: A drink enjoyed by martial artists
Karma: Justice without the feeling of satisfaction.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer, eh!
Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.
Keratin: What preserved carrots are sold in.
Ketchup: 1. Motivation for the last runner in a race; 2. Come from behind; 3. What the runners behind in a race want to do; 4. The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right; 5. Command shouted at tomato that is slowest to ripen.
Kettle Drum: What musicians boil water in.
Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
Keyboard: 1. Place to hang your keys; 2. The standard way to generate computer errors.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Khaki: A thing for starting a car.
Kibitzer: A guy with an inferiority complex.
KIBO: Knowledge In, Bullshit Out.
Kidnap: 1. Something that a young child takes when tired; 2. When a baby goat sleeps.
Kidnapping: The short snatches of rest a parent gets when baby sleeps.
Kidney: 1. Midpoint of a child’s leg; 2. An organ used to convert beer into urine.
Kids: 1. People to be nice to since they’re the ones who will choose your nursing home; 2. Ones who dance before they learn there is anything that isn’t music.
Killing Time: Suicide on the installment plan.
Kilogram: Why Gramps is in jail.
Kilt: A costume sometimes worn by Scotsmen in America and Americans in Scotland.
Kin: An affliction of the blood.
Kindness: 1. Something you can’t give away since it always come back; 2. A language that the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear.
Kindred: Fear that relatives are coming to stay.
Kinetics: Science of understanding your family.
Kinship: Your rich Uncle’s boat.
Kinstipation: A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Kipper:1. An adult child still living in the home of his or her parents, often as a result of pressure in the housing market; 2. Fish that likes to sleep.
KIPPERS: K(ids) I(n) P(arents’) P(ockets) E(roding) R(etirement) S(avings)
Kiss: 1. Keep It Simple, Stupid; 2. A contraction of the mouth due to an enlargement of the heart; 3. A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous; 4. A mutual interchange of salivary bacteria; 5. An indescribable something that is of no value to anyone but is much prized by the right two; 6. A noun; though often used as a conjunction it is never declined; it is more common than proper, is used in the plural, and agrees with all genders; 7. Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant, ecstasy for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged, and homage for the old; 8. The anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction; 9. The shortest distance between two; 10. Two divided by nothing; 11. What the child gets free, the young man steals, and the old man buys; 12. Something that is taken at face value; 13. A lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous; 14. Mom medicine.
Kissing: 1. A means of shortening single life; 2. A means of getting two people so close together that they can’t see anything wrong with each other.
Kitchenette: A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.
Kleenex: 1. What men should be like: soft, strong, and disposable; 2. Your daily nose-paper; 3. The one item you will forget to take with you down the aisle which will result in your making a loud, wet, snuffling sound every ten seconds during the ceremony.
Kleptomaniac: 1. Someone who can’t help helping himself; 2. A person who helps herself because she can’t helop herself; 3. A thief with breeding; 4. A rich thief; 5. One who applauds obsessively.
Klutz: What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you’re holding.
Knapsack: A sleeping bag.
Knewlyweds: Second marriage for both.
Knickerbockers: A long name for short pants.
Knighthood: Honour bestowed by a King to change the subject.
Knitting: An occupation that gives women something to think about while talking.
Knocker: A fellow who gets caught on the losing side.
Knockout: A woman who can box.
Knot: A tangle with a name.
Know-it-all: One who pretends to know something about everything but really knows nothing about anything.
Knowledge: Knowing that we cannot know.
Knowledge Silo: The person in the company who knows what they are talking about.
Kumpny: (Southern) Guests. Usage: “Be home on time. We’s havin’ kumpny for supper.”
Lab: A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect.
Laboratory Animals: Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
Labour: A group which, in working for the five-day week, looks longingly for a five-day weekend.
Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Lackadaisical: Mood after someone steals your flowers.
Lactomangulation: Manhandling the ’open here’ spout on a mile container so badly that one has to resort to the ’illegal’ side.
Lad: A short ladder.
Ladies’ Sewing Circle: Where more husbands are darned than socks.
Lady: 1. A woman who always remembers others, and never forgets herself; 2. A woman who has enough willpower to resist a man’s advances and enough wile power to block his retreat; 3. A woman who makes it easy for a man to be a gentleman; 4. One who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
Lady Garden: A woman’s pubic region.
Lady Pilot: A plane Jane.
Lagoon: A French idiot.
Lake: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
Lamb: An animal that gets more sheepish with age.
Lamestream: 1. Traditional media providing news and entertainment, viewed as lacking the originality and daring of the blogosphere; 2. Of or relating to such traditional media.
Lamplify: Turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
LAN: To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”
LAN Down Under: Local Area Network in Australia.
Landed Gentry: Men who are either married or engaged.
Landlord: A man who aims to lease.
Landmark: Imprint made by unsuccessful skydiver.
Language: The blood of the soul into which thoughts run, and out of which they grow.
Lap: 1. What you lose every time you stand up; 2. What you have only when you are sitting down.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Lapel: The only tangible thing to be grasped in an argument.
Laplander: The most awkward man on a crowded bus.
Las Vegas: 1. Cheesy done well; 2. Just wheels and wails; 3. The land of the spree and the home of the knave; 4. A place where men get chip-wrecked; 5. A place where wheels steer people; 6. Where good taste goes to die.
Lassie Faire: A carnival for collies.
Lassitude: A heroic dog with attitude.
Lasting Impression: What a Sumo wrestler leaves in his mattress.
Laugh: 1. A smile that burst; 2. A smile that can’t contain its enthusiasm.
Laughing Stock: Cattle with a sense of humour.
Laughter: 1. The sound you hear when you logon to joe-ks.com; 2. The sensation of feeling food all over and showing it principally in one spot; 3. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It’s infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
Launch: Midday meal for astronauts.
Launch Pad: To throw a notebook at a classmate.
Launcher: One who eats a mid-day meal.
Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass.
Laundry: 1. A business with clothes competition; 2. A place where clothes are mangled; 3. A display of lawns; 4. A place where they turn pajamas into negligence.
Lavish: Resembling a lavatory.
Law: 1. The kind of ban than men forget; 2. A sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket; 3. A net to catch the fly and let the hawk go free.
Law: (Southern) Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, “PO-leece”. Usage: “We better get outta here. That bartender’s doen called the law.”
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Health Care: Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills.
Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of Packrattery: All files, papers, memos, etc. that you save will never be needed until such time as they are disposed of when they will become essential and indispensable.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Law of Resistance: When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Lawsuit: 1. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage; 2. Generally a matter of expense and suspense; 3. Something which nobody likes to have and nobody likes to lose; 4. Usually a loss-suit; 5. The attempted conversion of a personal grievance into a personal fortune; 6. A contest generally won by the party that can afford to reimburse the lawyers on both sides of the dispute; 7. A policeman’s uniform.
Lawsuits: Clothes worn by an attorney.
Lawyer: 1. A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he’s right; 2. A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself; 3. A man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes; 4. A person who helps you get what’s coming to him; 5. He who is summoned when a felon needs a friend; 6. One who protects us against robbery by taking away temptation; 7. The only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished; 8. A cat who settles disputes between mice; 9. Men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers; 10. One skilled in circumvention of the law; 11. A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics; 12. A person who goes in after the auditors and strips the bodies; 13. The larval stage of a Politician.
Layaway Plan: A pre-arranged burial plan.
Layman: A citrus fruit.
Laziness: 1. The overwhelming ambition to lead a quiet life; 2. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
Lazy Bones: An idle person’s skelton.
Leadership: 1. Action, not position; 2. The art of getting somebody else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
Lean Years: What all of us hope for.
Leanardo De Cappuccino: Founder, coffee shop chain.
Learned Fool: One who has read everything, and simply remembered it.
Learning: The kinds of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to practice playing dead, digging in the claws, and watching your human get frustrated.
Lecher: A stud with liver spots.
Lecture: 1. An entertainment at which it costs but little to look intelligent; 2. An occasion when you numb one end to benefit the other; 3. A process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the student, without passing through the minds of either.
Lecturer: One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear, and his faith in your patience.
Lecturers: Traveling men who express themselves collect.
Leeks: Vegetables found in boats.
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Leftafters: What’s left after you’ve eaten the leftovers.
Leftovers: 1. Mull-again stew; 2. Repast history.
Leg: An appendage of the body. Most humans have two, which start at the ankles, and go all the way up to make an ass out of themselves.
Legal: Used to mean lawful; now it means some kind of loophole.
Legal Secretary: Any girl over 18.
Legend: 1. A lie that has attained the dignity of age; 2. The edge of a cliff; 3. Gossip down the ages; 4. The foot.
Leisure: 1. The two minutes’ rest a man gets while his wife thinks up something for him to do; 2. The mother of philosophy.
Lemonade: To help out a lemon in trouble.
Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of fifteen cents.
Leopard: A dotted lion.
Letter: A form of composition opening with an excuse for not opening sooner and closing with an excuse for not closing later.
Lettermen: Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.
Level-headed Person: One who doesn’t get dizzy from doing good turns.
Lever: What a runaway husband does.
Leveraged Buyout: The gobbling of a big fish, often by a little fish with borrowed jaws.
Lexdysia: This is “dyslexia” with the first two syllables reversed as a dyslexic person might read the word.
Lexicographer: A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage inthe development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its methods.
Liability: 1. The art of convincing others of your innocence; 2. A talent for telling untruths.
Liaise: To leave a message on the answerphone.
Liar: 1. One who tells an unpleasant truth; 2. One with not partition between his imagination and his information; 3. A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberal: 1. A man who feels it’s his responsibility to spend a Conservative’s money; 2. A man with his mind open at both ends; 3. One who has both feet firmly planted in the air; 4. A Church with four commandments and six suggestions; 5. Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money; 6. One who tolerates all beliefs and opinions except those with which he disagrees; 7. Someone who won’t take his own side in a quarrel; 8. A Conservative who just got arrested.
Liberty: 1. Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s business; 2. Preserved in some countries - canned in others; 3. The privilege of being free from the things we don’t like in order to be slaves of things we do like.
Librarian: 1. A person who likes to shelve an idea; 2. Library employee that assists library patrons with questions. Rumored to be extinct since none can ever be found.
Library: An organized collection of obsolete materials.
Library Director: A bureaucrat with a fancy title, but with little to do. How often do libraries get lost?
License: Permit issued upon payment of a modest fee that allows fishermen to lose lures in a specified area.
Lie: 1. A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered up to date; 2. Ever-present help in time of trouble; 3. Man’s worst liability; 4. Something that fell from the truth in climbing towards it; 5. A place in a stream, river, or lake where fish lurk; 6. Any simple declarative statement made by an angler about the location of such a place... or the number, size, and type of fish observed there... or the circumstances under which one or more of them escaped capture.
Lie (golf): Position of a ball; also proclivity of a golfer.
Lieberman’s Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Lies: The great lubricant of our way of life. They sell products, flatter the powerful, appease the electorate, and save vast sums from the IRS.
Lieutenant: The guy who rents the bathroom.
Lieutenant Commander: The wife of a lieutenant.
Life: 1. A hospital in which every patient is possessed by a desire to change his bed; 2. A predicament which precedes death; 3. A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children; 4. Living expensively to impress people who live expensively to impress us; 5. Made up of trials, appeals, reversals, but few convictions; 6. School tablets; aspirin tablets; stone tablets; 7. Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, giving everything to the IRS; 8. The garment we continually alter but which never seems to fit; 9. A play with a lousy third act; 10: A do-it-yourself project; 11. A chronic terminal disease; 12. A long lesson in humility; 13. A breathing spell; 14. A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death; 15. A long lesson in humility; 16. Life is like a horse - either you ride it or it rides you.
Life Buoys: Children who live in the sea.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.
Life, Real: The alternative to video games.
Life Jacket: A special coat that lasts a lifetime.
Lifecasting: Live broadcasting on the internet on a personal web channel of one’s daily activities videoed on a webcam.
Light: Fills a room but takes up no space.
Light Sleeper: Someone who naps on the chandlier.
Lightening Bolt: A piece of hardware used by Thor to keep things from becoming too heavy handed.
Lighthouse: 1. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician; 2. House that weighs the least.
Likker: (Southern) Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon. Usage: “Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.”
Lilac: “He’s a nice kid but he can lilac anything.”
Limit: Maximum number of a particular fish that an angler can take in a day. This number varies from place to place and species to species, but like the speed of light, it is a largely theoretical restriction with little practical application.
Line: Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lingerie: The only clothing where less costs more.
Linguist: 1. A talented fellow who has mastered the ability to make mistakes in more than one language; 2. A person who can be misunderstood in many languages.
Linoleum Blownapart: Result of a grenade falling onto a kitchen floor in France.
Liposuction: A surgical procedure from which the patient emerges significantly lighter in both pounds and dollars.
Lipstick: 1. A device to make every kiss tell; 2. On your lips, colouring to enhance the beauty of your mouth; On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear.
Liquidate: Assignation with a mermaid.
Liquidated Damages: A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.
Liquor: How a male animal cleans his mate.
Liquor Store: A stupor market.
Lisp: Calling a spade a thpade.
Listening: 1. Silent flattery; 2. A willingness to let the other person change you.
Listless: What men become when their wives don’t give them a list.
Liter: A bunch of young kittens.
Literacy: When your dog has puppies on an ocean voyage.
Literary Tea: A fete worse than death.
Litigant: A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Little Dipper: A small child diving.
Little Leaguer: Peanut batter.
Little Red Riding Hood: A Russian contraceptive.
Livelihood: A crook on Ritalin.
Liver: A person who survives.
Living Bandage: Medicine skin grown from the patient’s own skin cells in a culture and applied as a patch to a burn area, thus triggering new layers of skin growth.
Living Room: Where you stay to keep from dying.
Loafer: 1. A person who tries to make both weekends meet; 2. One who continues to live even though he complains that he can’t exist on the wages he turns down.
Lobotomy: A permanent numbing of the brain, generally accomplished through surgery but also attainable by watching any home shopping channel on a regular basis.
Lobster: A tennis champion.
Lobster-Newburg: A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get beans at home.
Local Bus: A device that makes mountains out of molehills.
Local Rules: A set of regulations that are ignored only by players on one specific course rather than by golfers as a whole.
Locate: 1. Short Catherine’s nickname; 2. Greeting for a short girl named Katherine.
Lock: A thing that’s all keyed up.
Locomotion: A crazy dance.
Locomotive: A crazy reason for doing something.
Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.
Logarithms: Tunes played at a lumberjack’s birthday party.
Logic: 1. An organized procedure for going wrong with confidence and certainty; 2. The system of thinking that tells us that out of snow you can’t make cheesecake; 3. The art of going wrong with confidence.
Logrolling: An aye for an aye.
Loiter: Not now.
Lollypop: Dad’s money.
Long Speech: 1. Thank you very much; 2. A talk that can make you feel dubm on one end, numb on the other. (see also Short Speech)
Longevity: 1. Uncommon extension of the fear of death; 2. The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.
Look Out!: What is too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Loop, Endless: See Endless Loop.
Loquacity: A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
LOS: Level Of Slaughter. A scale measuring the amount of violent pushback you will receive when presenting a paper which disproves current dogma within a given organization.
Los Angeles: 1. Ten suburbs in search of a city; 2. A fine place to live if you’re an orange.
Loser: Anyone too incompetent to master the ways of the world, or too proud.
Loss Law: Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe.
Lot: (Southern) Luminescent. Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”
Lottery: 1. A tax on fools; 2. A tax on people who are bad at math.
Lovable: Affection for a male bovine.
Love: 1. A conflict between reflexes and reflections; 2. A form of insanity which makes a girl marry her boss and work for him for the rest of her life without salary; 3. A form of self-government under a two-party system; 4. A lot of dame foolishness; 5. A man’s insane desire to become a woman’s meal ticket; 6, an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman’s board-bill for life; 7. It may be blind but the neighbours are not; 8. Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses; 9. The delusion that one girl differs from another; 10. The triumph of imagination over intelligence; 11. The feeling that makes a woman make a man make a fool of himself; 12. The only game which two can play and both win; 13. Passing fiance; 14. A word made up of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools; 15. An exploding cigar we willingly smoke; 16. A temporary insanity curable by marriage; 17. An itch around the heart that you can’t scratch; 18. A hot chilli pepper - you know it’s going to make you cry, and still you go right ahead and eat it; 19. Like a radiator - keeps you warm, even when you know it’s only hot air; 20. A power too strong to be overcome by anything but flight; 21. Means never winning at tennis; 22. A heart attack.
Love Letter: A noose paper.
Love Mile: One of a number of miles traveled by air, for the purpose of visiting friends and relatives who live far away.
Love Song: a caress set to music.
Lover’s Leap: The distance between twin beds.
Low Bidder: A manufacturer’s rep, who is wondering what he left out.
Low-Bred: ’Raised’ instead of brought up.
Low Neckline: Something you can approve of and look down on at the same time.
Lowbrow: A person who can’t appreciate something he doesn’t like.
Luck: 1. An explanation for the other fellows’ success; 2. The thing that draws us for jury duty, but never for the lottery; 3. What happens when preparation meets opportunity.
Luggage Maker: A case worker.
LUGE: Newfie for Dubm Olympic sport.
Lullabuoy: An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Lullaby: The spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from a ogre to a saint.
Luminary: One who throws light upon a subject.
Lunarian: An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic (one whom the moon inhabits).
Lure: Anything used to attract fish. There are basically two kinds: those fishermen swear by, and those they swear at.
Luxury: 1. A necessity when it is found that you can make the down payment on it; 2. Any bare necessity - with the taxes added; 3. Anything a husband needs.
Luxury Resort: One where a waiter expects a $2 tip when he presents a $6 bill for serving a $3.50 bottle of beer.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
Lymphocytes: Where people with leg problems can walk.
Lyre: An ancient instrument of torture.
Lysdexia: A peech imspediment we live to learn with.
Macadam: The first man on Earth, according to the Scottish Bible.
Macaroon: A Scottish cookie.
Macaw: What I have trouble starting on cold mornings.
Mace: A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.
Machine-Independent Program: A program that will not run on any machine.
Macho: A guy who jogs home from a vasectomy.
Macro: 1. The last half of the expression “Holy Macro!”; 2. Scottish bird.
Mad TV: A place to channel your rage.
Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil.
Magaseen: The ancient reading material in your Doctor’s office.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Magic: An art of converting superstition into coin.
Magician: 1. A super duper; 2. A guy with an urge to suddenly vanish.
Magnetism: A powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Mahogany Row: A building or suite of offices housing C-level executives. Their desks are made of expensive wood, while the rest of us the worker bees work in gray cubicles with Formica-topped desks.
Maid Of Honour: Bride’s closest friend, whom the groom will meet for the first time at the rehearsal dinner, and either fall madly in love with (thereby delaying the wedding plans), or hate intensely (thereby delaying the wedding plans).
Maiden Aunt: A girl who never had sense enough to say Uncle.
Mailman: The contact man with your installment creditor.
Maintenance: A man’s cash surrender value.
Major: Area of study that no longer interests you.
Major Business Venture: One that can’t be completed by dictating one letter.
Major Scale: (Southern) What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Damn! That was a major scale!”
Majority: 1. A large number of people who have gotten tired thinking for themselves and have decided to accept somebody else’s opinion; 2. The quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
Making A Torte is a piece of cake.
Mal de Mer: French for “You can’t take it with you.”
Malady: The correct way to address a female aristocrat.
Malaria: Several shopping centers close to each other.
Male: A domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Male Bonding Ritual: Handy excuse for your husband to engage in infantile behavior with his buddies. Including, but not limited to: bowling, softball, poker, and spectator sport where there is a chance of sever injury to the participants, and any activity that includes beer drinking.
Malediction: The way men talk.
Malefactor: The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
Malenutrition: The practice of depriving a man from food for more than a couple of hours - or during a football game.
Mammalia: A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
Mammoth: Giant flying bug thing.
Mamogram: A telegram to Mom.
Man: 1. A creature of superior intelligence who elects creatures of inferior intelligence to govern him; 2. A creature who is trying to make something for himself rather than something of himself; 3. A creature whom God made little lower than angels, and who has been getting lower ever since; 4. A large irrational creature who is always looking for home atmosphere in a hotel and hotel service around a home; 5. One who wishes he were as wise as he thinks his wife thinks he is; 6. The only animal that cooks; 7. The only animal with brains enough to find a cure for the diseases caused by his own folly; 8. A being in search of meaning; 9. The second strongest sex in the world.
Man Flu: A minor cold contracted by a man who proceeds to exaggerate the symptoms enormously.
Man Hater: A girl who makes love with her eyes closed because she can’t stand to see a guy having a good time.
Man Of The Hour: The fellow whose wife told him to wait a minute.
Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the organization correlates directly with the amount of work they delegate to their more-talented underlings.
Manager: Someone who doesn’t know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job.
Mancation: A man’s vacation. Generally includes lots of beer, a Redneck grill, slabs of meat for cooking and a sack of fireworks.
Mandals: Sandals for men.
Mandate: 1. An appointment with the boyfriend; 2. What every male homosexual politician wants.
Mandraulic: Labour intensive. Anything that requires a lot of people instead of machines to get the job done.
Manger: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO; 2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist.
Manners: Noises you don’t make when eating soup.
Manscaping: A grooming procedure in which hair is shaved or trimmed from a man’s body (as from the back, legs, chest, genitals).
Manufracture: To produce items which break after little use.
Manure: How you say mother was acquainted with the girl.
Manuscript: Something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Maps: The shorthand of geography.
Marathon Runner: A person who is happy to be over the hill.
Margin: Mother’s ruin.
Marigold: Wed for money.
Marilyn Merlot: Dry Napa Valley wine.
Marinater: A herring aide.
Marines: A small, fouled-up Army talking Navy lingo.
Marionettes: Residents of Washington, D.C.
Maritime: 1. Wedding day at the seaside; 2. The hour of a wedding.
Market: 1. Three women and a goose; 2. What teachers do to homework.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Marketing: Lying in loafers.
Marketing Executive: A drooler in loafers.
Marriage: 1. A book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose; 2. A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman; 3. A feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner; 4. A hit-or-miss proposition - if you don’t make a hit you remain a miss; 5. A mutual partnership with the husband as the mute; 6. An arrangement like the block-booking of motion pictures, in which a number of less desirable features muse be accepted in order to obtain one or two of major attraction; 7. An institution that changes a woman from an attraction to a distraction; 8. A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred; 9. A souvenir of love; 10. A state where a woman is no longer hoping - just expecting; 11. A woman’s hair net tangled in a man’s spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser; 12. Before it, he talks and she listens; during the honeymoon, she talks and he listens; later, they both talk and the neighbours listen; 13. One long conversation, checkered by disputes; 14. The alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them; 15. The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch; 16. The first union to defy management; 17. The miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty and a life from a luxury into a necessity; 18. The only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force; 19. The only life sentence that is suspended by bad behaviour; 20. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.; 21. When a woman turns an old rake into a lawn mower; 22. A mutual partnership, if one remains mute; 23. Love parsonified; 24. Marriage makes two one; but you never can tell which one is the one; 25. The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer; 26. A ceremony where the grocer acquires an account the florist once had; 27. A ceremony in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man who made them; 28. A process whereby love ripens into vengeance; 29. An investment that pays you dividends if you pay interest; 30. Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses; 31. An expensive way to get your laundry done free; 32. The only war where you sleep with the enemy; 33. Our last, best chance to grow up; 34. An agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master; 35. The only business that pays money to one of its partners after it fails; 36. The process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred; 37. A perfect moment frozen for a dull eternity; 37. The evil aye; 38. A deal in which a man gives away half his groceries in order to get the other half cooked; 39. A quiz show where you lose if you give the right answer; 40. A relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband; 41. The mourning after the knot before; 42. The triumph of imagination over intelligence; 43. A word which should be pronounced “mirage.”.
Marriage License: A noose paper.
Marriage Proposal: A speech often made on the purr of the moment.
Married Man: A fellow who used to think that being lonesome was man’s worst fate.
Married Woman: One who gives up the romantic attention of several men for the phlegmatic attention of just one.
Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs - amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one’s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.
Martini: An olive with an alcohol rub.
Martyr: 1. A self-made hero; 2. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.
Martyrdom: 1. Telling your wife the exact truth and then having her refuse to believe a word of it; 2. The only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
Mash: (Southern) To press, as in the case of an elevator button. Usage: “Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma’am?”
Masochist: 1. Someone who is only happy when miserable; 2. Someone who builds dungeons in the air.
Mason-Dixon Line: A geographical division between “you all” and “youse guys.”
Masquerade Party: Telling the good guise from the bad.
Mass Psychology: Doing it the herd way.
Masseur: A limberjack.
Masseuse: A woman who doesn’t keep her hands to herself.
Masturbation: The sin of emission.
Matchbook: A novel about matches.
Maternity Dress: A kind of magic garment that makes the heir unapparent.
Maternity Dressmaker: A mother frocker.
Maternity Hospital: An heirport.
Maternity Ward: The only place in the world where there isn’t a chance of dodging the issue.
Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
Math Class: A fraction of the day.
Mathemagician: A teacher who makes numbers disappear.
Mathematics: 1. Proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way; 2. The science which uses easy words for hard ideas.
Matricide: Committing suicide on a rug.
Matrimony: 1. A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer; 2. An institution of learning in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree without acquiring a master’s; 3. It isn’t a word, it’s a sentence; 4. Like making a house call: you go to adore, you ring a belle, you give your name to a maid… and then you are taken in; 5. Something that the bachelor misses and the widower escapes; 6. The splice of life.
Mature Student: Annoying, 30+ class member, who takes up the professor’s time with their inane anecdotes, and irrelevant questions and comments.
Maturity: 1. Accepting the consequences of your actions; 2. The time of life when, if you had the time, you’d have the time of your life.
Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich.
Mauve: Pink trying to be purple.
Maybe: 1. No; 2. The preamble to hope.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Mayor: A he-horse.
MC: A man who introduces people who need no introduction.
M.D.: Mentally deficient.
Me: The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.
Mealtime: When youngsters sit down to continue eating.
Meander: To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.
Meanderthal: Someone who tries to drive or walk while using a mobile phone.
Meantime: Hate O’clock.
Meat: Grass once removed.
Meatspace: The physical world (as opposed to the virtual).
Medal: A pat on the chest.
Medical Insurance: What allows people to be ill at ease.
Medical Staff: A Doctor’s cane.
Medicine: 1. A drug on the market; 2. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.
Medicine Cabinet: A thing which looks like a drugstore, only there are no sandwiches.
Medicine Dropper: A Doctor with greasy fingers.
Medieval: 1. Only half bad; 2. Not completely wicked.
Meditation: Inner calm system.
Meek: They inherit the earth and it’s just as well - no one else would pay the inheritance taxes.
Meerkat: A cat with a reflective personality.
Meeting: 1. A mass mulling by master-minds where minutes are kept and hours are lost; 3. An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.
Megaflop: The worst movie you ever saw.
Megahertz: How your head feels after 3 six-packs.
Megaphone: A very large telephone.
Melancholy: 1. The pleasure of being sad; 2. Dog that likes watery fruit.
Memail: E-mail sent to yourself to remind you to do things. Everyone else spends all day reading and sending e-mail to each other, but you prefer yours to be private.
Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.
Memory: The feeling that steals over one as he listens to a friend’s original stories.
Memory Dump: Amnesia.
Men: 1. Often in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers when opportunity knocks at the front door; 2. Some dislike women without any reason while others like them that way.
Menace: A fellow on the dance floor with a rhumba mind and a waltz technique.
Mendacity: Official explanation for slow disaster relief to large urban areas.
Menicillin: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”
Menoporsche: Male menopause. Symptoms include a sudden lack of energy, crankiness and the overpowering urge to buy a Porsche.
Mensa: One of two choices at the back of an Italian restaurant.
Mental Block: A street on which several psychiatrists live.
Mentally: Counting male patients at the asylum.
Menu: A list of dishes a restaurant has run out of.
Merger: When 1+1=1, with the remainder going on unemployment.
Mermaid: 1. A deep she fish; 2. A bottomless girl in a topless suit.
Merry-go-round: A vehicle for getting nowhere quickly.
Metallic Age: The age at which one finds Gold in one’s teeth, silver in one’s hair, and lead in one’s pants.
Metallurgist: 1. Someone who is allergic to iron; 2. A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore.
Metaphysics: 1. A debate on whether the debaters exist and, if so, why; 2. An attempt to establish an alibi for the universe.
Meteorologist: 1. A man who can look into a girl’s eyes and predict whether; 2. A wetter reporter.
Meteorology: The science of being up in the air and all at sea.
Meter Maid: A person who always does a fine day’s work.
Metronome: A midget who works for MGM.
Microbe: A robe that the mics wear.
Microbiologist: An expert in short life histories.
Microblog: 1. An internet posting which is extremely short, designed to give a brief but immediate text update; 2. To issue such an internet posting.
Microbrew: The shortest distance between two pints.
Microgrom: A young surfer, especially one under the age of ten.
Microphone: Some are metal discs and broadcast exactly what you say; others are rouge and lipstick and don’t.
Microsecond: 1. The amount of time it takes for a program to crash; 2. The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Microwave: An extra small wave.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Middle Age: 1. A man who remembers when corn-cure ads showed only the toes; 2 a time of life when our tripping becomes less light and more fantastic; 3. A time of life when winking at a girl is closing one eye to reality; 4. A time when you want to look fit as a fiddle, but bulge like a bass; 5. That period in a man’s life when he’d rather not have a good time than have to get over it; 6. That period in life when you can’t decide which there is more of - age or middle; 7. That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his illusions; 8. That period when a woman’s life appears to be all bleaches and cream; 9. That time in a man’s life when the elasticity lost from his sinews seems to settle in his conscience; 10. That time in life when we being to develop scales resistance; 11. That time of life when you’re reduced to reducing; 12. The time of life that affects us in the middle; 13. The time of life when a man can get exhausted simply by wrestling with his conscience; 14. The time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever; 15. The time when you’ll do anything to feel better, except give up what’s hurting you; 16. When the average person is going to begin saving next month; 17. When a man starts complaining that the cleaners are shrinking his suits; 18. When a man stops wondering if he can escape temptations and begins to wonder if he’s missing any; 19. When a woman takes her high school annual out of the bookcase and hides it where the children can’t find it; 20. When greener grass is something that just has to be mowed more often; 21. When many women consider mending their weighs; 22. When the girl you smile at thinks you are one of her father’’ friends; 23. When the girl you whistle at thinks you must be calling a dog; 24. When you are sitting at home on Saturday night and the phone rings and you hope it isn’t for you; 25. When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms; 26. When you can do as much as before, but don’t; 27. When you don’t care how long you stay out if you’re home by 9:00 P.M.; 28. When you go all-out and end up all-in; 29. When you laugh at pictures that you once prized; 30. When you look forward to a dull evening; 31. When you no longer care where your wife wants to go - so long as you don’t have to go with her; 32. When you’re as young as ever, but it takes a lot more effort; 33. When you’re grounded for several days after flying high for one night; 34. When you start eating what is good for your instead of what you like; 35. When you step on a scale and the balance is no longer in your favour; 36. When you still have the old spark, but it takes more puffing; 37. When you stop setting-up exercises and start setting over buttons; 38. When you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else; 39. When your past is present; 40. The time a man starts turning out the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons; 41. When you start thinking about your fiscal condition; 42. That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even; 43. When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go; 44. When you’re not inclined to exercise anything but caution; 45. When work is no longer play and play is getting to be work; 46. When a woman’s hair starts turning from gray to black; 47. When you’re willing to get up and give your seat to a lady - and can’t; 48. Having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier; 49. When you can’t turn your television off or your wife on.
Middle-Aged: Someone twelve years older than you are.
Middle Ages: Knight time.
Middle Class: 1. The people who live in public like the rich do, and in private like the poor do; 2. The wimpiest term in the lexicon of social taxonomy, meaning little more than not rich, not poor.
Middleman: One who works both ends against the middle.
Midget: Center engine of a fast 3-engine plane.
Midnight Oil: What you make popcorn in.
Midwife: Second wife in three marriages.
Migration: A headache birds get when they fly down for the winter.
Military: That which is not civil.
Military Expert: One who tells you what’s going to happen tomorrow - then tells you why it didn’t.
Military Science: That remarkable art in which the lessons learned in winning one war, if strictly followed, lose the next.
Milk: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
Milk Dud: A cow that won’t give milk.
Milk Shake: Drink given by nervous cows.
Millennium: Something like a centennial, only it has more legs.
Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra (i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing).
Millinery Secret: One that should be kept under your hat.
Millionaire: 1. A billionaire after he pays his taxes; 2. A man who travels between his air-conditioned home and air-conditioned office in an air-conditioned car, then pays $50 to go over to the steam room at the club and sweat.
Millipede: Mildred used the little girl’s room.
Mind: The most capricious of insects, flitting, fluttering.
Mine Owners: Coal-hearted people.
Mini Skirt: Temp-dress.
Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.
Minimum: A small mother.
Miniscule: A very small place used for educational purposes.
Minister: 1. A travel agent for the straight and narrow; 2. A man who collects the “I do’s” for the union; 3. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility; 4. An officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign’s hostility.
Minnesinger: Harmonic minor.
Minnesota: A state that has 10,000 lakes and 1,000 fish.
Minor: Less objectionable.
Minor Operation: One performed on someone else.
Minority Rule: A baby in the house.
Minute: That period of time in which, after keeping her husband waiting for an hour, a woman still promises to be ready.
Minute Man: 1. A guy who can make it to the refrigerator, fix a sandwich and a beer, and be back before the commercial is over; 2. A fellow who double parks in front of a house of ill-repute.
Miracle: 1. An event described by those to whom it was told by men who did not see it; 2. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.
Miracle Drug: 1. Any medicine you can get the kids to take without screaming; 2. One that costs less than 3 figures.
Mirage: Where a ghost keeps his car.
Mirage A Trois: Act of having sex with two imaginary people.
Mirror: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models.
Mischief: The chief’s daughter.
Misconception: A pregnancy occurring while taking birth control pills.
Misdemeanor: An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.
Miser: One who’s perfectly content to let the rest of the world go buy.
Misery: 1. A collection of misers; 2. The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your roomie fixed you up with because “the two of you are so much alike.”
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Misfortuneteller: Someone who always tells you about the problems you are going to have in the future.
Misnomer: The right name for the wrong word.
Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.
Miss America Contest: The lass roundup.
Missile: As good as a mile.
Mission Satement: A long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s inability to think clearly. All good companies have one.
Mistake: Proof that somebody tried anyhow.
Mistakes: 1. The clues one pays for a full life; 2. The world’s principal product.
Mistletoe: A kiss miss plant.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Mitosis: Fear of someone stealing your toast.
Mixed Company: What you are in when you think of a story you can’t tell there.
Mixed Emotions: To see your mother-in-law go over the cliff in your brand new Cadillac.
Mixed Foursome: A quartet of golfers composed of two separate grounds for divorce.
Mobile Phone: An electronic Swiss Army Knife - it can play music, take pictures, store data, and calculate your mobile phone bill. The one thing it doesn’t do very well is send and receive voice communications.
Model Husband: One who thinks his wife’s headache is as important as his own rheumatism.
Model Wife: One who, when she spades the garden, picks up the fish worms and saves them for her husband.
Modem: 1. What landscapers did to dem lawns; 2. How you got rid of your dandelions; 3. What you did to the hay fields.
Modern Age: When girls wear less on the street than their grandmothers did in bed.
Modern Art: Oodles of Doodles.
Modern Country: One which can ban fireworks and produce atomic bombs.
Modern Employer: One who is looking for men between the ages of 25 and 30 with 40 years’ experience.
Modern Girl: 1. One who believes in marrying a man to find out if she can live without him; 2. One who’d rather be well formed than well informed; 3. One who sticks to the spinning wheel - until her chips give out.
Modern Home: 1. One in which a switch regulates everything but the children; 2. Where the dwellers would speedily become bored, idle, cold, hungry, dirty, and unkempt if the electricity was cut off.
Modern Housewife: One who dresses fit to kill and cooks the same way.
Modern Mother: One who worries if her daughter gets in too early.
Moderns: People who meet a crisis face to face after taking a pill.
Modern Party: One where there’s always rum for one more.
Modern Pioneer: The mother who manages to get through a rainy Saturday with the T.V. not working.
Modern Plays: Most of them have to be sin to be appreciated.
Modern Thrift: When we take care of the down payments and let the instalments take care of themselves.
Modern Wisdom: An open mind and a closed mouth.
Modesty: 1. The art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how important you are; 2. Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.; 3. The art of imperfectly concealing your talents; 4. The feeling that others will surely discover in a little while just how wonderful you are; 5. The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it; 6. That self-confident feeling that the world already knows or will soon find out.
Mohair: What bald men need.
Momentum: What you give a body when they are going away.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Monage A Trois: I am three years old.
Monarch: A king with a good publicity man.
Monarchy: Used to open doors in a Royal Palace.
Monastery: 1. Consecration camp; 2. A multitude of monsters.
Money: 1. The mint makes it first and it’s up to us to make it last; 2. What we spend for luxuries and owe for necessities; 3. The best substitute for credit; 4. A blessing that’s of no advantage to us except when we part with it; 5. Something that married couples rarely have, but seem to be able to argue about anyway; 6. An excellent servant, but a horrible master; 7. Something that doesn’t grow on trees - you’ve got to beat the bushes for it.
Money Grabber: Anybody who grabs more money than you can grab.
Monitor: The thing you’re looking at.
Monkey: 1. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees; 2. A key that won’t open a door.
Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ’Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.
Monkey Business: 1. A swinging corporation; 2. A store run by monkeys.
Monkey Time: Any duration when your lover picks pimples, blackheads and fleas off of you.
Monogamy: 1. Leaves a lot to be desired; 2. A marriage system in which subscribers are requested to return one wife before taking another.
Monologue: 1. A conversation between a husband and his wife; 2. A conversation between several hundred students and a professor.
Monophobia: The fear of not being able to listen to the radio in stereo.
Monotony: A system that allows a man only one wife.
Monsoon: 1. A typhoon that’s going steady with a tornado; 2. A French gentleman.
Monumental Liar: A man who writes epitaphs.
Moon: 1. A heavenly body which sways the tide, and the untied, too; 2. A sky light.
Mooning: An ass in the pane.
Moose: An animal that has a head and horns on one end and a living room wall on the other.
Moraine: A storm predicted by the weatherman.
Moral: When Al visits for the second time.
Moral Indignation: Jealousy with a halo.
Morality: 1. The attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike; 2. A traditional code of decency that went out the window about the same time as belief in eternal damnation; 3. An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave.
Moratorium: That which results when an implacable creditor meets an unpayable debt.
Morbid: Higher offer.
More: The comparative degree of too much.
Morning: The time of day when the rising generation retires and the retiring generation rises.
Morning After: When getting up gets you down.
Morning Glory: Comes up when you plant the setting sun.
Morning Sickness: An opportunity to see if the inside of your toilet bowl is really clean.
Morology: The study of stupidity.
Moron: 1. Something which in the wintertime girls wouldn’t have so many colds if they put; 2. A person who is more off than on (refer to Moroff).
Mortgage: 1. A house with a guilty conscience; 2. A device used to measure one’s tolerance for people named Mort.
Mortician: A guy in a grave situation.
Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering: Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.
Mosquito: 1. A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies; 2. The state bird of New Jersey.
Motel: 1. A love-inn; 2. The place where we exchange good dollars for bad quarters.
Moth: 1. A perverse creature that spends the summer in a fur coat and the winter in a bathing suit; 2. Green thtuff found on the north thide of treeth.
Mothball: 1: What moths play football with; 2. A special event for moths.
Mother: 1. Mom’s the word; 2. The person who feeds the mouth that bites her; 3. A person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
Motherhood: 1. The longest guilt trip you’ll ever take; 2. If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
Mother-In-Law: 1. A referee with an interest in one of the fighters; 2. A talkie that has come to stay; 3. A woman who is never outspoken; 4. A mother in-awe; 5. A ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgements.
Mother-In-Law Sandwich: Cold shoulder and tongue.
Mother’s Life: One darned stocking after the other.
Motion Sickness: When you are sick and tired of Parliamentary Procedure.
Motivation: 1. Developing a healthier defeatist attitude than your co-workers; 2. When dreams put on work clothes.
Motivational Speakers: The professional wrestlers of the corporate world.
Motorcycle: A system of concepts worked out in steel.
Motocross: The wheel world.
Motorist: 1. A person who, after seeing a wreck, drives carefully for several blocks; 2. A person who forgets that he used to be a pedestrian.
Motorists: People in such a hurry to get into the next country that they often get into the next world.
Mountain Climber: An athlete who will climb to any heights to get a nosebleed.
Mountain Gloat: An animal which brags to other animals about its superior rock climbing skills.
Mourner: Same as a “nooner”, only sooner.
Mouse: 1. An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate; 2. An animal which strews its path with fainting women; 3. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”
Mouse Pad: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Mouse Potato: The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.
Mouth: 1. The grocer’s friend, the orator’s pride, the fool’s trap, the dentist’s salvation; 2. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart; 3. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Movie Actor’s Salary: The haul of fame.
Movie Trailer: A warning to next week’s patrons.
Movies: The repository of myth.
M T: Letters that contain nothing.
Muchablige: (Southern) Thank you. Usage: “Muchablige for the lift, mister.”
Mucus: A cat swear word.
Mud Pack: Self-putty.
Mudpies: Organized grime.
Muffin Top: The unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight pants.
Mug: Gullible drinks receptacle.
Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
Mugging: Stealing someone’s coffee.
Mugwump: 1. An animal that sits on a fence with its mug on one side and its wump on the other; 2. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.
Mulatto: A child of two races, ashamed of both.
Mule: 1. An animal that is stubbornly backward about going forward; 2. An animal who boasts that his ancestors were horses.
Multiplication Table: Longest table in the world.
Multipliers: Pliers used in arithmetic.
Multitasking: Messing up several chores at the same time.
Mumbo-jumbo: Large mumbos (i.e. mumbling elephant)
Mummery: A bouquet of chrysanthemums.
Mummies: Egyptians who were pressed for time.
Munchkin: What cannibals do to relatives.
Mundane: The day following a heavenly weekend.
Munitions Manufacturers: Patriots who want to sell us rifles for protection against foreign powers to whom they have already sold cannons.
Munts: (Southern) A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”
Murderer: Someone presumed to be innocent until he is proved insane.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Museum: A dead circus.
Mushroom: 1. A motel for quickies; 2. The place where they store the school food; 3. A room that has no sides, no walls, no doors and no ceilings.
Mushrooms: Because they grow in damp places, they resemble patio umbrellas.
Music: 1. The only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing; 2. Moonlight in the gloomy night of life; 3. When one of the nine muses is not feeling well.
Music Lover: A man, who upon hearing a soprano in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole.
Music Video: How film school cinematographers and posturing post-pubescent stars collaborated to keep rock music on artificial life support long after it should have died naturally.
Musical Comedy: Where all good joe-ks go just before they die.
Musician: Someone who makes a living by playing around.
Musing: The result of a cat attempting the scales.
Mustang: An uncontrollable desire to drink synthetic orange juice.
Mustard Plaster: A bosom friend.
Mutant: 1. An ant that does mime; 2. Mother’s sister after her stroke; 3. Genetically altered ant.
Mystery: How the Joneses do it on that salary.
Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.
Myth: 1. A female moth; 2. An effeminate moth; 3. A story that everyone accepts but no one believes; 4. A long-term fib.
Nacho Cheese: It belongs to someone else.
Nag: A woman with no horse sense.
Nagament: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Nagging Woman: One who keeps a swivel tongue in her head.
Nagivator: Someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Nail: A slender round object with a flat head at which you aim at while you hit your thumb.
Nails: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
Naive Person: Anyone who thinks you are interested when you ask how he is.
Naked: How you should show up for work in order to divert attention from the fact that you’re drunk.
NAND: The Boolean operator meaning “not and” for use in database searches. The ’N’ prefix can be used with other words. NBUTTER means Margarine; NTRUTH means Politician; and NHILLARY means modest.
Nanosecond: Mork’s stunt man.
Nap: 1. A brief period of sleep which overtakes superannuated persons when they endeavor to entertain unwelcome visitors or to listen to scientific lectures; 2. What your grandfather, who has a deviated septum and consequently snores like a freight train, will take in the front pew, during your wedding ceremony.
Napkin: 1. A lapkerchief; 2. A cloth laptop.
Narcissist: 1. Psychoanalytic term for the person who loves himself more than his analyst; 2. Someone better looking than you are.
Narcotic: Anything habit-forming that dulls the sense and induces sleep, like an all-night cable news program or a diabolical sudoku book.
Nasal Spray Salesman: A guy who goes around sticking his business up other people’s noses.
Nasolactaspew: The result of laughing while drinking milk.
Nasty Habit: What you get when you cross a vampire with a nun.
National Debt: America’s most outstanding public figure.
Nationality: A state of being a state.
Natural: A very difficult pose to keep up.
Naturalist: Carefully compiled information about plants and animals.
Nature: A mutable cloud which is always and never the same.
Nature Lover: A person who, when treed by a bear, enjoys the view.
Naught: Something that is nothing.
Naval: A useful place for holding salt while one eats celery in bed.
Naval Destroyer: A hula hoop with a nail in it.
Navvy: Misspelling of a bunch of people going around in boats.
Nawthun: (Southern) Anything that is not Southern. Usage: “He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system.”
Nazigator: An overbearing member of your carpool.
Necessity: 1. Almost any luxury you see in the home of a neighbour; 2. The mother of taking chances.
Neck: 1. Something which, if you don’t stick out, you won’t get into trouble up to; 2. To conduct an experiment in comparative physiology.
Necking: A passion fancy.
Necrophilia: The uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Needle: Formerly hard to find in a haystack; now hard to find in a woman’s hand.
Negligent: 1. When you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown; 2. Lingerie salesperson.
Negotiate: To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads.
Negotiating: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
Neighbour: 1. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he can to make us disobedient; 2. A person who is out of something.
Neighbours: 1. The strangers who live next door; 2. People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borrow power tools or jumper cables, but who are everywhere when you are having a heated argument with your spouse; 3. The only people who listen to both sides of an argument.
Neonphancy: A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
Nepotism: 1. A form of favouritism - relatively speaking; 2. Putting on heirs.
Nep-tune: Music heard in space.
Nerd: A person whose life is completely enveloped by technology.
Nerdcore: A subgenre of hip-hop music characterized by subject matter considered of interest to nerds (i.e. technology, politics and science fiction; geeksta rap).
Nerds-Nest: The tangle of cables behind your TV or desk.
Nero: A Roman who was careless with candles.
Nervous Wreck: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches.
Net: A lot of little holes tied together with string.
Neurosis: A substitute for legitimate suffering.
Net Income: The money a fisherman earns.
Net Profit: What a fisherman earns.
Net Worth: Measurement of a fisherman’s wealth.
Network: 1. Successful fishing; 2. A pattern, reticulated and decussated at equal intervals with interstices between the intersections; 3. Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line; 4. To spread misinformation; 5. The process of making nets.
Networks: What a successful shrimper says.
Neurasthenic: A person who is always on pills and needles.
Neurosis: Fresh flowers.
Neurotic: 1. A person who has discovered the secret of perpetual emotion; 2. A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you; 3. A woman who calls a Doctor when all she wants in an audience; 4. One who believes the world owes him a loving; 5. Someone who worries about things that didn’t happen in the past instead of worrying about things that won’t happen in the future; 6. A self-taut person; 7. Sane but unhappy about it.
Neurotic-Psychotic: Neurotic: A person who builds castles in the air; Psychotic: Someone who moves into them.
Neutrino: A neutered Italian.
New Baby: An event similar to an opera - full of grand marches and loud cries for the author every night.
New Hairdo: A way to get your husband to appreciate the old one.
New Journalism: Print the truth - don’t offend anyone.
New Pasta Diet: Just walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta candy store without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop without stopping.
New Year’s Eve: The Special Olympics of inebriation.
New York City: 1. Where everyone mutinies but no one deserts; 2. The City of Brotherly Shove.
New Yorkers: People who get acquainted with their neighbors by meeting them in Miami.
Newborn Baby: Fresh heir.
Newfangled: Grandpa shows off his latest set of dentures.
Newly Hatched Termites: Babes in the wood.
Newlywed: 1. What you and your spouse will officially be considered until your first anniversary, or until you go an entire week without sex (whichever comes first); 2. A man who puts up the storm windows the first time his wife suggests it.
News: 1. Anything that makes a man say, “For heaven’s sake!”; 2. The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different people; 3. The disasters of the day; 4. An illusion created by two people talking fast for 45 seconds.
News Broadcast: 1. Airing the world’s linen; 2. A device for amusing one half of the world with the other half’s troubles.
Newspaper: 1. A circulating library with high blood pressure; 2. A portable screen behind which man hides from the woman who is standing up in a bus; 3. A publication that condemns gambling on the editorial page and prints racing tips on the sports page; 4. A signal from the human that you are to jump onto their lap and practice paper shredding.
Newspapers: Dead trees with information smeared on them.
Next Week: The time when a good picture is coming to the movie theater.
Niagara Falls: 1. Water on the rocks; 2. The bride’s second great disappointment.
Nice Girl: One who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear.
Nickname: Your own name with the suffix “ster” attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity... the Joe-kster
Night: 1. When words fade and things come alive; 2. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole again; 3. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.
Night Club: 1. A place where the tables are reserved and the guests are not; 2. A place where they get away with murder and you face the charges; 3. A place where they take the rest out of restaurant and put the din in dinner; 4. A place where people with nothing to remember go to forget; 5. The only place in the world where you pay $15 for a ringside seat and do all the fighting yourself.
Night Clubs: Where people with nothing to remember go to forget.
Night Gown: A nap sack.
Night School: Academy where Dracula and the wolfman went to study.
Night Watchman: One of those people who can manage to make a living without a single day’s work.
Nightingale: To spend a night outside in the wind.
Nihilist: A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
Nincomputer: A Newfie dropout from a data processing school.
Ninety-Ninety Rule: The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.
Nipper: Baby crab.
Nipples: Something without which breasts would be pointless.
NIRVANA: In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it.
Nitrate: 1. Cheapest price for calling long distance; 2. Cheaper than day rate.
Nitty Gritty: How a dirty scalp looks, up close.
No: The feminine of yes.
No-Account: The man without a bank account.
Noah Rule: Predicting rain doesn’t count; building arks does.
Nobility: One who has no ability.
Noble: “Is that a fact?”
Nobleman: Nature’s provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life.
Node: 1. Was aware of; 2. Past tense of know.
Noggin: A half a cupful of whatever.
Noise: 1. Earitation; 2. An imposition on sanity, and we live in very noisy times.
Noisette: Small, crunching sound a nut makes when it is cracked.
Noli illegitimi carborundum: Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
Non Mi Recordo: My VCR has screwed up.
Nonchalance: The ability to look like an owl when you have behaved like an ass.
Nonsense: The objections that are urged against this excellent Wacky Dictionary.
Noose: The tie that binds.
Nophyllactic: A seldom-used, super-powerful form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic’s barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word “no” to avoid conception.
Norm: Just a regular kinda guy.
Normal: 1. Getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need t pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it; 2. Having the usual eccentricities.
Normalize: 1. 20/20 vision; 2. Doesn’t need glasses.
No-Sell Phones: Phones that automatically disconnect sales calls.
Nose: The scenter of your face.
Nostalgia: 1. Looking for the place you wouldn’t move back to; 2. A file that removes the rough edges from the good old days; 3. Trimming the Christmas tree with popcorn made in the microwave oven.
Nostalgia Buff: One who finds the past perfect and present tense.
Notator: No gravy, either…
Note and Initial: To spread the responsibility.
Notwithstanding: How to win a sitting contest.
Novel: A short story padded.
Novelty: 1. A library of novels; 2. Unusual-tasting herbal beverage.
NTSC: Never Twice the Same Colour.
Nuclear Physicist: One who has many ions in the fire.
Nucleus: A group of physicists.
Nude Models: The reason for your sudden interest in art.
Nudism: 1. Exposure with composure; 2. A back to the form movement; 3. A person who goes coatless and vestless, and wears pants to match; 4. One suffering from clothestrophobia; 5. The only person with less pocket space than a sailor; 6. A person who grins and bares it; 7. One who has acquired nothing since birth except nerve.
Nudist Camp: 1. A place where men and women air their differences, bare with each other, live life in the raw, greet each dawn as a nude day, and are all together in the altogether. To join, just leave your name and dress; 2. A place where the peeling is mutual; 3. A place where nothing goes on.
Nudnik: A naked Santa Claus.
Numb: 1. A sensation you feel when you don’t; 2. What your face will be after six straight hours of smiling for wedding pictures.
Number: Make her less sensitive.
Numbered: A calendar’s days.
Numerals: Symbols used in a form of lying called statistics.
Numerology: The numbers racket.
Numismatics: Collecting money for fun.
Nun: 1. A creature of habit; 2. The tallest of the Penguin species.
Nurse: 1. A woman whose business is to make sickness a pleasure; 2. A young women who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal.
Nursery: 1. Bawl room; 2. A school for nurses.
Nurses: Patient people.
Nutritionist: Someone who knows what’s good for you.
Nutritionize, nutritionalize: To turn something generally considered bad for you into something healthy to eat. Seen on the side of a catering truck: “Nutritionized for kids.
Nymphomania: A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.
Nymphomaniac: A woman as obsessed with sex as the average man.
Oaf: An old fashioned jerk.
Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.
Oats: A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.
Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.
Obfuscate: To understand computer programs from an “Obfuscated C Code Contest”
Obliment: An obligatory compliment.
Oboe: An ill woodwind that nobody blows good.
Observant: What a biology teacher tells you to do when out looking for bugs.
Observatory: What the Liberal politician told his spy to do.
Obsessionerds: Joe-ksters who just cannot keep themselves from submitting stupid words that might be funny if people knew just what the heck they were talking about.
Obsolescence: 1. What happens to your car once it’s paid for; 2. What happens to your computer and software after you get it setup and working the way you want.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Obstacles: Those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Obstinate Person: One who doesn’t hold opinions; they hold him
Obviosity: Something that is clearly obvious.
Obvious: The most dangerous word in mathematics.
Occidental: Something unplanned that happened in the Far East.
Occupation: The principal thing one engages in to avoid thinking.
Ocean: 1. Huge body of water surrounded entirely by rumours of everlasting peace; 2. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man... who has no gills; 3. A large body of water entirely surrounded by trouble; 4. What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
Ocelot: A person who is heavily indebted.
Octagon: A triangle with five sides.
Octogenarian: A man who makes the same mistake he did at seventy.
Octopus: 1. An eight-sided cat; 2. An eight-legged cat; 3. A fish built like a corporation.
Odious: Bad poetry.
Offal: Something dreadful.
Off-Campus Parking: Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining state.
Offence: Aggressive-looking boundary around your house.
Office : 1. A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life; 2. A clean, functional, brightly lit cell inhabited five days a week by diligent souls who forfeit their lives to make a living.
Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
Office Party: Source of blackmail for the oncoming year.
Office Picnic: When the boss goes on his vacation.
Office-seeker: A person who is either appointed or disappointed.
Officialese: A government language where you can understand the words, but not the sentences.
Oh No Second: 1: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ’reply all’); 2. 1 nanosecond after you’ve sent your “Take your job & stuff it” email to your boss.
Oil: The flammable liquid residue of fossilized prehistoric plants and beasts, found to be suitable for fueling engines and Middle East conflicts.
Oily: The opposite of late.
OK: “Yes” in two words.
Old: One who can remember when a juvenile delinquent was a kid who owed eight cents on an overdue library book.
Old Age: 1. When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things; 2. A time when a man sees a pretty girl and it arouses his memory instead of his hopes; 3. When all girls look good to you; 4. When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live; 5. That time of life when you don’t care where your wife goes, just as long as you don’t have to go with her.
Old-Fashioned Girl: 1. One who has never been kissed - and admits it; 2. One who says, “I don’t intend to be married till I’m thirty,” while her modern sister says, “I don’t intend to be thirty until I’m married”; 3. One who hasn’t the slightest idea what old-fashioned is.
Old Maid: 1. A debutante who overdid it; 2. A girl who has been looked over and then overlooked; 3. A girl who knows all the answers but is never asked the questions; 4. A girl who regrets she had so much sense when she was young; 5. A girl who spends too much time chinning and not enough time necking; 6. A “yes” girl who never had a chance to talk; 7. Slipping beauty.
Old West: A place where men were men and smelled like horses.
Oldster: One who remembers when child guidance was something parents were expected to administer, not submit to.
Old-Timer: 1. A fellow who remembers when rockets were just part of a fireworks celebration; 2. A man who can remember when a careless driver, out his girl, let the horse stop to graze; 3. A man whose summer vacation was one day at the country fair; 4. A man who turned out the gas while courting, instead of stepping on it; 5. A person who can remember when he could remember; 6. A real old-timer can remember when Sunday drivers let off steam by shaking their buggy whips at each other; 7. One who can recall when a bureau was a piece of furniture; 8. One who can recall when a shoemaker stuck to his last, and wives stuck to their first; 9. One who can remember when callers rang the doorbell instead of blowing the horn; 10. One who can remember when folks sat down at the dinner table and counted their blessings instead of calories; 11. One who can remember when grand-pap wore his suspenders the way modern gals wear a one-strap evening dress; 12. One who can remember when the woman he left behind stayed there; 13. One who can remember when there were no deductions in his pay until he got home; 14. One who can remember when women had no figures to speak of; 15. One who can remember when you couldn’t eat a dollar’s worth at a cafeteria; 16. One who has never been able to figure out why women still take as much time to dress as they did when they wore clothes; 17. One who remembers when a babysitter was called a mother; 18. One who remembers when a child had more brothers and sisters than fathers; 19. One who remembers a housewife putting food into cans, instead of taking it out; 20. One who remembers when a dishwashing machine had to be married, not bought; 21. One who remembers when a man did his own withholding on his take-home pay; 22. One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization; 23. One who remembers when dancing was done with the feet; 24. One who remembers when he could buy a pound of steak for a dime, but forgets he had to work an hour to earn the dime; 25. One who remembers when, if a woman told how many quarts and pints she had on the shelf, she meant canned fruit; 26. One who remembers when it cost more to run a car than to park it; 27. One who remembers when marriage problems were solved, not dissolved; 28. One who remembers when modern meant being up to the minute, instead of years and years ahead; 29. One who remembers when only fighting men died with their boots on; 30. One who remembers when people were more intelligent than machines; 31. One who remembers when people who wore blue jeans worked; 32. One who remembers when the medicine man used to come to town on a wagon instead of a television signal; 33. One who remembers when the only people who paid income taxes were those who could afford to; 34. One who remembers when the only problem about parking was to get the girl to agree to it; 35. One who remembers when we just laughed at the fellow who thought he was going to set the world on fire; 36. You’re an old-timer if you can remember when any man who washed dishes worked in a restaurant; 37. One who can remember when the village square was a place - not a person; 38. One who can remember when the wonder drugs were mustard plasters and castor oil; 39. One who can remember when you built your garage on top of your house and called it an “attic.”; 40. A grandfather clock; 41. A person who remembers when you didn’t start to shop for Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Oleate: What Ole did when he went to a restaurant.
Oleomargarine: 1. The food of people who haven’t seen butter days; 2. Something you have to take for butter or worse.
Olfactory: Texas petroleum refinery.
Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Omelette: An Ebonic word from the Louisiana Public School System, as in: ’I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.’
On Line: 1. Where you hang your laundry to dry; 2. The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
On Time: An obscure term, meaning unknown.
One: Slightly more than none.
One Scent: The cost of a skunk.
Onion: A vegetable that builds you up physically but tears you down socially.
Onion Rings: Worn by vegetables when they get married.
Oniony: Something that sounds or appears real, but likely is the product of someone’s imagination, much like a story in The Onion, the news satire Web site.
Online: Where to stay when takin’ a sobriety test.
Oologist: A pusher for egg-suckers.
Open: 1. Allowing unobstructed entrance and exit; 2. Not shut, as in mouth; 3. The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
Open Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Open Mind: 1. A mind in which convictions go out as fast as they come in; 2. One that is too porous to hold a conviction.
Opera: 1. Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of dying, he sings; 2. Music that goes in one aria and out the other.
Opera Tryouts: 1. Trial and aria; 2. Italian vaudeville where you get stabbed and, instead of bleeding, you sing.
Operas in English: About as sensible as baseball in Italian.
Operatics: Bugs that live in an opera house.
Operation: A surgical job taking minutes to do and years to describe.
Operetta: 1. A girl who works for the telephone company; 2. An Italian telephone worker.
Opinionated People: Little rotund islands of complacency anchored in a sea of prejudices.
Opportune: Music played by entertainer on a pogo stick.
Opportunist: 1. A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath anyway; 2. One who meets the wolf at the door and appears the next day in a fur coat.
Opportunity: 1. A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment; 2. What always knocks when you’re in the shower.
Oppose: To assist with obstructions and objections.
Optical: When your eyes itch.
Optimism: 1. A cheerful frame-of-mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose; 2. The noble temptation to see too much in everything; 3. Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.
Optimist: 1. A fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out; 2. A fellow who goes into a hotel without baggage and asks to have his cheque cashed; 3. A fellow who is always talking about what a fool he used to be; 4. A girl who mistakes a bulge for a curve; 5. A guy who starts putting on his shoes when the speaker says, “And now, in conclusion…”; 6. A happychondriac; 7. A hope addict; 8. A man who is just starting to shovel out a long driveway (Pessimist: one who has been working at it for five minutes); 9. A man who marries his secretary - thinking he’ll continue to dictate to her; 10. A man who thinks a woman in a phone booth will be right out when he hears her starting to say good-bye; 11. A man who, while waiting for a woman, keeps his motor running; 12. A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants; 13. A person who puts a 5¢ stamp on a letter and marks it “rush”; 14. A single man contemplating marriage (Pessimist: a married man contemplating it); 15. A woman who leaves the dinner dishes because she will feel more like washing them in the morning; 16. One who already has his bad breaks relined; 17. One who calls a spade two spades; 18. One who doesn’t care what happens - so long as it doesn’t happen to him; 19. One who makes the best of conditions, after making the conditions the best possible; 20. One who says his glass is half-full, while the pessimist says his is half-empty; 21. One who thinks humourists will some day run out of definitions of an optimist; 22. Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way; 23. Someone who thinks he has a new definition of one; 24. The man who thinks his wife has given up when she has given in; 25. The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend; 26. Someone who thinks things can’t get worse - after they get worse; 27. One who, when he falls in the soup, considers himself in the swim; 28. A fisherman who takes a camera with him when he goes fishing; 29. A person who looks forward to enjoying the scenery on a detour; 30. The person who thinks he will never be a sucker again; 31. One who laughs to forget, whereas a pessimist forgets to laugh; 32. The human personification of spring; 33. A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river; 34. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white; 35. A husband who goes down to the marriage license bureau to see if maybe his has expired; 36. One who spends his last dollar to buy a money belt; 37. A woman who thinks the man she’s about to marry is better than the one she just divorced; 38. An anti-skeptic; 39. An optimist is one who hopes that all women are bad (a pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad); 40. Someone who allows his teenage son to borrow the car; 41. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in (a pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves).
Optometrist: A person you have to see.
Optorectomy: An operation severing the connection between your rectum and your eyes, hopefully to alleviate your crappy outlook on life.
Oral Contraceptive: The word “no”
Oration: A flood of words and a drought of reason.
Orator: 1. A man who’s willing to lay down your life for his country; 2. An unpopular wind instrument.
Oratory: 1. A solitary vice performed in public; 2. The art of making deep sounds from the chest seem like important messages from the brain.
Oratoreador: An orator who specializes in throwing the bull.
Oratory: The art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.
Order: The shape upon which beauty depends.
Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.
Oregano: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
Organ: A large upright bagpipe.
Organ Recital: A group of women discussing their operations.
Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move.
Organic: Church musician.
Organic Farm: Tilling like it is.
Orgasm: 1. The gland finale; 2. The punch line some women just don’t get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joe-k.
Orgasmi: The art of erotic paper folding.
Oriental Grocery Clerk: A Chinese checker.
Originality: 1. Undetected plagiarism; 2. A pair of fresh eyes; 3. The art of concealing your source; 4. The fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Orphan: 1. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude; 2. What you’ll wish you had been when you see the outfit your mother has planned to wear to your wedding.
Orthodox: Bone Doctors.
Orthorexia Nervosa: An eating disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to eat only what are considered to be healthy foods, resulting in a dietary imbalance.
Osmosis: An early Australian prophet.
Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Ostrich: 1. The giraffe among birds; 2. A chicken who has spent years in a bodybuilding program.
OTOH: On The Other Hand.
Otter: What water becomes as you heat it.
Ouch! The class yell of the School Of Experience.
Ouija Board: A device used by Yes Men.
Our National Air: Carbon monoxide.
Out: Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs to calls with a very important message.
Out Of Bounds: An exhausted kangaroo.
Out-Of-Doors: That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.
Outdo: To make an enemy.
Outfit: Pitching a hissy-fit outdoors.
Outlaws: A menace to society, but in-laws are worse.
Outpatient: Person who has fainted after seeing a Doctor’s bill.
Outside: Side of a house that gets the most rain.
Ova: Finished, done with.
Ovair: (Southern) In that direction. Usage: “Where’s yo paw, son?” “He’s ovair, suh.”
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Overbear: A better place to be than under one (maybe…).
Overeating: An activity that will make you thick to your stomach.
Overloaded: An elephant riding a bike.
Overstuffed Recliner: Mom’s nickname for Dad.
Over-Time: Time spent doing the work you never quite got round to doing in the day.
Overture: Someone who masticates too loudly.
Overweight: Just desserts.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Oxyacetylene Torch: Used for lighting hidden, stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter.
Oxygen: The plural of ox.
Oxymoron: As dubm as an ox.
Oyster: 1. A large crane; 2. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Oysters: The most tender and delicate of all seafoods. they stay in bed all day and night. They never work or take exercise, are stupendous drinkers, and wait for their meals to come to them.
Oyster Bed: A place for an oyster to sleep.
Oyster Stew: A food in which you sometimes find a pearl but rarely an oyster.
Ozone: A place in the alphabet between “n” and “p”.
Pacifist: 1. Substitute for a pacifier; 2. A guy who fights with everybody but the enemy; 3. A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fight.
Packet: What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
Padded Bra: A false front.
Paddleball: Sport that hurts the most.
Paddy O Furniture: Irish lawn chairs.
Pain: An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critics.
Pajamas: Items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire.
Palate: What a cannibal did to his friend.
Palaver: A kind of sweater.
Palm Tree: A tree with hands.
Palmistry: A method of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in ’reading character’ in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. Character can be read very accurately this way, for the wrinkles in every hand plainly spell the word ’dupe.’ The imposture consists in not reading it aloud.
Pancake: It always has to wait its turn.
Pandemonium: 1. A high rise housing development for pandas; 2. A din of iniquity.; 3. A black and white musical instrument.
Panic: 1. A sudden desertion of us, and a going-over to the enemy of our imagination; 2. What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Panther: Someone who panths.
Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
Pantomime: A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.
Pantry: 1. A collection of pants; 2. A trouser cupboard.
Pants: Something a dog does and a man steps into.
Pap Smear: 1. A fatherhood test; 2. To say bad things about your father.
Paper: 1. Remains stationary while prices are rising; 2. Tree squeezings.
Paper Clip: The primary tool of an engineer. Common uses are ejecting disks from locked up Macintoshes or CD-ROM drives that don’t want to give you your CD back, testing batteries, and prying staples out of things that shouldn’t have staples in them. Not to be used to hold paper together.
Paper Napkin: Its only ambition is to get down off your lap and play on the floor.
Par (golf): Mathematical perfection, usually attained with a soft pencil and a softer conscience.
Parable: A heavenly story with no earthly meaning.
Parables: 1. Twin male bovines; 2. Two bad puns.
Parachute: 1. A device that makes it possible to walk back from an airplane ride; 2. A double-barreled shotgun.
Parachutist: A guy for whom nothing ever opens up.
Paradigms: Not enough for a cup of coffee or a phone call these days.
Paradise: 1. Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon; 2. Two perfect little cubes with dots on them; 3. An amusement park for those who have died.
Paradox: 1. Two physicians; 2. A mallard and his mate.
Paraffins: Found on sides of fish.
Paragon: The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married.
Paralyze: 1. Two untruths; 2. Two far-fetched stories.
Paranoia: Knowing all the facts.
Paranoid: A couple interrupted by a cop in lovers’ lane.
Parasite: 1. One who goes through a revolving door on another’s push; 2. A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm, a biographer, or a reporter.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Parasols: Two men named Sol.
Paratrooper: 1. A drop out; 2. A soldier who climbs down trees he never climbed up; 3. The only man who gets up in the world by falling down on the job.
Pardon: To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
Parent: 1. A person who believes the words “progeny” and “prodigy” are interchangeable; 2. (collegiate definition) the kin you love to touch.
Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.
Parents: 1. One of the hardships of a minor’s life; 2. Persons who spend half their time worrying how a child will turn out, and the rest of the time wondering when a child will turn in; 3. People who use the rhythm system of birth control; 4. People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds; 5. The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.
Paris: The place where a man who has money to burn meets his match.
Park: Before children: a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck”; After children: a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Parking: Top golfer at the country club.
Parking Lot: A place where arguments start from scratch.
Parking Lot Attendant: Professional fender bender.
Parking Meter: 1. A snitching post; 2. An automatic device that bets a dollar to your nickel that you can’t get back before the time runs out; 3. A device that makes you do two hours shopping in one.
Parking Space: 1. An unfilled opening in an unending line of cars near an unapproachable fire hydrant; 2. An unoccupied place on the other side of the street; 3. Something you see when you haven’t got your car; 4. That area that disappears while you are making a U-turn; 5. A place occupied by someone already there.
Parody: A collection of pears.
Parole: A period at the end of a sentence.
Paronomasia: A pun pal.
Parrot: A bird with the ability to imitate man, but not the brains to refrain from doing so.
Parsley: A chef’s idea of décor.
Parthenon: The she-wolf who nursed Romeo and Juliet.
Particle: When you Dad amuses you.
Partisan: What you call your host at a soiree in Tokyo.
Pas De Deux: Father of twins.
Pascal: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
Passengers: Shock absorbers on buses.
Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
Passion: A persistent preoccupation with an idea your boss considers unreasonable.
Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.
Passport Photo: 1. A way to see yourself as others see you; 2. A photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Password: To hand a note to someone in class.
Password Fatigue: A level of frustration reached by having too many different passwords to remember, resulting in an inability to remember even those most commonly used.
Past: Something often forgotten for a present.
Past Tense: When you used to be nervous.
Pasteurize: Too far away to see.
Pathetic: Your pitiful attempt to buy a rare kosher double cheese burger with bacon in India.
Pathological: The smart way to go.
Pathologist: A Doctor who invents diseases for other Doctors to cure.
Pathology: Study of road maps.
Patience: 1. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue; 2. The ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears; 3. The ability to stand something as long as it happens to the other fellow; 4. The quality that is needed most just as it is exhausted; 5. A postponed temper; 6. The companion of wisdom; 7. The quality you admire in the driver behind you but can’t stand in the driver who’s in front of you; 8. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers”.
Patient Man: One who can put up with himself.
Patriot: 1. Man who loves his country, and wants to make as much out of it as possible; 2. One who is sorry because he has only one income to give to his country; 3. One who loves his country’s flag and robs his countrymen.
Patriotic American: One who never orders from a menu anything he can’t pronounce.
Patriotism: 1. Realization that this is a nation and not a denomination; 2. Your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it; 3. The frustration you feel when a foreigner wins the lottery; 4. Supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it; 5. Looking out for yourself by looking out for your country.
Patron: Commonly a wretch who supports with insolence and is paid with flattery.
Paunch: A bulging trunk.
Pawnbroker: 1. A man who takes an interest in everything; 2. One who lives off the flat of the land.
Paycheque: The only thing you really wanted when you thought you wanted a career.
P-Brane: Shortened form of membrane (see Brane).
Peace: 1. A period in which men toil to meet the expense of the wars preceding and succeeding; 2. A short pause between wars for enemy identification; 3. A period of unrest and confusion between wars; 4. A period of cheating between two periods of fighting; 5. The white space between the chapters in the history books; 6. Time-out; 7. The shortest distance between two wars.
Peace Conference: A meeting to find out who won’t win the next war.
Peach: An apple in need of a shave.
Pear: Fruit that never goes anywhere alone.
Pecan: 1. A container to urinate in; 2. A bedpan.
P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
PED: Post Election Depression
Pedestrian: 1. A car owner who has found a parking space; 2. A fellow whose wife beats him to the garage; 3. A guy who counted on his wife to put some gas in the car; 4. A guy with three good tires; 5. A man who falls by the wayside; 6. One who thought the tank still had gas when the needle read empty; 7. A man who thought there still were a couple of gallons/litres of gas left in the tank; 8. A man with a son in high school and only one car in the family; 9. Streetwalking object invisible to the motorist; 10. The most approachable chap in the world; 11. A husband who didn’t think the family had any need for two cars; 12. A man who dies with his boots on; 13. The variable part of the roadway for an automobile; 14. One who allowed his teenage son to borrow the car; 15. A driver with two or more children over 16.
Pediatrician: 1. A Doctor who plays only miniature golf; 2. Man of little patients; 3. A Doctor who caters to a small group of people.
Pedigree: A diploma for a dog.
Peeping Tom: 1. A window pain; 2. A window fan; 3. One who climbs the ladder of success stare by stare; 4. A perverted cat on stilts.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Pen Pal: The fellow who signs your paycheque.
Pen Pals: Pigs that get along well.
Pencil: A tiny tree used to draw a line in the sand.
Penicillin: What to give a man who has everything.
Penis: 1. Part of the male anatomy which contains the brain; 2. The male sexual organ used to write one’s name in snow.
Penny Bank: A wee fund account.
Penny Saved: A government oversight.
Pension: In England, understood to mean pay given to a state hireling for treason to his country.
Pentabarf: Conference scheduling software vying for the worst name for a software project.
People Churner: A bad boss who often is blamed when a company can’t retain its key employees.
PeopleSoft: Very expensive random number generator.
Peppier: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Pepsin: The evil of vitality
Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
Percussive Maintenance: 1. Striking a recalcitrant piece of computer hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary; 2. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Peregrines: Twin smiles.
Perfect Gentleman: A man of high principle and no interest.
Perfectionist: One who takes infinite pains, and often gives them to other people.
Perfect Fifth: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Perfect Man: A wife’s first husband.
Perfect Pitch: When you throw your son’s guitar into the dumpster and it lands right on top of his amplifier.
Perfect Summer Day: When the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, and the lawn mower is broken.
Perfect Wife: One who is deaf and dumb, over-sexed, and owner of a liquor store.
Perfectionist: A person who takes great pains - and gives them to others.
Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a month ago.
Performance Review: The only week out of 52 where you pay attention to what your boss says.
Perfume: 1. Any smell that is used to drown a worse one; 2. Chemical warfare; 3. What a woman hopes will make her the scenter of attention.
Period: A comma that curled up and went to sleep.
Perjurer: A person who testifies in court.
Perky: 1. How a coffee pot feels; 2. A person not smart enough to realize it’s Monday.
Peroxide Blonde: Convertible top.
Perpetual Motion: The family upstairs.
Perseverance: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Personality: The name we give to our own little collection of funny habits.
Perspective: Having customers who love you and a boss who hates you.
Perspicacity: Sweating because you may know too much.
Perspire: How Church builders calculate their construction costs.
Persuasion: What a cat uses to convince you she really does love you.
Pertyful: Pretty and cute.
Pessimist: 1. Someone who burns their bridges before they get to them; 2. A man to whom an optimist owes money; 3. An optimist on the way home from the horse races; 4. An optimist who endeavoured to practice what he preached; 6. A woman driver who’s sure she can’t park her car in a tight place (Optimist: a man who thinks she won’t try); 6. One who blows out the light to see how dark it is; 7. One who feels bad when he feels good for fear he’ll feel worse when he feels better; 8. One who is always building dungeons in the air; 9. One who, of two evils, chooses them both; 10. One who sizes himself up and then gets sore about it; 11. One who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it; 12. One who has been working at something for five minutes; 13. One who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks; 14. One to whom every year is a good whine year; 15. A mis-fortune teller; 16. A person who always says things are going to get worse; 17. A person who lives with an optimist; 18. A person who is happy when he is wrong; 19. A person who looks at a doughnut and sees nothing but the hole; 20. A man who is never happy unless he is miserable, and even then he is not pleased; 21. A cured optimist; 22. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad (an optimist is one who hopes so); 23. One who doesn’t allow his teenage son to borrow the car; 24. (An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in)... A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves; 25. One who counts his blessings: five, four, three, two, one...; 26. A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY.
Pestariffic: Adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Pesticide: A noxious chemical preparation designed to poison any animal having the audacity to attach a vegetable.
Petition: A list of people who didn’t have the nerve to say “no.”
Petrified Forest: A bunch of trees that came up the hard way.
Petrophobic: One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
Petting: The study of anatomy in braille.
Petty Officer: A naval officer in charge of unimportant things.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Pharmacist: 1. A helper on the farm; 2. Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture; 3. A piller of the community.
Ph.D.: 1. Piled Higher and Deeper; 2. A good Doctor whose writing and lecturing style successfully cures the average student of any hunger for knowledge; 3. A degree which causes the bearer to proceed from cocksure ignorance to thoughtful uncertainty.
Philanderer: A man who considers himself too good to be true.
Philanthropist: 1. A man who atones openly for the wrong which he has done secretly; 2. One who gives away what he should be giving back; 3. One who returns to the people publicly what he steals from them privately; 4. A rich old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket; 5. A bandit who is kind to beggars.
Philistines: Inhabitants of the Philippine Islands.
Phillips Screwdriver: 1. Used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; 2. Used to round off Phillips screw heads.
Philosopher: 1. A forsooth-sayer; 2. A fellow who always knows what to do until it happens to him; 3. A man who can get the “fun” out of “defunct”; 4. A person wearing a blindfold, in a dark room, looking for a black cat - which wasn’t there; 5. A person who says he doesn’t care which side his bread is buttered on, because he eats both sides anyway; 6. One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water; 7. Is someone without a job, but at least understands why.
Philosophers: 1. People who talk about something they don’t understand, and make you think it’s your fault; 2. Adults who persist in asking childish questions.
Philosophy: 1. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing; 2. A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently; 3. Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor; 4. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems; 5: Common sense in a dress suit; 6. At once the most sublime and the most trivial of human pursuits; 7. The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends; 8. A system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd; 9. Common sense of the next century; 10. Like a pigeon, something to be admired as long as it isn’t over your head.
Phlebitis: Why dogs scratch.
Phone Booth: Where one sees the handwriting on the wall.
Phonesia: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Phonograph: An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
Phony: 1. Related to telephones; 2. A guy who tries to cut his throat with an electric razor.
Photo Salesman: A person who makes more money by enlarge.
Photograph: A secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.
Photograph Albums: The strange views people take of things.
Photographer: 1. One who can make an ugly girl as pretty as a picture; 2. A confused person. First he asks you to smile then he snaps at you.
Photosynthesis: A dissertation about vice, with pictures.
Phraisin: (Southern) Very cold. Usage: “Shut that door. It’s phraisin in here.”
Phrase Guaranteed To Wake Up An Audience: “And now, in conclusion...”
Phrenology: The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.
Phylum: What secretaries do with documents.
Physical Education: What a young boy gets each time he goes to the beach.
Physical Therapist: A Sadist with a job.
Physician: A man who pours drugs of which he knows little into a body of which he knows less.
Physics: 1. Geometric proof on steroids; 2. The operating system that runs the universe.
Physiognomy: The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.
Piano: A parlour utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
Picasso Bum: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.
Pickle: Cucumber in trouble.
Pickpocket: A man who believes that every crowd has a silver lining
Pickup artist: An artist whose specialty is painting pictures of trucks.
Pickupnoxious: Having attitudes particular to the ill-bred, testosterone-poisoned male, characterized by poor driving habits, rudeness, and inordinate pride in owning a pickup truck.
Picnic: An ant’s lunch.
Picture: A representation in tow dimensions of something wearisome in three.
Pidgin: The English language pitched in the key of Asia.
Piece De Resistance: A French virgin.
Pigamist: A man who has more than one wife.
Pig: An animal closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite.
Piggyback: A lost pig comes home.
Pigment: A mint plant grown to feed hogs.
Pigmy: One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern times in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the buldier Caucasians, who are Hogmies.
Pigs: Always take hogwash.
Pigswill: How a dead pig leaves things to his family.
Pillow: 1. A nap sack; 2. Running short on medication.
Pimp: 1. For whom the belle tolls; 2. A nookie bookie.
Pink Elephant: A beast of bourbon.
Pipe Cleaner: A toothpick with long underwear.
Pirate Ship: A thugboat.
PITA: Pain in the ass, as in “she is such a pita.”
Pitch: To grovel shamelessly.
Pitchfork: The correct way to find the key to a piece of music.
Pizzicato: One with tomato, hold the cheese.
Placate: Have the lead in ’Taming of the Shrew’.
Plagiarism: 1. Taking something from one man and making it worse; 2. Stealing a ride on someone’s train of thought; 3. Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft.
Plagiarist: 1. A man whose scissors are sharper than his wits; 2. A writer of plays.
Plagiarize: To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never read.
Plaintiff: A simple argument.
Plan: To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.
Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Planned Economy: 1. A truth we are tired of hearing; 2. A dull old saw that everyone borrows, but no one sharpens; 3. An old saw that has lost its teeth.
Planning: The art of putting off until tomorrow what you have no intention of doing today.
Plant: An organism which converts dirt into yard work.
Plaster Cast: The drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert.
Plastic Sturgeon: 1. First artificial fish; 2. A Doctor who cures people who are sick of their faces.
Plastodon: A person whose face is 51% or more plastic from reconstructive surgery.
Plate: A breakable Frisbee.
Plateau: A high form of flattery.
Platitude: 1. An observation too true to be good; 2. Your opinion of the DeeJay.
Platonic Friendship: Play for him and tonic for her.
Platonic Love: 1. All of the pleasures with none of the responsibilities; 2. The gun you didn’t know was loaded; 3. Sex above the ears.
Platonic Lover: A man who holds the eggshells while somebody else eats the omelette.
Play: Work you don’t have to do.
Playboy: 1. A man who summers in the Alps, winters in Miami, and springs at blondes; 2. One who is very good at being no good.
Playing By Note: Learning to play the piano by note instead of by ear. Thirty-six payments on the note and the piano is yours to learn to play.
Playwright: Follow the rules of the board game.
Please: To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
Pleasingly Plump: A girl with a shape like a figure ate.
Pleasure Trip: Any trip that your wife can put in the memory book - and you can put on the expense account.
Plebiscite: A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
Plenipotentiary: Place where foreign prisoners are kept.
Plugthug: Someone who’d kill for access to recharging facilities.
Plum: (Southern) Completely. Usage: “Ah’m plum wore out.”
Plumber: 1. A drain surgeon; 2. A guy with a pipe dream; 3. A person who hangs out under people’s sinks.
Plunder: To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary reticences of theft.
Plutoed: To be unceremoniously dumped or relegated to a lower position without an adequate reason or explanation.
Plutophiles: People who refuse to accept the downgrading of Pluto to a dwarf planet by astronomers.
Pocket Watch: A watch for people who don’t like having time on their hands.
Pod Slurping: Downloading of large quantities of data to an MP3 player or memory stick from a computer.
Podiatrist: Impoverished collector of diaries.
Poet: An individual so in love with language who can, for the sake of art, survive any hardship - except a misprint.
Poetry: 1. An elm that rhymes; 2. A theorem of a yellow-silk handkerchief knotted with riddles, sealed in a balloon tied to the tail of a kite flying in a white wind against a blue sky in the spring.
Poets: Writers who are usually poor, because rhyme does not pay.
Pogonophobia: The scientific term for fear of beards.
Point-and-click Interface: A Smith & Wesson.
Pointless: To write with a broken pencil.
Poise: 1. The ability to face the guillotine without losing your head; 2. An acquired characteristic which enables father to buy a new pair of shoes at the same time he is ignoring a hole in his sock; 3. The ability to keep talking while somebody else picks up the cheque; 4. The act of raising the eyebrows instead of the roof; 5. Raising only one eyebrow on your first trip to the nudist camp; 6. The ability to be ill at ease naturally.
Pokemon: 1. A Jamacian proctologist; 2. A Rastafarian proctologist.
Poker: When it’s darkest just before you’ve drawn.
Poker Hand: What you do when you’re trying to get a blood sample from the finger of a lady.
Polar Bar: An Alaska tavern.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Pole Vault: A bank room in Poland.
Police: The only people who are paid to go around pinching people in the wrong places.
Police Station: A place where sleeping is all right in a pinch.
Polite: A light on a pole.
Politeness: 1. Yawning with your mouth closed; 2. The art of choosing among your thoughts; 3. The most acceptable hypocrisy; 4. Offering your seat to a lady when you get off a crowded bus.
Political Appointment: A job in which the work consists of getting the job.
Political Campaign: 1. A war in which everybody shoots from the lip; 2. A matter of mud, threats, and smears.
Political Candidate: A person who stands for what he thinks the people will fall for.
Political Correctness: 1. A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end; 2. Always having to say you’re sorry.
Political Economy: Two words that should be divorced on grounds of incompatibility.
Political Machine: A united minority working against a divided majority.
Political Moderator: A guy who makes enemies left and right.
Political Plum: The result of careful grafting.
Political War: One in which everyone shoots from the lip.
Politician: 1. A hot air balloon that talks; 2. A career that’s most promising; 3. A fellow who borrows your pot in which to cook your goose; 4 A fellow who’s got what it takes to take what you’ve got; 5. A man who divides his time between running for office and running for cover; 6. A man who shakes your hand in the hope of shaking your purse; 7. A man who spends half his time making laws, and the other half helping friends evade them; 8. A man who stands for what he thinks others will fall for; 9. A person who can talk in circles while standing foursquare; 10. One who promises the people a car in every garage when he runs for office, and after he is elected proceeds to erect parking meters; 11. One who, when he comes to the parting of the ways, goes both ways; 12. One who, when he comes to a fork in the road, goes both ways; 13. A man who will stand for anything that he thinks will leave him sitting pretty; 14. A man who works his gums before an election and gums up the works afterward; 15. A goon with the wind; 16. One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after; 17. Someone who tosses his hat in the ring without first removing his brain; 18. One who is willing to do anything on earth for the workers except become one; 19. A person with whose politics you don’t agree. If you agree with him, he is a statesman; 20. A word of two parts: poly (many) and ticks (bloodsucking parasites); 21. The art of obtaining money from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretext of protecting each from the other.
Politicians: 1. People who get in the public eye by getting in the public chest; 2. Something like poor relatives - you only see them when they need help; 3. People who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out any buy more tunnel; 4. The only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.
Politics: 1. A simple matter of either passing the buck or passing the doe; 2. Be sure you’re in right, then go ahead; 3. One party trying to get into office and the other party trying to stay in; 4. The art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies; 5. The art of obtaining money from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretext of protecting each form the other; 6. The only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary; 7. Where people work hard to get a job and do nothing after they get it; 8. That which makes strange postmasters; 9. In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.
Polls: Places where you stand in line for a place to decide who will spend your money.
Pollyanalist: Over-Optimistic News Commentator.
Pollytheism: The belief that God is a parrot.
Polygamy: A system where the wives fight each other instead of their husband.
Polygon: 1. Who left the cage door open?; 2. A man who has eight wives; 3. A dead parrot; 4. A parrot that got away.
Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
Polyunsaturated: A dry parrot.
Pompeii: 1. The volcano that buried Pompei in larva; 2. Canadian pomp.
Ponticello: A papal cello.
Pontificate: To talk like a stuffed shirt.
Ponzu: In Japanese cookery, a citrus-based sauce, light yellow in colour.
Poop Deck: A naval term attributed to Noah.
Poor Man: A man who has nothing but money.
Pop Server: Mom
Popeye: What some bathing beauties do to men at beaches.
Poptronica: A genre of pop music created by electronic means (i.e. synthesizers).
Popularity: 1. To be gifted with the virtue of knowing a whole lot of uninteresting people; 2. To be popular, ask people for advice. Don’t do anything about it - just ask.
Population Explosion: When people take leave of their census.
Porcupine: 1. A yearning for bacon; 2. Non-Kosher version of a coniferous tree.
Pornography: 1. Bedridden literature; 2. Obscene records you play on a pornograph; 3. A two-dimensional substitute for that which the consumer cannot accomplish in three.
Porpoise: A fish with a goal in life.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid”“hORRId”“sluDGE”
Port: Fancy wine.
Portable: Cheap furniture.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Portage: The shortest distance between two hernias.
Portend: Left side of something about to hit you.
Portfolio: Cheap wine for a lion.
Portuguese: A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.
Position Closed: This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, “Form line here.”
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.
Positive Thinking: Self-improvement through self-deception.
Posse: A Wild West cat.
Possibly: No or yes, in three syllables.
Post Office: U.S. Snail.
Post Operative: Letter carrier.
Postage Dew: Mail delivered wet.
Postage Stamp: Goes around the world but stays in a corner.
Postal Worker: A container labeled ’CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE’, slowly heated over a fire by illiterate supervisors.
Poster: An inexpensive way to decorate a dorm room while making people think you’ve been to foreign lands and done things you never have.
Posterity: 1. What the founding fathers would not have talked about so glowingly if they had known we were going to be it; 2. What happens when you try to get monkeys to stand up straight.
Posthumous: A child born after the death of its parents.
Postscript: Grafitti on a pole.
Potash: All that’s left after you smoke the joint.
Pot Belly: A guy who hides marijuana in his belly button.
Pot Luck: Finding good weed.
Potash: All that’s left after you smoke the joint.
Potholder: What you don’t want to be when the cops arrive.
Potomac Fever: That hideous American disease which causes one to swell without growing.
Poultry In Motion: A chicken crossing the road.
Poultrygeist: A haunted chicken.
Poverty: 1. A state of mind sometimes induced by a neighbour’s new car; 2. One thing that money can’t buy.
Powder: Something that may cause an explosion if found on the lapel.
Power: 1. To know, and to know that you know; 2. The ultimate aphrodesiac.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
Practice Green: A putting area near the clubhouse where players can try out chips, pitches and putts. It’s usually located near the 19th hole so players can also work on their nips, drafts and snorts.
Practical Man: One who looks for a wife who has a fur coat already and has had her appendix out.
Practical Nurse: One who marries her rich patient.
Practical Politician: A man who shakes your hand before election and your acquaintance afterwards.
Practicle: The path of least resistance, as dull and unenlightening as that is.
Prairie Dogging: A modern office pheomenon that occurs when workers simultaneously pop their heads up out of their cubicles to see what’s going on around them. This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.
Praise: 1. What you receive when you are no longer alive; 2. Letting off esteem; 3. The sweetest of all sounds.
Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Prayer: A little message to God, sent at night to get the cheaper rate.
Preamble: A group of politicians.
Precinct: Sunk before you could get there.
Precursor: The space in front of my cursor.
Predicament: When a woman doesn’t want any more birthdays, but still wants the presents.
Pregnancy: 1. The shape of things to come; 2. Taking seriously something that was poked in fun.
Pregnant Pause: The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.
Prehistoric: Belonging to an early period and a museum.
Prehistoric Times: The most widely read newspaper in the Stone Age.
Prejudice: 1. A disease characterized by hardening of the categories; 2. A lazy man’s substitute for thinking; 3. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support; 4. Being down on something you’re not up on; 5. Merely bad manners raised to an intolerable degree; 6. The dislike of the unlike; 7. Weighing the facts with your thumb on the scale; 8. A great time-saver that enables one to form opinions without bothering to get the facts.
Pre-jump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a pre-scream and a few pre-groans.
Prelate: 1. A Church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment; 2. One of Heaven’s aristocracy; 3. A gentleman of God.
Pre-Law: The major of a person who will end up in sales.
Premature Birth: One that occurs before the expectant parents are well traveled and filthy rich.
Premature Death: A major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature Immaculation: When a fifteen-year-old girl decides to become a nun.
Prenatal: When your life was still your own.
Prepared Childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Prepone: To move forward in time (the opposite of postpone).
Prescribed: Written beforehand. Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
Present: That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
Presentable: Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.
Presidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
Press Agent: 1. One who has hitched his braggin’ to a star; 2. One who is willing to put your feet in his mouth.
Press Release: Simplified instructions for manual operation of elevators.
Pretzel: 1. A biscuit on a bender; 2. A biscuit that got lost on a detour.
Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
Price Tag: Most popular game in a toy store.
Prickly Pear: Two porcupines going steady.
Pride: 1. A disease that makes everyone sick but the one who has it; 2. Pride is what we have - vanity is what others have.
Priesthood: Special headgear for a Priest.
Prima Donna Assoluta: Stupid soprano.
Primate: Removing your spouse from the TV.
Prime Rib: The main taunt of the evening.
Primitive Artist: An amateur whose work sells.
Principal: Friend of the Duke of Wales.
Printer: 1. Someone who can’t write in cursive; 2. A piece of equipment that consists of three parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Priority: A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn’t care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.
Prism: A place for light waves that commit minor refractions.
Prison: The tuition you pay to learn you can’t sell anything that isn’t yours.
Prison Bling: Handcuffs.
Prisoner: 1. A bird in a guilty cage; 2. One who has committed the crime of getting caught.
Private: 1. A soldier who has no privacy whatsoever; 2. A military gentleman with a field-marshal’s baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope.
Private Account: Politically correct lingo for a piggy bank.
Private Eye: A guy who prys harder.
Prize Fish: Any fish that weighs more than the gear used to catch it.
Pro Bozo Publico: Support your local clown.
Pro Wrestling: A form of theater dedicated to the preservation of our Neanderthal heritage.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Procrastination: 1. The greatest time-saver of all; 2. The art of keeping up with yesterday; 3. A method of work completion most often employed by students, taken to the level of an art form by its most adept practitioners.
Procrastinator: 1. One who puts off until tomorrow the things he has already put off until today; 2. A person who has wait problems.
Proctocol: One who is a practical rectum digger - short form of ’proctological’.
Proctologist: A Doctor with his head up your rear end.
Prodigy: 1. A child who plays the piano when he ought to be asleep in bed; 2. A child who is just as smart at four as he will be at forty.
Producer: A man who stands in the back of the theatre on opening night and wishes he were dead.
Profanity: The father tongue.
Professional Bowler: A man right up his alley.
Professional Men: Slaves to conventions.
Professor: 1. A man whose job it is to tell students how to solve the problems of life which he himself has tried to avoid by becoming a professor; 2. A textbook wired for sound; 3. One who talks in someone else’s sleep.
Professor Emeritus: A teacher who has had it.
Professors: 1. Those who go to college and never get out; 2. There are two types: the dead and the buried.
Profit: Religious guy who talks to God.
Program: In favour of the metric system.
Program Log: A document, written in Sanskrit, which might give you a rough idea of what to do on the air, but usually doesn’t.
Programmer: 1. Guy with the TV remote; 2. Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Programmers: 1. Computer avengers; 2. Red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects; 3. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Progress: 1. Something that’s achieved by man’s innate desire to live beyond his means; 2. Swapping old troubles for new; 3. The slow business of falling in line with the schemes of minorities; 4. What an inactive committee always reports; 5. The continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink and wear as good as we think they used to be; 6. The public illusion that everything is getting better and better, coupled with the private suspicion that it’s only getting more and more complicated; 7. A place 17 miles west of Dawson Creek, B.C.
Project Manager: The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Projectra: A drug given to men to make them actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
Promise: 1. Gets broken without ever being held; 2. What you can’t keep until you’ve given it.
Promiscuous Person: A person who is getting more sex than you are.
Promoter: A man who will furnish the ocean if you will furnish the ships.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was.
Pronoun: Being in favor of nouns.
Proof Of Purchase: An empty wallet.
Proof Reader: A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
Propaganda: 1. Patriotism as practiced by our enemies; 2. Polite, well behaved male goose.
Prophecy: The wit of a fool.
Prophet: A person who foresees trouble.
Propaganda: 1. Baloney disguised as food for thought; 2. The other side’s case put so convincingly that it annoys you; 3. What the other side is lying about.
Propane: A masochist.
Prophesy: Any prediction that is sufficiently vague so as to allow one to dust it off every year or so and declare it fulfilled.
Prophylactic: A rubber check.
Proposal: 1. A figure of speech ending in a sentence; 2. A girl listening faster than a man can talk.
Prosperity: 1. Being able to pay a little more for things we shouldn’t buy anyway; 2. Something the businessmen created for the politicians to take credit for; 3. That short period between the final instalment and the next purchase; 4. The sweet buy and buy; 5. Something you feel, fold and forward to the Internal Revenue Service.
Prostate: Flat on your back.
Prostate Problem: To pee or not to pee - that is the question.
Prostitute: A busy body.
Prosumer: An amateur who has the knowledge and expertise that requires him to buy “professional” level equipment instead of what’s sold to most consumers. Also, a common term to describe consumer equipment that’s a notch below professional grade.
Protected Class: Rank and file employees with critical job skills.
Protein: 1. Favouring young people; 2. A call girl too young to vote; 3. An advocate of teenagers’ rights.
Proverbs: 1. The wisdom of many and the wit of one; 2. Short sentences drawn from long experiences.
Providence: Angels rushing in where fools fear to tread.
Prune: A plum that has seen better days.
Pseudo Intellectual: One who knows what pseudo means.
Pseudonymphomania: The compulsive desire to have sex under an assumed name.
Psychiatrist: 1. A fellow who goes to a burlesque show to watch the audience; 2. A guy who makes you squeal on yourself; 3. A Doctor who doesn’t have to worry as long as other people do; 4. A mind sweeper; 5. One who tries to find out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult in adultery; 6. A head coach; 7. Someone who, when a pretty woman enters the room, watches everyone else; 7. A Jewish Doctor who hates the sight of blood.
Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.
Psychiatrist’s Couch: 1. Bunk bed; 2. Where you land when you go off your rocker.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Psychologist: 1. A person who pulls habits out of a rat; 2. A person who encourages you to speak freely and then charges you for listening; 3. A man who, when a good-looking girl enters a room, watches everybody else.
Psychology: 1. The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’t understand; 2. The science of everything we know about what people are willing to tell us.
Psychopath: What crazy people take to get through the forest.
Pterodactyl: The early bird.
Ptolemy: A Greek scientist who discovered the cause of ptomaine poisoning.
Puberty: 1. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 2. The age at which most humans jettison their genius and start revving up their genes.
Public Interest: A term used by every politician to support his ideas.
Public Opinion: 1. A private gossip which has reached the proportions and virulence of an epidemic; 2. What people think other people are thinking.
Public Relations: The letter you don’t write when you’re mad and the nice letter you write to the so-and-so the next day, after you’ve regained your sense of humour.
Public Speaking: The art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
Publicity: The art of putting the best feat forward.
Publish: In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.
Puck: 1. A hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can’t hit one another; 2. Last week’s left-over biscuit.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Puff Adder: A chain smoking accountant.
Puffin: A bird that is always out of breath.
Pugilist: 1. A boxer with an education; 2. A person who believes that it is better to give than to receive; 3. A roster of prizefighters.
Pun: The lowest form of humour - unless you thought of it first.
Puncil: What you write joe-ks with.
Punctuality: 1. A grandstand play in an empty ball park; 2. The art of guessing how late the other fellow is going to be; 3. The art of wasting only your own time; 4. Waiting around for other people; 5. The art of arriving for an appointment just in time to be indignant at the tardiness of the other party; 6. The best way to avoid meeting people.
Punctuation: Comma sense.
Puncture: 1. A little hole in a tire found a great distance from a garage or gas station; 2. A hissing sound followed by profanity.
Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Puppy: A little waggin’ without wheels.
Puppy Love: The beginning of a dog’s life.
Purist: An angler who doesn’t catch any fish because he uses only dry flies the size of dandruff, often conceitedly refers to himself as a purist. Other anglers refer to him as a loon.
Puritan: 1. A man who no’s what he likes; 2. A person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having a good time.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Purrverse: A poem about a wicked kitty.
Push: 1. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull; 2. My car works by push button - if the buttons don’t work, I push.
Put-Down: Too hot to handle.
Puttering: Woman’s word for man’s work.
Putting Green: Great oaths from little acorns grow.
Pylon: What a nymphomaniac says at a nude beach party.
Qcumbersome: A salad that contains too many cucumbers.
QOS: Quality of Service - something you pay for but don’t get.
Quack: A duck’s Doctor.
Quadrant: Four-sided insect.
Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
Quagmire: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from.
Quake: Fearful duck call.
Qualified: The opposite of running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Quality: 1. The kind of sex your wife wants; 2. Doing it right when no one is looking; 3. A very fine, hot beverage, especially drunk by the English.
Quality Control: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
Quality Of Life: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
Qualm: Feeling odd about a coming storm.
Quantum: That embarrassing little piece of thread that always hangs from the sweater of space-time. Pull it and the whole thing unravels.
Quantum Particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
Quarantine: When a youth locks himself in his bedroom for months at a time.
Quarterback: What you’ll never get if you misdial from a pay phone.
Quartet: 1. Four guys who think the other three sing off-key; 2. The sum of two pints.
Quattro Sinko: Four bull fighters in quicksand.
Quay: Something you need to start a motor boat.
Que Sera Serf: Life is feudal.
Queen: A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
Question: A thing with two sides so long as it does not concern us personally.
Questions: The key to unlocking our unlimited potential.
Queue: What an Englishman forms, even if he’s alone.
Quickie: No sooner spread than done.
Quicksand: Beach where motor races are held.
Quickset: Type of glue.
Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Quince: Five children born at the same time.
Quinine: A valuable medicine that comes from barking trees.
Quip Pro Quo: A fast retort.
Quiver: A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.
Quota: Someone who likes to report other people’s speech.
Quotes: Inspiration for the uninspired.
Rabbit: Hare today, mink tomorrow.
Rabble: A pile of debris left behind by a disorderly crowd.
Race: The things that come out from the Sun and travel across space at an amazing speed.
Race Track: 1. A place where a man is washed up as soon as he loses his shirt; 2. A place where windows clean people; 3. Where thousands of people can go for a ride on the same horse.
Racehorse: 1. A barn athlete; 2. A fast means of redistributing wealth; 3. An animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.
Racist Pig: A hog on wheels.
Rack: An argumentative implement formerly used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.
Raconteur: A blow-hard who keeps telling you the same anecdotes over and over again.
Radialyricterial: A person who knows all the words to all the 50s, 60s & 70s songs.
Radiant: 1. A small insect that’s prepared; 2. A mutant bug which begins to glow after it’s been exposed to atomic energy.
Radical: 1. A conservative out of a job; 2. A man with both feet firmly planted in the air; 3. Anyone whose opinion differs from ours.
Radio: A repercussion instrument.
Radio Announcer: A man who talks until you have a headache, then tries to sell you something to relieve it.
Radio City: The tower of babble.
Radio Commercial: The pause that depresses.
Radish: A vegetable that speaks for itself.
Radius: More than one radio.
Ragamuffin: Something to eat at a Ravi Shankar concert.
Railroads: Two backbones with a thousand ribs.
Railroad Ties: Ties you can’t wear.
Rainbow: 1. Heaven’s promise in Technicolor; 2. A fancy knot tied in a leather strap attached to a horse’s bit.
Raise: The increase in pay you get just before going into debt a little further.
Raisin: 1. A worried grape; 2. A grape with a sunburn.
Raisin Pay: Giving a well-deserved raise to your employees.
Raising A Teenager: Like nailing Jell-O to a wall.
Ram: 1. Lamb’s daddy; 2. The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work; 3. A sheep that always butts in.
Ramdubmtious: A rowdy, energetic person who’s not too bright.
Ramnification: 1. To make someone feel sheepish; 2. What made Mary have a little lamb.
Rampage: 1. Section of a book about male sheep; 2. Memory section in a computer catalog.
Rampart: Painting displayed on a ramp.
Ramshackle: Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as the Normal American.
Ranch: (Southern) A tool. Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
Ransom: 1. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer; 2. The most unprofitable of investments.
Rap: 1. A pounding headache set to rhythm; 2. A profane street sermon; 3. The end of music as we know it.
Rapids: An escalator in a river.
Rapscallion: A door knocker shaped like an onion.
Rare Volume: A returned book.
Rash: Insensible to the value of our advice.
Ratify: To use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
Rational: Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
Rationing: Less and less of more and more oftener and oftener.
Rats: (Southern) Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for are rats.”
Rattan: What a rat gets while vacationing in Hawaii.
Rattler: A skeleton snake.
Rattlesnake: Tattle tail.
Raving Beauty: 1. A girl who thinks she was cheated in a beauty contest; 2. The second place winner in a beauty contest.
Rawhide: A nudist’s clothes.
Razor: An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.
Reactionary: A somnambulist walking backward.
Reactionary Judge: One you do not agree with.
Read Dating: A form of speed dating in which the participants display a list of their favourite books underneath their name tag in order to facilitate the identification of a common interest.
Reading: Thinking with someone else’s head instead of one’s own.
Real Estate: What your house is called during divorce proceedings.
Real Music Lover: The woman who applauds when her husband comes home singing at dawn.
Real Soon Now: When the software will be shipped.
Realist: One who insists on touching wet paint signs.
Reality: 1. The dream of a mad philosopher; 2. The leading cause of stress among those in touch with it; 3. The place where the pizza delivery man comes from; 4. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Realize: Those you can see with.
Realm: To be charitable... once again!
Realtor: A man with lots to sell.
Realty: A brewed beverage that is not fake.
Reason: A slave to the emotions.
Rebate: Putting another worm on the hook.
Rebel: What you have to do when kids don’t come to class when first called.
Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
Rebuttal: A goat’s revenge.
Recede: Plant the garden again.
Receiver: An official appointed by the court to take what’s left.
Recess: Teacher’s coffee break.
Recession: 1. A period in which you tighten your belt. (Depression: A period in which you have no belt to tighten); 2. What happens when the boom is lowered; 3. When your neighbour loses their job (Depression: when you lose your job)
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
Recitative: The tune will be along any minute.
Reckless Driver: One who passes you on the highway in spite of all you can do.
Recluse: Second examination of the crime scene.
Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known.
Recombinant DNA: Designer genes.
Recount: 1. Honorary title reaffirmed by Floridians; 2. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.
Recovery Room: 1. Place to do upholstery; 2. Place to upholster furniture.
Recreation: A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.
Recruit: A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a solder by his gait.
Rectangle: What the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick.
Rectify: When you try to fix something, but end up wrecking it instead.
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Rectum: Damn near killed ’em!
Recursive: See recursive...
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Red Light: The place where you catch up with the motorist who passed you at 60 M.P.H. a mile back.
Redskins: 1. People on the America’s bathing beaches; 2. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red - at least not on the outside.
Reduce: A messed up point in Tennis, when you were on ’Advantage’.
Reducing: Wishful shrinking.
Reel: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Reference Manual: 1. Object that raises the monitor to eye level; 2. Used to compensate for a short table leg.
Referendum: A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
Refinement: The ability to yawn without opening your mouth.
Reform: To gain or lose weight.
Reformer: Someone who wants his conscience to be your guide.
Refrigerator: 1. Where you put dabs of food on dishes you don’t want to wash; 2. A communal coffin for decomposing animal and vegetable carcasses; 3. The centerpiece of every American home.
Refuse: 1. What you do next, after blowing a fuse; 2. What to do when the lights go out.
Regatta: A sail’s meeting.
Reformer: 1. One who doesn’t realize how much worse things can be made; 2. One who wants his conscience to be your guide; 3. A man who rides through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat; 4. One who insists upon his conscience being your guide; 5. One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat out of the bag.
Regression Analysis: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.
Regret: 1. Insight that comes a day too late; 2. Making the final payment on the engagement ring three months after the divorce becomes final.
Reindeer: A horse with a hat rack.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a Redneck.
Rejoinder: Married his ex.
Relations: 1. A tedious pack of people who haven’t the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die; 2. People who come to visit you when the weather is too hot to cook their own meals.
Relationship: 1. What men and women started having together after the demise of romance; 2. A liaison that commences with mutual lust and normally ends with mutual disgust.
Relative Humidity: That’s when your kin are all wet.
Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.
Relative Minor: A girlfriend.
Relative Quantities: How many people show up for Christmas Dinner.
Relay: 1. What a hen does when not satisfied with the first egg; 2. The second time around.
Reliable Source: The guy you just met.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Religion: Organization of people with a set of deeply-held, sacred and traditional spiritual beliefs which you will have to adopt to for a few weeks if you want to have your wedding a a really cool Church.
Religious Movement: What you get when you mix holy water with milk of magnesia.
Rely: What you do when your teacher doesn’t believe that the dog ate your homework.
Remark: Something that can be caught and heard but never seen.
Remarriage: The triumph of hope over experience.
Remind: A brain transplant.
Remote: The only household appliance, besides the refrigerator, that your husband is capable of operating properly.
Remote Control: Male Interpretation: A device for changing from one TV channel to another; Female Interpretation: A device for scanning through all 175 channels in under five minutes.
Render: The animals that draw Santa’s carriage.
Rendezvous: A dated date.
Reno: 1. Large inland seaport in America with the tied running in and the untied running out; 2. Residence of the bitter half; 3. The land of the free and the grave of the home.
Reno Cocktail: Marriage on the rocks.
Reno-vated: Divorced in Nevada.
Renovation: The renewing of your finances by use of a slot machine.
Reoriented: Sent back to China.
Reorientation: Getting used to work again.
Repair: (Southern) See Fix.
Repaired: Your status after your second wedding.
Repartee: 1. An insult with its dress-suit on; 2. Knowing what to say after you’ve just missed your chance to say it; 3. What a person thinks of after he becomes a departee; 4. What you wish you had said; 5. Glib and take; 6. Something we think of twenty-four hours too late; 7. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend.
Repeal: A stripteaser’s encore.
Repeat: What you do until they expel you.
Repentance: To be sorry enough to quit.
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.
Repossessed: What you get if you don’t pay your exorcist.
Reptile: A tile you wouldn’t want to find in your bathroom.
Reputable Sales Representative: A man standing in the street - starving.
Reputation: 1. A bubble which man bursts when he tries to blow it for himself; 2. A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.
Research: 1. To procrastinate indefinitely; 2. Eliminating the ninety-nine wrong ways of doing or seeing it; 3. To look up what the last person on the project had found out.
Researcher: One who pulls habits out of rats.
Re-Shtetlement: Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.
Resident: Unable to leave.
Resolute: Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Resolution: Another way to describe the price tag on a monitor.
Resort: 1. A place where the tired grow more tired; 2. A place where they charge you enough to make up for the nine months you are not there; 3. A place where people go for sunshine and fresh air and then sit indoors and play bridge all day; 4. A town where the inhabitants live on your vacation money until the next summer.
Resourceful Woman: 1. One who teaches the children to swim while waiting for the plumber; 2. One who prepares pit bar-b-que for dinner while waiting for the Fire Department to arrive.
Respectability: The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.
Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, fate, fortune, luck or one’s neighbour. In the days of astrology, it was customary to unload it upon a star.
Restaurant: 1. An eating place that does not sell drugs; 2. An institution for the distribution of indigestion.
Restitution: An institution where you can go and get a good rest.
Restricted: A piece of inside news you get from a civilian.
Resume: See FICTION.
Retard: (Southern) To stop working: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
Retch: (Southern) To grasp for. Usage: “The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball.”
Reticence: Knowing what you’re talking about but keeping your mouth shut.
Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.
Retirement Fund: Money put aside in case your car gets a flat tire.
Retraction: The revision of an insult to give it wider circulation.
Retreat: 1. A strategic maneuver by the army that is being licked; 2. French for war.
Reunion: When you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you.
Revenge: 1. Biting a dog because the dog bit you; 2. The weak pleasure of a little and narrow mind.
Revenue Canada Motto: “It’s better to give than deceive!”
Reverend: Paul’s sore backside after spreading the word that the British were coming.
Reverse: Repeating poetry.
Reverse Osmosis: Osmosis stuck in the wrong gear.
Revolt: Recharge a battery.
Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
Revolutionary: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
Rhadomancer: One who uses a divining rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool.
Rhetoric: 1. Language in white tie, high hat, and tails; 2. Language in a dress suit.
Rhubarb: Bloodshot celery.
Rhumba: A fox trot with the backfield in motion.
Riches: A burden on those who have them and a greater burden on those who haven’t them.
Rich Man: One who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
Rich Relatives: The kin we love to touch.
Ridicule: The first and last argument of a fool.
Riding: The art of keeping a horse between yourself and the ground.
Righteous Indignation: Your own wrath, as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others.
Rigor Morris: The cat is dead.
Ringleader: The first person in the bathtub.
Ringtone Rage: The violent response by cube mates after hearing your annoying cell phone ringtone for the 20th time.
Ringworm: A worm with a bell.
Riot: 1. An emotional storm by a mob or a woman; 2. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders; 3. The language of the unheard.
Rises: How bread gets up in the morning.
Rising Generation: A generation which is fond of sitting.
Ritard: There’s one in every family.
Rite: A religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity squeezed out of it.
Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
Road Hog: A car driver who meets you more than half way.
Road Map: A book of etiquette showing motorists which fork to use.
Rock: The kind of music no matter what notes you play, wrong sounds the same.
Rock Concert: Where the young gather in astonishing numbers to follow a degenerate Pied Piper with amplifiers.
Rock Music: Sung in a rocking chair.
Rock ’N’ Roll: 1. Music for the neck downwards; 2. The South’s revenge for losing the Civil War.
Rocket: What you do to a baby to put it to sleep.
Rocket Scientist: A guy who sits in the front row of the Radio City Music Hall every night and tries to figure out how their legs all go up in the air at the same time.
Rod: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
ROM: Delicious when you mix it with Coca Cola.
Roman: 1. What you need to do to win the Regatta; 2. A person who can’t settle down.
Roman Umpire: An Italian referee.
Romance: 1. Italian ants; 2. The glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.
Room Service: The opposite of a drive through.
Rosh Hashanana: A rock ’n roll band from Brooklyn.
Rostrum: In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
Rote: Wot I dun in my eksersize buk.
Rotisserie: A Ferris wheel for food.
Rouge: That which makes a girl look nice when she doesn’t use any.
Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
Roulette: 1. A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor; 2. A turn for the bettor.
Rowboat: Small craft that is so named because its occupation by more than one angler immediately causes a row.
Royalty: 1. Served to Her Majesty with crumpets; 2. A Queen’s favourite drink.
RSVP: Refreshments Served Very Promptly.
Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your girlfriend.
Rug: 1. A bedspread for people who sleep on the floor; 2. Goes up and down stairs without moving.
Rugby: A game played by gentlemen with odd-shaped balls.
Rugged: The act of sitting on a mat.
Rum: Fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
Rumba: 1. Waving good-bye without using your hands; 2. A dance where the front of you goes along nice and smooth like a Cadillac, and the back of you makes like a jeep.
Rumble Seat: A breakfast nook on wheels.
Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.
Rumor: News that travels at the speed of sound.
Runner Beans: Food for athletes.
Running For Mayor: Shaking the hand of everyone in a room.
Rural Areas: Those backward places that use a substance called money rather than credit cards.
Rush Hour: 1. When traffic is at a standstill; 2. When you travel the shortest distance in the longest time.
Rustic: Blood sucking insect which oxidizes iron.
Rye: Grain for sowing wild oats.
S&M&M: Kinky sex with chocolate.
S&P (Standard & Poor): Your life in a nutshell.
Saar: (Southern) The opposite of sweet. Usage: “These pickles Sure are saar.”
Sabbath: A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning, “I quit, but you won’t know it for certain for a year.”
Sable: The skin girls love to touch.
Sacapupu: Japanese dirty diaper.
Sacrilege: Shelf for bottles of holy water.
Sadist: 1. A person who is kind to a masochist; 2. A person who gives a paralytic friend a self-winding wristwatch.
Safe Bet: The one you were going to make but didn’t.
Safety: A kind of tea that helps you feel brave.
Safety Belt: The one you don’t drink before driving home.
Sage: A wise old herb.
Sailor: 1. A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore; 2. A wolf in ship’s clothing.
Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.
Salad Dodger: An overweight person.
Salary: 1. An unearned income; 2. A stipend, part of which is withheld biweekly, the balance returnable on Tax Deadline day; 3. A thing you can’t bank on nowadays.
Sales Talk: Trade wind.
Salesman: 1. A fellow with a smile on his face, a shine on his shoes, and a lousy territory; 2. One who often needs the wind taken out of his sales.
Salesmanship: Transferring a conviction by a seller to a buyer.
Salesmen: People with both feet on the ground who take orders from people with both feet on the desk.
Sales Resistance: The triumph of mind over patter.
Saline: Where you go on your boyfriend’s boat.
Salisbury Steak: Hamburger at a higher price.
Salmon: A fish that lurks in a can and only comes out when unexpected company arrives.
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Salt: Something useful in a pinch.
Sand Bank: Where camels keep their money.
Sand Dollars: Money found at the beach.
Sandwich: An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.
Sanitation Worker: The title conferred on garbage men when they started earning more than public school teachers.
Sanktuary: A graveyard for ships.
Santa Claus: The rotund, red-suited gentleman who embodies all that is magical and good, and whose inevitable demise drives many of his young mourners into lifelong careers as cynics.
Santanism: The belief that when you die, your soul gets stuck in the chimney.
Sarcasm, Sarchasm: 1. Barbed ire; 2. Quip lash; 3. The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Sarong: 1. A bath towel that made good; 2. A simple garment carrying the implicit promise that it will not long stay in place; 3. Itsa not right!
Satan: The scarecrow in the religious cornfield.
Satire: A sort of mirror, wherein beholders generally discover everybody’s face but their own.
Satirist: An expert in mythical beasts.
Sauna Bath: 1. A slimming pool; 2. A safe way of getting into hot water.
Savages: People who don’t know what is wrong until missionaries show them.
Savoir Faire: The ability to keep talking until the other fellow picks up the cheque.
Savory: A piggy bank.
Saxophone: An ill wind that blows no good.
Scabbard: Non-Union poet.
Scales: Part of fish that weighs the most.
Scalp: Something that is hair today and gone tomorrow.
Scam Dunk: A ministry that charges $500 for a full immersion baptism.
Scandal: 1. Something that has to be bad to be good; 2. A breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags.
Scandalmonger: 1. A prattlesnake; 2. One who puts who and who together and gets whew!
Scar: Rolled tobacco leaf.
Scary Movie: Margin for terror.
Scatologist: A guy who lost a bet in Med School.
Scheduled Release Date: In the software industry this carefully calculated date is determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
Schmooze: To befriend scum.
Schmuck: What everyone thinks a television director is.
Scholarly Debate: Feud for thought.
Scholarship: A boat of bright students.
School: 1. Something to do between weekends; 2. A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $38.99 lures and hold out for SPAM instead.
School Of Hard Knocks: Where they train door-to-door salesmen.
Science: 1. An orderly arrangement of what, at the moment, seems to be the facts; 2. Science keeps discovering answers to unknown problems; 3. A wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.
Science Fiction: Fairy tales for nerds.
Scissors: A piece maker.
Score Pad: A bachelor’s apartment.
Scorecard: A piece of paper on which a player’s opening offer is written prior to the commencement of serious negotiations.
Scorekeeper: Someone who knows the score but keeps it to himself.
Scotch Broth: Clam chowder.
Scotland: Peculiar land that is the birthplace of golf and sport salmon fishing - a fact which may explain why it is also the birthplace of whiskey.
Scotland Yard: Three feet, the same as everywhere else.
Scotsman: 1. A man who, before sending his pajamas to the laundry, stuffs a sock in each pocket; 2. The only golfer who wouldn’t knock a golf ball out of sight; 3. A person whose thrift teaches him to take long steps to save shoe leather, but whose caution advises him to take short steps to avoid ripping his pants.
Scout: A fiend to all and a bother to every other scout.
Scrap Book: A book that tells you how to fight.
Screen Door: 1. Something the kids get a bang out of; 2. The wire mesh that keeps flies from getting out of the house.
Screwdriver: A driver that can’t drive.
Screwed: A guy who has so much metal in his body, you take him to the local auto wrecking yard and give him rides on the magnet.
Scrotum: A small planet near Uranus.
Sculptor: A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.
Sculpture: An art that takes away superfluous material.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
Seals: Animals you find on legal documents.
Seamstress: 1. Describes 250 pounds in a size 6; 2. Wearing an outfit that’s two sizes too small; 3. A material girl.
Séance: 1. Sitting down with a few choice spirits; 2. A meeting of a company’s Executive staff.
Seasaw: Saw used to cut driftwood.
Seasickness: 1. Traveling across the ocean by rail; 2. What a Doctor does all day.
Season: Male offspring of Poseidon.
Seasoned Troops: Soldiers that are mustered by the officers and peppered by the enemy.
Seat Belt: What you get if you stand too close to an irritated donkey.
Second Law of Production: If a project requires ’n’ components, there will be ’n-1’ units in stock.
Second Marriage: The triumph of hope over experience.
Second Place: The first loser.
Second Trimester: The time when you ask the question, “Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?”
Second Wind: What a public speaker acquires when he says, “And, in conclusion…”
Secondhand Store: Where one-armed men shop.
Secrecy: The beginning of tyranny.
Secret: 1. Something a woman tells everybody not to tell anybody; 2. Something a woman can keep with a telling effect; 3. Something that is hushed about from place to place; 4. Something you tell to one person at a time.
Secretary: 1. An office worker who is obliged to look like a girl, think like a man, and work like a horse; 2. One that is clock-eyes; 3. The only person who knows how, why, when and if.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Secrets: Things we give to others to keep for us.
Sedate: What you learn when you look at a calendar.
Seed: (Southern) Past tense of “to see”. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City... view?”
Seeking: Another name for Triton or Neptune.
Seizure: A Roman emperor.
Self-Confidence: The first requisite to great undertakings.
Self-Control: 1. When a woman checks out of a market with nothing more than she had on her shopping list; 2. The ability to carry a credit card and not abuse it.
Self-Delusion: Pulling in your stomach when you step on the scale.
Self-Esteem: An erroneous appraisement.
Self-Importance: a feeling that is momentarily removed by a walk through the cemetery.
Selfish: 1. What the owner of a seafood store does; 2. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Selfishness: 1. That detestable vice which no one will forgive in others and no one is without in himself; 2. A state of mine.
Self-made Man: A horrible example of unskilled labour.
Self-respect: The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
Self-restraint: Feeling your oats without sowing them.
Semantics: 1. Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood; 2. The art of telling a man you don’t know what he’s talking about when you know very well what he’s talking about but don’t like what he’s saying.
Semicolon: What’s left after a Doctor removes part of a patient’s colon.
Semiconductor: A part-time bandleader.
Senate: A place where shirts are stuffed.
Senile: 1. What a man is when he watches the food instead of the waitress; 2. What you do when you visit Egypt.
Senility: 1. The pleasantly rueful experience of forgetting what we’ve forgotten; 2. A cleansing of the mental blackboard shortly before class is dismissed.
Senior Executive: Anyone with an office on the carpeted corridor.
Senor Willy: A Spanish streaker.
Sensafunativity: That personality trait which enables optimistic persons to see the humour of any given situation.
Sense Of Humour: Being able to laugh at your friends’ misfortunes.
Sentimentalist: One who values everything and knows the price of nothing.
Serenade: Swan song.
Serendipity: Looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer’s daughter.
Serial Interface: A spoon.
Serial Number: The number you get with milk in the morning.
Sermon: A moralogue.
Serology: Study of English knighthood.
Server Farm: Where the computers come from.
Sewage Canal: Something that connects the Mediterranean and the Red Sea.
Sewing Circle: 1. Where friendship hangs by a thread; 2. A group of women who needle each other.
Sex: 1. What couples do in bed before marriage.; 2. The formula by which one and one makes three; 3. Something that children never discuss in the presence of their elders.
Sex Drive: Trying to find a motel that has a vacancy.
Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.
Sexcedrin: More effective than Excedrin in treating the “Not now, Dear, I have a headache” syndrome.
Sexual Revolution: Copulation explosion.
Sexuality: One’s bedroom demeanor worn outside the bedroom, like a badge or a hairdo to be admired by curious onlookers.
Shady Character: A fellow who snoozes in a hammock under a tree while his wife mows the lawn.
Shaft: You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
Shakespeare: 1. A dramatist of note who lived by writing things for other people to quote; 2. A man whose writings are so excellent it’s believed someone else must have written them.
Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
Shamble: Imitation male cow.
Shampoo: The plastic mounds of dog feces that you can buy in novelty stores.
Shamrock: 1. A fake Irish stone; 2. Imitation mineral.
Shape: What a bathing suit takes when a girl’s in it.
Shaving: 1. What a man does to distinguish himself from the monkey; 2. A man’s best excuse for admiring himself in the mirror.
She: The object of he.
Shebang: A girl who can’t say no.
Sheep: 1. Animals who make baaaad joe-ks; 2. Mutton covered with wool.
Sheepish: A person who has the wool pulled over their eyes.
Sheeple: People who have to go out and buy the latest gadget (usually one whose name starts with an “i”) just because they believe that everyone else is getting one, and they can’t bear the thought of being left out.
Shepherd: A person all kids flock to.
Sherbet: 1. A horse that can’t lose; 2. A tip on a horse race or sporting event.
Shift Expanders: Tasks delegated by a supervisor during the final hour of a work shift, which take three hours to complete.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shipboard: Where four bells means three cocktails.
Shooting Script: A letter from a blonde that your wife finds in your pocket.
Shooting Star: A famous actor who uses his gun too often.
Shoplifter: A person with a gift of grab.
Shoplifting: Free enterprise.
Shopper: Someone who likes to go buy-buy.
Short Speech: Thank you. (see also Long Speech)
Short Vacation: Half a loaf.
Shotgun: A worn-out firing piece.
Shotgun Wedding: A case of wife or death.
Shoulder Pads: The part of a football player’s uniform designed to make him look as fearsome as a female executive.
Shoulder Strap: A device for keeping an attraction from becoming a sensation.
Shouting: Raising the level of the voice instead of the intelligence.
Shovelay: (Southern) A GM car. Usage: “Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson.”
Shovel-ready: A construction project that already has received its approvals and permits from various governmental agencies and is ready for development.
Showoff: 1. A child who is more talented than yours; 2. The performance has been cancelled.
Shrink Rap: Modern genre song sung by an old psychiatrist.
Shroom: 1. A hallucinogenic mushroom; 2. To take hallucinogenic mushrooms for recreational drug use.
Shyster: The other fellow’s lawyer.
Siamese Twin: Someone with a strong family Thai.
Siamese Twins: First person plural.
Sibling: A baby sib.
Sickness: Three stages: Ill, Pill, and Bill.
Side Effects: Symptoms of a cure that induce nostalgia for the original disease.
Sidesaddle: How men, rather than women, would ride in a truly logical world.
Siesta: Droop therapy.
Sign: An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport (i.e., gate numbers, restrooms, baggage claim).
Silence: 1. No sooner spoken than broken; 2. The only successful substitute for brains; 3. Unbearable repartee; 4. The only thing that can’t be misquoted; 5. Having nothing to say and saying it; 6. Conversation with an Englishman; 7. One of the hardest things to refute; 8. True wisdom’s best reply.
Silicon: Good for memory, bad for mammary.
Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.
Silence: What gets broken when you say its name.
Silent: How you should remain when your boss says, “Now correct me if I’m wrong…”
Silent Disco: A disco in which all the participants wear wireless headphones to hear the music, thus eliminating noise pollution.
Silent Film: One where no one in the audience bought popcorn.
Siliwood: The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers.
Silk Worm: A gay invertibrate.
Sin: What every girl should “no”
Sinbad: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
Sinecure: The surest cure for a cynic.
Sinker: 1. An angler who steps off a dock with a 10-horse outboard motor in his arms; 2. Lead weight attached to the end of a length of fishing line to facilitate the speedy disposal of unwanted lures.
Sinner: A man who makes no pretensions to being good on one day out of seven.
Sinner: (Southern) Exact middle of. Usage: “Have you been to the new shoppin’ sinner.”
Sir Cumference: The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table.
Siren: What a woman looks like before marriage and sounds like after.
Sirens: Ladies in the middle of the ocean. Nobody could come near them, they made so much noise.
Sitcom: 1. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage; 2. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Skeleton: 1. A person with the inside out and the outside off; 2. A joint concern; 3. A bunch of bones with the person scraped off; 4. A stripteaser who overdid it.
Skeleton Key: Key that opens a casket.
Skeptic: One who won’t take know for an answer.
Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill.
Ski Jump: A soar spot.
Skier: 1. A guy who jumps to contusions; 2. A person who pays an arm and a leg for the privilege of breaking them.
Skiing: 1. Whoosh! Then walk a mile; 2. A winter sport learned in the fall; 3. A fall sport.
Skip: What a prisoner will do if you give him enough rope.
Skunk: 1. A streamlined cat with a 2-tone finish and a fluid drive; 2. A community scenter.
Skydiver: 1. A four-engine plane with three dead engines; 2. A guy whose talks fall flat.
Slabs of Meet: A cluster of big, wannabe athletes that gather around giant plasma TVs to watch sporting events.
Slacker: 1. Huh?; 2. Someone who couldn’t do less work if he was in a coma; 3. A woman who wears slacks.
Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.
Slang: 1. Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work; 2. The speech of him who robs the literary garbage cans on their way to the dump; 3. Sport-model language stripped down to get more speed with less horsepower; 4. The one stream of poetry which is continually flowing outward.
Slavery: The enlistment of labour on a sustenance basis - now forbidden except in the restricted form of marriage.
Sleep: An excellent way of listening to an opera.
Sleeping Bag: A nap sack.
Sleet: A slipcover.
Slideware: Imaginary things contained in a glossy presentation.
Slipcover: Maternity dress.
Slippers: Shoes made out of bananas.
Sliver Dollar: Use of wooden money.
Slogan: 1. A good old American substitute for the facts; 2. Modern commercial replacement for quality; 3. A politician’s banner, often changed, but always held high above the voters’ brains; 4. A revolver that shoots lazy bullets.
Slot Machine: Something that makes money without working.
Slow Poke: The kind of punch a tired boxer throws. (see also Slowpoke)
Slow Travel: 1. Travel conducted at a slow pace to enjoy more fully the places visited and the people met; 2. Such travel seen as environmentally friendly through its lack of reliance on air transport.
Slowpoke: The punch of a tired boxer. (see also Slow Poke)
Slummy Mummy: A mother of young children who has abandoned all care for her personal appearance.
Small Medium At Large: The short fortune teller who escaped from prison.
Small Town: 1. A place where everybody knows the troubles you’ve seen; 2. A place where everybody knows whose cheque is good; 3. Where everybody is interested in what the Joneses will name the latest baby, while a big city is where they worry about what the zoo will call the new elephant; 4. A place where nothing happens every minute; 5. A place where a person with a private phone is considered anti-social; 6. Where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and all buy the weekly newspaper to see how much the editor dares to print.
Smart Ass: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
Smart Bride: One who quits playing ball after she makes a good catch.
Smart Girl: 1. One who can get her way without half crying; 2. One who can tell the difference between being bitten by a love bug and a louse; 3. One who knows how to play tennis, piano and dubm.
Smart Man: 1. One who hasn’t let a woman pin anything on him since he was a baby; 2. A guy who says what he thinks, provided he agrees with us.
Smile: 1. A curve that can set a lot of things straight; 2. To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human; 3. Something that adds to your face value.
Smith & Wesson: The first point-and-click interface.
Smog: the air apparent.
Smoke: Fills a whole house yet weighs less than a tiny mouse.
Smokers: People who claim the more they fume, the less they fret.
Smuggler: One who neglects his duty to his country.
Snack: The pause that refleshes.
Snap-On Gasket Scrapper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
Sneeze: Much achoo about nothing.
Sniff: A social custom to use when yo greet other dogs until your Mom or Dad makes you stop.
Snipocrite: A person who silently scrutinizes the hairdressers’ hair before deciding whether or not to turn their own head over to this person.
Snishwools: French bread.
Snob: 1. One who, in climbing the ladder of success, kisses the feet of the one ahead of him and kicks the head of the one following him; 2. One who talks as though he had begotten his own ancestors; 3. A fellow who invents ancestors who would have been ashamed of him if they had been real.
Snobbery: The belief among the upper class that all members of the lower class are louts: the corresponding belief among the lower class that all members of the upper class are twits.
Snooze Button: A poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
Snoring: 1. Sheet music; 2. Sound sleeping.
Snost: Past tense of snooze (“you snooze, you loose”... “You Snost, you lost!”). An implication that it is too late to change anything. Short form: “Snost!”.
Snout: A prisoners’ name for cigarettes.
Snoutcasts: People who are banished from their workplace because of their smoking habit and huddle around outside doorways.
Snow Job: Something a man uses to defrost a woman.
Snowbird: A Canadian who gets acquainted with his neighbour by meeting him down in Florida.
Snuff Maker: A man who sticks his business in other people’s noses.
Soap: A device used to repel little boys from bath tubs, and which should never be dropped in a prison shower.
Sober: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Soccer: A European warm-up exercise for rioting.
Social Diseases: Germs of endearment.
Social Success: The infinite capacity for being bored.
Social Tact: The ability to make your guests feel at home where you wish they were.
Socialism: Survival of the unfit.
Society: 1. That which some folks are born in, others are taken in, but most folks pay to get in; 2. Where every woman wants to enlarge her sphere but not her circumference.
Society Playboy: A cashanova.
Sociology: Journalism without news.
Socks: Gloves for your feet.
Soft Benefits: Non-monetary enhancements.
Soft Soap: A sort of make-up cream.
Software: 1. Where the people in your company’s hardware section will tell you the problem is; 2. Them plastic eatin’ utensils.
Solemnity: A trick of the body to hide the faults of the mind.
Solitude: The state of being closer to nature than to the nearest flush toilet.
Solomon: Jamaican bachelor.
Son: The result of getting what you thought you wanted.
Son Of A Gun: The offshoot of a shotgun wedding.
Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
Song: The licensed medium for bawling in public things too silly or sacred to be uttered in ordinary speech.
Song Writer: Someone who was calm and composed.
Sonogram: A telegram from your son.
Soot Case: Where a chimney sweep keeps his brushes.
Sophistication: 1. Knowing enough to keep your feet out of the crack of the theatre seat in front of you; 2. The art of getting drunk with the right people.
Sophistry: A group of sophomores.
Soprano: A woman with smooth sailing on the high C’s.
Sorority: A group of girls living in one house, with a single purpose… to get more girls to live in one house, with a single purpose…
Sorrow: The future tense of love.
S.O.S.: A musical term meaning: ’Same Only Softer’.
Sotto Voce: On a drunken voice.
Sound Sleeper: Someone who snores.
Sour Cream: A product that comes from discontented cows.
Sour Kraut: Unhappy with the fare in the Berlin restaurant.
Sourdough: Cross between a pickle and a dollar bill.
Sourpuss: Result of science experiment involving a cat and a lemon.
Southern Gentleman: 1. A guy who hasn’t made love to his wife for five years and will shoot any other guy who tries to; 2. A guy who gets out of the bath to pee in the sink.
Southpaw: A dog who is left-handed.
Soviet: What Russians say when they finish dinner.
Spam Account: A secondary e-mail account, usually a free one from Hotmail or Yahoo, that you give out to potential spammers. When your spam account gets overwhelmed, you just dump it and get another free account.
Spamnesia: Failing to reply to e-mails from friends, because your computer thinks they’re spam.
Spamshi: Spam eaten right out of the can.
Spanking: 1. A process which takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of memory; 2. To impress upon the mind from the bottom up; 3. Punishment that takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of memory; 4. Stern punishment.
Spare Tire: The one you check after you have a flat.
Spearmint: A mint that is deadly if thrown.
Specialist: 1. A Doctor whose patients are expected to confine their ailments to office hours; 2. A Doctor with a smaller practice, but a much larger yacht; 3. A man who knows more and more about less and less.
Specimen: An Italo-American astronaut.
Speculator: A man who observes the future and acts before it occurs.
Speed Limit: The velocity one must exceed by approximately 10 MPH on a major highway or risk being run off the road.
Spellbinding: The cover of a dictionary.
Spendthrift: 1. One who grows poor by seeming rich; 2. One who turns his heirs gray; 3. One who considers living within your income a fate worse than debt.
Spice: 1. More than one spouse; 2. The plural of spouse.
Spilt Milk: Udder waste.
Spine: 1. Country next to France; 2. A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.
Spinster: 1. A lady in waiting; 2. An unlusted number; 3. A lady frequently guilty of contempt of courting; 4. A girl who’s been kissed good-bye more often than good night; 5. Nature’s frozen asset; 6. A woman who spends her life in solitary refinement; 7. A woman who knows all the answers but has never been asked the question.
Splog: A website created for the purpose of promoting affiliated websites or to increase the search engine ranking of the affiliated sites.
Spoiled Milk: What you get from a pampered cow.
Spoiled Rotten: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
Spoils Of War: Army food.
Spokesman: A guy that likes to sleep with bicycles.
Spoonerisms: A manual for feeding toddlers.
Sport: 1. War without killing; 2. The non-lethal alternative to war which, in most cases, involves kicking a ball, putting a ball into a goal, or possessing a ball. And, when fouled, holding your balls.
Sportscaster: A drooler who didn’t make it.
Spouse: Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
Spreadsheet: What you do on the table when you have guests for dinner.
Spring: 1. The season of balls: golf, tennis, base, and moth; 2. The time of the year when farmers and golfers start their spring plowing; 3. The time of year when motorists drain the anti-freeze from their radiators two weeks two soon; 4. When a young man’s fancy lightly turns to what the girl has been thinking about all winter; 5. When boys begin to feel gallant and girls begin to feel buoyant.
Spring Break: When kids work on their tans and teachers work on their sanity.
Sprouts: Innocent green plants snatched in their infancy and devoured alive by ravenous vegetarians.
Squandry: How to spend a sudden windfall very quickly.
Square: A circle that’s trying to go straight.
Square Meal: A TV dinner.
Square Root: 1. Diced carrot; 2. Diced turnip.
Squarsh: (Southern) A vegetable; To flatten. Usage: “Warsh that squarsh, Bubba... you don’t know where its been!”
Squeakers: Shoes that mice wear.
Squez: Past tense of squeeze.
St. Momma’s Wort: Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
Stabilized: A horse that’s been locked in.
Stable: A command given to make a male cow remain in one place.
Staccato: How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
Stage Coach: Director of a play.
Stagger: The shortest distance between two pints.
Stagnation: 1. A country without women; 2. A country of male deer.
Stalemate: 1. A husband with one joe-k; 2. Old spouse; 3. A spouse whose favourite breakfast is chipped beef on his Zwieback.
Stalking: When two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Stampede: A mad rush to the post office.
Star: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
Stars and Stripes: The decoration of independence.
State-Of-The-Art: 1. Soon-to-be-obsolete; 2. Any computer you can’t afford.
Statesman: 1. An ex-politician who has mastered the art of holding his tongue; 2. A politician who is held upright by equal pressure from all directions; 3. A politician away from home; 4. Someone who can be disarming, even though his country isn’t; 5. A dead politician.
Statesmanship: The art of changing a nation from what it is to what it ought to be.
Static: Nature’s way of protecting us from certain radio programs.
Static Electricity: The fastest thing in the universe going nowhere.
Statistician: 1. A man who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion; 2. A person who believes that if you put your head in a furnace and your feet in a bucket of iced water, on the average you should feel reasonably comfortable; 3. A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either; 4. One who knows which numbers to use in any eventuality.
Statistics: 1. Mendacious truths; 2. The mathematical theory of ignorance; 3. The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
Statue: Inquiry as to whether it is yourself.
Status Quo: Latin for “the mess we’re in.”
Steam: 1. Water gone crazy with the heat; 2. Hot water that’s blowing its top.
Steel Wool: 1. The shearing from a hydraulic ram; 2. A robbery at a sheep farm.
Steering Committee: Four people trying to park a car.
Stenographer: A girl you pay to learn to spell while she’s looking for a husband.
Sterile Solution: 1. Vasectomy; 2. Not using the elevator during a fire.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Steroids: Things for keeping carpets on stairs.
Stiff Drink: What you get when you mix Viagra with your whiskey.
Still Fishing: Fishing technique usually characterized by a long stretch of time spent by the angler lying quietly, followed by a shorter period during which he lies noisily.
Stirrup: What you do with the cookie batter.
Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $34.65 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $7.50.
Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with the nation’s economy, the object being to amass as much unearned income as possible before one’s fellow gamblers withdraw from the game and precipitate a nationwide depression.
Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
Stockbroker: A man who can take a bankroll and run it into a shoestring.
Stoic: De boid what brings de babies.
Stomach: 1. The home of the swallow; 2. A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.
Stooge: A guy who lives by the wrong side of the cracks.
Stoplight: A place where the cautious and the reckless meet.
Stopper: To prevent a girl or woman from doing what she wants.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
Stork: A bird with many things charged against it which should have been blamed on the lark.
Stork Market: Maternity ward.
Straight Line: Shortest distance between two joe-ks.
Straphanger: An upstanding citizen.
Strapless Gown: 1. When a woman won’t shoulder the responsibility; 2. A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity.
Strategy: 1. Darn poor judgment that happens to work out all right; 2. A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
Streaker: Someone who is unsuited for work.
Street: A broad, flat surface used for the storage of ’No Parking’ signs.
Street Gang: A territorial pack of young urban wolves whose members provide a valuable public service by eliminating their rivals on a regular basis.
Stress: When you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Stress Puppy: 1. A person who thrives on being stressed-out; 2. Whiny Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs.
Strike: An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
String Beans: Vegetable that ties your stomach in knots.
String Saver: A have-knot.
Strip Poker: A game in which the more you lose the more you have to show for it.
Strip Teaser: 1. One who makes a bare living; 2. A girl who looks well in anything she takes off.
Striptease: Exposure with composure.
Stroke: Any forward movement of the club that is made with the intention of hitting and moving the ball and is observed by another golfer.
Stucco: What a lot of house hunters are getting these days.
Stuff: What people do on Thanksgiving: First to the turkey, and then to themselves.
Stupendous: Advanced stupidity.
Stylish: The latest, slightly re-coloured piece of crap we want you to buy. Next week, it will no longer be stylish.
Sub-Scribe: Keeper of the log for the USS Nautilus.
Subdued: 1. A guy that works on submarines; 2. Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, under water boats, man!; 3. When the replacement teacher is charged a membership fee.
Submit: Cold-weather hand gear on an underwater ship.
Subordinate Clause(s): 1. The gentleman who fills in as Santa while the regular is at lunch; 2. Santa’s helpers.
Subsidy: 1. One town underneath another town; 2. A formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.
Substitute: The right article made of the wrong material.
Subtlety: The art of saying what you think and getting out of range before it is understood.
Subtract: A book about submarines.
Suburb: A place where, by the time you’ve finished paying for your home there, the suburbs have moved 20 miles out.
Suburbanite: A man who hires someone to mow his lawn so he can play golf for exercise.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Suburbs: A kind of healthy grave.
Subwoofer: A dog who scuba dives.
Success: 1. Failure with a fresh coat of paint; 2. Getting what you want (Happiness: wanting what you get); 3. Making more money to meet obligations you wouldn’t have if you didn’t make so much money; 4. Self-expression at a profit; 5. The ability to hitch your wagon to a star while keeping your feet on the ground; 6. The art of making your mistakes when nobody is looking; 7. The one unpardonable sin committed against one’s fellows; 8. The degree to which other people envy you; 9. The realization of the estimate which you place upon yourself; 10. The good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration, and inspiration; 11. Hanging on after others have let go; 12. If you want to succeed, double your failure rate.
Successful Gossip Columnist: Top man on the quote ‘em pole.
Successful Man: 1. A man who so lives that when he dies even the undertaker is sorry; 2. One who earns more than his wife can spend; 3. One who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.
Successful Marriage: Where the wife is the boss and doesn’t know it.
Successful Wife’s Motto: “If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.”
Successful Woman: One who finds such a man.
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
Sudden Death: The situation that exists when a match is tied at the end of 18 holes and the player who feels the least amount of confidence about beating the opposition in extra-holes play suddenly remembers the death, earlier in the day, of a beloved aunt.
Sudden Jerk: Recent purchase of a beach buggy.
Suffering: A wedding band.
Sugar: (Southern) A kiss. Usage: “Come here and give me some sugar.”
Sugar Daddy: A form of crystallized sap.
Suicide: 1. A crime that is punishable if attempted, but not punishable if committed; 2. The sincerest form of self-criticism.
Suicide Blonde: One who dyed by her own hand.
Summer: 1. The season when children slam the doors they left open all winter; 2. The time of year when the highway authorities close the regular roads and open up the detours; 3. When the four-colour pictures in the seed catalog turn into four-hour backaches in the garden; 4. That time of year when you feel so lazy, you can’t get out of your own way; 5. The season when the air pollution is much warmer.
Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.
Summer School: A viable alternative to a summer job.
Summer Teeth: Bubba has Summer Teeth - summer here and summer there.
Summertime: The season where there’s nothing much on TV OR on the girls at the beach.
Summit: What you do to a column of numbers with a calculator.
Sumo Wrestling: Survival of the fattest.
Sumo Wrestling Match: The greatest show on girth.
Sunbather: A fry in the ointment.
Sunbeams: Support for a solar house.
Sunburn: 1. Getting what you basked for; 2. The red menace.
Sunday Drive: Creeping up with the Joneses.
Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
Suntan: A pigment of your imagination.
SUP: Standard Unit of Pain.
Super Salesman: One who can sell a double-breasted suit to a man with a Phi Beta Kappa key.
Superiority: The feeling you get when riding on an express train and pass a local.
Supermarket: Grocery store with special powers and a clever disguise that fights for truth, justice, and the American way.
Supernatural: How monsters behave when they are relaxed and just themselves.
Superstar: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
Superstition: 1. The error of putting faith in the wrong things; 2. The religion of feeble minds.
Supervision: What Clark Kent and Ted Williams had in common.
Supine: What the lawyer did after he ran into the tree.
Support Hose: Second alarm at a big fire.
Surfing: 1. An imported California water sport that apparently turns the hair blond and reduces the vocabulary of its adherents to approximately twenty words, half of which are dude; 2. A tide ride.
Surge Space: The extra space required to temporarily house people, desks, inventory... while you renovate or expand your office.
Surgeon: The person who was a cut-up at medical school.
Surprise: Opening your laundry to see what you get.
Sushi Vendor: A sell-fish guy.
Suspended Sentence: One where the prisoner is hanged.
Suspenders: 1. Over-the-shoulder straps used to keep the pants of preschoolers from falling down; 2. A fashion statement widely imitated by fast-track corporate climbers.
Suspicion: The emotion that creates what it suspects.
Swamp-Donkey: A deeply unattractive person.
Swearing Apparel: A stuck zipper.
Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.
Swell Head: Nature’s frantic effort to fill a vacuum.
Swimming Pool: A crowd of people with water in it.
Swipeout, Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Swish: A guy with delusions of gender.
Sycophant: One who approaches greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked.
Sympathizer: A fellow that’s for you as long as it doesn’t cost anything.
Sympathy: 1. What one woman offers another in exchange for details; 2. What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want to lend him money.
Syncopation: A lively movement from bar to bar.
Synergy: The effort required to break a Commandment.
Synergies: What companies look for when they merge. A synergy is a position where one person is required in the newly merged company, but since the merger, two people occupy the position. The result of synergies are layoffs.
Synonym: 1. A word you use when you can’t spell the other word; 2. A name used when checking into a sleezy motel; 3. A linguist’s favourite spice.
Syntax: 1. Money collected at Church from sinners; 2. What you pay in Las Vegas; 3. A tariff on immorality.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
T: 1. Letter that is a drink; 2. The difference between here and there.
TA: A small-minded, evil person who randomly decides your fate in college, usually a student with a degree in sadism and too much time on their hands.
T-Shirt: A portable personal billboard.
Table: A place with an underside for storing gum.
Tablet: A small table.
Tabloid: 1. A newspaper with a permanent crime wave; 2. A screamlined newspaper.
Tabloids: Fast reading for the slow-thinking.
Taboo: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp.
Tachycardia: Putting your birthday cards on the bulletin board.
Taciturn: A very quiet vase.
Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Tacks Break: What to give carpet installers to make them more productive.
Tact: 1. The ability to arrive at conclusions without expressing them; 2. The ability to change a porcupine into a possum; 3. The ability to describe others as they see themselves; 4. The ability to give a person a shot in the arm without letting him feel the needle; 5. The ability to hammer home a point without hitting the other fellow on the head; 6. The ability to make your guests feel at home when you wish they were; 7. The ability to put your best foot forward without stepping on anybody’s toes; 8. The ability to shut your mouth before someone else does; 9. The art of knowing how far one may go too far; 10. The knack of making a point without making an enemy; 11. The unsaid part of what you think; 12. To lie about others as you would have them lie about you; 13. Thinking all you say without saying all you think; 14. Getting your point across without stabbing someone with it; 15. Social lying; 16. What you don’t say when you’re angry; 17. Changing the subject without changing your mind; 18. The ability to describe others as they see themselves; 19. That rare ability to remain silent while your two best friends are arguing and you know they’re both wrong.
Tail: Something attached behind the behind.
Tailor: 1. A person who does sew-sew work; 2. An occupation that suits everyone.
Tailor Shop: Last of the big-time menders.
Tainted Money: Tain’t yours and tain’t mine.
Take Home Pay: 1. An amount of money which is called that because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it; 2. A 19th century custom, now outmoded by tax laws.
Takes: A stroke count of how many times it takes the television director to get something right.
Talk: 1. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose; 2. The greatest of all Jewish sports.
Tangent: A man who spends a lot of time at the beach.
Tangerine: A loose-leaf orange.
Tanorexia: An obsessive desire to have tanned skin, placing the sufferer at risk of skin cancer.
Tantamount: Riding a French Aunt.
Tap Dancer: A ballerina who works in a pub.
Tar: (Southern) A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
Tar Arns: (Southern) A tool employed in changing wheels. Usage: “You cain’t change a tar without a tar arn.”
Target Line: An imaginary line from a player’s lie to the target which the ball would follow if an imaginary golfer hit it.
Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
Tarnished Lady: One that is not bright.
Tarred: (Southern) Exhausted; fatigued. Usage: (1) “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”; (2) “Ah’m too tarred to go bowlin’ tonight.”
Tart Fuel: 1. Wine coolers and ’pissy pop’ (alcopops), viewed by men as deceptively alcoholic drinks that will lower a woman’s resistance to sexual advances; 2. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
Taste: Female Interpretation: Something you do frequently to whatever you’re cooking, to make sure it’s good; Male Interpretation: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Taste Buds: Friends of tongues.
Tasteful Words: Always use tasteful words - you never know when you’ll have to eat them.
Tattletale: Someone with a good sense of rumor.
Tattoo: 1. Undulating graffiti; 2. Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Taut: A rope that’s like a student.
Tautology: The study of nervous tension.
Tavern: 1. Thirst come, thirst served; 2. A place where madness is sold by the bottle.
Tax: 1. A fine for doing well (see Fine); 2. The outgo of the income.
Tax Reform: Taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.
Taxation: The process by which money is collected from the people to pay the salaries of the men who do the collecting. The surplus is used to pay the salaries of the men the people elect to decide how much shall be collected from them.
Taxes: 1. What the middle class pays the Government; 2. A funding method which allows people to test their powers of deduction.
Taxi Driver: Worker who earns a living by driving customers away.
Taxidermist: 1. A man who mounts animals; 2. A man who knows his stuff; 3. Someone who buffs, waxes, and paints the exteriors of cabs.
Taxpayer: 1. Incomepooped; 2. A person who resents that death and taxes don’t come in that order; 3. A person who has the government on his payroll; 4. One who doesn’t have to pass a civil service exam to work for the government.
Teacher: 1. A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since; 2. A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Teachers: United Mind Workers.
Team: 1. A word missing an ’i’; 2. A mutual protection society formed to guarantee that no one person can be held to blame for a botched committee job that one man could have performed satisfactorily.
Teamwork: 1. Never having to take all the blame; 2. Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
Tears: 1. Remorse code; 2. A good-bye product; 3. The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Tease: A girl who is always thinking of a man’s happiness, and how to prevent it.
Technical Support: A geographic area of the software company. It is located in the basement and is populated by trolls who are masters of Doom. The favorite game in Technical Support is “Penalty Hold.”
Technological Singularity: The moment when the rate of technological development becomes infinite (often linked with the creation of artificial intelligence robots), and outstrips the ability of human beings to keep pace with it.
Techspian: A poser who is a techie just so he/she can be an actor.
Teddy Bear: When Theodore has no clothes on.
Tee Caddy: First golf assistant.
Tee-See (T.C.): Of or pertaining to the Twentieth Century, hence: behind the times, pre-post-postmodern, overly impressed by technology, generally uncool.
Teenagers: 1. People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike; 2. People who get hungry again before the dishes are even washed; 3. Those old enough to know everything; 4. God’s punishment for having sex.
Teenage Talk: Idol gossip.
Tees: Putting on that Victoria Secret negligee.
Teetotaler: A golfer who only keeps track of drives.
Telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
Telegant: Looking good on TV.
Telegram: A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and delivered by a boy in sleep.
Telemarketer: A minimum waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to sell them something that they probably don’t need, and gets hung up on because the person being called usually has a mouth full of food.
Telepathy: Being too lazy to give your friends a call.
Telephone: 1. A device which personal conversation can be interrupted from great distances; 2. A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet; 3. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Telephone Number Salary: A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Television: 1. A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and dad can get out to the movies; 2. Radio with eyestrain; 3. Vidiot’s delight; 4. Where the law of the jingle prevails; 5. The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room; 6. A watching machine; 7. A device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything; 8. Where all little movies go when they’re bad; 9. A device that enables you to see static as well as hear it; 10. Chewing gum for the eyes.
Television Audio: Never mind. Nobody cares about this.
Television Director: Somebody who can count backwards with authority and who owns a stopwatch.
Television Engineer: Not much is really known about these, since there are so few in captivity. They work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, and are not home on weekends. They also become invisible when called.
Television Producer: Someone who owns a digital stopwatch.
Television Programming: Material that fills the time between commercials.
Television Schedule: A system designed to maximize your enjoyment of Big Time Television by having you spend most of your waking hours there.
Temper Tantrum: 1. Call of the riled; 2. What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Temperament: 1. Temper that is too old to spank; 2. A pretty woman’s nasty temper.
Temperamental: 1. Easy glum, easy glow; 2, ninety percent temper, ten percent mental; 3. More temper than mental.
Temperate Zone: The region where no one drinks too much.
Tempo: Good choice for a used car.
Temptation: 1. An irresistible force at work on a movable body; 2. Something which, when resisted, gives happiness and which, when yielded to, gives even greater happiness.
Ten: The number of disciples Jesus would have had if God really wanted us to use the metric system.
Ten Ants: The number of insects required to make a landlord.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
Ten Tickles: How to make an octopus laugh.
Tennessee Williams: A writer whose plays inspire you to lie down and die.
Tennis Pro: A network executive.
Tennis Umpire: Net prophet.
Tent: Cumbersome device composed of fabric and tubing used by fishermen camping in the woods to collect specimens of local insects.
Tension: 1. The price you pay for being a race horse instead of a plow horse; 2. What the sergeant shouts to his soldiers.
Tenure: The number following nineure.
Term Paper: An opportunity for today’s collegians to pickup potentially useful business techniques (i.e. subcontracting a job to qualified professionals and putting one’s name to the ideas of others).
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at train depots, bus stations, and airports.
Terrestrialization: Contamination of a meteorite.
Test: 1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range; 2. A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.
Testicle: 1. A humorous question on an exam; 2. What is done to determine your itch sensitivity.
Testiculating: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
Testimoney: Fees paid to expert witnesses.
Testosterone: Hormone which causes facial hair, muscularity, a deep voice, speeding tickets, the desire to watch professional wrestling and Arnold Shwarzenegger movies, war, fist fights, and the need to purchase cocktails for women with names like Boom Boom.
Texas Prison: House of kill repute.
Thanks: 1. A down payment on the next favour; 2. Often returned but never borrowed.
Thanksgiving: A holiday that always falls on Thursday because the Pilgrims came here in search of a four-day weekend.
Thaw: How your thumb feelth if you thtick a pin in it.
The Largest Source of Internet Humour! joe-ks.com
Theater: House of thrill repute.
Thence: When you want to say something took place longer ago than “then.”
Theology: A tool to make angels out of fools.
Theorist: The part of your body that connects your hand to your arm.
Theory: 1. A hunch with a college education; 2. An educated hunch; 3. An impractical plan for doing the impossible; 4. A wise guy’s hunch.
Thesaurus: 1. A dinosaur with a big vocabulary; 2. A dinosaur that eats its words.
Thief: A man with a gift for finding things before you lose them.
Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretation: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
Thinking: 1. What a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices; 2. The hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.
Thinnest Book in the World: “What Men Know About Women”
Third Trimester: The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, “How much longer can I keep from waddling?”
Thirsty: How your child feels after you have said your final good night.
Thirteen O’Clock: Time to have your clock fixed.
Thirty: A nice age for a woman especially if she if fourty.
Thor: Skiers’ lingo for the Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Thorax: Norse God’s weapon.
Thoroughbred: 1. A carefully prepared loaf; 2. High-class baked goods.
Thought She’d Dye: What an actress thought when she saw her first strands of gray hair.
Thoughtful Wife: One who has the steaks on when her husband returns from his fishing trip.
Three! What many golfers, through habit, cry instead of Fore!
Three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Three-Legged Race: Popular event at the Monster Olympic Games.
Thrift: 1. Common sense applied to spending; 2. A wonderful virtue - especially in an ancestor.
Thud: That magic sound that means your brilliant evil plan to conquer the world wasn’t so brilliant after all.
Thumb: 1. The thick finger on the hand of a woman that usually has a man under it; 2. Fingerlike appendages of limited mobility found at the ends of the hands. Most anglers and fly-tyers have ten of them.Thunder: A rich source of loudness.
Thunderstorm: A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
Thursday: 1. What you get when crossing the desert; 2. How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day.
Tibia: Country in North Africa.
Ticket Scalper: A man who enables you to see one football game for the price of five.
Tiger: An animal that has stripes so he won’t be spotted.
Tightwad: One who has an impediment in his reach.
Tijuana: Sister city of Marijuana.
Time: 1. The arbitrary division of eternity; 2. What keeps things from happening all at once; 3. The only money that cannot be counterfeited (as in: “Time is money”); 4. The stuff between paydays; 5. All you really have.
Time Magazine: A periodical with all the faults of a newspaper and none of its virtues.
Timekeeper: 1. A clock-eyed man; 2. The guy who didn’t return your watch.
Tippling: Method of night fishing in which each cast is followed by a short pull or tug on a bottle held in the free hand. This can lead to erratic casting, but it has the advantage that after a fairly brief period, fish are caught two at a time.
Tips: Wages we pay other people’s help.
Tirade: A trip to the clothing store to steal neckwear.
Tire: (Southern) A tall monument. “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
Tireless: Have a car but no tires.
Tissue: Your daily nosepaper.
Titillate: A tardy meal for a breast-fed baby.
Toad: What happens to an illegally parked frog.
Toad Juice: Liquid fertilizer produced from pulverized cane toads.
Toadstool: Implement used by a toad to repair its car.
Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.
Toastmaster: 1. A gentleman who introduces a gentleman who needs no introduction; 2. A man who eats a meal he doesn’t want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn’t remember to people who have already heard them; 3. The man at a banquet whose duty it is to inform you that the best part of the entertainment is over; 4. The punk that starts things off; 5. The fellow between the meal and the speaker who tries to pretend that the latter won’t be as much torture as the former.
Tobacco: Found in many southern states and in some cigarettes.
Today: 1. The tomorrow you worried about yesterday; 2. Yesterday’s pupil.
Toddler Milk: A formula milk designed for children just out of infancy.
Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.
Toesmearish: The annoying occurrence of the toe nail polish smearing under your other toes during the drying process.
Toilet Paper: Successor to the Hand, Leaf, and Corncob.
Token: Lone representative of a disadvantaged group, brought in to quash rumors of discrimination (i.e. a white player on a professional basketball team).
Tolerance: 1. Another word for indifference; 2. Something parents have to teach a child in the first ten years - so he’ll be able to put up with them for the next ten; 3. That uncomfortable feeling that the other fellow might be right after all; 4. Letting other people find happiness in their way instead of your way; 5. Slamming the window instead of the next-door neighbour.
Tolerant: An insect that stands above the others.
Tomato Paste: Used to fix broken pizza.
Tombstone: A precaution taken by rich young widows.
Tomorrow: 1. The day you are going to clean the garage; 2. One of the greatest labour-saving devices of today; 3. What always comes but never arrives; 4. A mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
Tongue: Has good taste but never wears clothes.
Tongue Twister: A phrase that gets your tang all tongueled up.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Top Hat: A cylinder surmounting a vacuum.
Toot Ensemble: 200 cars waiting for a green light at a busy intersection on a Sunday afternoon.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Torahfied: Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
Torch Singer: A woman who lights a fire that the customers put out with liquor.
Torn: Ripped or tone in the South.
Toronto: A kind of New York operated by the Swiss.
Tortilla: A sleeping bag for ground beef.
Tot Rod: A fast tricycle.
Totalitarian State: A place where the people in jail are better than the people who put them there.
Tote-all Loss: Woman who lost her bag.
Tough: A bit more than difficult.
Toupalactic: A birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question.
Toupée: 1. Top secret; 2. What they expect you to do at the store when you buy something; 3. A teepee made of synthetic hair; 4. Not to be outdone by the Joe-kster’s threepeé.
Tourist: 1. Someone who goes thousands of miles to get a picture of himself in front of his car; 2. A person who stops at gas stations for free air, free water, free information, and to blame the attendant for the condition of the roads; 3. A rich, sophisticated man in the Ozarks.
Tourists: Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs.
Towel: Gets wetter the more it dries.
Township: What a houseboat becomes when it grows up.
Toxic: A worker with anti-management reputation who is often litigious.
Toxicologist: A guy who can really name your poison.
Trade Secrets: What women do.
Tradition: 1. What a town gets when its residents don’t want to build new buildings; 2. What you often resort to when you don’t have the will, time or money to do it right.
Traditional: Any fishing technique that was conclusively proven to be impractical, ineffective, unnecessarily costly, or impossibly time-consuming prior to the year 1900.
Traficious: A place with too much traffic (i.e. Vancouver in 2010 will exhibit exorbitant traficiousness).
Traffic: 1. A lot of cars moving fast until your car joins them; 2. A department within the TV station with the collective IQ of granite whose function it is to generate the Program Log.
Traffic Light: 1. A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches; 2. A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely; 3. A device for luring pedestrians out where cars can get at them.
Traffic Light Party: A party for which the partygoers adopt an appropriate colour, often displayed on a wrist band: green for singles; red for couples; and amber for those who are unsure of whether they wish to engage with the other sex or not.
Traffic Ticket: Finale of the policeman’s bawl.
Tragedy: 1. Getting what one wants - or not getting it; 2. A bride without a can opener.
Trailer Parks: 1. Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; 2. Humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.
Train: The most civilized, comfortable, romantic, and therefore obsolescent means of public transport.
Train Announcer: A misunderstood man.
Tramp Stamp: Tattoo on a female.
Tranquilizer: The opiate of the middle classes, prescribed as a remedy for anxiety, melancholia, chronic facial tics, and other perfectly rational responses to modern urbanized society.
Transaction: Female impersonation.éTranscendental Meditation: It kinda gurus on you…
Transistor: 1. A cross-dressing nun; 2. A girl who used to be your brother; 3. A robot’s female relative.
Transmitter: A big machine resembling an oversized refrigerator with meters. Standing close to a transmitter for more than one hour will cause your brain to malfunction. Standing close to a transmitter for more than two hours will turn you into a television engineer.
Transparent: 1. Daddy in a daze; 2. What mothers and fathers are when hypnotized.
Transparents: What the Invisible Man calls his mother and father.
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Trapeze Artist: A guy who gets the hang of things.
Travel: People travel for the same reason as they collect works of art - because the best people do it.
Travel Folder: A trip teaser.
Traveler: One who usually returns brag and baggage.
Traveler’s Aid: A softdrink for tourists.
Traverse: 1. To ski across a slope at an angle; 2. One of two quick & simple methods of reducing speed. The second method is called “tree”
Treason: What the acorn is to the oak.
Treble: Women ain’t nothin’ but.
Tree: An object that will stand in one place for 50 years, then suddenly jump in front of a woman driver.
Treeware: Manuals and documentation.
Trick Photography: Focus pocus.
Tricycle: A tot rod.
Trim Figures: What women do when they tell their age.
Trinity: The traditional threefold divinity worshipped by ambitious Americans: money, sex and power. Now apparently superseded by a new octinity: money, sex, power, youth, fitness, low cholesterol, tight buns and lifelong therapy.
Triple Bypass: Better than a quarterback sneak.
Triumph: Umph added to try.
Trojan Horse: A phony pony.
Trombones: Bones in an orchestra.
Troops: Expendable male bodies sent by the U.S. to stop bullets during obscure foreign uprisings.
Trouble: 1. The one product in which the supply exceeds the demand; 2. Easy to get into but hard to get out of.
Trousers: An uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
Trouble: 1. Opportunity in work clothes; 2. Something that many are looking for but no one wants.
Trouble Light: 1. A mechanic’s tanning booth; 2. A good source of Vitamin D which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Truant: An honest insect.
Truck Driver: 1. A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people; 2. A guy who goes the route.
Truculent: Borrowing a heavy goods vehicle.
True Adman: One who writes the prose and cons.
True Friend: Someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
True Musician: When one hears a lady singing in the bath, he puts his ear to the keyhole.
True Optimist: One who always has his bad breaks relined.
Truly Happy Marriage: One in which a woman gives the best years of her life to the man who made them the best.
Trumpet: Pet that makes the loudest noise.
Trumpet Teacher: Tooter tutor.
Trustworthy: What you call a handcuffed man.
Truth: 1. It is hard to believe that a man is telling truth when you know you would lie if you were in his place; 2. The cry of all, but the game of few.
Truthful: Dubm and illiterate.
Tryangle: The right angle for approaching a problem.
Tub: What you turn into after you get married and no longer feel the need to watch your weight.
Tube Dress: A dress which is an extended boob tube, either tight-fitting for the total length or tight-fitting at the top with a fuller skirt.
Tubules: Two oxen.
Tulips: The standard number of lips per person.
Tumor: 1. An extra pair; 2. One more than one more; 3. More than one; 4. A mass of cells that grow haphazardly and serves no discernible purpose. See also BUREAUCRACY.
Turbine: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Turkey: A fowl bird.
Turkish Bath: A pool room.
TV Shows: Rerun of the mill.
Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.
Twice-told Tale: A story that’s been told a thousand times.
Twilight: All the difference between day and night.
Twin: A double-take.
Twins: 1. Womb-mates; 2. Infant replay; 3. Plural of baby.
Twip: What a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
Twitch: A jittery sorceress.
Two: Twice as much nothing as one.
Two Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and he begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Two Sides To A Question: What occurs if we aren’t involved.
Two-Thirty: The time to visit your dentist.
Two-um Plus Two-um: Forum.
Type: Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable wacky dictionary.
Typer Diaper: Computer keyboard underwear.
Typing: isn*t bad, once you get the hangk ofit.
Typographical Error: A misprint that can turn a hat into a cat and a baby sitter into a baby sister.
Tyrannicsoreassrex: A despotic king with chronic hemmorhoids.
U.C.L.A.: What you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles.
Ugliness: A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.
Ugly: Having just left the beauty parlor.
Uhmurkin: (Southern) Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. Usage: “Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin.”
Ukraine: A female sheep-lifting device.
Ukulele: A so-called musical instrument which, when listened to, you cannot tell whether one is playing on it or just monkeying with it.
Ultimate: The last person you marry.
Ultimatum: In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
Ultramarine: The best sailor in the navy.
Umbrella: 1. A shelter for one and a shower bath for two; 2. Something to put away for a rainy day; 3. A portable roof when it rains.
Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing. “This is uh... Jack, my... um... friend...”
Umpire: 1. The original strike arbitrator; 2. A necessary evil to the luxury of baseball, like the odor that follows an automobile.
Unabated: 1. A fishhook without a worm; 2. A mousetrap without cheese.
Unaccompanied: The orchestra is on strike.
Un-American: Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
Unaware: What you put on first and take off last.
Unbiased: Having the same bias yo have.
Unbreakable Toy: 1. An object that is indestructible - until a child plays with it; 2. Useful for breaking other toys.
Unbrella: An umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Uncanny: The way our grandmothers prepared meals.
Unclaimed Baby Sheep: No man’s lamb.
Uncle: A relative who only seem to like you when he needs something done for him.
Under Consideration: We’re trying to find it in the files.
Under Separate Cover: Twin beds.
Underachiever: An employee who has squatters right on the far left side of the bell curve.
Undercover Agent: 1. A spy in bed; 2. A spy on a camping trip.
Understanding: A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.
Undertaker: 1. The last guy to let you down; 2. A guy who takes a turn for the hearse.
Underwater Swimmer: One who practices submersive activitites.
Underwear: An emotional thing.
Unemployment: 1. Capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden; 2. An intelligent alternative to overwork.
Unflappable: A flightless bird.
Unhappiness: The difference between our talents and our expectations.
Unicellular: Having only one car phone.
Unicorn: 1. A single blemish on the foot; 2. A horse with a point of view.
Uniform: Sheep’s clothing.
Unimpeachable Source: The guy that started the rumor in the first place.
Unimportance: The sensation that comes when you make a mistake and nobody notices it.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.
Unison: Lad with an androgynous look.
Unit: What you do if you have yarn and needles.
Universalist: One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
Universe: 1. Non-sexist poetry; 2. A figment of its own imagination - there’s no future in time travel.
University: 1. A college with a stadium seating more than sixty thousand; 2. A mental institution.
UNIX: A command-line-driven OS that only nerds could love.
Unlimited: 1. When not used in Advertising: Without Bounds; 2. When used in Advertising: See fine print.
Unlucky: Crossing the street to avoid walking under a ladder and getting hit by a truck full of horseshoes.
Unscramble: Something you can’t do to an egg.
Unskilled Labour: Found mostly in professions.
Unsporting: Any fishing technique that has as its chief object the capture of fish rather than the accumulation of fishing equipment.
Untold Wealth: That which does not appear on income tax returns.
Unused: Teacher’s sense of humour.
Unwed Mother: One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter’s talent for becoming invisible at will.
Update: When you write a cheque so it can’t be used until next month.
Upload: A group of tourists on their way to the observation deck of the CN Tower.
Upper Berth: Where you rise to retire and get down to get up.
Upper Crust: 1. A lot of crumbs held together by a lot of dough; 2. People stuck together by their dough.
Upper Hand: Something not found in a friendly handshake.
Upright Piano: The noblest musical instrument.
Uproar: What a lion does.
Uptitling: Tendency for employers to give workers grander-sounding job titles in lieu of pay rises.
Urban Tumbleweed: Plastic shopping bags, discarded newspapers or other debris that blow haphazardly through the streets - just before getting stuck to the front grill of your car.
Urge: To request with a push.
Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.
Urinate: What you could say to Bo Derek to really ‘tick’ her off.
Urination: 1. A country whose major crop is kidney beans; 2. What Israel was told in 1948.
Urine: 1. Opposite of “you’re out!”; 2. Where you are when you aren’t out.
URL: What you don’t want the doc to say at your yearly exam.
Used Car 1. A car in first crash condition; 2. Not always what it’s jacked up to be.
Useless: 1. The things we ought to use less; 2. A glass eye at a keyhole.
Usenet: Advice to someone wanting to catch fish.
User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into 3 types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer; Intermediate Users: People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it; Expert Users: People who break other people’s computers.
User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a computer programmer.
Usher: 1. A guy who can really put you in your place; 2. The only guy in the parish who doesn’t know the seating capacity of a pew; 3. One who takes a leading part in a theatre.
Usurped: Something you put on your pancakes.
Uterus: The tiny organ that stretches during pregnancy to the size of the Superdome.
Utopia: 1. Any place where there are no people; 2. Conditions that will prevail when Canadians enjoy 1958 wages, 1926 dividends, 1932 prices, and 1910 taxes.
Vacation: 1. A period during which people find out where to stay away from next year; 2. A sunburn at premium prices; 3. A trip to put you in the pink - and leave you in the red; 4. A time just long enough to be missed, but not long enough for them to realize how well they can get along without you; 5. A change of routine that makes you feel good enough to go back to work and poor enough to have to; 6. A brief relief without the chief; 7. When older people find out they are not as young as they feel; 8. What you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking; 9. The two weeks you have to slave 50 weeks to pay for; 10. Cramming a year’s worth of living into a period of approximately two weeks, in an attempt to relax from the rigors of work.
Vacation Menace: Sabotourists.
Vacation Time: That period when the flowers in the home garden are at their best and only the neighbours are around to enjoy them.
Vaccination: An ouch of prevention.
Vaccine: A microbe with his face washed.
Vacuum: 1, A large empty space where the Pope lives; 2. State of your husband’s brain during football season; 3. Electrical household appliance whose operation will remain a complete mystery to your husband even though he’s able to disassemble and reassemble an automobile engine blindfolded.
Vacuum Cleaner: 1. A sonic broom; 2. A broom with a stomach.
Vagotomy: To remove all doubt.
Valedictory: A demonstration of how to wave bye-bye with the tongue.
Valentine’s Day: A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Valid: The thing on top of a jar.
Valorous: A big animal vit tusks, vot lives in vater.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula uses to play baseball.
Vanguard: A person who protects trucks.
Vanish: An invisible substance you paint on fences.
Vanity: A collection of vans.
Vanity Fair: Low calorie plate.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Varicose: 1. Located nearby; 2. Very close.
Varicose Veins: Very close veins.
Variety: The condition of harmony.
Variola: A person over 100 years old.
Varmint: Troublesome candy.
Vaseball: A game of catch played by children in the living room.
Vasectomy: 1. Never having to say you’re sorry; 2. Spoil the rod. Spare the child.
Vegan: An alien from the planet Lettuce.
Vegas: Everyone’s cut-rate Babylon.
Vegetable: A substance used to ballast a child’s plate while it’s carried to and from the table.
Vegetarian: 1. Indian word for “lousy hunter”; 2. Prey; 3. A good salad citizen; 4. A person who eats only side dishes; 5. An herbivorous individual with Buddhist tendencies; 6. One who rejects the ghoulish concept of forking animal remains down the gullet, preferring to dine upon the corpses of plants and their detachable reproductive organs (popularly known as fruit).
Vehiculized: You own a vehicle.
Veiled Threat: When your girlfriend hints at a wedding.
Vending Machine: A coin-operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Venereal Disease: 1. The high cost of loving; 2. Germs of endearment.
Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I shopped.
Veni, Vidi, Vice: I came, I saw, I partied.
Venison: Food dear at any price.
Venom: Doing with your tongue what you haven’t enough courage to do with your hands.
Ventriloquism: Grunting as a fine art.
Ventriloquist: 1. A man with a dummy who always talks to himself; 2. A man who never speaks for himself.
Venture Capitalist: A person bored with the idea of taking a million dollars to Las Vegas and putting it all on “Red.” The venture capitalist instead takes the million and puts it into a startup company where the odds are much tougher.
Venus: The girl who got the breaks.
Venus De Milo: The goddess of disarmament.
Verbal: Able to whine in words.
Verbal Contract: Not worth the paper it’s written on.
Verbal Constipation: Having so much to say in such detail that you can’t get any of it out of your mouth.
Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Versicle: A frozen poem on a stick.
Version: The mother of Jesus.
Vertical Trailers: Mass-produced townhouses.
Vertigo: How foreigners ask for directions.
Vervacious: Having to do with verve during an inter-college social event.
Vestry: A multitude of vests.
Veto: What’s on ve end of ve foot.
Vibration: A motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Vice: A function to keep virtue within reasonable bounds.
Vice Versa: Dirty Italian poetry.
Vicious Circle: A wedding ring.
Victor: Your football team’s weekly opponent.
Victoria’s Secret: Catalog your husband reads in the bathroom since you made him cancel his subscription to Playboy.
Video Game: An electronic for of opium, consumed by stony eyed young addicts either at home or in dark communal den, where their families occasionally must venture to retrieve them.
Video Pictures: Without these, Big Time Television would be Big Time Radio.
Video Scope: A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap television engineers.
Video Switcher: Equipment on which all of the video sources are laid out in random order. If in doubt, take black.
Videotape: Black stuff that works like film, but you can’t see through it. Invented in the 1950s to give television engineers something to do.
View: (Southern) Contraction. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City... view?”
Vigilant: Insect watchman.
Village: A small town where everybody knows the troubles you’ve seen.
Violator: A person who plays the viola.
Violence: 1. The last refuge of the incompetent; 2. The ingredient which makes a movie worth watching; 3. Musical instruments with strings.
Violent: Paint colour that makes brutal men see red.
Violinist: 1. A man who is always up to his chin in music; 2. A high-strung musician.
Viper: What you use to clean ze vindows.
Viper Diaper: A baby snake’s underwear.
Virgin: 1. A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace; 2. A girl who makes an issue out of a tissue; 3. A girl who hasn’t met her maker.
Virgin Forest: A forest in which the hand of man has never set foot.
Virginity: Not dignity, but lack of opportunity.
Virtual: Fake. As in Virtual Reality; the Presidential election of 2004; Micro$oft Secure Operating System; Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Virtue: 1. A quality which has never been as respectable as money; 2. Insufficient temptation; 3. In the female, lack of temptation - in the male, lack of opportunity.
Virus: 1. A Latin word used by Doctors to mean, “your guess is as good as mine.”; 2. A word coined by someone who couldn’t spell pneumonia.
Visacarditis: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
Vise Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Vision: 1. Looking farther than you can see; 2. What people think you have when you guess right.
Visionary: 1. The only true realist; 2. An IBM employee who reads the outside literature.
Vitamin: What you do when someone comes to the house.
Vitamin B: A bee necessary for one’s health.
Vitamin See: Vitamin good for your eyesight.
Vitamins: A method of throwing your money away.
Vodka: What potatoes aspire to become. Potatoes who fail are known as French Fries.
Volcano: 1. A mountain with hiccups; 2. A mountain that’s blown its top.
Voltage: The era that began after the discovery of electricity.
Voluntourism: Tourism which combines volunteer work with sightseeing.
Voodoo Statistics: To twist statistical information to make bad data seem good. (i.e. In a race between two cars, the loser reports that he finished second and his opponent finished next to last.)
Vote: 1. To choose the lesser of two evils; 2. The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Voting: 1. A process of standing in line for the opportunity to help decide which party will spend your money; 2. The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.
Vulgarity: 1. The conduct of others; 2. The garlic in the salad of life.
Vulnerable: Female Interpretation: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male Interpretation: Playing ball without a cup.
Wackajacky: Very messed up.
Wacky Game Shows: Loco broadcasting.
Waffle: 1. A pancake with a nonskid tread; 2. A pancake with syrup traps.
Wagging Tail: A happy ending.
Waiter: 1. A guy who believes money grows on trays; 2. A representative of the leisure class.
Waitress: A woman who thinks money grows on trays.
Wake: 1. Seven days in Ireland; 2. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room; 3. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
Walk The Plank: A pirate’s board game.
Walkie Talkie: What you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede.
Wall Street: 1. The capital of capital; 2. Seedy district of Lower Manhattan specifically zoned for performing lewd acts on people's retirement savings..
Wallflower: A decoration for ballrooms.
Walnuts: People who are crazy about walls.
Waltz: The most famous waltz is the Blue Daniel.
Wanderbra: Designed to assist ladies blessed with an ample, and once firm, bosom that now wanders off in all directions at every opportunity.
War: 1. A campaign to get more air for less people; 2. A passion play performed by idiots; 3. One of the more popular televised spectator sports, despite the notable lack of coherent scoring rules and genial play-by-play commentary.
War: (Southern) Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. Usage: “Be careful and don’t get stuck on that bob war.”
Warden: 1. Strategy room in the Pentagon; 2. A man who makes his living by his pen.
Warehouse: 1. What you ask when you’re lost; 2. One who, during a Full Moon, transforms into a building; 3. Where the wolfman lives.
Warm Water Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Warren: Good name for a rabbit.
Warsh: (Southern) To clean. Usage: “Warsh that squarsh, Bubba... you don’t know where its been!”
Wash-and-werewolf: Monster with a drip-dry suit.
Washable: What a cowboy does, very carefully, with soap and water.
WASP: White Anglo Saxon Protestant - One who gets out of the shower to pee (Not George Costanza).
Wastebasket: Something to throw things near.
Watchdog: Animal that keeps the best time.
Watchmaker: A man who has lots of time on his hands.
Watchmakers: Demand more overtime.
Water: 1. A colourless fluid that turns black when you wash your face; 2. Composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin; Hydrogin is gin and water.
Water Hazard: Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
Water Polo: What horses play in the swimming pool.
Water Table: Where fish eat their dinners.
Waterfall: A drop of water.
Waterloo: How polite Englishmen refer to the toilet.
Watermelon: Note on farmer’s ‘Things To Do’ calendar.
Waterproof Mascara: Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Watershed: A shed in the middle of the sea where ships take shelter during the middle of a storm.
Waterworks: A woman’s tears.
Wattage: Question you ask to find out how old someone is.
Weaker Sex: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
Wealth: A curse when the neighbours have it.
Weasel: Any person or group that operates in that vast gray area between good ethical behaviour and the sort of activities that might send you to jail.
Weather: 1. The climate of the hour; 2. Damp weather is bad for the sciences; 3. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned.
Web 2.0: A perceived altered state of the world wide web, equivalent to a second generation of a software product, which features social networks, creative commons, wikis and other such sites that encourage user input and information sharing.
Webliography: A bibliography of web sources.
Webmaster: Female spider.
Webnesia: The act of loading a web browser, then instantly forgetting the site you were going to visit.
Wedding: 1. A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman; 2. A ceremony at which a man loses complete control of himself; 3. A ceremony where the bridegroom starts kissing the bride and the other fellows stop; 4. A funeral where you smell your own flowers; 5. The point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her; 6. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
Wedding Bells: A storm warning.
Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man.
Wedding Rehearsal: Aisle trial.
Wedding Ring: 1. A one-man band; 2. The smallest handcuff in the world; 3. A tourniquet worn on the finger to cut off circulation; 4. A warhoop.
Wedlock: A padlock.
Weed: A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.
Weekend: 1. When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, and runs errands; 2. A book with a blah ending.
Weeping Willow: Sad tree.
Welcome: Something that can’t be reconditioned after it’s worn out.
Well-Informed Woman: One who’s on a party line.
Well-Proportioned Girl: One with a narrow waist and a broad mind.
Well-Red: Reading while sunbathing.
Well Done: A water, gas, or oil well is finished.
Well Water: Healthiest kind of water.
West Undies: Where men’s briefs are manufactured.
Western: A sage saga.
Wet Suit: An old suit thrown into a river.
Wheat Germ: Food that’s sick all the time.
Whereto: Number following whereone.
Whether: Unpredictable weather.
Whiff: A stroke that completely missed the ball. The more prevalent term for this type of shot is “warm-up swing.”
Whisker: A chef who beats eggs.
Whiskey: The best thing to take for a headache - the night before.
Whistle: Wind having a narrow escape.
White Collar Worker: One who carries his lunch in a briefcase instead of a pail.
White Lie: Aversion of the truth.
White Supremacists: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
Whiteboard: The racist replacement of the blackboard.
Whittle By Whittle: How to carve a statue out of wood.
Whiz Kid: Your college nickname... but not for the reason people think.
Whoa! A brake for horses.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Wholesale: 1. Cheapest way to buy holes; 2. Where a gopher goes to buy a new home.
Wholesome: The only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge”.
Whup: (Southern) To beat or to strike. Usage: “OOOEEE!!! Yer mama’s gonna whup you fer sayin’ a cuss word.”
Why? The word that invented science.
Wicked: Anything the old cannot enjoy.
Wickedness: A myth invented by good people to account for the singular attractiveness of others.
Widow: 1. A woman who knows her husband’s whereabouts at all times; 2. A woman who is sadder but wiser.
Widowhood: The proof that women live longer than men.
Wiener: The first to cross the line in a Mexican horse race.
Wife: 1. A dish jockey; 2. A former sweetheart; 3. A person who can look into the top drawer of a dresser and find a man’s handkerchief that isn’t there; 4. A person who may suffer in silence but who usually has a lot to say about it later; 5. A woman who sticks with her husband through all the troubles he never would have had if he had stayed single; 6. A sex object: every time you ask for sex, she objects.
Wife Swapping: Sexual fourplay.
Wig: 1. A convertible top; 2. An assumed mane.
Wildlife: Living it up!
Will: A dead giveaway.
Will Contest: Heir splitting.
Will of the People: Used only when the public votes your way. Acceptable method of denying constitutional rights of minorities. Never used when public opinion is against you.
Will Power: 1. The ability, after you have used three-fourths of a can of paint and finished the job, to close the can and clean the brush, instead of painting something else that really doesn’t need it; 2. The ability to eat only one salted peanut; 3. The ability to stick to a diet for two days in a row.
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Wimple: A kind of blemish that nuns often develop.
Wind: 1. Weather on the go; 2. Travels all over the world without seeing anyone.
Windellas: Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card.
Windjammer: A person from Florida who spreads jelly on bread during a hurricane.
Window: 1. A looking-out glass; 2. Place in the truck to hang your guns.
Window Dresser: A girl who doesn’t pull down the shades.
Window Screen: 1. A device to prevent the escape of insects; 2. A device for keeping flies in the house.
Window Shopping: Eye browsing.
Windowpane: A pain we make light of.
Windows: 1. The Fisher Price version of the Macintosh OS; 2. The Gates of hell; 3. What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share (see Ya Hoo).
Windows ’95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.
Windshield Time: Time spent driving to a job or business appointment.
Wine: The Mozart of the mouth.
Wink: A whether signal.
Winner: Someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals.
Winter: 1. The time of year when it gets later earlier; 2. The age of shivery and shovelry; 3. The season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat; 4. When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in; 5. The season when a gentleman pre-furs a blonde.
Wisdom: 1. Common sense in an uncommon degree; 2. Knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech; 3. Knowing the difference between pulling your weight and throwing it around; 4. Learning what to overlook.
Wise Crack: A comedian with a PHD.
Wise Husband: One who buys his wife such fine china she won’t trust him to wash the dishes.
Wise Man: 1. One who is smarter than he thins he is; 2. One who thinks all he says (Fool: one who says all he thinks).
Wit: 1. A weapon; 2. A masculine way of inflicting superiority; 3. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
Witch: 1. Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil; 2. A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
Witch Watch: How a witch tells time.
Witchcraft: 1. A flying broomstick; 2. Handmade crafts made for Halloween.
Witches: 1. The most witches of all were burned in Wichita; 2. Hexperts.
Withdrawal: 1. How people in Texas speak; 2. To use a Southern accent.
Wizard: A man who can describe - without gestures - an accordion, a spiral staircase or a woman.
Wok The Dog: Specialty at Vietnamese Restaurants.
Woker: A dolt (or moroff) who frequently does something so idiotic you laugh about it ’till it hurts.
Wolf: 1. A guy who is ready, villain, and able; 2. A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his hands; 3. A guy who strikes while the eyein’ is hot; 4. A man with a community chest; 5. A wild animal on two legs, with a pair of eyes on two other legs; 6. Frequently a fine fellow once you get to no him; 7. One who enjoys life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit; 8. A big dame hunter.
Woman: 1. A creature who dresses for men’s eyes and women’s eyebrows; 2. A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her, and unreasonable that she might love man; 3. A person who can hurry through a drugstore aisle 18 inches wide without brushing against the piled up pots and pans, and then drive home and still knock off one of the doors of a 12-foot garage; 4. A person who can’t change her opinion and won’t change the subject; 5. A person who goes to a football game to look at mink coats; 6. A person who needs a shoe larger inside than outside; 7. A person who’s always ready to take what’s becoming her; 8. A person who stands 20 minutes talking at a door because she hasn’t time to come in; 9. A person who tells what somebody said about somebody without even pausing every fifteen minutes for station announcements; 10. A person who will spend $20 on a beautiful slip and then be annoyed if it shows; 11. One who, generally speaking, is generally speaking; 12. Someone who reaches for a chair when answering the telephone; 13. The only one who can skin a wolf and get a mink; 14. The opposition sex; the weeper sex; a species of creatures known for untold ages; 15. A delusion men like to hug; 16. A creature who is either making a fool out of man, or making a man out of a fool; 17. A build in a girdled cage; 18. A person who thinks two and two’ll make five if she cries and bothers enough about it.
Woman’s Ambition: To be weighed and found wanting.
Woman Driver: 1. A person who drives the same way a man does - only she gets blamed for it; 2. One who doesn’t let her right hand know what her left hand has signalled; 3. One who, when she holds her hand out, you can be certain is either going to turn to the right, turn to the left, or stop.
Woman’s Club: 1. A place where they knock after they enter; 2. A room full of loose tongues and tight girdles.
Woman’s Intuition: Nothing more than man’s transparency.
Woman Shopper: One who returns an article for credit, buys something that costs twice as much, and figures she has saved half the amount.
Woman’s Vocabulary: One that is small but with a big turnover.
Wombmates: Twin babies waiting to be born.
Women: 1. People who are biased - “buy us this” and “buy us that.”; 2. People who need a shoe larger inside than outside; 3. The sex that believes that if you charge it, it’s not spending, and if you add a cherry to it, it’s not intoxicating; 4. The weeper sex; 5. The best other sex men have; 6. People who can talk their way out of anything but a telephone booth.
Women’s Clothes: Go to extremes, but seldom to extremities.
Women’s Professional Boxing: A punch-at-Judy show.
Wonton: The heaviest soup.
Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such difficulty in a fireplace.
Woodpecker: 1. A knocking bird; 2. A 17th Century prosthetic device.
Woofys: Well Off Older Folks.
Woppajoppies: Oversized headphones.
Word: Something you must keep after giving it to another.
Words: The assaults of thoughts on the unthinking.
Work: 1. A tonic which contains no habit-forming drugs; 2. The scythe of time; 3. The worst thing you can do for your health; 4. The curse of the drinking classes; 5. An unpopular way to earn money.
Work Days: An unfortunate lapse of time occurring somewhere between paid holidays and sick and annual leave.
Workavoidic: One who is the opposite of a workaholic and does everything possible to avoid work - the paranoid of physical effort.
Work-Study: Two things not done by a majority of students.
Working Girl: One who quit her job to get married.
Workout: A job outdoors.
World: 1. A puzzle with a peace missing; 2. Something extremely large - so large that if you had everything, this is where you would keep it; 3. A big ball which revolves on its own taxes; 4. A place so full of a number of things, and they all seem piled on our desk; 5. A place that was built in six days - and looks it.
World History: Scrap book.
Worry: 1. Something that makes people thin, except when they worry about being fat; 2. Interest paid on trouble before it falls due; 3. Putting today’s sun under tomorrow’s cloud; 4. The advance interest you pay on troubles that seldom come.
Wrath: Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions (i.e. ’the wrath of God’, ’the day of wrath’).
Wrestler: A muscle-bound comedian acting like an athlete.
Wrestling: 1. A sport which gets a hold on you; 2. The only sport in which the participants groan as much as the customers.
Wretched: How you pronounce Richard in the South.
Wrinkle: 1. The nick of time; 2. Yesterday’s dimple.
Wrinkled: Not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Wrinkles: Something other people have... you have character lines.
Wrist: 1. In golfers, the swollen joint that connects a sore hand to an aching elbow and a painful shoulder; 2. In an angler, the ache that connects the cuts and sores to the pulls and strains.
Wristwatch: 1. A fashion accessory with a clock in the middle, its status being roughly proportional to the illegibility of the dial; 2. A device on your arm that lets you know which class you’re currently late for.
Writer: 1. A frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull; 2. One who corrects a wrong.
Writer’s Block: Numb de plume.
Writer’s Cramp: What you develop when it’s time to do your homework.
Writers Tramp: A woman who practices poetic licentousness.
Writing: The art of putting black words on white paper in succession until the impression is created that something has been said.
WWW: World Wide Wait.
X: The signature of a happy man.
X Chromosomes: 1. Sex chromosome responsible for the desire of dust ruffles, pillow shams, pot pourris, soap operas and ballroom dancing; 2. A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be colour-blind hemophiliacs.
Xerocks: Two identical pieces of stone.
Xerophyte: No argument.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.
X-Factor: 1. Anything that is unexpected; 2. As in Sudoku...
The X-Files: The mystery of algebra.
X-Ray: 1. A ray that enables a person to see through anything except treachery; 2. A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal; 3. A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to 10 years after they’re eaten; 4. My dead Uncle Raymond.
Xylophone: Revolutionary communication device that turns the sounds of the voice into a mellow, musical chime.
Xylophonist: A superstitious person who goes around knocking on wood.
Y Chromosome: 1. A line of genes designed for men only; 2. The cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.
Ya Hoo: What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share (see Windows).
Yacht: 1. A floating debt; 2. Stretch limo of the seas.
Yacht Owners: Successful sailsmen.
Yale: 1. A well known Ivy League university; 2. What southern cheerleaders do.
Yankee: Recipient of a firm tug or jerk.
Yankee Shot: (Southern) A Southern child’s navel. Usage: “Momma, what’s this on mah belly?” “That’s yo Yankee Shot.”
Yard: Unit of measurement. In angling, 17 inches.
Yardstick: One foot on each side and one in the middle.
Yawn: 1. A silent scream for coffee; 2. A silent shout; 3. The only time some married men ever get to open their mouths; 4. Opening one’s mouth and wishing that others would close theirs; 5. A hole made by a bore; 6. An honest opinion openly expressed; 7. Nature’s provision for letting married men open their mouths; 8. A kind of heavy breathing used in school; 9. It’s always dullest just before the yawn.
Yawnese: The language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Year: 1. A period of 365 disappointments; 2. The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary.
Yearbook: A book containing student pictures that will keep getting nerdier as the years go by.
Yeast: A good razor.
Yellow Lines: What you get if you misbehave at traffic school.
Yellow Pages: Inferior knight’s assistants.
Yeoman: A greeting you should never use for your teacher.
Yes-man: 1. A man not in the no; 2. A yes-sir who has been promoted; 3. One who stoops to concur.
Yes-men: 1. Fellows who hang around the man whom nobody no’s; 2. Those who stoop to concur.
Yesterday: 1. The tomorrow that got away; 2. When the 15-page paper you started tonight was due; 3. Something everyone has seen but will never see again.
Yiddish: A tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek.
Yield Sign: Dormitory wall decoration you ’purchased’ around 3 AM with the help of two buddies and a hammer.
Yodeling: Slope opera.
Yoga: Yellow-coloured center portion of a yegg.
Yogurt: 1. Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid; 2. Stretching exercise that makes you ache.
Younger Generation: A group that is alike in many disrespects.
Young Man: One whose hardest problem is to find a girl attractive enough to like, but dumb enough to like him.
Youngish: What your parents think they are.
Yours: Anything which, up to the present, others have not been able to get away from you.
Yours Truly: The last letter in the English language.
Youth: 1. That brief period, as distinguished from childhood or middle age, when the sexes talk to each other at a party; 2. The first fifty years of your life… the first twenty of anyone else’s; 3. A good substitute for experience.
Youth Becomes A Man: A youth become a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
Youthful Figure: What you get when you ask a woman her age.
Yunktoo: (Southern) Would you like to? Usage: “I’m fixin’ to go see a movie - yunktoo?”
Yuppie Food Coupons: $20 bills from an ATM.
Zat: (Southern) Is that. Usage: “Zat yo dawg?”
Zeal: 1. A nervous disorder affecting the young and inexperienced; 2. An enthusiastic sea mammal; 3. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.
Zealotry: 1. The enemy of idealism; 2. What a tree salesman likes to do.
Zebra: 1. Ze cloth which covers ze breasts; 2. French device for supporting ze mammaries or les boobies; 3. A horse behind bars; 4. A striped horse; 5. The largest size a woman can buy; 6. 26 sizes up from an “A” bra.
Zen Buddhism: A discipline where belief isn’t necessary.
Zephyr: A ladylike blizzard.
Zero: The number of times you’ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered.
Zest: The secret of all beauty.
Zigzag: The shortest distance between two drinks.
Zillion: The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, before ending up doing it yourself.
Zingle: A single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
Zinc: What a ship will do if it has a hole in it.
Zipper: Two rows of unsmiling teeth that often induce laughter in others, especially when inadvertently left open following a trip to the john.
Zit: Command given to a spotted dog.
Zither: A lap harp.
Zombie: 1. A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans; 2. Those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
Zoo: 1. A place where humans go and animals are barred; 2. A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings; 3. A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people; 4. What dorms would look like if they were a little neater; 5. A form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary or even a state legislature in session, is informing, stimulating, and ennobling; 6. A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
Zoologist: An expert in animal enclosures.
Zoology: 1. A study of life in Hollywood.
Zoophyte: What happens when captive gorillas annoy each other.
Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.
ZZZZZ: 1. Sound made by patient angler waiting for a bite; 2. Sound made by insect about to deliver one; 3. The sound produced by those who have attempted to read this entire wacky dictionary in one sitting.
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Newfie English Dictionary
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