joe-ks.com

Daffynition: Definition for a Humourist, eh!
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Laugh: A smile that burst
Pompeii: Canadian pomp
See also  Defunitions
See also  Redneck Dictionary

  URL Shortcut:   www.WackyDictionary.com

19th Hole: The only hole on which golfers do not complain about the number of shots they took.

32 Bit Resolution:  Motion to spend four dollars.

404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning the requested document couldn't be located:  “Don't bother asking him, he's 404.”

A Cappella: Just two, please.

AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink.

AALST: One who changes his name to be nearer the front.

Aardvark: 1. Aan aanimal thaat resembles the aanteater; 2. In the beginning was the word. And the word was 'Aardvark'.

Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can't take it.

Abasement: A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.

Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning.

Abdicate: 1. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach; 2. Strenuous labour.

Ability: 1. A poor man’s worth; 2. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. What you have to get by on if you don't kiss-up to the boss; 4. The art of getting credit for all the home runs that somebody else hits.

Abligo: One who prides himself on not even knowing what day of the week it is.

Aboriginies: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Abortion: Love's Labour Lost.

Abracadabbler: An amateur magician.

Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Absecon: An annual conference held at the Cobalt Hotel, Vancouver, for people who haven't got any other conferences to go to.

Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record.

Absent-Mindedness: Searching for the horse you are riding.

Absentee: A missing golfing peg.

Absolute Pitch: Completely dark.

Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test.

Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Abstract Art: 1. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

Absurdity: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Abundance: 1. Big party held in a bakery; 2. A social event held in a farm building.

Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy: A modern school where football is taught.

Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem.

Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page.

Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense.

Accident: 1. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road.

Accidents: An ironically twisted word: while people cause most accidents, accidents also cause most people.

Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty.

Accord: A thick string.

Accordion: 1. An instrument invented by the man who couldn’t decide how big the one was that got away; 2. A stomach Steinway; 3. An instrument whose music is long drawn out; 4. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.

Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Account: The husband of a countess.

Accountability: The mother of caution.

Accountant: 1. A noble insect; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas.

Accrue: People who work on a ship.

Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. the price tag).

Ache: Joint concern.

Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

Acid: Better living through chemistry.

Acme: Spots on the top of your head.

Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.

Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.

Acquaintance: 1. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. A person we know who falls short of being a friend, either because he isn’t well-to-do enough, or because he won’t let us borrow from him; 3. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Acquarium: House of gill repute.

Acrimony: The holy state of being married.

Acrobat: The person who turns a flop into a success.

Acting: An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.

Actor: 1. A guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, he ain’t listening; 2. A man who tries to be everything but himself; 3. A man with an infinite capacity for taking praise; 4. A person who makes $500,000 a year some weeks; 5. A man who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and say, “What a lovely view there is from this window.”; 6. Someone who would rather have a small role than a long loaf; 7. A ham that can't be cured.

Actor’s Agent: A guy who sometimes bites the ham who feeds him.

Acupuncture: 1. A jab well done; 2. Waiting for a cure on pins and needles.

Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.

ADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an expert in computing.

Adage: To become older.

Adam: The first white slave.

Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.

Ad Hoc: Pawn shop advertisement.

Ad Libber: A man who stays up all night to memorize spontaneous joe-ks.

Adagio Molto: Thick shake.

Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.

Adamant: The very first insect.

Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

Addis Ababa: The torrent of incomprehensible gibberish which emanates from the loudspeakers on top of cars covered in stickers.

Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that's not applicable to your area, about people you'll never work with or issues you'll never face.

Adminisphere: 1. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Provider of decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Admiral: 1. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking; 2. A general at sea.

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.

Admissions Office: Where you're taken to admit that you've mooned the keynote speaker during 'new student weekend.'

Admonition: 1. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe; 2. Friendly warning.

Adolescence: 1. An independent state, highly taxing yet often insolvent, located just beyond comprehension; 2. A period in which girls try to make little boys stop asking questions, and big boys begin; 3. A period in which children begin to question the answers; 4. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. The period in which the young suddenly begin to feel a great responsibility about answering the phone; 7. The period when a girl begins to powder and a boy begins to puff; 8 when a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown must be held up, but doesn’t understand how; 9. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. When children start bringing up their parents; 11. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The age between hopscotch and real scotch; 16. The age between puberty and adultery; 17. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone.

Adolescent: 1. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. One who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

Adorable: What you ring when you go visiting.

Adore: 1. To venerate expectantly; 2. The entrance to a house.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them.

Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old.

Adultery: 1. Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe; 2. Putting yourself in someone else's position; 3. Democracy applied to love.

Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle.

Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children.

Advergaming: Marketing strategy of using video games in which products, brands & logos are placed in the game context to build familiarity.

Adverse: Promotional jingle.

Adversity: 1. The only diet that will reduce a fat head; 2. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then.

Advertisement: 1. The most truthful part of a newspaper; 2. What gets people on the brandwagon.

Advertising: 1. That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for something you never even heard of; 2. 15 percent commission and 85 percent confusion; 3. The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before; 4. What you do when you can't see somebody; 5. The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission.

Advertising Executive: Yessir, nosir, ulcer.

Advice: 1. Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain; 2. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. The worst vice; 5. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it; 6. Pick up a new bad habit; 7. Two or more pieces of contrary angling information contained in a single phrase or sentence; 8. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson.

Aerobics; A bouncy form of music-induced exercise, often led on video by sinewy women with stalled movie careers. Said to improve cardiopulmonary fitness of those who survive.

Aesophagus: The author of Aesop's Fables.

Affianced: Fitted with an ankle ring for ball-and-chain.

A-Flat Minor: The result of a piano falling down a mine shaft.

Afterbirth: When the hard part begins.

After-Dinner Speaker: 1. A fellow who rises to the occasion – and then stands too long; 2. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The guy who starts the bull rolling.

After-Dinner Speech: 1. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude.

Aftermath: 1. The period following algebra; 2. The horrible headache you have when you've finished the algebra test.

Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.

Afternoon Snack: The pause that refleshes.

Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

Age: 1. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. The time when everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

Aging: A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible.

Agreeable Person: One who agrees with me.

Agent: Someone who believs an actor takes 85 percent of his money.

Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.

Agrophobia: The fear of being beaten up in an open space.

Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it.

Ah: (Southern) The thing you see with, denoting individuality. Usage: “Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah.”

Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.

Aibohphobia: The fear of palindromes.

Air: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

Air Conditioning: An invention for sucking the warmth out of the sensuous summer air, so that we might shiver in July and work through the season without dreaming of hammocks or lemonade.

Air Traffic Control: A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
 

Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.

Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Airplane: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.

Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use.

Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat.

Alabaster: A very nasty thing to say about Al.

Alarm Clock: 1. That which scares the daylight out of you; 2. A device that allows you to rise in the world; 3. Something that makes people rise and whine; 4. A device for awakening childless households.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Alas: Early Victorian for, “Oh, Hell.”

Alaska: 1. I will propose; 2. Miles and miles of miles and miles.

Album: A family rogues' gallery.

Alcatraz: A pen with a lifetime guarantee.

Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach.

Alcohol: 1. A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets; 2. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. The only known substance that will make a woman beautiful when taken internally – by her escort.

Alcoholic: A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

Alcoy: Wanting to be bullied into having another drink.

Aldclune: One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.

Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

Alfred Nobel: A man who endowed the world with dynamite and prizes to discourage its use.

Algebra: Undergarment worn by female math teachers.

Algorithm: The Vice President of the Unites States of America attempting to sing doo-wop.

Alibi: Slip cover.

Alien: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

Alimentary Canal: The passage through the human body from which President Reagan's 'trickle down' theory of economics was based.

Alimony: 1. A man’s cash surrender value; 2. Another war debt a lot of husbands would like to see cancelled; 3. A one-man war debt; 4. A splitting headache; 5. Bounty on the mutiny; 6. Giving comfort to the enemy; 7 man’s best proof that you have to pay for your mistakes; 8. One more form of the guaranteed annual wage; 9. The high cost of leaving; 10. The high cost of loving; 11. The high cost of leaving; 12. The method some women use for taking the drudgery out of housework; 13. The stuff that makes separations look like reparations; 14. When a bride continues to get wedding gifts after the divorce; 15. The fee a woman charges for name-dropping; 16. That which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried; 17. The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof; 18. Something which enables a woman to profit by her mistakes; 19. A mistake by two people paid for by one; 20. The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

All: (Southern) 1. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

Allege: A high rock shelf.

Allegro: One leg becoming longer than the other.

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that hey cannot separately plunder a third.

Alone: In bad company.

Alp: 1. One of a number of ski mountains in Europe; 2. A shouted request for assistance by an out-of-bounds European skier on a U.S. mountain (appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”)

Alpha: The first letter in the Greek alphabet. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn't meet specifications (i.e. a Parthenon that fell on someone's head). The first 'test version' of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. It should never be loaded into your computer's memory. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup.
Alpha-Bet: The first step in a career of gambling.

Altar: 2. To change through marriage; 2. Place where a man loses control of himself.

Altar-Boy: A type of bicycle accident.

Altos: Not to be confused with “Tom's toes”, “Bubba's toes”, or “Dori-toes”.

Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid only in cash - not by cheque.

Amateur Photographer: 1. A boy’s future; a man’s past; 2. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. The last refuge of the failure; 4. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered.

Ambiguity: The lack of clarity in speech. Or perhaps, something else.

Ambition: 1. Goaled rush; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

Ambivalence: Two decides to every question.

Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.

Ambulance: 1. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is.

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

America: 1. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won't cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there; 3. Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks; 4. A country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.

American: 1. One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses; 2. A happy container of tinned food; 3. A man who is free to choose his own form of government - blonde, brunette, or redhead.

American Language: English run over by a musical comedy.

Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world.

American History: The replacement of the red Indian by red tape.

American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business.

American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

Ammo Truck: A U.S.P.S. delivery vehicle.

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

Amnesty: The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

Amniocentesis: Seedling needling.

Ampersand: Sand you won't find at a beach.

Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay to have their bodies and brains agitated on a variety of fiendish contraptions designed to induce vomiting.

Anal: If the shoe fits, wear it!

Anal Probe: Something you shouldn't share.

Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works.

Anarachnophobia: The fear of spiders wearing waterproof coats.

Anatomical: Joe-ks about the body.

Anatomy: 1. Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl; 2. The belly of a very small insect; 3. The study of heavenly bodies; 4. A class that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what it really involves.

Ancestor Worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive.

Ancestral Pride: Going forward by backing up.

Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labour.

Anger: Momentary madness.

Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home.

Animal Rights: A loopy, well-intentioned activist movement that, in its extreme form, harbours more compassion for a captive circus elephant than for the hapless trainer on whose face it sits.

Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.

Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.

Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picnics.

Antarctic: Snowman's land.

Ante Merediem: That's why he's my Uncle.

Anteater: A picnicker.

Antelope: Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle!

Anthologist: A lazy fellow who like to spend a quiet evening at home “raiding a good book.”

Antibody: 1. Against everyone; 2. Your Uncle's wife.

Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on makeup.

Anticlimax: Why my uncle was good at.

Antidote: 1. The reason Mom's sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you; 2. Medicine that kills dotes.

Antifreeze: What happens to your mother's sister when you steal her blanket.

Antimony: A necessity in any poker game being played for money.

Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

Antique: 1. An object that has made a round trip to the attic; 2. Something no one would be seen with if there were more of them; 3. Something too old to be anything but too expensive.

Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”

Antique Furniture: What you get from living with children.

Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. The old virtues.

Antisocial: Mother's sister being friendly.

Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

Anxiety: The dizziness of freedom.

Apartment: 1. A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent; 2. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbour's.

Apathy: Vigor mortis.

Aphorism: Predigested wisdom.

Apocalipstick: What your wife found on your shirt collar just before she kicked you out of the house.

Apocryphal: A statement or story which is widely circulated, believed to be true, but probably isn't. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. See also most of the information the government tells you.

Apologist: An expert in moon missions.

Apologize: 1. To lay the foundation for a future offense; 2. To repeat an insult with variations.

Apology: 1. Egotism wrong side out; 2. Laying the foundation for a future offence; 3. Politeness too late; 4. The attempt to escape punishment for a mistake.

Apparently: As either mother or father would do it.

Appeal: 1. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw; 2. When you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

Appearance: A glimpse of what is hidden.

Appeasement: The policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile, one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.

Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile – hoping it will eat him last.

Appendicitis: A modern pain, costing about $2,000 more than the old-fashioned stomach ache.

Appendix Girl: The kind that gets taken out.

Applause: The echo of a platitude.

Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Appoggiatura: Sorry, wrong number.

April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364.

April Fool: The March fool with another month added to his folly.

Apron: A large primate moving very fast on his feet.

Aquanaut: An astronaut with a leaky capsule.

Arab: A man who will pull down a whole temple to have a stone to sit on.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.

Arch Criminal: One who robs shoe stores.

Archaeologist: 1. A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down; 2. The science of digging around to find another civilization to blame ours on; 3. A man whose career lies in ruins.

Archaeology: A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down.

Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

Archeologist: 1. An expert who knows all about curves; 2. A person whose career lies in ruins.

Archery: A collection of arches.

Architect: 1. Noah's profession; 2. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.

Ardcrony: A remote acquaintance passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by someone trying to impress people.

Ardelve: To make a big display of searching all your pockets when approached by a charity collector.

Are: (Southern) Possessive case of “we” used as a predicate adjective (?)  Usage: See “Rats”

Argument: 1. A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first; 2. Something that gets better when you don't have facts; 3. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet; 4. An exchange of ignorance (see also Discussion - an exchange of knowledge).

Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.

Armor: 1. A knight gown; 2. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Armor Plates: Dishes that knights ate from.

Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder.

Aromatic:  A rapid-firing crossbow.

Arpeggio: The story book kid with the big nose that grows.

Arrears: What we should wash behind.

Arrest: 1. What you take when you are tired; 2. What you need after running a marathon.

Arrested Development: Prerequisite for success as a radio DJ or a social satirist.

Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner.

Arse Antlers: A tattoo just above the buttocks, having a central section and curving extensions on each side.

Arson: 1. Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage; 2. Our daughter’s brother; 3. A sure-fire proposition.

Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire, at least in a small way.

Art: A house that tries to be haunted.

Art Gallery: Hall of frame.

Artery: Study of paintings.

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Artichoke: 1. Strip tease with mayonnaise; 2. The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than you had when you started.

Artificial Insemination: Copulation without representation.

Artificial Intelligence: The goal of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. Problem is, human beings are really stupid.

Artisan Food: Food which is made by traditional, often labour-intensive methods and usually in small batches (rather than by large-scale factory processing).

Artist: What a television director thinks he is.

Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until it’s too old to spank.

Art School: A place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage.

Artifical Insemination: 1. Impregnation without representation; 2. Procreation without recreation.

Artist’s Model: A girl unsuited for her work.

Artistry: A coterie of artists.

Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.

Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor.

Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe.

Aspersion: An Iranian donkey.

Asphalt: Rectum trouble.

Asphyxiation: What a surgeon does about an asphalt.

Aspire: Where dead donkeys are cremated.

Aspiring: A group of trainee secret service agents.

Assai: Just assai told you.

Assassinate: A hired killer finished lunch.

Assembly Language: Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C into...

Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it's worth repeating 9,876 times a day.

Assistant: A fellow that can’t get off.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.

Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. Usage: “Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad.”

Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat.

Asthma: What you do if Dad says no.

Astronaut: A whirled traveller – the only man who is glad to be down and out.

Astronomer: Night watchman.

Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth's surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging.

Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world.

Asymmetry: Where you bury dead people.

Atheism: The religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Atheist: 1. A man who doesn’t care who wins the Super Bowl; 2. A man who has no invisible means of support; 3. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he can’t see; 4. A man who believes himself an accident; 5. One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble.

Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes.

Atlas: Finally.

Atomic Ache: What you get when you eat Uranium.

Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.

Attair: (Southern) Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. Usage: “Pass me attair gravy, please.”

Attentional Blink: A brief period of inattention following the locating of a target item in a stream of visual stimuli.

Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

Au Pis Aller: I have to go to the bathroom.

Au Revoir: French leave.

Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding.

Auctioneer: 1. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue; 2. One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art.

Audience: A collection of people willing to pay to be bored.

Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.

August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December.

Australia: A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under.

Author: 1. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A person who is usually write; 3. A writer with connections in the publishing industry; 4. A person who can read and do imitations; 5. A man who lives on the royalties he expects; 6. A man you can shut up by closing a book.

Authorwritis: Writer's cramp.

Auto Erotic: Lusting after a Corvette.

Autobiography: 1. Fiction written by someone who knows the facts; 2. An I-witness account; 3. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 4. A history of cars; 5. An obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.

Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down.

Autobiography: 1. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. An I-witness account; 3. A history of cars.

AUTOEXEC.BAT: What you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula.

Automated: A couple making love in a car.

Automation: 1. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all.

Automobile: 1. A guided missile; 2. A payment plan on wheels; 3. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead; 4. A machine that runs up hills and down people.

Autonomy: What there will be if I gain another 1,800 pounds.

Autumn: A second spring when every leaf is a flower.

Avail: 1. Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly; 2. Lace covering for the face.

Avalanche: 1. A mountain getting its rocks off; 2. One of the perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport (i.e. Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse).

Avalanche!: A shout to alert people ahead that a hill is coming down the hill.

Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad.

Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ joe-ks.com …

Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward.

Average Man: 1. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. One who thinks he isn’t; 3. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man.

Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.

Aversion: One side of a disputed story.

Aviary: 1. The place where aviators sleep; 2. A house of trill repute.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Avowal: a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y.

Awe: 1. Wow of silence; 2. Showing respect with your mouth wide open.

Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs.

Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.”

Axiom: 1. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. A statement that noone but George Bernard Shaw can contradict.

B Flat: An apiary.

B.A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… backwards.

Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning.

Babies: 1. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. Little rivets in the bonds of matrimony; 3. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing.

Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry.

Baby: 1. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. An inhabitant of Lapland; 4. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. Dad, when he gets a cold; 6. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 8. Something that gets you down in the daytime and up at night; 9. A perfect example of minority rule; 10. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42; 11. God's opinion that the world should go on; 12. Mother's little yelper; 13. A perfect example of minority rule.

Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam.

Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons.

Babysitter: 1. One who accepts hush money; 2. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets.

Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

Bachelor: 1. One who treats all women as sequels; 2. A chap who believes it’s much better to have loved and lost than to have to get up for the 2 A.M. feeding; 3. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who has only himself to blame; 5. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life – himself; 6. A guy with just a single thought: staying that way; 7. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free; 8. A man who can be miss-led only so far; 9. A man who can get out of bed from either side; 10. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. A man who can pull on his socks from either end; 13. A man who can take a nap on top of the bedspread; 14. A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who hasn’t made the same mistake once; 17. A man who looks, but does not leap; 18. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who tries to avoid the issue; 20. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man who wouldn’t take yes for an answer; 23. A man who would rather cook his own goose; 24. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. A guy who didn’t have a car when he was young; 30. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The most miss-informed man in town; 32. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. A selfish, inconsiderate rat who is depriving some deserving woman of her rightful alimony; 34. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony; 35. A man whom no girl has maneuvered into a situation where she can say, “Yes.”; 36. A fellow who never finds out how many faults he has; 37. A man who has taken many a girl out but has never been taken in; 38. A thing of beauty and a boy forever; 39. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit; 40. The only man who has never told his wife a lie; 41. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable; 42. A rolling stone who gathers no boss; 43. A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both; 44. A young man who has perfected the delicate art of avoiding the issue.

Bachelor Girl: A girl who is still looking for a bachelor.

Bachelor’s Life: Just one un-darned thing after another.

Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters.

Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.

Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.

Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

Backbiter: A mosquito.

Backseat Driver: A driver who drives the driver.

Backup: Sleeping face down.

Backup Disk: Spare Frisbie.

Backward: Entrance at rear of hospital.

Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.S.A.

Backward Poet: One who writes inverse.

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria.

Bad Girl: Nothing but a good girl found out.

Bad Husband: The only thing that beats a good wife.

Bad Luck: To have thirteen people seated at the table when you’re paying for the drinks.

Bad Times: A period when people worry about the business outlook instead of being on the lookout for business.

Badaptation: A bad movie version of a good book.

Bagatelle: The lady speaks.

Bagdad: What mother did when she met father.

Bagel: An unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis.

Baggage Claim: The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, “Baggage Claim Area.”

Bagpipes: The original Scotch high bawl.

Bahs: (Southern) A supervisor. Usage: “If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”

Baile Funk: A style of fast dance music with hard-edged vocals, originating in Brazil, and with lyrics characterized by the ethos of the favelas (or the slums) of Rio de Janeiro.

Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

Baker: A person who kneads the dough.

Baking: Monarch of San Francisco.

Baklava: Very Greecy food.

Balanced Diet: 1. What you eat at buffet suppers; 2. A cookie in each hand.

Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery.

Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.

Bald Eagle: Large bird too vain to buy a hairpiece.

Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting callers, has only to straighten his necktie.

Balderdash:  A rapidly receding hairline.

Baldness: 1. Hair today and gone tomorrow; 2. Cure for dandruff.

Ballet: Dance performed to classical music in an elegant theater before tearful, enraptured wives accompanied by bored, distracted husbands.

Ballet Ruse: A Russian spy-dancer.

Balloonatic: A fellow who inflates balloons.

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.

Bamboo: Eye-pleasing, but extremely expensive and difficult-to-maintain type of rod, used primarily by anglers who fish for compliments.

Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod.

Banana Peel: A golden slipper.

Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement.

Band-aid: A fund-raiser for an orchestra.

Bandwidth: In computing: The amount of data that can travel through a circuit expressed in bits per second;  
In high school: The girth of your tuba player.

Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it.

Bank Robber: A guy who gets alarmed easily.

Banker: 1. A pawn broker with a manicure; 2. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A person who takes a lot of interest in his work.

Bankruptcy: 1. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. A fate worse than debt.

Banquet: 1. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it.

Banquette: The correct rules and behaviour to be followed when you meet your money lender.

Baptism: A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.

Bar Exam: 1. A test to determine just how old you really are; 2. A test to determine just how much you can hold.

Barbeque: 1. Long line waiting to buy a popular doll; 2. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.”

Barber: 1. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 2. The town cutup.

Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts.

Bard: (Southern) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

Bare: (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.

Barefoot Luxury: A high standard of service in a relaxed and casual setting as at a beachfront hotel.

Bargain: 1. A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays; 2. A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other; 3. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it; 6. When the local tavern keeper bets his tavern and loses.

Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.

Bargain Sale: A place where a woman can ruin one dress while she buys another.

Baritone: Note emanating from Senator Goldwater, or from singer Manilow.

Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.

Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Baroque: Butterfingers.

Barracks: Where cabarets and fine restaurants keep their bottles of wine.

Barstool: 1. What Daniel Boone stepped in; 2. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity.

Bartender: 1. A kind of plasterer; 2. The devil you sold your soul to; 3. A psychologist with really bad furniture.

Baseball: 1. A game in which you young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it; 2. A game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood; 3. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. A pane killer; 5. A business that can't thrive without strikes; 6. Dance held on a military facility; 7. Three minutes of action crammed into three hours.

Baseball Dugout: A whine cellar.

Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away.

Baseball Umpire: An authority on diamonds.

Basketball: Dribbling rivalry.

Bassinet: What every fisherman wants.

Bassoon: 1. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you're taking a hit off a water pipe.

Bat: An air-minded mouse.

Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. If you like pink water, use claws vigorously.

Bathel: To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you've only seen the TV series.

Bathing Beauty: 1. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. A girl worth wading for.

Bathing Suit: 1. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The little bit that isn’t bare; 3. A garment cut to see level.

Bathing Suit, Modern: Two bandannas and a worried look.

Bathroom: 1. A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning; 2. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing.

Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail.

Battle: A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

Baud Rate: Hourly charge at the sleazy motel.

Baughurst: A kind of large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small fierce, ugly dog.

Bawl: (Southern) What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Usage: “That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it.”

Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants.

BBS: Tall tales told by insects that give honey.

Beach: A place where people lie upon the sand about how rich they are in town.

Beans: Actor's caviar.

Beast: A man being sued for divorce.

Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street.

Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.

Beauty: 1: A pretty, effective substitute for brains; 2. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband; 4. An aesthetic radiance that delights the soul; 5. A quality much admired in women, landscapes and tropical fish, but curiously out of favour in art throughout the modern era.

Beauty Contest: 1. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Where the talk alone is enough to curl your hair.

Beauty Parlor: 1. A place where women curl up and dye; 2. A place where everybody knows your MANE.

Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before.

Becalm: An insect on Ritalin.

Because: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists.

Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

Beer: 1. A high and mighty liquor; 2. An intoxicating golden brew that re-emerges virtually unchanged one hour later; 3. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing.

Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3 ... First music score.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.

Before: What two plus two be.

Beggar: One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

Begin: Alcoholic beverage drunk by bees.

Beheading: A little necking overdone.

Belch: An after-dinner speech.

Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of how important it is to know the language you are speaking.

Belong: To take your time.

Below: Sing Bass.

Belper: A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody's thigh under their skirt.

Bench Mark: The worn place on a judge's pants.

Benediction: A curse in reverse.

Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.

Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man.

Benign: 1. What an eight-year-old will be on next birthday; 2. A common call on Bingo night.

Bent: The species of grass most often found on greens.

Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.

Bepton: One who beams benignly after burping.

Bereft: To miss the last plane to Japan.

Bernadette: Torching a mortgage.

Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you.

Bestow: A monster's pedal digit.

Beta: 1. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn't meet specifications originally, and still don't now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. “Broken, but let's hand it out to customers anyway.” The first “test” version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release.

Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”.

Betrayed: Ready to go through the cafeteria line.

Betroth: To ring a belle.

Bewilder: An insect who forgot to take his Ritalin.

Bible: A male cow that swings both ways.

Bibliomania & Bibliolatry: Symptoms related to “Overdue Excuses Awards for Library Books”.

Bid: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
 

Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe.

Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.

Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore.

Big Shots: Little shots who keep shooting.

Bigamist: 1. An Italian fog; 2. A man who keeps two himself; 3. A man who makes the same mistake twice; 4. A person who took one too many; 5. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. One who marries twice in a wifetime.

Bigamy: 1. When a fellow loves not wisely – but two well; 2. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When one loves not wisely, but too well; 4. Two rites that make a wrong; 5. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife.
 

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

Bigotry: One of the California redwoods.

Bikini: Baiting Suit.

Bikini Underwear: Scanty Panty.

Bill Collector: 1. A man who doesn’t believe in putting off until tomorrow what can be dunned today; 2. A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.

Bilious: That nauseated feeling you get when you open the mail the first of the month.

Billboards: Litter on a stick.

Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife.

Binary: Someone who likes both men and women.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium.

Biology: 1. Study of shopping habits; 2. A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.

Bird House: Home Tweet Home.

Birth: The beginning of death.

Birth Announcement: A stork quotation.

Birth Control: 1. Evasion of the issue; 2. An issue that attempts to avoid the issue; 3. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

Birth Control in Prague: Cancelled Czechs.

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.

Birthing: Giving birth, esp. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates.

Birthquake: A woman's contractions during labor.

Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.

Biscuit Dough: A primitive adhesive used extensively and successfully by brides to prevent loss of their wedding bands.

Bishop's Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.

Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school.

Bit: 1. A wager as in, “I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in “This computer cost quite a bit.”

Bitch: A female of a dog or vice versa.

Black Eye: A stamp of disapproval.

Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer.

Blades: Why grass is dangerous.

Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married.

Blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves.

Blank Verse: Poetry made out of your head.

Blasphemy: What the mine foreman told the miner to do with the dynamite.

Bleeve: (Southern) Expression of intent or faith. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.”

Blew: Colour of the wind.

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and she turns out to be a sight.

Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.

Blithbury: A look someone gives you which indicates that they're much too drunk to have understood anything you've said to them in the last twenty minutes.

Blizzard: 1. A storm that winterrupts traffic; 2. When it snows sideways.

Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Or MicroSoft Word.

Block: The distance between some people's ears.

Block Diagram: Schematic gibberish.

Blonde: An established bleachhead.

Blonde Joe-ks: Joe-ks that are short so men can understand them.

Blood: The ink of our life's story.

Blood Count: Dracula.

Blotter: Something you look for while the ink dries.

Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed.

Blue Jeans: Very depressed chromosomes.

Blueprints: Dirty films.

Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur.

Blunderbuss: Kissing the wrong girl in the dark.

Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking.

Blurt: To speak the truth.

Blushing: The colour of virtue.

BMWs: Bitchers, moaners and whiners.

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Boat Anchor: 1. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don't; 2. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea.

Bob War: (Southern) A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Body Snatcher: A robber of grave worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.

Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty.

Boiled Egg: Hard to beat.

Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do.
 

Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one.

Bonds Of Matrimony: Worthless unless the interest is kept up.

Bone Voyage: Archaeological trip.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

Booby Trap: A brassiere.

Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

Book (Best Seller): The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent.

Book Censor: A person who reads so much he gets asterisks in front of his eyes.

Book Ends: The part of a book many girls read first.

Book Jacket: A fable of contents.

Book Review: A brief but informative essay that spares readers the ordeal of digesting an actual book.

Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books.

Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.

Bookie: 1. A fellow who makes his living off bet bugs; 2. A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.

Books Never Written

Bookworm: A person who would rather read than eat, or a worm that would rather eat than read.

Boomerang: A working model of poetic justice.

Boomerang Workers: Retirees returning to their previous employer.

Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures).

Bootician: A helper at a shoeshine parlour.

Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.

Borderline Obese: Won't fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth.

Bore: 1. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. A guy who is here today and here tomorrow; 4. A guy who keeps the conversation ho-humming; 5. A guy with a one crack mind; 6. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. A person who has flat feats; 8. A person who knows the same stories you do; 9. One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself; 10. One who is interesting to a point – the point of departure; 11. One whose shortcoming is his long-staying; 12. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A person who has nothing to say and says it; 16. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. A person who takes his time taking your time; 18. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who is too generous with his time; 20. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Bored: To attend meetings.

Borrower: 1. A man who tries to live within your means; 2. One who exchanges hot air for cold cash; 3. A person who always wants to be left a loan.

Borscht: Beet soup with high blood pressure.

Boss: 1. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. A fellow who’ll raise the roof before he’ll raise your salary; 3. The guy who watches the clock during the coffee break; 4. A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.

Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it.

Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.

Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin.

Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted.

Boudoir: Room for improvement.

Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship.

Bow Wow: A TV performer's low-cut dress.

Bowling: Marbles for grown-ups.

Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.

Boxing: 1. Guided muscle; 2. A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.

Boy: 1. A noise with dirt on it; 2. A pain in the neck when he is around… a pain in the heart when he isn’t.

Boycott: 1. Bed for a male child; 2. His crib - not hers.

Bozone Layer: The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom.

Braggart: A person who starts out telling white lies and soon grows colour blind.

Bragging: The patter of tiny feats.

Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster's work to help out Blind people (i.e. Blind/Braille Sudoku).

Brain: 1. The apparatus with which we think we think; 2. The thing you are forced to use if you haven't much formal education; 3. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.

Brain Fart: 1. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; 2. A burst of useful information.

Brains: 1. What a man looks for in a wife, after not using any in selecting one; 2. What a man looks for in a woman after he’s looked at everything else.

Brainstorm: To feign preparedness.

Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a head-full all the time. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it.

Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. (see P-Brane).
 

Brassiere: 1. A bust stop; 2. A bustblocker; 3. The original anti-gravity device; 4. A device to bring out a girl's best points.

Brat: A child who displays his pest manners.

Bread: Rises without ever sleeping.

Breast Implants: A close chemical relative of Silly Putty.

Breath: What winners of a race lose.

Breeding: 1. The quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service; 2. Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy.

Bribery: Using money as a blindfold.

Bride: 1. A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold; 2. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Bridegroom: 1. A wolf who paid too much for his whistle; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation.

Bridge: 1. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding.

Bridge Partner: A person who is undesirable if he has a one-trick mind.

Briefcase: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.

Brilliant Epigram: A solemn platitude gone to a masquerade ball.

Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day).

British: Germans pretending to be French.

British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world.

Broadband: An all girl musical group.

Broad-mindedness: 1. The ability to smile when you suddenly discover that your roommate and your girlfriend are both missing from the dance floor; 2. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. The result of flattening high-mindedness out.

Broadcast: Seeing how far you can toss a woman.

Broadway: 1. America’s hardened artery; 2. A place where people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.

Brochure: A handbill with kid gloves.

Bronchitis: Fear of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl again.

Broom: Witch craft.

Brothel: Home is where the tart is.

Brotherhood: Your brother, the crook.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Bruise Lee: Inept martial-arts student.

Brute: See Husband.

Brute Force: When your brain doesn't work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies.

Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence.

Bubblegum: Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Buckboard: The price of lumber before inflation.

Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.

Budget: 1. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A mathematical confirmation of our suspicions; 3. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. An attempt to live below your yearnings; 5. An orderly system of living beyond your means; 6. Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went; 7. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn't keep you from spending more; 8. A schedule for going into debt systematically; 9. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up; 10. What you cannot do to an immovable object.

Budgeting: The most orderly way of going into debt.

Budle: To fart underwater.

Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.

Bug: 1. What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny screen for more than 15 minutes; 2. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

Bulldozer: Sleeping bovine.

Bulldozing: Going to sleep during a political speech.

Bulletin: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily; 2. Catholic air conditioning; 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

Bum: 1. A chap who is jugged by the company he keeps; 2. A man who has lived down to his own ideals; 3. A man-about-town.

Bumblebee: A hum bug.

Bumper Crop: Pedestrians who land in the hospital because of automobile accidents.

Bumpkin: 1. To jostle a relative; 2. Your brother, the Redneck.

Bun: The lowest form of wheat.

Buoyant: 1. Male insect; 2. An ant's son.

Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.

Bureaucrat: 1. A politician who has tenure; 2. A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Burlesque Censor: A guy who always has a grind to axe.

Burned-Out Hippie: One who now takes antacids instead of acids.

Burp: Throwing up gas.

Bus: 1. A vehicle that has empty seats when going in the opposite direction; 2. Where a man will stand for anything but a woman.

Bus Driver: The person who tells them all where to get off.

Bushman: A male employee of President Bush's administration.

Business: 1. The only thing which can be dead and still have a chance to revive; 2. Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of; 3. The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without resorting to violence.

Business Card: A tiny lie you can pick your teeth with.

Business Economy: 1. A reduction in the other fellow's salary.

Business Forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about the present.

Businessman: 1. One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier line; 2. One who talks golf all morning at the office, and business all afternoon on the links; 3. An amateur gardener who does his spring digging with a golf club; 4. The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom.

Bustard: A very rude city bus driver.

Busybody: One born with an interferiority complex.

Butt: Female Interpretation: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger”;   Male Interpretation: The organ of mooning and farting.

Butt Bra: A garment worn as a support for the buttocks.

Buttock: A cushion for the sitting room.

Buttress: A woman’s butler.

Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

Buzzwords: The verbal equivalent of dressing for success in the business world, where a vocabulary that includes leveraging or incremental will lift your status as surely as a power suit or corporate suspenders.

By The Pound: How you pay for dirt.

Byte: First word in a kiss-off phrase.

C: A letter you can sail on.

C:BELFRY: Where I keep my .BAT files.

Cabbage: 1. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head; 2. How old the taxi is.

Cabinet: Device to catch a taxi in rush hour traffic.

Cabinet Maker: Counter fitter.

Caboose: An Indian baby.

Cache Memory: 1. Remembering how much you have spent; 2. A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.

Cackle: The commercial announcement of a hen.

Cad: 1. A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant; 2. A term formerly applied to a man who would try to take advantage of a young girl's innocence. He's now called an optimist.

Caddie: 1. A boy who stands behind a golfer, and who didn’t see where it went either; 2. A golfing expert who loses balls for you in one round, so that he can find them for himself in the next; 3. A small boy employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others and find them for himself; 4. One of those little things that count; 5. Two women talking about a third who isn't there to defend herself.

Cadence: Kay, a less-then-bright girl.

Caesarean Section: District in Rome.

Cafeteria: From two Latin words: 'café' meaning place to eat, and 'teria' meaning to wretch.

Caffeine: One of the four basic food groups.

Calamity: A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to others.

Calcium: What Cal said when she saw ‘em.

Calculated Risk: A computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill.

Calculator: A product you can count on.

Calendar; An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heavenly bodies keep regular hours.

California: A fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.

California Patriot: A man who derives a certain amount of satisfaction from getting almost killed by a Florida hurricane.

Callous: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

Calories: Weight lifters.

Camel: 1. An animal that looks as though it had been put together by a committee; 2. An animal that ruined its shape trying to get through the eye of a needle.

Camelot: Parking area for humped animals.

Camera: 1. An instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera; 2. A small but quite heavy object used by anglers to store small amounts of water and a canister of spoiled film.

Camouflage: Wise guise.

Camp: Where parents spend $1,000 for eight weeks to teach their son to make a 25-cent ash tray.

Campaign: A form of courtship in which rival suitors vie for the hand of a woman who has been wooed, won and abandoned countless times before.

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

Can: The only place where salmon are sure to be found with any degree of certainty.

Can Opener: Key to the washroom.

Canapés: A sandwich cut into 24 pieces.

Cancer: 1. A family of insidious wasting diseases caused by virtually everything one eats, breathes or touches in the modern industrialized society; 2. The result of repression of anger, unlike Heart Attack which snuffs those who express their anger.

Candidate: 1. One who talks about public opinion until he’s defeated, then about herd ignorance; 2. A modest man who shrinks from the publicity of private life to seek the obscurity of public office; 3. A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Candle: Lives on its own substance and dies when it devours itself.

Canis Kaboomis: A dog made of C4 explosive with a very large nose. Unwelcome at dog shows.

Cannibal: 1. One who is fed up with people; 2. A person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter; 3. One who loves his fellow man with gravy.

Cannon: An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

Canoe: An object that acts like a small boy - it behaves better when paddled from the rear.

Canopy: A specimen for your urologist.

Cantaloupe: Got to get married in Church.

Cantankerous: Able to drive a tank.

Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a Church.

Capital Punishment: 1. Most Ottawa cocktail parties; 2. Income Tax; 3. What a woman gets for marrying a Canadian politician; 4. Having to listen to your broker while he gives you a very technical explanation of why the stocks he promoted took a nose dive.

Capitalism: The extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.

Capitalist: 1. One who thinks he must choose between being held up by native labour or being blown up by imported labour; 2. One who will do almost anything for the poor except get off their backs.

Capsize: Head measurement.

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Car Roofs: Car Roofs are to fishing as to what black holes are to outer space: whatever is placed upon them - even for a few seconds - get sucked into another dimension.

Car Sickness: That feeling you get every month when the payment falls due.

Caramel: 1. A motorized camel; 2. A substance for extracting children's teeth.

Carbage: The trash found in your automobile.

Carbon-based Error: Error caused by a human, not a computer (which would be a silicon-based error).

Carbon Capture: The process of removing carbon dioxide from the points where it is normally released in large quantities (i.e. power plants), so that it can then be prevented from entering the atmosphere.

Carbon Footprint: Carbon dioxide emissions for which an individual or organization can be held responsible (i.e. by their travel, fuel consumption, diet & energy requirements).

Carbon Market: A market in which carbon credits are bought and sold.

Carbon Neutrality: A state in which an organization or country balances its carbon emissions against its carbon reductions to achieve zero net emissions of carbon dioxide.

Carbon Sequestration: The process by which carbon dioxide is removed from the atmosphere (i.e. naturally by plants in their growth; artificially by various means), and then prevented from returning to the atmosphere by the creation of products with long-term use (i.e. timber from forests), or by storing it in sealed reservoirs (i.e. by injecting it into underground geological formations).

Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
 

Cardiology: The study of poker playing.

Career Girl: 1. One who gets a man’s pay by working for it; 2. One who is more interested in plots and plans than in pots and pans; 3. One who gets a man’s salary without marrying one.

Career Woman: One who goes out and earns a man’s salary instead of sitting at home and taking it away from him.

Careerism: The widespread belief that life offers nothing so sublime as the opportunity to climb two or three steps up the corporate pyramid over a period of forty years.

Careful Driver: 1. One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light; 2. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.

Caricature: The tribute that mediocrity pays to genius.

Carnation: Country where everybody has a four wheeler.

Carpenter: 1. A guy who nails down his agreement; 2. A shelf made man.

Carpet: 1. A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot; 2. A dog or cat who enjoys riding in a car; 3. Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

Carpetting: Making out at the drive-in movie.

Carrier Detect: “I see the mail man!”

Carrion: Continue.

Carry-on Bag: An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says, the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide-screen projection TVs.

Cartographer: A guy who takes pictures of his car.

Cartoon: What you sing when driving your car.

Cashew: A sneeze.
Cashews: The nuts you should hold out for if you’re currently working for peanuts.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftover leftovers.

Castanet: Primitive fishing method.

Caster Oil: First lubricant for wheels.

Castrate: 1. Market price for setting a fracture; 2. Hotel room cost for actors.

Castration: A eunuch experience.

Cat Scan: Searching for one's lost kitty.

Catalogs: Little stores that arrive by mail until we have a shopping mall where our living room used to be.

Catalyst: Several cows names written in alphabetical order.

Catastrophe: First prize at a cat show.

Catatonic: 1. Italian cat medicine; 2. What your feline drinks to get stiff.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

Catholic: A person obsessed by felines.

Cats: Animals good at pfssst fights.

Catscan: Searching for kitty.

Cauliflower: A cabbage with a college education.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Cavalry: An assemblage of calves.

Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.

Celebrity: 1. A man who works all his life to become famous enough to be recognized – then goes around in dark glasses so no one will know who he is; 2. A person who is very much in the public’s eye and often gets in the public’s hair; 3. A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book; 4. The worst thing that can happen to an actor.

Celebutard: A not very bright celebrity. Frequently used to describe Paris Hilton & Britney Spears.

Celibate: An old refrain.

Cell Phone: How Amoebas communicate.

Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.

Cellulite: What the power company does.

Cemetery: 1. An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies; 2. A place people are dying to get into.

Censor: 1. A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to know; 2. A person who sticks his No's into other people's business.

Censorship: 1. Advertising paid for by the government; 2. The power of the suppress.

Censure: The tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.

Census Taker: A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Cent: (Southern) Plural of cent. Usage: “You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it.”

Centaur: A man with a horse where his pants ought to be.

Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked or he smoked all his life. He used whiskey for eighty years or he never used it. He was a vegetarian or he wasn't a vegetarian. Follow these rules carefully and you too can be a centenarian.

Center Of Mass: The Priest.

Centigrade: A mailed report card.

Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.

CEO: Corporate Ego in Overdrive.

Ceremony: The invention of wise men to keep fools at a distance.

Certified Pre-owned Car: It was only driven by a Little Old Lady from Pasadena to Church on Sunday. Honest!

CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chaining: A method of securing programmers to their desks to speed up their productivity.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chairman: A person who introduces a person who doesn't need an introduction.

Chairmaning: The art of being one up on the lecturer.

Chalk Fairy: Term used to describe mysterious police officers who feel the need to draw lines around the body and then disappear when investigators attempt to find out who contaminated the scene.

Chamber Of Commerce Executive: A man who will never admit he has seen better days.

Champagne: A beverage that makes you see double and feel single.

Champion: A fellow who gets licked two or three time a week and keeps right on calling himself a champion.

Chance: The pseudonym of God when he does not want to sign.

Chance Remark: Anything a man chances to say when two women are talking.

Channels: The trails left by inter-office memos.

Chaos: Three women discussing the two sides of an issue.

Chaperone: One who is too old to get into the game, but still tries to intercept the passes.

Chaperoning: A spectator spoil-sport.

Char: Common method of cooking over a campfire.

Character: 1. That which one is called if one doesn’t have any; 2. What a man is in the dark; 3. What you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.

Charity: 1. The sterilized milk of human kindness; 2. Bestowing on a poor man something he could otherwise fish from your rubbish can.

Charm: 1. The ability to make someone think that both of you are wonderful; 2. That indefinable something possessed by girls with stunning figures; 3. What one is told he has until he begins to rely on it.

Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.

Chateaubriand: Your hat is on fire.

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

Cheap Date: A guy who walks you to a drive-in.

Checkmate: 1. The gal you marry for her money; 2. A Bohemian wife.

Checkpoint: A location from which the programmer draws his salary.

Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.

Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.

Cheese: Milk's leap toward immortality.

Cheesecake: A magazine with a beautiful girl on the cover – and no cover on the girl.

Chef: 1. A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every day; 2. An interior decorator.

Chemical Warfare: The eternal conflict between blondes and brunettes.

Cherry Cobbler: A virgin shoemaker.

Chess: 1. A game requiring patience, a mathematical mind, and a suit with two pairs of pants; 2. A game played on squares by squares.

Chewing Gum: Television for the teeth.

Chic: 1. A convent for unloved women; 2. Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

Chicken: An egg factory.

Chicken Coquette: A flirtatious hen.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Child Psychology: What children manage parents with.

Childhood: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drugs or weapons charge.

Chili: Edible weather.

Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone – yours.

Child: A thing that stands halfway between an adult and a television set.

Child Psychology: The art of applying a soft pedal instead of a hard paddle.

Childhood: 1. A happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep; 2. A wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath.

Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.

Children: 1. Small people who are not permitted to act as their parents did at that age; 2. What men become when they get the flu; 3. Why's guys; 4. Natural mimics who act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.

Chindia: China and India, considered as a unit (re their economic power and strategic importance related to the rest of the world).

Chinese Checkers: Airport Security at Peking.

Chinese Spy: A Peiping Tom.

Chip Shot: A short, low approach shot that gets a player into position for one or more missed puts.

Chipping: Time to get our nails done again.

Chips: The junk food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

Chivalry: 1. A man’s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself; 2. The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife; 3. The attitude of a man toward a strange woman.

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

Choosy Blonde: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do.

Chores: Day to day household tasks which you and your spouse pledge to divide equally, but will end up being done by whoever gets fed up with filth the quickest.

Chortle: Small daily tasks.
Chortling: Taking care of small daily tasks.

Chorus Girl: One who never worries about getting ahead because she doesn’t need one.

Chow Line: The men behind the men… behind the men… behind the men.

Christ: A man who was born 5,000 years ahead of his time.

Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.

Christmas: 1. A time for exchanging a lot of things you can’t afford for a lot of things you don’t want; 2. A widely observed holiday on which neither the past nor the future is of so much interest as the present; 3. The season when we get the children something for their father to play with; 4. When the radios keep you awake till three in the morning playing “Silent Night”; 5. That time of the year when mother has to separate the man from the toys; 6. That time of the year when both trees and husbands get trimmed, and sometimes get lit up, too; 7. A season of anticipation, preparation, recreation, relation, prostration and recuperation; 8. A warm, cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail merchandise.

Christmas Shopping: 1. A time when we must get the children something for their father to play with; 2. Yulebesorry.

Christmas Spirit: Alchollydaze.

Chronic Grumbler: One who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.

Church: 1. An institution supported by the husbands of the members; 2. A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there; 3. The place where we encounter nodding acquaintances; 4. Man's effort to keep a roof over God's head.

Chutzpapa: A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Cigarette: 1. A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between; 2. A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other; 3. A flimsy paper cylinder packed with dried leaves and set afire for the purpose of inhaling the smoke and toxic substances produced therefrom; 4. An indispensable prop for tough-talking adults and aspirants to that status.

Cinder: One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.

Cinemascope: A wider scope of sin.

Cinnamon: Jamaican who broke the ten commandments.

Circumference: How I tell my landlord to come and collect his rent.

Circumflex: A polite invitation for someone to show off his muscles.

Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Circus: 1. A group that carries on where politicians leave off; 2. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

Cistern: Opposite of brothern.

Citizen Journalism: 1. Journalistic reporting by bloggers who are not part of the established media; 2. Participatory journalism.

City Life: Millions of people being lonesome together.